If you’re really worried about whether or not your husband is cheating on you, you don’t have to lose sleep in your efforts to catch a cheating spouse! The days of following him or hiring a personal investigator have been long removed, thanks to modern technology. These days, you can purchase surveillance equipment that will help you spy on your spouse and catch him cheating before he can think of another lie good enough to cover his sloppy and careless tracks.

Real Time Tracking Can Catch Cheating Spouse by Location

Have you ever experienced putting in gas in your car before going home, only to find that half the tank has been consumed when you take it out the next day? Chances are that you don’t have a leak, but that someone else may have been using it while you were at home and asleep. The safest way to determine whether you need to call the mechanic – or the coroner (you know for the slow singin’ and flower bringin’) – is to use GPS tracking software like Spy Hawk Turbo Real Time GPS Vehicle Tracking. It’s the best investment you can make if you want to know where your husband has been going in the wee hours of the morning, this tracking device will show you where the car was at specific times of the day.

Spy Hawk Turbo’s Features & Benefits

Spy Hawk Turbo Real Time GPS Vehicle Tracking is a small device that is smaller than an iPhone, and therefore so it is easily concealed inside your family vehicle without anyone noticing. This is the very same software that’s used by 911 Emergency centers and the government, you can be assured that this little gadget is reliable and delivers what it promises.

Aside from knowing where his car – and hot loins – are, this GPS software gives you both an accurate speed of the vehicle (how fast he’s going to see that wench), and the duration of stay in a location (how long he’s over there with that wench). Convinced that your husband has been maintaining a discrete sexual affair at night? You will be able to find out where that person is, and their rendezvous point. The Real Time GPS Vehicle Tracking is able to give you an accurate update, with a 10 second interval in between each update.

How Much Does this GPS Tracking Software Cost?

Spy Hawk Turbo doesn’t cost the equivalent to “a cup of coffee per day,” but it’s a small price to pay for actual confirmation and peace of mind. Think about it: Doesn’t his denial drive you crazy? Are you sick of having to deal with his Oscar-worthy acting scenes where he says that you’re the crazy one that’s making things up or just causing trouble? Wouldn’t the relief that you weren’t cuckoo and insecure but right on the money wash over you when you see – live in action – that he is cheating and he is destroying your marriage?

Spy Hawk Unlimited also comes with the convenience of installation and usage. You don’t need to install complicated software to use this. You’ll simply log into a website that will beprovided for you, and it will give you immediate access to your unit’s – and his – whereabouts – as long as you’re online.

Additionally, the software features unlimited tracking, so you’ll pay only a small monthly usage fee once you’re set up. Keep this in mind if you have more than one family car used by the other members of your family; this would definitely be cost –effective for you if you’re also looking to make sure your teenagers – or anyone borrowing your car – is doing what they’re supposed to in addition to confirming your suspicions that he’s cheating.

Remember, you don’t have to trust only words and promises from your cheating husband on his whereabouts. You can be more secure by really knowing where he is with proven, safe and reliable technology like the Real Time GPS Vehicle Tracking. Using this software to catch a cheating spouse is a great idea if you’re short on patience and don’t have the time or money to follow him yourself or pay a private investigator to do so.

Click Here to Purchase Spy Hawk Unlimited and Catch Him Cheating Now!

Observing the ebb and flow of communication within marriages and relationships as they evolve is always interesting. You would think that husband and wife’s communication skills with each other would only strengthen over time, but such is not the case. Studies have shown that the longer you’re married to your husband, the less you know about him as time goes on. This is a particularly frightening piece of information when you consider the fact that most men who have admitted to having sexual affairs have often cited lack of emotional connection and poor communication with their wives as a reasons why they’ve cheated.

So, what happens during a marriage that diminishes the communication between a wife and her husband? What can you do to prevent poor communication and put passion back in your marriage?

Married couples tend to wane off in their communication levels as passion subsides, making way for the “routine” obligations of daily life: family, work, etc. Additionally, the longer you’re with your husband, the more likely it is you’ll make assumptions regarding his likes and dislikes, or even blend them with your own. It’s not done intentionally; projecting your preferences on to his are natural habits most of us do with one another in our relationships.

Understand your communication style as a couple

Making sincere efforts to understand your husband’s communication styles allow you to assess his needs, both spoken and unspoken, and respond accordingly. Unmet needs, especially those that aren’t properly taken care of or discussed, lead to resentment and frustration, which, often enough, can trigger his desires to be satisfied elsewhere.

Understanding his communication can boost the passion in your marriage. One of our dear friend’s’ chaplains recommended that she read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages as a guide to developing and maintaining strong communication between her and her fiancé while deployed.  The Five Love Languages explain how differences in the way people interpret others’ styles of communication lead to conflicts. Chapman’s book will help you to understand the golden secrets for easier communication with your husband – and even friends and coworkers – today.

Listening is a skill that can save you from an unlimited amount of headaches when you master it. Sometimes, the answers are there as long as you know how to listen actively. This means that you allow your husband to talk without formulating a response while he’s talking. Having your response ready before he’s finished indicates that you’re not only a poor listener, but that you’re more interested in getting your point across or playing defense.

Listening takes practice and a state of mindful awareness, which isn’t always easy to cultivate. However, you can boost your listening comprehension immediately by providing eye contact and leaning forward, even if slightly, toward your husband during conversations. There’s even a mindful marriage counseling service available.

Your husband had a life before he married you, and so he’s obviously got hobbies he enjoys, friends he hangs out with and things he’s interested in developing and exploring. Ask about them! Show interest in his recreational activities, even if it means curling up under him during a football game and asking questions about what’s happening during the plays. And welcome his friends over more often, and allow them to see you’re laid-back and cool as well.

These actions communicate to your husband your willingness as a wife to be an active participant in his life, opening the lines of communication in your marriage that makes him feel comfortable in sharing things with you that you may both end up enjoying.

P.S. Here’s the quick-and-dirty girlfriend’s guide to understanding football.

P.P.S. If you still don’t know where to start after this, click here for a communication guide of interest.

Infidelity Expert Ruth Purple Explains Men’s Lies

Men can tell a whole lot of lies just to keep you hanging around, if you hear one or more of these lies, it’s time to turn away.

“I don’t love my wife anymore.” This is one of the most common lies married men tell simply because there is no concrete way of proving this to you. You just have to take Pinocchio’s word for it. If he throws you this line, tell him to man- up, settle his rut before whoring around.

“We’re only in the marriage for the children.” This is the perfect excuse married men tell, because somehow it triggers the sympathy factor- a noble act of giving-up his own happiness for the children’s sake. This is all trash, if he is really a good father as he is trying to imply, then he should be at home, trying to be a good role model to his children and making things right with his children’s mother rather than trying to get to bed with you.

“We’re not having sex anymore.” Or “We’re not sleeping together for a long time.” Then there must be a good reason, and if things are that bad at home, then why is he still there? If he is trying to work on his lousy marriage, then why is he being smooth with you? It just does not add up. Do not fall for it.
“We really want a divorce, but we can’t afford it.” Married men who use this line must be from, “Loserville.” He cannot afford a divorce, but he can afford to have an affair with you. You must be as stupid as he is to fall for this line.
“I’m leaving her soon.” Or “I’m leaving her as soon as…” Usually, married men use this line when they sense that you are slowly pulling away. Remember, if he wanted to leave his wife, he could have done it way back when he realized their marriage is not working.

Married men are bored and they need distractions; they want someone who can ease up their tensions. They are not looking for relationships; they are not looking for “you and me forever,” they just want someone to play around with, at the end of the day; they go home to the people that matter to their life, and that is not you.

About the author

The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth recently published an easy to follow course on how to get your cheating spouse back. More info about this “Winning Your Man Back From Infidelity” program is available HERE.

Dealing with Infidelity After A Tragedy

If there’s anything I love, it’s a good piece of fiction, especially one simmered in eroticism, sexuality and unthinkable but realistic situations topped with a healthy dose of humor. Such novels are hard to find, and when I discover one, I’m ecstatic to share. Thus I present to you Zane’s Total Eclipse of the Heart
, a page turner that explores the theme of infidelity in the course of life’s twists and turns.

Damon and Carleigh are a happily married couple who seem to have it all. Damon’s prominent corporate position provides a stable six figure income and comfortable lifestyle. To top it off, Damon is the perfect devoted husband, and a perfect physical male specimen; Carleigh’s friends often comment on their attraction to him.

Damon, however, is secretly irritated by Carleigh’s pride in him as her “trophy” husband, and even more incensed at her friends’ blatant attempts to seduce him under her nose. Damon also has big dreams of owning his own businesses, and constantly endures Carleigh’s refusal to support him. Carleigh also continues to put off his dream of having a family.

Brooke’s was once head-over-heels for her boyfriend, Patrick, until he became controlling and abusive. Patrick comes from a privileged background and enjoys a successful career as a prominent attorney, while Brooke is a waitress. Patrick wields his financial power over Brooke’s life, and his parents constantly remind Brooke that she’s beneath their elite standing and a poor choice for their reputable son. After discovering one of Patrick’s many sexual affairs, Brooke makes the choice to leave him and reclaim her life.

Everyone’s lives intersect during a tragic accident that leaves Damon permanently disabled. Damon doesn’t regret losing his arm; he figures the tradeoff was worth saving lives, but he’s discouraged by the effects his impairment has on his marriage. Now that he’s no longer “perfect” his wife wants almost nothing to do with him. As a result, he forges a strong relationship with the ever-grateful and humble Brooke, the other woman’s life he’s saved.

As I read this book, I was shocked by how heartless Damon’s wife was. Carleigh seemed to have lost all interest and attraction to her husband once he lost his arm, an arm he sacrificed to save her life. Instead of being supportive, grateful wife, she instead pushes him away, allows her friends to disrespect him (and, occasionally, join in) and ridicules his attempts to produce a positive outcome from the situation.

In my mind, I wondered, “What kind of wife does this? Marriage is for better or worse. A man saves your life, and instead of helping him deal with the effects, you dismiss him as useless?”

Additionally, as it stood with Patrick and Brooke, people tried to tell her that she needed to get over his infidelities and get used to them, because she would never find another man like him. While it was quite true that Brooke didn’t appear to have a lot going for her, would any person truly find it an excellent tradeoff to substitute a healthy, strong, loving relationship for “the pampered life”? I don’t think there’s any amount of money that could bring peace of mind to a woman who would rather have a devoted husband over anything else.

Now I must stop and insert here, the infidelities in this book were not solely physical and sexual. At one point, Damon and Brooke’s platonic friendship becomes an emotional affair of sorts. Zane cleverly maneuvers this relationship in a way that clearly shows the dangers of emotional infidelity, yet blends it into the storyline; while you may or may not condone the forbidden intimacy that is shared between these two, there’s a part of you that understands how it occurred.

I could give away the end of the book, but truthfully speaking, I feel it’s too good to spoil. What I will say is, besides infidelity, Zane expresses an important point to her readers:

“The world is full of people who remain in relationships that they realize they have no business in. Yet, they stay, hoping and praying for change, believing that the other person will eventually appreciate them and recognize their value. This cycle leads to regret, despair and oftentimes depression.”

If you’re currently dealing with or have ever experienced an unhealthy relationship, then surely you can affirm the painful truth of this statement. But what does it take before you (or anyone else, for that matter) release yourself of that toxicity and instead open yourself to the potential of experiencing what happens when, as Zane puts it, “two people meet by pure chance…with no expectations between them… [and] nature takes its course … the right way”?

If you’re interested, check out more reviews of Total Eclipse of the Heart

How to Gain Trust After Infidelity or Any Other Crisis Affects Your Relationship

Trust is an important part of your relationship. In the earliest stage of your relationship, you’re constantly on guard, looking for information to help you determine how trustworthy your partner is and whether or not you can take them seriously. As trust builds, so do feelings of security. But the second a major crisis hits your relationship, trust shatters completely.

Once shattered, it can take a long time for the trust be rebuilt; there are even times when you may never regain a person’s trust, especially if you’ve cheated. Therefore, if your partner is open to reconciling with you and letting you back into their life, consider yourself blessed, because this means they truly care. Unfortunately, you’ll also have to get ready to put in a lot of work in order to persuade them to trust you again.

Learning to trust or gain trust is a fragile, consistent process in which you’ll gradually realize the results, no matter how you’ve lost it in the first place. Although many people have different ways of trying to earn it, these four basic steps, in general, help restore or develop trust:

1. Avoid Surprises: When someone isn’t trusting, they’re hypervigilant and constantly on guard for crazy, unpleasant surprises from you. Avoid surprising them when they least expect it, and if you must surprise them, give them a pleasant surprise, like a night out or a small, thoughtful gift.

2. Be Upfront: Keep your significant other aware of everything that’s going on with you. Even if your plans change at the last minute, make sure they’re the first to know, not the last.

3. Demonstrate Your Trustworthiness: Do exactly what you said you were going to do. Go exactly where you said you were going to go. Be attentive and considerate, especially in regards to keeping appointments or schedules in your daily lifestyle.

4. Remember the Power of Honesty: In order for someone to trust you after you’ve screwed up, your life needs to become an open book, no matter how much you crave your privacy. Don’t tell any lies, don’t lie and don’t behave defensively with your partner. Even if they want answers to the silliest questions, remain respectful and remember that you have to earn your way back into their lives.

Discovering that intimate details of your troubled relationship with your cheating husband or boyfriend have been shared with an outside party is one of the most devastating aspects of sexual infidelity. And not just the lovey-dovey, happy details, oh no! We’re talking the dirty, deep, dark details that you don’t even want your best friends to know about. As if this weren’t bad enough, he’s not sharing them with someone you even know or trust – but another woman he’s screwing!

Most cheating men know that they’ll have to justify their infidelity to the other woman at some point in their relationship, whether it’s in the very beginning or at the very point in which they decide to voluntarily inform them. As numerous women don’t stand for cheating, there’s a chance that most of the women he approaches brushes him off. On the other hand, there are still women who allow themselves to remain involved with such a man.

Why is this?

Simple: He justifies that they “understand him” and “you don’t.”

In his mind, anyone but his woman is understanding, compassionate and caring when it comes to his relationship and life troubles. This isn’t a completely surprising thought, but what your man fails to understand is that anyone but his wife or girlfriend lacks enough knowledge to determine whether there’s a factual basis for what he says. While he laments that you don’t “give him space” and others agree this isn’t right, they may not understand that his idea of space is disappearing for days at a time without answering the phone or simply checking in to say hello. (Nevermind that impromptu trip to Vegas.)

While you can counterargue the things he says and does, chances are the other woman doesn’t because she assumes that he knows you well enough, and wouldn’t lie on you. Remember, his angle is that he loves you unconditionally, even if you’re a stubborn woman with security issues, and just needs someone to take his mind off the problems you give him at home, because he’s the victim.

Instead of running from this red flag, the other woman will more than likely feel flattered that your man has chosen her to confide in. His lamentations build a false sense of intimacy that plays on her ego, making her further open to his advances. Besides, why would she be upset when your cheating husband’s not talking about her, but talking to her… about your shortcomings?

The Other Woman In Our Cheating Men’s Sexual Affairs

 As women, when we are cheated on, we feel degraded and humiliated. We are shocked, and at times, even embarrassed or ashamed. Usually, we’re quite pissed as well. When you’re faced with such a highly volatile situation, it’s easy to simply see red and share your anger. Despite the fact that she owes us nothing, we usually end up blaming and unleashing our wrath on “The Other Woman.”

Discovering Your Man’s Other Woman  

 Who is the “other woman”? Well, basically speaking, she’s the woman getting the inappropriate attention from your partner, the woman whom he’s funneling energy outside of your relationship for.  Your husband’s attention toward her can be sexual, emotional, or a combination of both; it all depends on the nature and status of their relationship with each other.

The Other Woman is Not To Blame – It’s Your Cheater

We admit, it’s just too easy to become angry with this “bitch” as we see her, but the real problem doesn’t lie with her. It stems from your cheating husband or boyfriend. Oftentimes, your man’s side chick wasn’t made aware that he had you as his main lady, and once she finds out, she’s usually just as shocked and hurt by his deception as you are. It would help to remember this, as you don’t want to lash out at her when she’s in the same predicament that you are. (Now if she did know, but persisted to get with him anyway…)

When the Other Woman is Someone You Know

If you find out his mistress is your friend or family member, then take a breath. At this point, anger is understandable. You’ll definitely need to assess your relationship with her by itself, and separately from the conversations you will have with your cheating spouse or lover. Chances are, she never respected her friendship with you from the beginning, or she suffers from any number of peculiar issues. Confront her if you must, but don’t excuse her like you would a woman you never would. The relationship, whether friend or family, may never be the same regardless, as trust and deep bonds have been destroyed.

Dealing with Your Man Post-Infidelity

Moving on from infidelity usually isn’t easy. It takes time, patience and strength. Whether you stay with your husband or boyfriend, or choose to move on with another beau of choice, you’ll need to take time to emotionally accept and understand the infidelity. Perhaps you’ll want to discuss why your man felt the need to cheat and whether you could have helped prevent it, or you may just want to go out for coffee with the other woman and see what she did that you didn’t. Or you may realize that he was just going through things and used adultery as a method of dealing with it (however poor a choice that was). Either way, realize that you have a choice in how to maneuver from this situation now that everything’s on the table.

Starting over can help you save your marriage.

Cheating on Wife Can Put You Back At Square 1

When it comes to dealing with infidelity and cheating, many of us are aware that it can have dire consequences on a marriage or relationship. But how much of an impact is a dire impact? As our feature writer chronicles, cheating on your husband, wife or lover can literally put you at Step 1 all over again.

Saving Your Marriage After Infidelity – It is Like Starting All Over Again
By Emma Audley

Infidelity – a thrilling and adventurous escapade for many. But there is hardly any instance of an ‘affair‘ not generating pain to people concerned. But the situation is not bad all the way. More than 90% of couples, who have survived errant behaviors from a partner, confirm that it is possible for saving your marriage after infidelity!

But that still leaves the hapless 10% who may not be able to restore marital harmony again, ever. Or, even if they do survive infidelity, the restoration is only temporary; infidelity very efficiently weakens the basic foundation of marriage.

In case you are wondering whether you would succeed in saving your marriage after infidelity and whether things would get back to normal quickly – let me confess the basic truth: saving your marriage after infidelity is possible, but it is more like starting all over again. This means, that both of you have to have patience, understanding and be prepared to rebuild that lost trust brick by crick. Here are some cues for saving your marriage after infidelity taking you through the process step by step:

• Saving your marriage after infidelity essentially starts with a frank and sincere admission of guilt. This admission should never be linked to any inadequacy in the marriage which in turn is justifying the action in a way. Infidelity should be treated as a stand-alone episode, and the best way to deal with it is to de-link it from any rationale.

• This is followed by an unconditional forgiveness. This means that this episode should not ever be mentioned in your future years together. Even if memories haunt you, learn to live with it or shelve it back in the deepest crevices of your mind.

• Thereafter, saving your marriage after infidelity is a painstaking and laborious process, which goes through the usual test of trust, faithfulness and honesty. Somewhat like when you both first met. As mentioned earlier, you have to be prepared to start all over.

• It is cruel to hold the errant partner ‘guilty’ and raking up old memories can only increase the pain for all concerned. The best way to move on is to forget and forgive.

• Infidelity can be also viewed positively, if you take it as a wake-up call for both of you to take notice of the several areas of incompatibilities existing in the marriage. Saving your marriage after infidelity is possible if both of you make conscious efforts to bridge such need gaps, so that the relationship does not have to face such times again.

At the end of the day saving your marriage after infidelity can be an easier process, if there is true and sincere love and respect between the two of you. Every thing else can be taken care of.

Why is saving your marriage so important to you? Because a good marriage is one of the most treasured of human interactions. It colors everything else around us.

Visit my site at http://www.LonelinessToHappiness.com to find out how you can save your marriage and make your spouse fall in love with you again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Emma_Audley
http://EzineArticles.com/?Saving-Your-Marriage-After-Infidelity—It-is-Like-Starting-All-Over-Again&id=3328665

Should Elin Have Expected – and Accepted Tiger’s Cheating?

The recent storm of Tiger Woods’ alleged sexual affairs with as many as 11 mistresses has taken the media hostage. It seems nobody expected the PGA’s golden boy to tarnish his squeaky clean image with the possibility of one sexual infidelity, much less the multiple sexual infidelities made public within a span of days.

This all started on November 27, 2009 in the wee hours of the morning. Initial reports stated that Tiger was in a car accident with his prized Cadillac Escalade, damaging property and running into a fire hydrant. Supposedly, Elin “ran out of the house with a golf club after hearing the crash” and found Tiger unconscious with lacerations. Supposedly, innocent Mrs. Woods had no idea that her husband was entering or exiting the house, and was shocked to see him in such a peculiar situation. (Riiiiiight, tell us anything – we’ll eat it up like mother’s Sunday potroast. Not!)

Now, we (obviously) all felt the story was preposterous from the beginning, and felt a sense of vindication when Woods finally admitted to “transgressions” against his family. (Insert scoff here!) As the first mistress, Rachel Uchitel, was outed to the media, she was followed by former Tool Academy reality actress Jaimee Grubbs and 9 others whose careers range from party girls and event planners to porn stars and everyday girls next door.  

While these alleged mistresses are running their mouths and holding on to their 15 minutes of fame, Elin Nordegren – Woods has remained unusually silent about her side of the story. All we currently know is that she’s in talks to have her pre-nuptial agreement revamped to increase her payout from $20 million to over $55 million plus perks for staying with Woods.

Since we cannot get close to Mrs. Woods at the moment, we can only speculate on whether or not Elin knew this was coming. Should Elin have expected Tiger to swing his Cablinasian, Cablasian – whatever he calls himself – club on other open ranges of green? Or was she entitled to believing that he’d have kept his good-old fist pump at home?

Mixed Responses on Athletes and Infidelity

The answer is both yes and no; it varies according to whom you ask. Most people, like Chris Rock, believe that a man is only “as faithful as his options.” Tiger, being a world-renowned golfer with multi-million dollar endorsements and breaking records in history as the first Black man to takeover golf, would be a prime example of a man with an expansive list of options. After all, he’s not the first or the last powerful man, athlete, celebrity or politician to cheat on his wife: many celebrities and powerful figures have had sexual affairs.

Sports writer Jason Whitlock argues that Tiger was ensconced in a “cesspool…[and has] never portrayed himself as a religious holy roller…[eliminating any] reason for surprise about any of this.” Futhermore, Whitlock and other men rationalize that professional athletes and figures feel a sense of entitlement about having affairs; it’s a fiduciary responsibility for the celebrity to attract girls for their friends, even if they’re married, and they assert there’s usually an unspoken agreement that sexual affairs are accepted, so long as the spouse isn’t publicly humiliated by their extramarital activity. In fact, we’ve even read articles stating that Tiger Woods’ Vedic astrological chart inclines him to having sexual affairs, because he has a “porn star planetary combination” in his zodiac charts.

Those who disagree, state that Tiger, like any other man, has morals and ethics to live up to, and his celebrity status don’t supercede his moral responsibility to keep that golf club from swinging in the wrong country club.

“A man with morals, no matter who he is or how many women throw themselves at him, will not concede to have some whore in his hotel room or in his bed,” a dear friend told us.

“Why get married and make a vow of monogamy if you’re not planning to keep it? Nobody put a gun to his head and forced [Tiger] to marry [Elin]!” another lady angrily protested on a webforum.

Some of us have completely mixed feelings. As summed up perfectly by one of our editorial assistants, Elin should have expected it, but at the same time she shouldn’t have to expect it.

“Marriage usually doesn’t make provisions for athletes and powerful men to be excused for humiliating their wives. However, the truth of the matter is that society accepts it, and these women are expected to turn the other cheek and find solace in their husbands’ status and financial stability. Money doesn’t keep you warm at night, but who cares because the prevailing thought is that you’ll at least be able to afford 1500-count Italian sheets to sleep in while your husband’s cheating.”

Should I Forgive Cheating Boyfriend? He Cheated on Me Because He Was Depressed

Hi there,

I was hoping for some advice. I have been seeing my boyfriend for just over six months and our relationship was wonderful, until he lost his job. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at first. But then he started asking for very specific things in the bedroom, and asking me to dye my hair, all of which was very odd.

He finally got a job about 3 weeks ago, and the week he started, he began shutting me out. We also stopped having sex because it became awkward. I would initiate it and he wouldn’t want to or he would instruct me. It felt like nothing I did was good enough for him. Then he stopped initiating sex and said he loved me but wasn’t sure if he fancied me anymore.

I discovered two days after the last time we had sex, he contacted another woman off a dating website and had a sexual affair. He was seeing me in between and being very loving, but no sex with me. I found out last Friday because when he dumped her, she contacted me and told me everything.

I was devastated because I felt it was so out of character for him. I spent the weekend making sure he fully understands how much he has hurt me and what he’s lost. I told him not to contact me again but I am convinced that he now gets it. He’s very confused but still really misses me and wants to be back with me having realized (finally) the massive error he has made. He has emailed a couple of times and I really miss him.

My question is whether you think it would be possible in time for me to forgive him and start again? I believe he acted this way because he was depressed and had low self-esteem because when we met he was a very happy and confident person and looking back this ebbed away during the time he was unemployed. Is it possible that depression impaired his judgment, and is that enough for me to excuse, or at least move on from his behaviour eventually? I am so confused and I am going to arrange to have counseling to work through the effect it has had on me. Thanks for any advice. Debbie x

Hi Debbie!

It seems as if you dumped your boyfriend as a form of punishment, and not because you were ready to move on. With that being said, it’s important that you take the time to reflect upon whether or not you truly want to be in a relationship with him, or you simply miss him. While 6 months is not a long time to be with someone in the grand scheme of things, it is a long enough period of time to build some sense of attachment to him, especially if you guys lived together during this period. So there’s a chance you really do miss him and long for the relationship to work, but there’s also a strong possibility that you’re simply attached to him and scared to move on.

We can’t tell you not to take him back; the choice is yours in the end. But there will have to be a lot of work done, perhaps on both his and your part, in order for this to work. Our advice varies based on your ultimate choice. Read our tips for the best ways to deal with a cheating boyfriend or survive infidelity – especially since this is so fresh.

If you take him back, put him on a probationary period. When we start a new job, employers give us 30 days to a full year to prove ourselves worthy and effective to their business. Likewise, if we’ve been on a job for a period of time but violate the workplace rules, we may be given a verbal warning and a probationary period to clean up our act before we’re canned.

The truth is, while no time in a relationship can ever be “wasted,” you can use his bad boy behavior to strengthen yourself as a woman, so that he (or any other guy you may date) knows what your boundaries are. Don’t be afraid to tell him if he wants to stay with you, he’ll have to rectify his behavior. There are so many reasons men cheat, and drastic changes of life are a big motivator. His lack of employment would have been a big motivator except for the fact that he cheated when he started a new job. Therefore, that’s not an excuse.

He also stated that he did not “know if he fancied” you anymore. That, coupled with the fact that he tried to change you, sexually and in appearance, reflects something going on within him. He’s the one who needed change, not you. But instead of being able to see the need for himself to change, he chose to project it onto you – something we’re sure didn’t feel like love (and we hope you didn’t comply!).

Let him know he has 3-6 months to get his act together. Tell him what you want to see change. Do you want him to stop making you feel insecure about your appearance and sexual prowess? Let him know. Would you appreciate more quality time? Let him know. Also advise him it would be in his best interest to be upfront and honest, so that you can believe he’s ready to have an open and loving relationship. If he cannot or does not provide this in the 6 month time period, let him know it’s been fun and show him the door.

If you choose to stay single, breathe a sigh of relief and keep walking. There’s no excuse for someone to cheat on you, especially when you’re as supportive and open as you can be. 99% of the time infidelity has to do with the cheater and not the person he cheated on – whether he cheated on you, he cheated on me, or he cheated on her. Either way, kudos to you for counseling- whether you stay or not, counseling can help you fix the negative cycles you endure in your relationship and make you a better person!