Affair Repair: Rebuild Trust & Love After the Affair

Rebuilding love and trust may seem impossible after an affair.

As with many people who are suddenly left behind by their mates because of a side dish, I have been on the end where said mate suddenly comes back, claiming to have had a change of heart and a desire to make our relationship work again. In the past, I have always been confused on whether or not I should give the cheating shmuck another chance, and have chosen one or the other option at one time or another. Some ended in good ways, others for the worse. Given the chance, I would have welcomed a source of advice on how to handle that kind of minefield situation.

Affair Repair Synopsis

Kara Oh's Affair Repair promises to restore your marriage to a happy, healthy state.

“Affair Repair: How to Save your Marriage and Make it Better than Before” by Kara Oh actually focuses on rebuilding the bonds of trust and love in a marriage after an affair by one of the spouses, however, I think most of the ideas in the book are still applicable even for people who are not married but are in a serious and long term relationship.

Generally, Oh talks about the situations that are involved when one has an affair in a marriage. She points out possible situations in the marriage that can lead to an affair, and how to assess for one’s self if the marriage is still worth saving after such an event. She further talks about the emotions that one feels when one finds out about the affair, and emotions that come in the time period after. She talks about dealing with feelings of betrayal and how to rekindle that love you once felt. She talks most of all about how to regain and rebuild that trust that was broken because of the affair.

Affair Repair: Should You Buy This?

On the upside, I think Oh has some good points, especially when it pertains to dealing with betrayal. She points out that the thought of betrayal is actually more painful than the act itself, and the pain and anger that people feel is what prevents them from rebuilding trust after affairs. She gives tips on how to stop feeling fear over your partner’s past infidelity, and how you can slow learn to stop being paranoid over the same thing happening.

However, if there is one thing that I find as a bit of a turn off in Oh’s product, it’s the section where she speaks of ways to fall back in love and rebuild those same feelings of intimacy that you and your partner once shared. Although she gives that same old disclaimer (“It’s not going to be easy” and “You really have to work at it to make it work again”), it still comes over like she feels that every relationship or marriage is fixable if “you want it enough”. However, relationships are subjective things, and from what I’ve learned, sometimes wanting does not automatically guarantee having. Sometimes, the sin and the consequent trauma is too great to overcome, and even if you still want to be with a person, nothing can convince you to do so anymore. Also, Oh tends to become overly cheesy in the last chapters of the book, especially chapter 14. (You’ll see what I mean when you read). There’s nothing wrong with celebrating love, but in this case, it seems to early to do so.

Bottom line, “Affair Repair” is not an utterly comprehensive or a definitive resource on repairing a relationship after an affair, but it’s still a good read, and offers some good ideas that will still make you think. I’d rate it a 3.2 stars out of 5 stars. Click here for  more information.

Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Wouldn’t _____ So You Cheated – Was it Worth It?

So far, we’ve discussed people who cheat in their relationships in order to meet unmet needs, including emotional needs, which experts agree is the most common cause of infidelity. Overall, we’ve learned that the best way to counteract these issues is to build a strong emotional connection with your partner and solidify it with regular maintenance.

 Now, what happens when you’ve met that unmet emotional need with someone other than your boyfriend? What do you do next? Do you continue that emotional affair outside your primary relationship? Or do you take what you’ve learned and try to recover it within your main relationship, cutting the other man on the side off?

 Figuring out the best course of action following infidelity can be very difficult, especially if you’re not really sure whether or not either party will keep you satisfied enough to fully commit to them. Truth be told, nobody’s perfect – like, that’s exactly where the 80/20 Rule stems from.

 Every relationship is as unique as a fingerprint; yet, there’s a simple method to discerning whether or not it’s worth holding on to a relationship once your unfulfilled need is met. Simply put, you must look within and review whether cheating has truly assisted you in taking care of those unmet relationship needs that led you to stray in the first place.

Well, Should I Continue Cheating on My Boyfriend/Girlfriend… ?

 We know the last thing you’d like to do is ponder deeply about the wrongs you’ve done, but get real with yourself. You initially felt that whatever it was you wanted – whether more emotional intimacy, a certain sex act or something completely random yet important to you- was so vital that it warranted stepping out of your relationship to get it; if you were that willing to obtain it, you need to be just as willing to analyze its bearing amongst your romantic requirements.

 Ask yourself the following:

 Now that you’ve cheated and pursued your unmet need, whether sexual or not, how do you feel? Did the other person truly handle those needs you cheated to get?

 Was this desire something that you were able to “get out of your system” once it was completed, or will this be an ongoing need that you’ll want indefinitely?

 Should you realize that your desires, in the long run aren’t as big a deal anymore, congratulations. You’ve gotten the urge out of your system, and have matured enough to realize your relationship is more important to you. Consider your infidelity a learning experience and continue with your regular relationship.

 Should you determine that your need was adequately met and that you are truly happier with it in your life, you’ll have to determine how this will affect your relationship. If the need is something your partner cannot or will not provide, chances are you’ll either continue having an affair, or will need to end the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.

 This holds true if whatever you need will have to occur on an unending basis. One young lady cheated because she loved oral sex, but her fiancé refused to provide it. He was a perfect boyfriend, and very considerate in all other areas but this. He considered it an emasculating act, as he was from a culture which frowned upon cunnilingus. She expressed the act improved sexual satisfaction, yet he would not be moved. At the end of the day, she loved him, but not enough to compromise her sexual satisfaction.

If you cheated on your girlfriend or boyfriend and feel utterly horrible for what you’ve done, yet enjoyed yourself, then don’t despair. You’re not necessarily a jerk, chances are you’re simply a good person who made a bad decision. However, things happen for a reason. Learn more about why you cheated on your lover and how to save your relationship after an affair.

Related Reading:

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-proof Your Marriage

The Tin Ring: How I Cheated Death

Life After Betrayal: A Practical Guide (The 10-Step Empowerment Series)

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. Workbook 7: Create Peace and Harmony.

WORLD TRADE CONFLICT: HAS THE THIRD WORLD BEEN CHEATED ?: An entry from Gale's History Behind the Headlines, Vols. 1-6

Husband’s Cheating Reignited Sexual Passion in Marriage

Daniel and Jennifer have been together for six years, two married and four dating. Even though they really love each other, Daniel feels their sex life has died. Sex has gone from occurring three or four times a week to less than a few times a month. Additionally, the energy and passion isn’t there as much either. Despite the repeated attempts to spice up their marriage, nothing works, and Daniel starts an affair with a woman he meets on Craigslist.

 The sex is alright, but it’s still not as exciting as Daniel would like. However, he still continues to see this other woman while he attempts to reconcile his passion with Jennifer.

 It’s not long before Jennifer notices a change in Daniel’s behavior, and discovers his affair. While she’s hurt, and quite frankly pissed off, Jennifer cannot help but to feel extremely attracted to Daniel. She hates him for cheating on her, but at the same time she can’t keep her hands off him. Daniel’s infidelity has sparked an intense sexual, romantic reawakening between the couple that has been missing for a long time.

Why Does a Competitive Sexual Affair Happen?

As crazy as this situation sounds, many men cheat on their wives because of the desire to reconnect with their spouses. Relationships are continuous work for many people because they tend to “fall into a rut” with one another and let the sexual chemistry fizzle.

 While this isn’t a guaranteed response for every discovered infidelity, it works often enough that most people have experienced it in some form. Perhaps your husband ignores you until he sees another man giving you what he feels is “special” attention; later on, he tries to put the moves on you. Perhaps you notice that whenever another man looks your way, your husband becomes a little more territorial than usual.

 There are dozens of reasons why cheating or the threat of cheating can arouse sexual chemistry. Many people cite reasons such as the kinkiness of the situation; fear of losing their lover; or the need for anything to spice things up. One frequent reason discussed is competition; nobody wants to lose against someone else. One cheating husband once stated, “Competition breeds great service.”

Dealing with Competitive Sexual Infidelity

Although the flames of passion have been reignited, it’s not enough to get through this infidelity. Once the flames die down, you will still need to work through the poor communication which eventually led to sexual infidelity. You must handle the relationship with kid gloves now, and work to communicate with your spouse on the consequences of the adultery and save the marriage.

Related Reading:

I Cheated My Appointment With Death

I know you cheated

I cheated death: A True Story

1. Just Because 2. Put Me Out of My Memory 3. I Don't Believe I Care Much Anymore 4. Thanks for Leaving Lucille 5. I've Never Cheated on You 6. I Still Believe in You 7. Last Days of Love 8. With Jenny on My Mind

The Tin Ring: How I Cheated Death

Is Every Marriage Equally At Risk for Infidelity or A Sexual Affair?

No marriage is the same as the next, but certain types of marriages that appear to be more prone to infidelity than others. As we review them, keep in mind that while your marriage may fit into any one of these types, this does not guarantee that it will be wrecked by infidelity. Everyone’s situation is different and must be handled accordingly.

Windshield Wiper Marriages

Windshield wiper marriages are frought with bickering, criticism, teasing and open conflict and anger towards one another. As marriage expert Dave Carder writes in Close Calls, “they are like a set of windshield wipers- close in proximity, but always the same distance apart, never meeting, and therefore avoiding intimacy.”

Both husband and wife may never openly discuss this distance between each other, but it’s a silent understanding that’s maintained regularly. While these lovers may appear to be in a negative love affair, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The cycles of pain and verbal onslaught are comfortable and therefore safe to both parties, making them feel a sense of reassurance.

Although most couples work to move past certain issues, this type of couple works hard to avoid resolution; it would end the conflict. In fact, any move to change on one partner’s side will spark intense efforts from the other to pull them right back into the normal spiral of conflict.

Windshield wiper marriages will give both partners a sense of power within the relationship. If one spouse has an affair, it’s more than possible that the other will elect to have one as well, just to “get back” at them. Additionally, this method of a marriage will allow both partners to contribute to the family lifestyle without interfering with each other’s life.

Dial Tone

Dial Tones are highly predictable marriages which neatly avoid conflict. Both spouses have rigid roles in their relationship and fight to remain steadfast to them. The motto for the dial tone marriage is “peace at any price.”

Carder says that many Christian marriages can fall under this trap, as the couples seek to set a “Christian example” of how marriage and conflicts are handled. However, “the ability to treat each other with mutual respect and to be human and honest with yourself, others and God” is missing from the relationship.

Both partners may feel strangely comfortable in this routine, until that is, a dangerously attractive person appears in one of their lives. Sudden, passionate emotions bubble to the surface for the stagnant partner, and they may feel that they’re “brought back to life” again. If this spouse changes his or her behavior, the other spouse might feel puzzled, and state things such as, “Well he/she never acted like this before!”

If and when it’s discovered that the enlivened spouse has had an affair, it’s very easy for the “perfect” spouse, the one who “hasn’t changed”, to pin the blame on the cheater. But this is incorrect; according to most experts, both parties are at fault for the deterioration of this marriage.

Empty Nesters

Empty nest marriages involve spouses who have put everything to the side for approximately twenty years or so, after having devoted such time to raising their children. Having expended so much energy on children, one or both parents have nothing left to talk about; they’ve lost their spark along the way.

Since the marriage has lost it’s importance during the duration of child-rearing years, the future looks bleak. It’s not uncommon for a vulnerable and scared spouse to act out and seek that spark with an extramarital party. Having no idea of how vulnerable and needy they were for adult intimacy, someone can easily fall into an affair after their children leave the roost and they find it difficult to reconnect with their spouse.

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Refusing Therapy to Save Your Marriage

After promising to change and do anything to save your marriage, your husband may have agreed to attend therapy sessions, either alone or with you as a couple. During the initial stages of the sessions, he seems attentive and open to the situation, but as time goes on, he becomes more withdrawn and even irate about the sessions. Before you know it, he’s refusing to attend therapy and doesn’t seem to care how you feel about his change of heart.

Marriage counseling is a good opportunity for couples to work through their issues and discover what brought them to the painful crossroads in their relationships. In therapy sessions, alliances are formed between you, your spouse and the therapist, that abide by the belief that you are unique individuals who are to be looked at individually and as a couple.

While the counseling sessions can be emotionally gut-wrenching and hit raw nerves, both you and your husband should feel comfortable in your therapist’s presence. If you find that your husband becomes stubborn and unreceptive to the counseling, ask him what the problem is. Perhaps he feels as if your marriage and its problems are private, and shouldn’t be worked out in front of others, therapists included. There’s also the possibility that he relives feelings of guilt from his affairs in every counseling session and doesn’t want to deal with that feeling. We can’t tell you what his exact thoughts are; the possibilities are endless.

If you feel that you’re making excellent progress in your counseling sessions together, try to encourage him to work through the complications he’s feeling. Be honest about the fact that you feel marital counseling is helping your relationship and mention that you’re proud of his efforts.

If He Doesn’t Like the Therapist Environment

Should your husband state that he’s open to working on the marriage, but that the problem is the environment, then this will probably require rectification in order to keep things afloat. Ask him what he doesn’t like about the therapist and their office.  Maybe the office is too cold. Perhaps he feels judged by the therapist and presumes that the counselor empathizes with you as a victim of infidelity. Offer him the opportunity to switch out your current therapist and find someone who seems to fully engage the both of you in your sessions.

If you discover that your husband truly just isn’t interested in therapy, but doesn’t have any other possible solutions to help rebuild your relationship, this may be a sign that he’s just not as invested in the marriage as you are.

Related Reading:

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. The Complete Set of 9 Workbooks.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

Life After Betrayal: A Practical Guide (The 10-Step Empowerment Series)

The Dance of Restoration: Rebuilding a Marriage after Infidelity

Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity

Emotional Acceptance: The Most Important Aspect of Healing from His Affair

Throughout the discovery of your lover’s affair, you may fight to resist the truth. You may refuse to believe they cheated on you, deceived you and lied to you. “How could this happen?! No, it didn’t happen… not to me, I’m too good for this!” you may think.

Emotional acceptance is an important part of recovering from an affair, or any other traumatizing situation in life. When you have emotional acceptance, you give yourself the ability to stop fighting and resisting what’s happened on an emotional level. You become less emotionally reactive and accept what’s happened without the overt, painful dramatics. Emotional acceptance aligns you with reality, allowing you to see your husband’s cheating for what it is and helping you decide what to do next.

Emotional Acceptance Is Not Passivity or Tolerance of Infidelity

A striking example of example of emotional acceptance is dealing with the death of a loved one. When someone you love dies- a dear friend or beloved pet- it’s hard to accept what happened initially. You don’t want to hear that everything will be okay and you don’t want to believe this person is dead and never coming back. You’re consumed with grief and have little-to-no control over your emotional reaction when the news first hits. The pain lives within you for a long time, but decreases its affects on your daily living over time. Eventually, while you still love and miss the person, you’re now able to fully accept and embrace their passing. At this point, you’ve stopped resisting what’s happened and emotionally accepted it.

When it comes to emotionally accepting an affair, the process will be very similar. You will have to ride it out and accept that your husband did cheat on you. You will have to accept that things in your marriage were not going as expected. You will have to accept that your cheating husband did lie to you about his sexual or emotional affair, and that he did so willingly for a period of time, in an effort to conceal his extramarital trysts.

Clearly speaking, emotional acceptance does not mean what he’s done is okay. Emotional acceptance simply allows you to find peace within the storm. Emotional acceptance is not tolerance; his cheating on you doesn’t have to be right as long as you accept it happened. When you emotionally accept a situation, you’re not rewarding poor behavior and it doesn’t stop you from making his life difficult. You don’t minimize what was done when you accept his cheating; in fact, you must see it for what it is in its full glory. And emotionally accepting your husband’s cheating does not denote passivity and mean you do nothing, but allows you to move forward with confidence in yourself to make the most of this situation.

This information was adapted from Paul Coleman’s You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life. If this information helped you, consider purchasing Coleman’s book for more insightful information.

Related Reading:

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-proof Your Marriage

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. Workbook 1: Shock and Circumstance

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. The Complete Set of 9 Workbooks.

Life After Betrayal: A Practical Guide (The 10-Step Empowerment Series)

The Rescue You Program: How To Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. Workbook 4: Face Your Fears.

My Heart’s Not in Saving the Marriage

In an effort to rebuild your marriage, your husband whisks you off on an exotic getaway. He’s putting all his effort into saving your marriage and stopping divorce in its tracks but you can’t seem to get excited by his attempts to rekindle the flame. As a result, he becomes highly frustrated that your heart’s not in it and starts wondering why he’s bothering in the first place.

Your husband’s efforts aren’t completely in vain, yet they are a hasty effort to move the affair out of your relationship’s pathway; his trip is an effort to put the past behind him and make rapid progress.

At the same time, nobody can blame you if you can’t help but avoid feeling excited about your wayward spouse’s efforts to re-ignite the flame in your marriage; after all, you’re actually seeking to avoid getting so excited by this move that your husband settles the affair as a small bump in your marriage.

Move past this road block by discussing the need for acceptance on both sides. Your husband will need to accept that his infidelity affected your desire for him, and a romantic trip, no matter how passionate, will not easily replace the diminished attraction to him. Also explain that you have to learn to accept that he’s trying to improve the state of your marriage and assist in helping you move past the affair as a couple. Remind him that just because you intend to have a good time on your trip does not mean all is forgotten and you need time to move at your own pace.

Do not get into a debate about how you or your husband should feel, but instead allow each other to fully feel whatever it is each person is feeling at the moment. Honoring each other’s true feelings about the situation makes for a respectful interaction which assists in restoring honor for both partners in the relationship. Successful practice of emotional acceptance and respecting the other party’s feelings also results in the you and your husband being able to feel safe in sharing more intimate thoughts and feelings within the relationship.

Related Reading:

Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity

The Rescue You Program: How To Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. Workbook 4: Face Your Fears.

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. Workbook 1: Shock and Circumstance

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. The Complete Set of 9 Workbooks.

Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

“Husband Cheated, but He’s Sick of Apologizing”

You don’t know how many times you need your wayward husband to apologize for cheating on you, but once damn sure isn’t enough. You don’t care if he has to tell you he’s sorry every hour on the hour, but he’s angry and insists he’s apologized more than enough times for his infidelity, and doesn’t feel a need to repeat this.

Most cheating men feel apologies are the first step to reconciliation and are ready to move forward once they’ve issued one. Once they’ve apologized, men also don’t want to drag out the apology, but many women want to talk about what happened and why the apology was necessary to begin with. If a man feels that providing you another apology is a gateway to bringing up the past (something most men hate), then he’ll resist giving one so that he doesn’t have to rehash all the details of his affair once more.

Of course, it’s wise for a cheating husband to apologize to his wife for cheating on her, but ultimately, his actions must speak louder than words. Look for your husband to show that he’s sorry with his actions instead of his sweet apologies. Ways men apologize include helping out more around the house, buying lavish gifts or running errands.

If you feel the need to talk to him about apologizing more often, then simply tell your husband that his apologies serve to assure you of his love for you, and don’t represent a lack of belief in his past ones. Reinforce that you want periodic reassurances of his love to remind you of his love and to show he does care about his infidelity’s impact on you and the relationship.

Related Reading:

Unfaithful: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. Workbook 7: Create Peace and Harmony.

The Dance of Restoration: Rebuilding a Marriage after Infidelity

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-proof Your Marriage

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

8 Things You DON’T DO When He Cheats On You

When you’re first dealing with the discovery of infidelity, it’s easy for you to act on the emotions running high. Hold your fire, because the best thing you can do right now is get a grip before you behave in ways that only intensify the problems.

1. DON’T immediately call it quits on the relationship. Even though your emotions are high, tell him that you need time to make a decision.

2. DON’T tell your friends or your mother. Relationships are very personal. When cheating becomes involved, your friends and family will take a side- your side. If you two reconcile, they’ll continue to demonize him, despite the fact you’ve forgiven him.

3. DON’T tell your babies. Children hate to see their parents fighting with one another, and tend to act out, become depressed or feel it’s their fault when things happen at home.

4. DON’T become an emotional diva. Yes, he’s a lying, cheating, dirty bastard who owes you an explanation… but not in front of the congregation at 9 AM Sunday Service. While your demands appear to make you feel better, they’re just a poor attempt to gain control over him.  

5. DON’T make his job hell. Exposing his affair at work doesn’t improve his productivity and it can make you look crazy. Even if his mistress does work in his office, you’re putting his career (and financial security) at stake, something you don’t want to do if he’s the primary breadwinner.

6. DON’T tell him how much you know. Allow your unfaithful husband the opportunity to come clean about all the details of his sexual affair first. Ask him questions you already know the answer to in order to gauge his honesty.

 7. DON’T attempt to justify his behavior. Although there are many reasons why people cheat, your job is not to determine why your cheating spouse had an affair. Since he cheated on you, he, as the cheater, must explain what drove him to the point of infidelity.

8. DON’T beat yourself up or take his cheating personally. It sucks to be cheated on, but you cannot and should not blame yourself. You cannot force someone to cheat, no matter what they tell you. Even if relationship problems are to blame, and you haven’t been the best wife, your husband still made a deliberate and conscious decision to cheat.

Related Reading:

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. The Complete Set of 9 Workbooks.

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair. Workbook 1: Shock and Circumstance

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

The Dance of Restoration: Rebuilding a Marriage after Infidelity

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-proof Your Marriage