Getting your husband back is definitely a goal you may have after ending a relationship with him. If you’re wishing to be in his warm embrace again, to have blissful peace knowing his love is all yours once again, you might have to get your hands a little grubby to do so.

If you know you’re willing to go to any length to save your marriage and get your husband back, it’s time to consider going “Black Ops” on him. Black Ops, in other words, is the technique of using male psychology against him.

But what if you’re not quite sure if this is the best option for you?

Male Psychology: Is It Okay to Use Male Psychology to Influence Him?

To tell the truth, millions of women just like you have used male psychology and other psychological tricks since the beginning of time as a means to get men to do everything and anything. Literally. From taking out the trash to waging war (remember The Trojan Horse story?). Appealing to male psychology is used for selling everything from cars or beer to blonde or black hair dye. Ever heard the term “sex sells”? Well now you get the idea.

Sex Sells… Sensuality and Femininity Combined Bring Him to His Knees

Men in general are highly simplistic creatures who will even themselves admit to being easily manipulated by high-voltage sex appeal and feminine wiles. The psychological triggers alerted when you engage sensuality and sexuality in all of its forms basically disconnect a guy’s brain from his body. As a result a man’s emotions overpower his usually rock-solid logic. A pretty woman with a flat tire will make a man pull over from six lanes of traffic just he can change the tire for her – even if he’s in a suit and knows it will make him half an hour late or more to his appointment.

In it’s more mild uses – you know, other t han getting your husband back –  male psychology can persuade him to open pickle jars, pick up heavy objects and wrestle with the most boring, routine and unpleasant chores. Don’t believe me? Ask your own mother – and other hot women in your life – if they have any special tricks to sweetly persuade the “big Daddy of the House” to do things they want and get things done. Chances are, you’ll be surprised and tickled at the responses, and learn a few funny stories as well.

Making your marriage work is something that doesn’t come easy and doesn’t bear fruit overnight. All relationships require work, but when it comes to marriage, the workload seems even more difficult to deal with. Over time, married spouses tend to neglect to build intimacy, which, when prolonged, creates a void that leaves either party vulnerable to an affair. Regardless of whether it is an emotional or sexual infidelity, such heartbreaking betrayal is extremely difficult to recover from, especially when neither party is willing to see past the events and determine what’s best for the marriage. Therefore, preventative maintenance, as with anything else, is the best way to save your marriage from the dangers of infidelity.

Dating Your Husband: How Dating Your Husband Boosts Your Passion

Learning to date again is a simple way to rekindle the passion your marriage. Dating requires creativity, exposure, planning and consideration on your part. Going out on dates is exciting, sexy, revitalizing… and just completely engaging and thrilling, especially when you haven’t dated in a long time.

Most dates unnerve and frighten us, especially new ones. However, these dates won’t. Instead, they should give you pleasurable butterflies in your stomach.

See…You’re not going on any random date with some stranger! No! Not at all!

You’re going to be dating your husband. Yes, husband – say it with us, hus-band – as in the man you married some time ago. And why not? It’s certainly been awhile since you’ve both taken the time to keep things sexy and flirtatious like the good old days before you started regularly taking each other for granted.

So, start dating your spouse again. Plan specific events to attend together, all with the goal of learning to enjoy each other’s company all over again. Make things exciting. Don’t just go to dinner and a movie. Choose a small, local restaurant known for delicious entrees yet only enough room for undersized tables and minimal space, forcing you two to sit closer. Rent a lush, expensive Bed & Breakfast that will allow you to make love with the extra novelty of exploring each other’s bodies in a “strange”, “new” place you’ve never been before. Try something crazy and new together, like whitewater rafting, or parasailing.

It doesn’t matter what you do together, as long as you both are willing to keep an open mind. What’s important is that the two of you are enjoying your time together, that each date feels as exciting as the last, if not more. You want to giggle and blush the morning after like a schoolgirl who made out with her boyfriend last night in the backseat of his older brother’s ’67 Chevy. The excitement, the tension, the novelty of it all – that’s what you want, need, to revitalize the stagnancy of your relationship.

Don’t forget to psyche yourself up! Remember how you felt when he first asked you out? All those crazy butterflies dancing in your stomach and leaping around inside of you when you first answered “yes” and then immediately began planning what to wear? Think about all the outfits you planned and went through, accessories and makeup and hairstyles you mix-n-matched and played with in order to get the “perfect” look guaranteed to blow him away.

Apply the same level of care you had for your dates with him then to the dates you’re going to start having now. Get your hair done, touch up your pedicure and manicure, wax your underarms – whiten your teeth! Look, good, lady! Dress up for him like you actually care about what he thinks – because you do. You care because he’s your husband, your man, and he, for the evening, is all yours for as long as you want him.

And of course…

…Best of all…

You can take him home with you…

…If he’s a good boy and all…

…. Cause you know… he is your husband and all, right?

So, to recap our “Help Me Save My Marriage” idea of the day, dating your husband is a great way to reconnect with your spouse and pump up the passion in your marriage. Like we’ve mentioned, making your marriage work isn’t easy… but who says it can’t be fun? Take the time to plan sexy dates with your man, fix yourself up so he’s floored and his heart leaps out his chest at the sight of you – and enjoy every moment you can like it’s a fresh new experience for the two of you.

Click here to Learn about how to have better sex through yoga- totally hot, sexy and necessary for an improved sex life.

Marriage, like your favorite car, requires consistent preventative maintenance to keep it healthy. Failure to regularly assess areas of concern are one of the best ways to save a marriage or relationship problems from divorce or separation. Save your marriage before it gets that far by figuring out what you can do to keep things in shape.

How’s Your Communication?

Staying connected to your partner is important to maintaining a relationship. Ask your man about his day to see if he has any amusing stories to share, or simply ask him about a news story you’ve heard. It doesn’t really matter what you talk about, as long as you fully enjoy each other’s company. Lack of communication is a definite indication that your relationship needs some attention.

Are You Trapped in Complacency?

Couples tend to fall into a routine from time to time, and can forget what it was that attracted them to their partner in the first place. Romantic candlelit dinners, intimate dancing, sunset walks in the evening – all sweet, sexy things you used to do together seem to fall to the wayside once you get used to each other and start taking things for granted.

Feelings of restlessness and boredom are red flags your relationship needs some special attention. It’s essential for couples to continue dating, even if they have been together for years. Indulge him in a little romance every once in a while to keep the relationship fresh and interesting.

Constant Arguing

Constant arguments and tension are one of the most obvious signs your relationship needs a bit of tuning. Countless couples sidestep fights by collecting real or perceived hurts instead of being open and honest with one another when it’s necessary. Their goal is to divert negative attention from the relationship, but this ultimately undermines the relationship by creating invisible walls of resentment between couples.

Talking to your husband about relationship problems is crucial. Take his feelings into consideration, regardless of whether you feel they’re justified or not, and connect with him to end conflicts as soon as possible. Your ability to communicate will go a long way into preserving the peace.

Wandering Eyes … and Thoughts

Fantasizing about dating other men is another red flag that signals your relationship needs attention. It’s one thing to fantasize sexually, but truly another to consider a real relationship with them. Your wandering eyes can lead to a wandering heart – and emotional infidelity can be as painful, if not more, than sexual infidelity.

Again, saving your marriage relationship requires regular care and attention. Don’t wait until it’s too late to begin working on relationship problems and rekindling the flame with your husband – start now while you’re ahead and you may never have to worry.

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“My husband cheated. My once-perfect marriage is on the rocks – I’m even thinking about getting a divorce. I knew we were having relationship issues, but how the hell am I supposed to deal with this – or him? Is it even possible to save my marriage?”

The discovery and shock of your cheating husband and troubled marriage can make you feel desperate and alone. But please don’t beat yourself up! Your experience isn’t uncommon. Sadly, relationship issues plague many troubled marriages – and long before sexual affairs come into play. Infidelity is usually no more than a culmination of several underlying marital problems gone unaddressed in the husband-wife relationship.

Saving your marriage starts by uncovering relationship issues which lead to marital dissatisfaction, and, sometimes, sexual infidelity.

Money

Time after time, so many people have used the adage: “Money is the root of all evil.” No one can determine whether or not this is entirely true, but it’s very clear that money is indeed at the root of many troubled marriages. When it comes to finances, couples must be on the same page. Financial infidelity and other financial conflicts can arise when one spouse is a saver and the other is a spender. Inability to get on the same page about your credit and expenses can turn everyday costs into something to fight about. Discuss large purchases with one another, and put aside time regularly to be sure you both communicate clearly and honestly about finances and financially-related topics in your marriage.

Communication

Communication, or rather, lack thereof, is usually at the soul of troubled relationships. Partners may not discuss things that bother them. Others may open up, yet use negative forms of communication that ignite an argument. Some husbands and wives assume their spouses can read their minds and get angry when they’re asked what’s wrong. Effective communication involves equal parts of speaking and listening in any relationship. Learning to develop a thick skin and the ability to empathize with your husband can also go a long way to saving a troubled marriage as well.

Selfishness

Don’t get it twisted. It’s great to discuss problems, but it’s not enough to fix them. Each issue requires a resolution. This is something that many people, even the best communicators, fail to understand. Relationships require compromise in order for both husband and wife to reach a decision they can both live with. Failure to compromise where needed will further disturb the peace and delay saving your marriage.

Family & Friends

There’s a mantra about this subject: “You don’t just marry the person, you marry their family.” Do not disrespect or control your husband’s relationship with his family; instead, form solid relationships with them as well. Try to do the same with his friends, if you can. If you find these things aren’t possible, isn’t possible, focus on the most important relationship of all: the one with your spouse.

Our discussion was specific, but it wasn’t all inclusive and extraordinarily comprehensive. Other relationship issues that can affect and destroy marriages certainly do exist, but many are rooted in one of the issues stated above. Work to develop healthy communication about relationship issues, and one day you can be part of the people who can tell others, “I learned how to save my marriage - and it’s better than ever.”

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When it comes down to dealing with troubled marriages, people assume there were incidents of sexual infidelity involved. On top of this, the usual justification is that a cheating husband did so simply chose to simply because “he’s a man”. These prevailing misconceptions display just how uninformed people are when it comes to understanding infidelity and issues related to it.

Sexual Infidelity is about betrayal, not sex

Sex is an action that involves two or more people. Infidelity is an act of betrayal committed against one’s trust – sexually, emotionally or otherwise. Thus it’s safe to say that sexual infidelity occurs when a cheating husband acts out sexually with someone else and betrays his commitment to wife. More often than not, cheaters know better than to behave as they do; this explains the length of deception they will go in order to hide their illicit activities.

So what causes sexual adultery? Unfaithfulness can be triggered by many things; attraction, loneliness or too much drinking, group pressure, by the thrill of adventure… the list can go on indefinitely. However, the large majority of sexual affairs, upon thorough analysis, is the result of one or both spouses lacking emotional fulfillment in their marriage.

Swingers are not cheaters

Many people confuse the idea of couples swinging or allowing each other to engage in sex with others as “cheating,” but this is an inappropriate comparison. Swingers and those living “open” lifestyles create their own sexual boundaries that allow them to engage in sexual activities with other people. As they have each other’s consent, “open” couples aren’t cheating as long as they operate within their personal guidelines. Couples who sneak sexual activity on the side while engaged in what was previously agreed upon as a monogamous relationship, however, are cheating.

(Side-note: open marriages, no matter how liberating they look, still require honesty and accountability on part of all parties involved for the relationships to mutually benefit everyone.)

Save your marriage with honesty

To save your marriage after an affair will require courage. You’ll need courage to take a long thorough look at the entire relationship and all the processes and events which built up to this crucial turn of events – and this includes honestly looking at the role you’ve played in your relationship. Once you do this, you’ll need to discover the art of emotional acceptance to assist in feeling peace in the midst of your turmoil. Emotional acceptance doesn’t forget about your husband’s betrayal; it simply gives you the necessary emotional clarity required to heal as you deal with the aftereffects of the affair.

His sidetrick is irrelevant

Don’t obsess over the other woman! So many women wrap themselves up in the other woman, trying to analyze everything about her: from the color of her eyes and the perkiness of her 34-C breasts (and the quality of her panties) to the grade of her extensions and how much money she makes. Whether or not she looks better than or – *gasps* – gives better blowjobs-  than you. All of these little bitchy comparisons ignore what’s most important - figuring out what went wrong in your marriage and identifying previously ignored red flags that might have prevented the affair.

Shift your focus to the health and quality of the relationship you share with your husband. Determine whether your trust and love are so badly damaged that there’s no hope for restoration, even with the help of a marriage counselor.  Is the bond you have with your husband strong enough to overcome his heartbreaking actions? Are you truly willing to make the changes necessary on your part to listen to his side of things, or will you abruptly queue up those tormented memories of the strawberry kisses her lipstick left on his collar and the scent of that cheap Designer Impostor perfume she left in his car to negate any need to take ownership of your part in the affair?

You are responsible for your happiness. It’s up to you to determine whether you’re going to save your marriage, or divorce your husband after having an affair.

Affair Repair: Rebuild Trust & Love After the Affair

Rebuilding love and trust may seem impossible after an affair.

As with many people who are suddenly left behind by their mates because of a side dish, we’ve all been there when said mate suddenly comes back, claiming to have had a change of heart and a desire to make our relationship work again.  Some of us have been confused as to whether or not we should give the cheating shmuck another chance, repair love after the affair and have chosen one or the other option at one time or another. Some ended in good ways, others for the worse. Given the chance, I would have welcomed a source of advice on how to handle that kind of minefield situation. 

Affair Repair Synopsis

Kara Oh's Affair Repair promises to restore your marriage to a happy, healthy state.

“Affair Repair: How to Save your Marriage and Make it Better than Before” by Kara Oh actually focuses on rebuilding the bonds of trust and love in a marriage after an affair by one of the spouses, however, I think most of the ideas in the book are still applicable even for people who are not married but are in a serious and long term relationship. 

Generally, Oh talks about the situations that are involved when one has an affair that needs to be fixed to repair a marriage. She points out possible situations in the marriage that can lead to an affair, and how to assess for one’s self if the marriage is still worth saving after such an event. She further talks about the emotions that one feels when one finds out about the affair, and emotions that come in the time period after. She talks about dealing with feelings of betrayal and how to rekindle that love you once felt. She talks most of all about how to regain and rebuild that trust that was broken because of the affair. 

Affair Repair: Should You Buy This?

On the upside, I think Oh has some good points, especially when it pertains to dealing with betrayal. She points out that the thought of betrayal is actually more painful than the act itself, and the pain and anger that people feel is what prevents them from rebuilding trust after affairs. She gives tips on how to stop feeling fear over your partner’s past infidelity, and how you can slow learn to stop being paranoid over the same thing happening. 

However, if there is one thing that I find as a bit of a turn off in Oh’s product, it’s the section where she speaks of ways to fall back in love and rebuild those same feelings of intimacy that you and your partner once shared. Although she gives that same old disclaimer (“It’s not going to be easy” and “You really have to work at it to make it work again”), it still comes over like she feels that every relationship or marriage is fixable if “you want it enough”. However, relationships are subjective things, and from what I’ve learned, sometimes wanting does not automatically guarantee having. Sometimes, the sin and the consequent trauma is too great to overcome, and even if you still want to be with a person, nothing can convince you to do so anymore. Also, Oh tends to become overly cheesy in the last chapters of the book, especially chapter 14. (You’ll see what I mean when you read). There’s nothing wrong with celebrating love, but in this case, it seems to early to do so. 

Bottom line, “Affair Repair” is not an utterly comprehensive or a definitive resource on repairing a relationship after an affair, but it’s still a good read, and offers some good ideas that will still make you think. I’d rate it a 3.2 stars out of 5 stars. Click here for  more information.

Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Wouldn’t _____ So You Cheated – Was it Worth It?

So far, we’ve discussed people who cheat in their relationships in order to meet unmet needs, including emotional needs, which experts agree is the most common cause of infidelity. Overall, we’ve learned that the best way to counteract these issues is to build a strong emotional connection with your partner and solidify it with regular maintenance.

Now, what happens when you’ve met that unmet emotional need with someone other than your boyfriend? What do you do next? Do you continue that emotional affair outside your primary relationship? Or do you take what you’ve learned and try to recover it within your main relationship, cutting the other man on the side off?

Figuring out the best course of action following infidelity can be very difficult, especially if you’re not really sure whether or not either party will keep you satisfied enough to fully commit to them. Truth be told, nobody’s perfect – like, that’s exactly where the 80/20 Rule stems from.

Every relationship is as unique as a fingerprint; yet, there’s a simple method to discerning whether or not it’s worth holding on to a relationship once your unfulfilled need is met. Simply put, you must look within and review whether cheating has truly assisted you in taking care of those unmet relationship needs that led you to stray in the first place.

Well, Should I Continue Cheating on My Boyfriend/Girlfriend… ?

We know the last thing you’d like to do is ponder deeply about the wrongs you’ve done, but get real with yourself. You initially felt that whatever it was you wanted – whether more emotional intimacy, a certain sex act or something completely random yet important to you- was so vital that it warranted stepping out of your relationship to get it; if you were that willing to obtain it, you need to be just as willing to analyze its bearing amongst your romantic requirements.

Ask yourself the following:

Now that you’ve cheated and pursued your unmet need, whether sexual or not, how do you feel? Did the other person truly handle those needs you cheated to get?

Was this desire something that you were able to “get out of your system” once it was completed, or will this be an ongoing need that you’ll want indefinitely?

Should you realize that your desires, in the long run aren’t as big a deal anymore, congratulations. You’ve gotten the urge out of your system, and have matured enough to realize your relationship is more important to you. Consider your infidelity a learning experience and continue with your regular relationship.

Should you determine that your need was adequately met and that you are truly happier with it in your life, you’ll have to determine how this will affect your relationship. If the need is something your partner cannot or will not provide, chances are you’ll either continue having an affair, or will need to end the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.

This holds true if whatever you need will have to occur on an unending basis. One young lady cheated because she loved oral sex, but her fiancé refused to provide it. He was a perfect boyfriend, and very considerate in all other areas but this. He considered it an emasculating act, as he was from a culture which frowned upon cunnilingus. She expressed the act improved sexual satisfaction, yet he would not be moved. At the end of the day, she loved him, but not enough to compromise her sexual satisfaction.

If you cheated on your girlfriend or boyfriend and feel utterly horrible for what you’ve done, yet enjoyed yourself, then don’t despair. You’re not necessarily a jerk, chances are you’re simply a good person who made a bad decision. However, things happen for a reason. Learn more about why you cheated on your lover and how to save your relationship after an affair.

Husband’s Cheating Reignited Sexual Passion in Marriage

In a weird way, jealousy inspires sexual passion in some marriages.

Daniel and Jennifer have been together for six years, two married and four dating. Even though they really love each other, Daniel feels their sex life after marriage has died. Sex has gone from occurring three or four times a week to less than a few times a month. Additionally, the energy and passion isn’t there as much either. Despite the repeated attempts to spice up their marriage, nothing works, and Daniel starts an intense sexual affair with a woman he meets on Craigslist.

The sex is alright, but it’s still not as exciting as Daniel would like. However, he still continues to see this other woman while he attempts to reconcile his passion with Jennifer.

It’s not long before Jennifer notices a change in Daniel’s behavior, and discovers his illicit sexual affair. While she’s hurt, and quite frankly pissed off, Jennifer cannot help but to feel incredibly attracted to Daniel. She hates him for cheating on her, but at the same time she can’t keep her hands off him. Daniel’s infidelity has sparked an intense sexual, romantic reawakening between the couple that has been missing for a long time.

Why Does a Competitive Sexual Affair Happen?

As crazy as this situation sounds, many men cheat on their wives because of the desire to reconnect with their spouses. Relationships are continuous work for many people because they tend to “fall into a rut” with one another and let the sexual chemistry fizzle.

While this isn’t a guaranteed response for every discovered infidelity, sexual reconnection between couples works often enough that most people have experienced it in some form. Perhaps your husband ignores you until he sees another man giving you what he feels is “special” attention; later on, he tries to put the moves on you. Perhaps you notice that whenever another man looks your way, your husband becomes a little more territorial than usual.

There are dozens of reasons why cheating or the threat of cheating can arouse sexual chemistry. Many people cite reasons such as the kinkiness of the situation; fear of losing their lover; or the need for anything to spice things up. One frequent reason discussed is competition; nobody wants to lose against someone else. One cheating husband once stated, “Competition breeds great service.”

Dealing with Competitive Sexual Infidelity

Although the flames of passion have been reignited, it’s not enough to overcome sexual infidelity. Once the flames die down, you will still need to work through the poor communication which eventually led to sexual infidelity. You must handle the relationship with kid gloves now, and work to communicate with your spouse on the consequences of the adultery and save your marriage.

Is Every Marriage Equally At Risk for Infidelity or A Sexual Affair?

No marriage is the same as the next, but certain types of marriages that appear to be more prone to infidelity than others. As we review them, keep in mind that while your marriage may fit into any one of these types, this does not guarantee that it will be wrecked by infidelity. Everyone’s situation is different and must be handled accordingly.

Windshield Wiper Marriages

Windshield wiper marriages are frought with bickering, criticism, teasing and open conflict and anger towards one another. As marriage expert Dave Carder writes in Close Calls, “they are like a set of windshield wipers- close in proximity, but always the same distance apart, never meeting, and therefore avoiding intimacy.”

Both husband and wife may never openly discuss this distance between each other, but it’s a silent understanding that’s maintained regularly. While these lovers may appear to be in a negative love affair, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The cycles of pain and verbal onslaught are comfortable and therefore safe to both parties, making them feel a sense of reassurance.

Although most couples work to move past certain issues, this type of couple works hard to avoid resolution; it would end the conflict. In fact, any move to change on one partner’s side will spark intense efforts from the other to pull them right back into the normal spiral of conflict.

Windshield wiper marriages will give both partners a sense of power within the relationship. If one spouse has an affair, it’s more than possible that the other will elect to have one as well, just to “get back” at them. Additionally, this method of a marriage will allow both partners to contribute to the family lifestyle without interfering with each other’s life.

Dial Tone

Dial Tones are highly predictable marriages which neatly avoid conflict. Both spouses have rigid roles in their relationship and fight to remain steadfast to them. The motto for the dial tone marriage is “peace at any price.”

Carder says that many Christian marriages can fall under this trap, as the couples seek to set a “Christian example” of how marriage and conflicts are handled. However, “the ability to treat each other with mutual respect and to be human and honest with yourself, others and God” is missing from the relationship.

Both partners may feel strangely comfortable in this routine, until that is, a dangerously attractive person appears in one of their lives. Sudden, passionate emotions bubble to the surface for the stagnant partner, and they may feel that they’re “brought back to life” again. If this spouse changes his or her behavior, the other spouse might feel puzzled, and state things such as, “Well he/she never acted like this before!”

If and when it’s discovered that the enlivened spouse has had an affair, it’s very easy for the “perfect” spouse, the one who “hasn’t changed”, to pin the blame on the cheater. But this is incorrect; according to most experts, both parties are at fault for the deterioration of this marriage.

marriages at risk for sexual affairs infidelities

Empty Nesters

Empty nest marriages involve spouses who have put everything to the side for approximately twenty years or so, after having devoted such time to raising their children. Having expended so much energy on children, one or both parents have nothing left to talk about; they’ve lost their spark along the way.

Since the marriage has lost it’s importance during the duration of child-rearing years, the future looks bleak. It’s not uncommon for a vulnerable and scared spouse to act out and seek that spark with an extramarital party. Having no idea of how vulnerable and needy they were for adult intimacy, someone can easily fall into an affair after their children leave the roost and they find it difficult to reconnect with their spouse.