When it comes down to dealing with troubled marriages, people assume there were incidents of sexual infidelity involved. On top of this, the usual justification is that a cheating husband did so simply chose to simply because “he’s a man”. These prevailing misconceptions display just how uninformed people are when it comes to understanding infidelity and issues related to it.

Sexual Infidelity is about betrayal, not sex

Sex is an action that involves two or more people. Infidelity is an act of betrayal committed against one’s trust – sexually, emotionally or otherwise. Thus it’s safe to say that sexual infidelity occurs when a cheating husband acts out sexually with someone else and betrays his commitment to wife. More often than not, cheaters know better than to behave as they do; this explains the length of deception they will go in order to hide their illicit activities.

So what causes sexual adultery? Unfaithfulness can be triggered by many things; attraction, loneliness or too much drinking, group pressure, by the thrill of adventure… the list can go on indefinitely. However, the large majority of sexual affairs, upon thorough analysis, is the result of one or both spouses lacking emotional fulfillment in their marriage.

Swingers are not cheaters

Many people confuse the idea of couples swinging or allowing each other to engage in sex with others as “cheating,” but this is an inappropriate comparison. Swingers and those living “open” lifestyles create their own sexual boundaries that allow them to engage in sexual activities with other people. As they have each other’s consent, “open” couples aren’t cheating as long as they operate within their personal guidelines. Couples who sneak sexual activity on the side while engaged in what was previously agreed upon as a monogamous relationship, however, are cheating.

(Side-note: open marriages, no matter how liberating they look, still require honesty and accountability on part of all parties involved for the relationships to mutually benefit everyone.)

Save your marriage with honesty

To save your marriage after an affair will require courage. You’ll need courage to take a long thorough look at the entire relationship and all the processes and events which built up to this crucial turn of events – and this includes honestly looking at the role you’ve played in your relationship. Once you do this, you’ll need to discover the art of emotional acceptance to assist in feeling peace in the midst of your turmoil. Emotional acceptance doesn’t forget about your husband’s betrayal; it simply gives you the necessary emotional clarity required to heal as you deal with the aftereffects of the affair.

His sidetrick is irrelevant

Don’t obsess over the other woman! So many women wrap themselves up in the other woman, trying to analyze everything about her: from the color of her eyes and the perkiness of her 34-C breasts (and the quality of her panties) to the grade of her extensions and how much money she makes. Whether or not she looks better than or – *gasps* – gives better blowjobs-  than you. All of these little bitchy comparisons ignore what’s most important - figuring out what went wrong in your marriage and identifying previously ignored red flags that might have prevented the affair.

Shift your focus to the health and quality of the relationship you share with your husband. Determine whether your trust and love are so badly damaged that there’s no hope for restoration, even with the help of a marriage counselor.  Is the bond you have with your husband strong enough to overcome his heartbreaking actions? Are you truly willing to make the changes necessary on your part to listen to his side of things, or will you abruptly queue up those tormented memories of the strawberry kisses her lipstick left on his collar and the scent of that cheap Designer Impostor perfume she left in his car to negate any need to take ownership of your part in the affair?

You are responsible for your happiness. It’s up to you to determine whether you’re going to save your marriage, or divorce your husband after having an affair.

Face Off!: Confront Cheating Husband’s Mistress with Unfair Advantage

Marital infidelity of a cheating husband can only be made worse by a confrontation with the mistress.

It’s every wife’s worst nightmare: to find out that your husband is cheating on you, and then actually meeting the asshole’s mistress when she one day suddenly stands on your doorstep with a self-satisfied smirk on her face, ready to spill the beans on your philandering hubby. Assuming that your husband is not a complete scoundrel before this episode, you’re likely to be shocked, hurt and betrayed. 

That’s a really harsh and traumatizing experience to deal with right there, but you can definitely keep your cool. Here are some things to keep in mind during this encounter, and when you actually get to speak to your husband about the whole affair. These tips will give you an unfair advantage: coolness beyond measure that will only put these two even further over the edge. 

Cheating Husband and Mistress: 3 Ways to Stay Level During Confrontation

1. Don’t Get Physical: Whoever Throws that First Punch is the LOSER 

Now, during this experience, all your emotions are raging inside you and there’s nothing more that you would like to do than reach over and wipe that smirk off her face, preferably with something from your tool shed. However, keep in mind that this is a very explosive situation, one that can turn violent very fast. If you become physical, cops will most likely become involved, and you’ll get in trouble for being the first to throw a punch. Sure, you can claim diminished emotional capacity, but there’s a chance that the judge will side with the woman with a broken and bleeding face rather than the raging harpy on the other side. Fantasizing about assaulting your cheating husband and/or his slutty mistress is fine, but actually crossing these thoughts over into the threshold of reality, is most definitely not. 

2. Treat it Like a Court Case 

Just as the American court system believes in the mantra “innocent until proven guilty,” give your cheating husband the benefit of the doubt. No matter how believable the mistress’s story is, simply nod politely and pleasantly ask if she has any tangible proof. Digital evidence, such as texts, emails and pictures, may be helpful, but that aren’t always reliable because they can be faked. (And, I must add, if the woman really wants to screw with your marriage for whatever reason, there’s no lows she will not drop down to.) However, there are some types of evidence that you really have to take at face value, such as credit card receipts and videos. Be cautioned however, the arrival of undeniable proof is painful and gut-wrenching, but you must try and gather everything you can to be as informed as possible. Politely thank the other woman once you’ve gotten all you need to know and dismiss her politely as possible ASAP! 

Discovery of a husband cheating is painful, but hold the tears until the truth is confirmed.

3. Getting the Cat out of the Sack 

Inevitable confrontation between you and your cheating husband is now at hand. His reaction and answers will indicate to you whether your marriage is in trouble or not. Maybe the whole thing was just an elaborate scheme by a crazy woman, or maybe your husband was having a sexual or emotional affair behind your back. The bottom line is, it’ll be up to you whether or not you still want to try to save your marriage after your cheating husband’s affair. Sure, you’ll be influenced somewhat by your husband’s reaction- which can range from groveling for forgiveness, to actually being proud or nonchalant about the affair- but never let that be the strongest basis for your decision. Let that answer come from your heart. 

Cheating Husbands vs. Serial Cheating Husbands

A word of warning for wives out there with wandering husbands: There is such a thing as a serial cheater, and honestly, once IS too much. Don’t get swayed with the repetitive promises of change and contrition in your husband. A cheating husband will only continue cheating as long as he thinks he can get away with it. If your gut tells you it’s enough, listen to it and show him the door! 

>>Repair marriage after sexual affair! <<

30 Years of Emotional Infidelity – And He Broke My Heart

I am in healing state.  Things will get better.  However, I would so appreciate some light on how and why a man would do this.  Here is my story….I knew this man for 28 years.  I watched him make a poor choice in marriage.  There was always some chemistry between us.  He is my first born daughter’s god father.  There were times during our marriages when we met and enjoyed being with each other.  We did not have sex.Four years ago my marriage ended.  At approximately the same time, unknown to me, his marriage broke and they bought properties in different states and pretended that he would retire eventually and be with her.

A year after this, he made contact with me and from that moment we were together.  He stood by me throughout the lengthy court case.

He bowled in a club, and never invited me there are his wife was known there and things had not been finished.  I did not know but he had a mixed bowling partner whom he also entertained as more than a friend.  I did not know this.  She did not know about me.  He kept the worlds apart.  I sensed some oddities because I would not see him for whole weekends.  He never asked me about what I had been up to.  He always had to get away to bowls.  He kept his phone close.

He came clean seven months ago and broke up with me.  We drifted back together four months ago under the heading that he was only with me, he was seeking divorce and his properties were to be sold.  He was broke and living with me was what he wanted.  My kids were to be his family.  I met his work peers.  He told them he was going to marry me.  His wife now knew he was seeing me, I had proof of this.

He stayed very close for a month, and I remained very alerted to any odd behaviour.  He presented with it.  He texted in the toilet.  He had to leave when I expected he was staying.  He was not home when he said he was going home.  He had out of the blue invites which he could not refuse and I could not join him because the people came from the club.  He began with mixing with mates/blokes from the club.  He drank excessively.

I found out who I believed the other woman to be.

I visited the other woman and all was revealed.  She was very much the same personality as me, ten years older and not only his mixed bowling partner, his golf partner and lived very close to him.  He had been seeing her and me at the same time for three years.  She is rich.

She finished it with him and so did I.  He apologies for not being able to choose.

Anything you can put forward as to why a human being behaves in this way may help me.

Regards,

Miss Parker,

Short answer: He’s a jackass loser, a user and an emotional abuser. He has never held respect for your or anyone else’s feelings, despite how he acted. His main priority was and will always be himself; the affairs were tools to supply his selfish needs. And he was able to do this because he wanted to and you let him.

The more detailed continuation: This guy’s been entangled in a heap of affairs all along. Yes, he was married to his wife, and you two did not have sexual or physical contact, but emotional intimacy is a core tenet of infidelity. The intimacy he shared with you was also spread out between his wife and the other women you happen to know about.  And there’s no guarantee that he didn’t have sex with them either. I’m sure he was having sex with someone, even if it wasn’t you.

A man like this will always have someone “waiting in the wings”. I’m going to compare his treatment of women to that of a coach and his sports team. He’ll always maintain special relationships with his “star players,” most especially the MVP (the wife). The other members of the team range from benchwarmers (backups) to those next in line to be “up at bat.” But in order for the game to be played, he, as coach of the team, knows he needs more than one player to win. Therefore, he keeps you all in a steady rotation and pulls you in to play as he sees fit.

Initially, I wanted to say that I was sorry that you were a victim of his emotional games, but you were a willing participant. You are as much at fault as this man is. First, you carried on an emotional affair with him for several years. It may not seem detrimental to you since sex wasn’t involved, but looking back, there were roots of romantic intimacy there that shouldn’t have been – otherwise you would have never been “more than friends” after your marriages ended.

Second, I don’t know how old you all are, but at whatever age he is, he has no business trying to move into your home… and YOU have no business allowing him to do so. You both have been doing this dance for close to 30 years, and you’ve let “chemistry” tell you that he’s making poor choices with other women.

Truth be told, you’ve made poor choices for your emotional well-being for decades and you’re moving in the right direction by dropping him. If he wanted you, he’d be with you and none of these funny things he’s done would have been an issue. You would have never watched him marry another woman; you would have been his wife.

As for him, it’s balderdash to believe he’s “so sorry” he cannot choose between you and this other older, richer woman. He’s not sorry for anything except that he’s been caught. She’s another player on his team and financially loaded, which would benefit him for many reasons. This man is a leech, emotionally, sexually and financially, and will continue the next  thirty years of his life as he’s spent the last thirty – building false relationships with women for personal gain and leaving a trail of tears in his wake.

The best thing you can do right now, is to continue doing what you’re doing. Ignore his attempts to communicate with you, make moves to strengthen yourself as a woman and take this as a hard lesson learned that being a willing participant in someone’s infidelity, even if it’s just emotional, is simply a recipe to reap what you’ve sown.

All the best,

Elle P.

The Other Woman In Our Cheating Men’s Sexual Affairs

 As women, when we are cheated on, we feel degraded and humiliated. We are shocked, and at times, even embarrassed or ashamed. Usually, we’re quite pissed as well. When you’re faced with such a highly volatile situation, it’s easy to simply see red and share your anger. Despite the fact that she owes us nothing, we usually end up blaming and unleashing our wrath on “The Other Woman.”

Discovering Your Man’s Other Woman  

 Who is the “other woman”? Well, basically speaking, she’s the woman getting the inappropriate attention from your partner, the woman whom he’s funneling energy outside of your relationship for.  Your husband’s attention toward her can be sexual, emotional, or a combination of both; it all depends on the nature and status of their relationship with each other.

The Other Woman is Not To Blame – It’s Your Cheater

We admit, it’s just too easy to become angry with this “bitch” as we see her, but the real problem doesn’t lie with her. It stems from your cheating husband or boyfriend. Oftentimes, your man’s side chick wasn’t made aware that he had you as his main lady, and once she finds out, she’s usually just as shocked and hurt by his deception as you are. It would help to remember this, as you don’t want to lash out at her when she’s in the same predicament that you are. (Now if she did know, but persisted to get with him anyway…)

When the Other Woman is Someone You Know

If you find out his mistress is your friend or family member, then take a breath. At this point, anger is understandable. You’ll definitely need to assess your relationship with her by itself, and separately from the conversations you will have with your cheating spouse or lover. Chances are, she never respected her friendship with you from the beginning, or she suffers from any number of peculiar issues. Confront her if you must, but don’t excuse her like you would a woman you never would. The relationship, whether friend or family, may never be the same regardless, as trust and deep bonds have been destroyed.

Dealing with Your Man Post-Infidelity

Moving on from infidelity usually isn’t easy. It takes time, patience and strength. Whether you stay with your husband or boyfriend, or choose to move on with another beau of choice, you’ll need to take time to emotionally accept and understand the infidelity. Perhaps you’ll want to discuss why your man felt the need to cheat and whether you could have helped prevent it, or you may just want to go out for coffee with the other woman and see what she did that you didn’t. Or you may realize that he was just going through things and used adultery as a method of dealing with it (however poor a choice that was). Either way, realize that you have a choice in how to maneuver from this situation now that everything’s on the table.

Should Elin Have Expected – and Accepted Tiger’s Cheating?

The recent storm of Tiger Woods’ alleged sexual affairs with as many as 11 mistresses has taken the media hostage. It seems nobody expected the PGA’s golden boy to tarnish his squeaky clean image with the possibility of one sexual infidelity, much less the multiple sexual infidelities made public within a span of days.

This all started on November 27, 2009 in the wee hours of the morning. Initial reports stated that Tiger was in a car accident with his prized Cadillac Escalade, damaging property and running into a fire hydrant. Supposedly, Elin “ran out of the house with a golf club after hearing the crash” and found Tiger unconscious with lacerations. Supposedly, innocent Mrs. Woods had no idea that her husband was entering or exiting the house, and was shocked to see him in such a peculiar situation. (Riiiiiight, tell us anything – we’ll eat it up like mother’s Sunday potroast. Not!)

Now, we (obviously) all felt the story was preposterous from the beginning, and felt a sense of vindication when Woods finally admitted to “transgressions” against his family. (Insert scoff here!) As the first mistress, Rachel Uchitel, was outed to the media, she was followed by former Tool Academy reality actress Jaimee Grubbs and 9 others whose careers range from party girls and event planners to porn stars and everyday girls next door.  

While these alleged mistresses are running their mouths and holding on to their 15 minutes of fame, Elin Nordegren – Woods has remained unusually silent about her side of the story. All we currently know is that she’s in talks to have her pre-nuptial agreement revamped to increase her payout from $20 million to over $55 million plus perks for staying with Woods.

Since we cannot get close to Mrs. Woods at the moment, we can only speculate on whether or not Elin knew this was coming. Should Elin have expected Tiger to swing his Cablinasian, Cablasian – whatever he calls himself – club on other open ranges of green? Or was she entitled to believing that he’d have kept his good-old fist pump at home?

Mixed Responses on Athletes and Infidelity

The answer is both yes and no; it varies according to whom you ask. Most people, like Chris Rock, believe that a man is only “as faithful as his options.” Tiger, being a world-renowned golfer with multi-million dollar endorsements and breaking records in history as the first Black man to takeover golf, would be a prime example of a man with an expansive list of options. After all, he’s not the first or the last powerful man, athlete, celebrity or politician to cheat on his wife: many celebrities and powerful figures have had sexual affairs.

Sports writer Jason Whitlock argues that Tiger was ensconced in a “cesspool…[and has] never portrayed himself as a religious holy roller…[eliminating any] reason for surprise about any of this.” Futhermore, Whitlock and other men rationalize that professional athletes and figures feel a sense of entitlement about having affairs; it’s a fiduciary responsibility for the celebrity to attract girls for their friends, even if they’re married, and they assert there’s usually an unspoken agreement that sexual affairs are accepted, so long as the spouse isn’t publicly humiliated by their extramarital activity. In fact, we’ve even read articles stating that Tiger Woods’ Vedic astrological chart inclines him to having sexual affairs, because he has a “porn star planetary combination” in his zodiac charts.

Those who disagree, state that Tiger, like any other man, has morals and ethics to live up to, and his celebrity status don’t supercede his moral responsibility to keep that golf club from swinging in the wrong country club.

“A man with morals, no matter who he is or how many women throw themselves at him, will not concede to have some whore in his hotel room or in his bed,” a dear friend told us.

“Why get married and make a vow of monogamy if you’re not planning to keep it? Nobody put a gun to his head and forced [Tiger] to marry [Elin]!” another lady angrily protested on a webforum.

Some of us have completely mixed feelings. As summed up perfectly by one of our editorial assistants, Elin should have expected it, but at the same time she shouldn’t have to expect it.

“Marriage usually doesn’t make provisions for athletes and powerful men to be excused for humiliating their wives. However, the truth of the matter is that society accepts it, and these women are expected to turn the other cheek and find solace in their husbands’ status and financial stability. Money doesn’t keep you warm at night, but who cares because the prevailing thought is that you’ll at least be able to afford 1500-count Italian sheets to sleep in while your husband’s cheating.”

Sex to Reconnect with Cheating Spouse

Rebuilding your sexual relationship with a cheating spouse after they’ve had an affair can be a difficult situation.  Between the two of you, there’s a lot of emotion, confusion, and self-consciousness that will need to be handled in order to create a safe environment for intimacy.

A Cheating Husband May Use Sex as a Method of Intimacy

To make matters worse, sex will be as much of a rollercoaster as your feelings are. Sometimes it won’t be good enough, and there are things that should (or shouldn’t) have been done. You’ll want him to kiss you there, or not touch you at all. You’ll want him to do it right, or don’t do it at all. There will be times he’ll pull out all the stops short from swinging from a chandelier with a rose tucked between his teeth and you’ll still fall short of bliss.

For most men, sexual intimacy is one of their easiest forms of communication and reconnection, especially after an affair. Sexual intimacy doesn’t involve lots of verbal expression, but it’s still possible that sex won’t be easy for him either. He may miss his sexual relationship with the other woman, even if he’s made a clear decision to save your marriage or committed relationship. He might also find it hard to sustain an erection out of guilt or fear that if he doesn’t perform as you desire, you’ll think he’s still cheating on you. Anxiety can impede his sexual performance in other ways, making him absent-minded and uncomfortable.

On the other hand, he may also pursue you at top speed for sex, as he thinks it’s a method to prove he still loves you. Many women react unfavorably, assuming their husbands see them as a sexual object, but we implore you not to. If he primarily connected to you with sex before the affair, chances are he’ll continue to do so after the affair.

Another challenge to having sex again after an affair is dealing with the other woman. She will continue to be part of your sex life long after she’s been removed from the picture. Your husband may think longingly of her, fantasize about her or desire her and potentially feel guilt about it as well. You too, will think of her, perhaps to wonder how you compare to her, or in an angry manner. When either or both of you channel her mentally during sex, this will bring the passion in your bedroom down.

Talk to Your Cheating Husband About His Affair

On the road to recovery from infidelity, whether a sexual affair, emotional affair or a combination of both, there will be a lot of words exchanged about what happened. You’ll definitely ask your husband questions about his sexual affairs, the other woman (or women) and even confront him about how sincere he is about making your marriage work.

This week, we’re going to introduce a 10-part blog series on several very common conversations that women like you have with their cheating husbands. These conversations dealing with infidelity aren’t always directly about their cheating spouses’ infidelities, but are indirectly created in response to events indirectly affected by their indiscretions.

These conversations discuss a wide range of topics, including how to deal with a husband who feels he doesn’t need to repeatedly apologize about his affair with another woman, handling your emotional upheavals when affairs are celebrated all over TV, and dealing with children acting out when they discover trouble between their parents.

Our hope, and suggestions are mildly adapted from Paul Coleman’s You, Him and The Other Woman’s chapter entitled “Ten Conversations You’re Almost Guaranteed to Have.” If you enjoy what you read during this series, we strongly encourage you to check out Coleman’s book in our Amazon store. Coleman’s book is an excellent point of reference for any woman (or man) seeking to confront, forgive and deal with their cheating spouse’s affair. Each link will be updated as the posts are released daily.

Feel free to comment or reply to this post – we’d love to hear your thoughts.

Infidelity Conversation 1: He Doesn’t Apologize Enough for Cheating On Me

Infidelity Conversation 2: He Witheld More Secrets from His Sexual Affair

Infidelity Conversation 3: I Want to Know Sexually Explicit Details, but He Won’t Tell Me!

Infidelity Conversation 4: His Infidelity and Our Fighting is Affecting the Children

Infidelity Conversation 5: All I Talk About is His Affair; He Never Mentions It

Infidelity Conversation 6: He Cheated, Wants Me to “Get Over It” Already

Infidelity Conversation 7: The Other Woman Still Tries To Seduce Him, I Hate that Bitch!

Infidelity Conversation 8: Our Families Know He Cheated, He’s Scared to Visit My In-Laws Again

Infidelity Conversation 9: Everywhere I Look, I’m Reminded of His Sexual Affair!

Infidelity Conversation 10: Husband Tries Being Romantic but His Cheating Killed My Sex Drive

Was He Lying When He Said “I Love You?”

Love Detour is an excellent online blog featuring expert advice “devoted to getting your relationships back on track.” The comprehensive site has phenomenal advice, both from featured experts and guests who reply back to other viewers’ questions on love, marriage, sex, dating and all the problems which occur in between.

Dianna wrote in, stating that her relationship ended when she discovered that her boyfriend of “3 months and 29 days” had been cheating on her. While Dianna admits to finding several convincing pieces of evidence suggesting her boyfriend was cheating, she believed his excuses, especially since he treated her nicely and told her he loved her. When Dianna ran into him coupled with another young lady in public, she confronted them to discover that he not only had no explanation for his actions, but ignored Dianna and gave her the cold shoulder while completely while professing his love and apologies to the other woman. Although the cat’s out the bag, to this day, Dianna’s heart and emotions are still raw. She wonders whether or not this man ever truly loved her. “He cheated on me, but did he ever truly love me once? Or was I just a plaything in his eyes the whole time?”

Most of the readers’ comments have been highly supportive, urging Dianna to remove herself from the past, and to use the present to focus on the future.  A few brave souls reminded her that she chose to allow him to explain away all the signs, even though they were in front of her face. “Figure out what went right and wrong in your relationship, and learn from it,” one response stated, as another added, “Remember that nobody will respect you until you respect yourself.”

We felt this advice was completely on point. When you’re betrayed by your cheating boyfriend or husband, it’s hard not to remember all the specific events in which he seemed to put you on a pedestal, but the truth is, no matter how beautiful he made you feel, he still cheated on you, and things did not work out. As you guys don’t have a future, dwelling on his actions only holds you back since you’re stuck in the past and aren’t moving forward.

This isn’t to say your ex-husband never loved you, or your ex-boyfriend never cared. Truthfully speaking, emotions are complicated, and he might have truly cared at some point, but definitely not enough to remain faithful to you. Or, he might have decided that he did love you, but compartmentalized his love for you and the relationship while he cheated on you with other women. Men cheat for different reasons, but make no mistake that if he showed his ass before you found out he was cheating, and never seemed sincere with his actions, you might’ve always known the truth deep down, and continued to ignore it in hopes he’d change.

Either way, you (and Dianna) will be better off when you stop dwelling on whether or not he ever cared, and start working on a path to a happier future as a stronger woman with a man who truly loves and appreciates the beautiful woman you are.

Confronting the Other Woman in Infidelity

Mel Gibson’s other woman, Oksana Pochepa, was seen having a rendezvous with the actor prior to his divorce papers being filed.

Oftentimes, when we think of our man with another woman, we become obsessed with her. Who is she? What does she look like? Are her boobs perkier than ours? Is she sexier, sweeter, skinnier, prettier or more feminine or exotic than us? What does she have that we don’t?

Right now, you’re probably asking yourself (and your cheating man) all of these questions and then some. You may find that he either denies anything you infer about her superiority to you (and he should, if he wants to live to see tomorrow), or simply refuses to answer, leading you to want to “find out for yourself.”

Confronting the other woman, whether by phone, email or in person, is something many of us think about doing, especially once we realize that she exists. We might hate her, and all her perceived imperfectness (after all, she’s not up to our standards), but for some, this seething emotion will go into overdrive when it’s discovered that she not only knew he was involved, but simply didn’t care.

For those who want to meet or confront the other woman, it’s important to understand she’s not who you’re in a relationship with. Get past the idea of who’s prettier, sexier, better in bed or the best cook, and realize that it’s Mr. Two-Timer who needs to be addressed.

Now don’t get us wrong, meeting this other woman can provide you a small sense of closure, especially if she gives you the answers your husband wouldn’t (like where he really was when he was “working late”). Yet, before speaking with her, truly examine your reasons for wanting to do so. Wanting to “kick her ass,” intimidate her or unleash your wrath upon her is an understandable reaction, but might only make things worse. On the other hand, exercising restraint and befriending her to assemble the missing pieces of your husband’s puzzling affair can also prove a valuable tool – as long as you can handle the truth.

You can always decide to leave well enough alone, remembering that even though it hurts like hell, the other woman is not responsible for your boyfriend cheating on you. Even if she did her best to seduce him, your man made deliberate decisions to engage in a relationship with this woman while breaking his vow of fidelity to you. There are only two people in your relationship; the other woman is not one of them. Even if she continues trying to persuade your boyfriend or husband to see her, you must focus the bulk of your energy on him, and not her.

My Wife Cheated on Me. Would an Open Relationship Help Us Sexually?

I’ve been married to my wife for over 5 years, but we’ve been in a relationship for 8. Our sex life has always been wonderful in my opinion, but after having kids, everything changed. My wife complained that there was never enough time or energy left for us to have sex, and only had sex with me once in a blue to “get it over with.” I recently found out she’d been sleeping with another man while refusing to have sex with me.

She says she’s remorseful that she cheated, but says it’s because our sex life has become routine and boring. She said she still loves me but wants to continue to have the freedom to sleep with other men. The thought of my wife with another man kills me, but I want our marriage to work. Would an open relationship help us sexually?

Our hearts go out to you in this difficult time. The short answer for your question is no.

We feel the problem in your marriage isn’t the sex; it’s just manifested through sex. Chances are opening the relationship will only invite more trouble. It will be a temporary cosmetic facelift covering an unresolved issue.

You see, despite how much sex is involved with affairs, it’s not the motivating force for most cheaters. Affairs usually cater to the betrayer’s need to escape from or acquire something they feel is missing, usually within themselves or their primary relationship. The tricky part is, it’s hard to determine exactly what this person is seeking or eluding- they themselves usually don’t know.

If the infidelity truly has roots in sexual dissatisfaction, especially post-marriage and child-bearing, your wife may have stopped feeling desirable and sexual due to the Madonna/Whore complex. The Madonna/Whore complex is a psychological complex where a person (usually male) develops trouble having a combined respect for a woman who is both loving and motherly and sexual. This person may separate women into categories, viewing “idealized” good women into sacred, non-sexual, virtuous women, and placing sexualized, liberated women into a “touchable” category.

This complex can deeply affect how a man relates to his wife, or a woman relates to herself or her husband. A man, for example, may love and adore his wife, yet find that he’s lost the ability to see her in a sexual manner, especially if she’s mothered his children. This man may have a string of affairs with other women whom are not necessarily more attractive than his wife, but are sexually stimulating, because their primary role for him is sexual gratification.
A woman may find that, once she’s married a man, she feels pressured to appear more sexually reserved and pure, in order to live up to societal pressures on what the “role” of a “virtuous, pure” wife entails. Now that I’m a married mother with children, I shouldn’t be thinking of sexual satisfaction with my husband, she may think. I have to focus on raising my children, being a great mother and doing everything for my family. Appealing to my husband’s desire for sex- much less my own- would be wholly inappropriate, and not something a good wife does. Only bad wives and whores are concerned with sex.

 
Now, if this feeling is truly reflects your wife’s sentiments, she might have compartmentalized her sexuality in response. These actions have nothing to do with you, and everything about how she considers her role in the family unit according to learned beliefs and values. Since she would feel it’s inappropriate to be sexually satisfied as a wife, she’ll be more inclined to desire an extramarital partner as an outlet to enjoy that gratification without “challenging” her role in your marriage. In her mind, she’s your good, chaste wife, but his unrestrained sexual partner.
Now, if you want to continue rebuilding your marriage with your wife, it will take a lot of work. First of all, she’s shattered your trust in her as a committed and honest partner. There is a broken bridge of trust that will require a long reconstruction period, even if you plan to allow each other sexual freedom. Your wife will have to work hard to show that she’s trustworthy and willing to do the hard work required to make this marriage work.

There’s a great possibility that you not only feel betrayed, but are experiencing a great mix of emotions including humiliation and emasculation, that you don’t feel comfortable expressing to anyone you know. This may especially include your wife; after all, she’s the one who triggered these emotions. This is fine and completely normal.
We suggest that you consider counseling, either with a trusted marriage advisor in your house of worship or an accredited national therapist. You can choose to seek help with your spouse, alone or both, and work towards understanding the events that took place and how they have affected you. Counseling can help one or both of you realize the importance of redeveloping an open environment for honest communication, something that will be required even if your wife decides she wants an open marriage.

Now if after all else, your wife still wants an open marriage, you will have to decide whether or not that is something you can live with. An open marriage sounds like a convenient solution, but it can be open up a new can of worms. Most spouses would never want to see their husband/wife sexually involved with someone other than them, and insecurity can create an obsession with whether or not the other person is doing something they themselves can’t. Oftentimes, if both parties aren’t up for the situation, the end result is disaster and further disintegration of the marriage.
If you decide you’re interested in trying an open marriage, have a thorough discussion about your partner concerning all the rules of engagement in this situation. Is she only allowed to have two or three partners at a time? Will you have to pre-approve who she sleeps with? What sexual activities are off limits? What will happen when the other parties want something more than sex? How will emotional attachments be handled?
If you decide you’re not interested in an open marriage, be firm in telling your wife that you will not tolerate such an arrangement, but that you’re more than willing to do what it takes to recapture the flames that have been lost and improve the relationship that the two of you have. Let her know what your alternatives are. Either way, you have as much right to assert your desires as she does. You both have a right to be happy and discover a peaceable solution.

What Do You Want to Do?

Learn more about swinging and open marriages.

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