He Cheated on Me - Now What?! » reasons people cheat

The "Do I Still Have It?" Affair

admin — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 06:23:43 +0000

Sexual Affairs and His Midlife Crisis

There are so many times when cheating seems to be about something the wife or girlfriend does or doesn’t bring to the relationship. When a woman is cheated on, it’s common for her to think it has something to do with how she looks or her sexual prowess.

Despite the fact that these might be valid concerns, most women have nothing to fear; the majority of cheating men feel very attracted and connected to their women. Usually, the reason why a man cheats is an internal issue, a personal conflict that may have some relation to his relationship with his wife or girlfriend, but truly reflects his own character.

One of the biggest reasons men cheat on their loving wives or girlfriends is to see if he’s “still got it,” that it being charm, game, and panache to pull and entice women. Most of the time, you can observe this type of infidelity during a man’s midlife crisis or other major life events.

Loss of Confidence in Men and Cheating

To understand how a midlife crisis can inspire a once devoted husband’s sexual infidelity, you have to get inside his mind. Often, as relationships stabilize and become routine, passion dies and a sense of normalcy takes over. Predictability is usually a comforting and reassuring aspect of daily life in committed relationships, but it further deadens the sense of excitement and aliveness a couple feels. When conflicts, commitments and obligations are added to the mix, some men feel all but dead and drained by what was once a sexually blissful, romantic relationship.

Men who are too immature to handle their emotions and/or poor conflicts internalize the negativity or boredom of their relationships and its related conflicts as reflections of who they’ve become. Even though most conflicts are resolved within time and the couple maintains a strong bond, insecure men can allow their confidence to nosedive with each struggle. Worried, these men wonder if they’ve become former shells of who they once were: confident, successful and charismatic men who knew how to hook a woman with passion and keep her coming back for more.

Cheating Husband Seeks to Validate Himself

Instead of recognizing that he needs to reconcile those feelings within himself, a cheating husband steps outside the marriage. His efforts to validate himself are not a means of intentionally hurting his wife or girlfriend. They’re more of his attempt to reassure himself that even though his woman’s used to him, he’s still a dashing, charismatic ladies’ man who still possesses the power to capture a woman’s attention.

When he has a sexual affair and captures the heart and attention of another woman, he does so with the intention of giving himself a pat on the back. The other woman, no matter how sexy or beautiful, in the long run is nothing but a means to an end; she’s helping him on his quest to prove his worth to himself. Once the affair is revealed and reconciled, hindsight will prove her little more than a then-needed ego boost, however temporary.

Cheating men foolishly seek out these sexual affairs an effort to prove themselves attractive and loveable in the eyes of women other than their wives and girlfriends, who they assume are just “too used to them.” Though this affair serves some purpose by invigorating cheating husbands with renewed confidence, it comes at the risk of devastating their marriages and wives’ trust. Despite what people think, it doesn’t matter why someone does it; infidelity sucks, period. Upon discovering your husband’s shocking affair, you may feel sickened. Learning that his reasons were even more selfish than suspected my have you disgusted to the core, and wondering whether this relationship is worth saving.

Affair Repair for Marital Infidelity

If you want to fix your marriage, you will need to know the secrets that make relationships succeed, even after infidelity. Affair Repair is an all-inclusive, top rated, innovative program that guides lovers through the necessary steps to repair troubled marriages and fragile long-term relationships after they’ve been destroyed by sexual or emotional infidelity. This simple yet effective program boasts revolutionary breakthrough information that is up-to-the-minute and works like magic, yielding consistently powerful results. Best of all, Affair Repair’s creators are so confident that the program will change your marriage, they offer you an iron-clad no risk 8 week moneyback guarantee!

Find out more about Affair Repair’s proven system and learn how to get a free 20 minute couples consultation now!

Cheating Because I Deserved To: Recovering From Marital Affairs

admin — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:24:16 +0000

Indulgent Infidelity: I Deserved to Cheat

It’s been stated that people lead lives of quiet desperation, and this sentiment can also apply to relationships, especially long-term relationships and marriages with heavy obligations and commitments. So after years of dealing with raising kids, PTA meetings, working overtime to pay for the extra expenses your family needs and supporting your spouse in their own pursuit of happiness, you feel entitled to some satisfaction of your own. Thus, you’re more than okay with enjoying some tail on the side.

It’s not that your husband or wife isn’t satisfying to you or that your marriage is even rocky; you’re probably just feeling overworked and underappreciated, and need some release, something naughty and discreet to keep a small smile on your face while you’re busting your tail to make everyone but yourself happy. A simple need for release is one of many causes of infidelity.

If you think about this “naughty indulgence,” do you feel guilty afterwards? If so, do you still feel as if you deserved the affair for some reason? Do you enjoy the pleasure you derive from your secret encounters, yet feel you would be alright if it ended suddenly? Should you say yes to these questions, then this affair was more than likely an innocent affair. (Not innocent in the sense it was pure and just and morally acceptable, simply in that there existed no intentional desire to inflict harm on your spouse or anyone else for the sake of your pleasure.)

According to relationship and marital infidelity expert Mira Kirshenbaum, overwhelming feelings of guilt mislead cheating men and women to give more credence to their affairs than is necessary. Handling an indulgence affair is a simple feat: write it off as just that- an illicit indulgence that has no real meaning attributed to it. It was something you needed at the moment, for whatever reason, and move past it. If you feel pressed to investigate your infidelity, take a moment to reflect on why you were unfulfilled in your primary relationship, and take the time to restore that missing element to your marriage.

Although you have cheated on your husband or wife, and feel entitled to have done so, you may still feel burdened with confusing, tumultuous emotions on how to heal from your infidelity and move on. Mira Kirshenbaum’s book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships , provides expert advice that teaches you to manage your confusing feelings and move past your infidelity, whether you fix your marriage/relationship or decide to divorce/breakup.

Chemistry for 30 Years, I Waited and He Still Didn't Commit

admin — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:19:52 +0000

30 Years of Emotional Infidelity – And He Broke My Heart

I am in healing state. Things will get better. However, I would so appreciate some light on how and why a man would do this. Here is my story….I knew this man for 28 years. I watched him make a poor choice in marriage. There was always some chemistry between us. He is my first born daughter’s god father. There were times during our marriages when we met and enjoyed being with each other. We did not have sex.Four years ago my marriage ended. At approximately the same time, unknown to me, his marriage broke and they bought properties in different states and pretended that he would retire eventually and be with her.

A year after this, he made contact with me and from that moment we were together. He stood by me throughout the lengthy court case.

He bowled in a club, and never invited me there are his wife was known there and things had not been finished. I did not know but he had a mixed bowling partner whom he also entertained as more than a friend. I did not know this. She did not know about me. He kept the worlds apart. I sensed some oddities because I would not see him for whole weekends. He never asked me about what I had been up to. He always had to get away to bowls. He kept his phone close.

He came clean seven months ago and broke up with me. We drifted back together four months ago under the heading that he was only with me, he was seeking divorce and his properties were to be sold. He was broke and living with me was what he wanted. My kids were to be his family. I met his work peers. He told them he was going to marry me. His wife now knew he was seeing me, I had proof of this.

He stayed very close for a month, and I remained very alerted to any odd behaviour. He presented with it. He texted in the toilet. He had to leave when I expected he was staying. He was not home when he said he was going home. He had out of the blue invites which he could not refuse and I could not join him because the people came from the club. He began with mixing with mates/blokes from the club. He drank excessively.

I found out who I believed the other woman to be.

I visited the other woman and all was revealed. She was very much the same personality as me, ten years older and not only his mixed bowling partner, his golf partner and lived very close to him. He had been seeing her and me at the same time for three years. She is rich.

She finished it with him and so did I. He apologies for not being able to choose.

Anything you can put forward as to why a human being behaves in this way may help me.

Regards,

Miss Parker

Miss Parker,

Short answer: He’s a jackass loser, a user and an emotional abuser. He has never held respect for your or anyone else’s feelings, despite how he acted. His main priority was and will always be himself; the affairs were tools to supply his selfish needs. And he was able to do this because he wanted to and you let him.

The more detailed continuation: This guy’s been entangled in a heap of affairs all along. Yes, he was married to his wife, and you two did not have sexual or physical contact, but emotional intimacy is a core tenet of infidelity. The intimacy he shared with you was also spread out between his wife and the other women you happen to know about. And there’s no guarantee that he didn’t have sex with them either. I’m sure he was having sex with someone, even if it wasn’t you.

A man like this will always have someone “waiting in the wings”. I’m going to compare his treatment of women to that of a coach and his sports team. He’ll always maintain special relationships with his “star players,” most especially the MVP (the wife). The other members of the team range from benchwarmers (backups) to those next in line to be “up at bat.” But in order for the game to be played, he, as coach of the team, knows he needs more than one player to win. Therefore, he keeps you all in a steady rotation and pulls you in to play as he sees fit.

Initially, I wanted to say that I was sorry that you were a victim of his emotional games, but you were a willing participant. You are as much at fault as this man is. First, you carried on an emotional affair with him for several years. It may not seem detrimental to you since sex wasn’t involved, but looking back, there were roots of romantic intimacy there that shouldn’t have been – otherwise you would have never been “more than friends” after your marriages ended.

Second, I don’t know how old you all are, but at whatever age he is, he has no business trying to move into your home… and YOU have no business allowing him to do so. You both have been doing this dance for close to 30 years, and you’ve let “chemistry” tell you that he’s making poor choices with other women.

Truth be told, you’ve made poor choices for your emotional well-being for decades and you’re moving in the right direction by dropping him. If he wanted you, he’d be with you and none of these funny things he’s done would have been an issue. You would have never watched him marry another woman; you would have been his wife.

As for him, it’s balderdash to believe he’s “so sorry” he cannot choose between you and this other older, richer woman. He’s not sorry for anything except that he’s been caught. She’s another player on his team and financially loaded, which would benefit him for many reasons. This man is a leech, emotionally, sexually and financially, and will continue the next thirty years of his life as he’s spent the last thirty – building false relationships with women for personal gain and leaving a trail of tears in his wake.

The best thing you can do right now, is to continue doing what you’re doing. Ignore his attempts to communicate with you, make moves to strengthen yourself as a woman and take this as a hard lesson learned that being a willing participant in someone’s infidelity, even if it’s just emotional, is simply a recipe to reap what you’ve sown.

All the best,

Elle P.

Families that Teach Children Infidelity

admin — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:33:39 +0000

High-Risk Factors for People Who Have Affairs

When it comes to affairs, many people don’t realize that there was usually a perfect storm brewing prior to the onset of the affair. Family environments and personal history are highly important factors which can ultimately influence an individual to cheat in his or her marriage/relationship. Let’s explore the dynamics of these influences and understand how you or your spouse can become vulnerable to infidelity.

Pronounced History of Infidelity within the Family

Though infidelity within the family is not a topic of conversation discussed among members, modeling is one of the most powerful forms of behavior known to man. Research has shown that infidelity appears to run down family trees and can occur in every generation if the behavior is observed and imitated.

Even if children are unaware of their family history, the tension, pain and hostility between parents can become a familiar feeling that makes them susceptible to seeking the same things in their own relationships. This can ultimately end up with the adult children living out relationships that magnify this vulnerability within their exclusive relationship or in an extramarital affair.

Single Parent or Blended Families

A family that is missing it’s original nucleus experiences difficulty filling the void that the missing parent leaves behind. Even in the best cases of having a great blended family with step-parents and stepchildren, it can take years before the nurturing and bonding needed from the right figures can be effective. People who grow up in these situations arent aware of what they’re missing and can unconsciously create experiences where they’re trying to fill that unseen void.

Abusive Families and Troubled Homes

Sex and sexuality are very comforting and soothing to men. It’s believed that men who come from angry homes see sex as a reassurant that everything is okay; that they’re okay as a person, that things will be okay in life. Men who subconsciously use sex to reassure themselves develop a compulsive habit of using it as a form of medication.

Biochemically speaking, people report the highest levels of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, after sex with their signficant other. In times of distress and need, most men feel a need or desire to make love to their wives after stress or conflict. Even if nothing has improved, most men will feel everything is okay or better after sex with someone they love and care about. Have you ever felt annoyed that your husband felt sex was the answer to every difficulty or problem in your marriage?

3 Personal Influences Indicating Someone May Cheat

admin — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:27:57 +0000

3 PERSONAL INFLUENCES THAT INCREASE POTENTIAL FOR INFIDELITY

Even with the intense familial factors which can directly influence a person’s potential to be unfaithful, there is still room for personal history and influences to make an impact.

Sexual Molestation and Abuse

Promiscuous behavior following sexual molestation and abuse usually are an attempt to work through the painful experience and shame of the events which occurred. For an abused individual, shame and sensations of pleasure regarding abusive sexual experiences create ambivalence. As a result, they may think sex is bad, and can leave them feeling emotionally unsatisfied during the act. Others can seek out a “bad” person to have sex with (in most cases, someone other than the “good spouse”) and involve themselves in affairs.

Adolescent Promiscuity

Promiscuous sexual behavior in adolescent years is heightened by the feelings of excitement and spontaneity, making those experiences idealized and wonderful. The simple and pleasant sensation seeking experiences in these years are what we most want to experience and long for once we’re older and life is more complicated than we’d like it to be.

Learning Disabilities

High-risk individuals with histories of developmental disability or other shortcomings, like ADHD, for example, have also shown heightened risk of infidelity. Nobody never seems to feel they are good enough and someone always seems to be yealling at them. Life’s difficulties seem to make them especially vulnerable, and therefore cause them to seek out nurturing experiences, even when they pretend they don’t care. They are especially vulnerable to affairs when there’s trouble at home and there are members of the opposite sex who seem to pay special attention to, listen to and support them

How Do Babies and Death Create Infidelity?

admin — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:22:17 +0000

Does Your Risky History Put You At Risk for A Sexual Affair?

Family situations and personal challenges are unbelievably influential in whether or not someone is going to cheat, but what about personal risk? Does depression incease the possibility of your husband cheating? What if he loses his job, or someone close to him dies?

According to Christian relationship expert Dave Carders, situational factors definitely influence a person’s potential to cheat on their significant other. “Often there are situational factors that weigh heavily into the initiation of [infidelity],” he writes in his bestselling book Close Calls. “Two of these areas are high-risk times and high-risk behaviors.”

High-Risk Times

High-risk times refer to great times of stress and change in relationships. Many times, these times are life-altering and require major adjustment on one’s part in order to fully absorb the changes that are made to their routines.

Death or Loss

Death of a loved one is a common high-risk time for people. Research has indicated that spouses and couples actually experience an increase in their sex life following the death of a loved one.

Many times, both parties in the marriage or relationship will experience difficulty connecting because they’re both in mourning during this period. They may preserve their energy in order to work through the day instead of expending effort in consoling one another.

As we’ve discussed before, men have a real pattern of using sex to comfort themselves. If they’re not getting emotional support and care from their wives at home, there’s potential for them to seek outside refuge in the arms of another woman, as having sex will still release oxytocin, which comforts them and makes them feel less “alone” in times of need.

Pregnancy

There are several reasons why pregnancy carries an increased risk of infidelity in men. First and foremost, a man is adjusting to the fact that the relationship isn’t all about him anymore; he now has to share the spotlight with another person, his own child. Second, he has to spend an extra amount of time catering to the woman carrying his child for the approximately 9 weeks or so that she’s carrying the child.

To add to this, women usually go through a lot during their pregnancies. Hormones shift and change, and women can become emotionally unstable, sensitive and possess lower libidos, resulting in a lack off sexual desire. In turn, the changes which take place in the female’s body, such as weight gain, make her less visually appealing to her husband, and therefore divert his sexual desire away from her.

Once the baby comes, pressures of being a new parent add strain to the relationship. Many women experience post-partum depression, while others become completely consumed with thebaby and lose desire to connect with their partners. Resentment, stress and the need to “get away from it all” can cause an otherwise great man to cheat – all because he wants attention that he feels is no longer readily available to him.

Relationship expert and author Dave Carder discusses stressful life changes which further influence infidelity in his groundbreaking book, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. Click for unbiased reviews on Amazon.

Top 3 Myths About Cheating Lovers

admin — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 07:43:42 +0000

Myths about Cheating

There are many myths floating around the rumor mill about the facts surrounding a creeping partner. Some people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But is this clichéd sentiment really true? Let’s reveal some truth and kill a few myths about cheating.

Myth: People cheat because there’s something wrong in the relationship.

Truth: Despite sexist generalizations, people cheat for different reasons.

One prevalent myth is that people only cheat when they are unhappy at home. This is not entirely false, but is not always true either. Women are typically said to cheat because of dissatisfaction, while men are more often said to cheat out of curiosity, or boredom.

While there are plenty of men and women who fit into these thoughts and roles, the truth is most people cheat for varying reasons. A man can cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction and a woman can cheat for sexual variety.

Myth: Men cheat more than women do.

Truth: Women are just as likely to cheat as men are.

Another popular falsehood about cheating is that men cheat more often than women do. Truthfully speaking, women have become more independent and it has changed the way they view getting a little sugar on the side. Some women even think they deserve to have more freedom because of the high stress levels that come with combining work and family life. Others just feel, post-Sexual Revolution, that it’s their prerogative to be sexually forward with their desires and to chase them at any costs, just as men do.

Myth: Affairs are all about the sex.

Truth: Most reasons for cheating contain an element of emotional dissatisfaction- for both sexes.

Have you ever heard that affairs were purely and physical thing, and all about sex? This isn’t true either. Often times, affairs are means of emotional compensation. Some relationships, without sex are often so emotionally intimate that they are equally as inappropriate as physical trysts.

Now that we’ve gone through one of the myths, remember that there are ways you can work to reduce the likelihood of infidelity in your relationship. Maintaining a completely honest relationship will help reduce miscommunications and hurt feelings. Take time, on a regular basis, to show your partner that you appreciate them.

On a final note, if you have been feeling vulnerable or upset, or have been considering an affair, do not drink when you are in possibly tempting situations. This will help keep you from doing anything regrettable.

Forgive His Cheating because of Depression?

admin — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:04:00 +0000

Should I Forgive Cheating Boyfriend? He Cheated on Me Because He Was Depressed

Hi there,

I was hoping for some advice. I have been seeing my boyfriend for just over six months and our relationship was wonderful, until he lost his job. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at first. But then he started asking for very specific things in the bedroom, and asking me to dye my hair, all of which was very odd.

He finally got a job about 3 weeks ago, and the week he started, he began shutting me out. We also stopped having sex because it became awkward. I would initiate it and he wouldn’t want to or he would instruct me. It felt like nothing I did was good enough for him. Then he stopped initiating sex and said he loved me but wasn’t sure if he fancied me anymore.

I discovered two days after the last time we had sex, he contacted another woman off a dating website and had a sexual affair. He was seeing me in between and being very loving, but no sex with me. I found out last Friday because when he dumped her, she contacted me and told me everything.

I was devastated because I felt it was so out of character for him. I spent the weekend making sure he fully understands how much he has hurt me and what he’s lost. I told him not to contact me again but I am convinced that he now gets it. He’s very confused but still really misses me and wants to be back with me having realized (finally) the massive error he has made. He has emailed a couple of times and I really miss him.

My question is whether you think it would be possible in time for me to forgive him and start again? I believe he acted this way because he was depressed and had low self-esteem because when we met he was a very happy and confident person and looking back this ebbed away during the time he was unemployed. Is it possible that depression impaired his judgment, and is that enough for me to excuse, or at least move on from his behaviour eventually? I am so confused and I am going to arrange to have counseling to work through the effect it has had on me. Thanks for any advice. Debbie x

Hi Debbie!

It seems as if you dumped your boyfriend as a form of punishment, and not because you were ready to move on. With that being said, it’s important that you take the time to reflect upon whether or not you truly want to be in a relationship with him, or you simply miss him. While 6 months is not a long time to be with someone in the grand scheme of things, it is a long enough period of time to build some sense of attachment to him, especially if you guys lived together during this period. So there’s a chance you really do miss him and long for the relationship to work, but there’s also a strong possibility that you’re simply attached to him and scared to move on.

We can’t tell you not to take him back; the choice is yours in the end. But there will have to be a lot of work done, perhaps on both his and your part, in order for this to work. Our advice varies based on your ultimate choice. Read our tips for the best ways to deal with a cheating boyfriend or survive infidelity – especially since this is so fresh.

If you take him back, put him on a probationary period. When we start a new job, employers give us 30 days to a full year to prove ourselves worthy and effective to their business. Likewise, if we’ve been on a job for a period of time but violate the workplace rules, we may be given a verbal warning and a probationary period to clean up our act before we’re canned.

The truth is, while no time in a relationship can ever be “wasted,” you can use his bad boy behavior to strengthen yourself as a woman, so that he (or any other guy you may date) knows what your boundaries are. Don’t be afraid to tell him if he wants to stay with you, he’ll have to rectify his behavior. There are so many reasons men cheat, and drastic changes of life are a big motivator. His lack of employment would have been a big motivator except for the fact that he cheated when he started a new job. Therefore, that’s not an excuse.

He also stated that he did not “know if he fancied” you anymore. That, coupled with the fact that he tried to change you, sexually and in appearance, reflects something going on within him. He’s the one who needed change, not you. But instead of being able to see the need for himself to change, he chose to project it onto you – something we’re sure didn’t feel like love (and we hope you didn’t comply!).

Let him know he has 3-6 months to get his act together. Tell him what you want to see change. Do you want him to stop making you feel insecure about your appearance and sexual prowess? Let him know. Would you appreciate more quality time? Let him know. Also advise him it would be in his best interest to be upfront and honest, so that you can believe he’s ready to have an open and loving relationship. If he cannot or does not provide this in the 6 month time period, let him know it’s been fun and show him the door.

If you choose to stay single, breathe a sigh of relief and keep walking. There’s no excuse for someone to cheat on you, especially when you’re as supportive and open as you can be. 99% of the time infidelity has to do with the cheater and not the person he cheated on – whether he cheated on you, he cheated on me, or he cheated on her. Either way, kudos to you for counseling- whether you stay or not, counseling can help you fix the negative cycles you endure in your relationship and make you a better person!

Psychology of Infidelity 101: Sexual Affairs & Infidelities | sexual affair, sexual infidelity

admin — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:54:29 +0000

What is Sexual Infidelity? How Bad Is It?

Sexual affairs are the most commonly recognized affairs. In his book, You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life, Paul Coleman, PsyD, suggests that while purely sexual affairs can be truly “gut wrenching,” they’re usually less complicated to deal with in comparison to emotional affairs or sexual-emotional affairs. Though popular thought states that men are more likely to engage in sexual affairs, it’s a misconception. Women are just as capable of having sexual affairs like men.

Why do Sexual Affairs Happen?

Whether a one night stand or a long term affair, sexual affairs are usually borne from a desire for sexual gratification, but can occur for several reasons. Some who are caught cheating state that they had a “moment of weakness,” which may include being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. An engaged man may sleep with his ex-girlfriend just to make sure “he still doesn’t have feelings for her” while preparing to marry his current fiancée. Sometimes, the chemistry is there, and a woman may figure it’s safe to have a secret fling “just one time” to see how good it would be.

The reasons continue. An otherwise-faithful spouse experiences the “seven year itch” when sex at home become stales and predictive. A newlywed couple might feel the novelty of their relationship has worn off within the first year of marriage, and both stray because they feel “stuck.” A common strain on marriages, the birth of the first baby, can also spur infidelity. Couples have been known to experience distance from one another as the family dynamic shifts. Witnessing his wife give birth can create a loss of the husband’s sexual attraction to his wife. Or the still amorous husband may feel closer and more aroused by his wife, but find that she’s no longer interested in sex. To meet his needs, he discreetly fulfills them elsewhere.

Despite cheating on you (possibly without a condom), your cheating boyfriend will plead with you tooth-and-nail for forgiveness, trying to convince you that you’re the one for him. “She meant nothing to me. I never loved her,” he’ll say. “She was just sex. It was just sex. You’re the one I want. I love you more than anything and you mean the world to me.” Unfortunately, these words don’t assuage the searing pain of discovery once you learn all he’s done to conceal the affair from your knowledge. Those actions drove an invisible wedge into your relationship’s intimacy long before you even knew the truth, erasing your trust in him.

What about Cybersex and Pornography? Isn’t that a Type of Sexual Affair as Well?

While sexual affairs can also include online infidelity, cybersex, phone sex and use of pornography, for now we’ll say that sexual involvement with anyone other than the committed spouse of beau can be considered sexual infidelity, especially if preventative measures are taken by the cheater to keep their activities a secret.

What Are Signs of Sexual Affairs?

New use of prescription or over the counter sexual aids, such as Viagra.New, unexplained use of birth control or condoms.
Discovery or loss of clothing, such as another woman’s clothes in his glove compartment, or his favorite T-shirt missing in the laundry.
Unexplained hiding of clothes or sudden interest in doing the laundry
Mysterious stains or scents on clothing and underwear (lipstick on his collar, vaginal scent on his underwear.)
Unaccounted time and disappearing acts. For example, going to the store for a simple item yet taking over an hour to come back.
A sudden change in sex drive where your lover’s normal sex drive increases or decreases beyond the norm.
Sudden changes in sexual behavior. New interests in different sexual experiments.
Unexpectedly renewed interest in physical appearance. Example: a slightly overweight or unfit woman may take up diet and exercise, and get a makeover.
Excessive showering, especially as soon as they get home.
Partner is not as accessible during certain times of the day, such as when they are supposed to be at work.
Working extra hours – but you never see the extra money.
Random change of character, specifically making the person more introverted, quiet and private.
Intuition – that “gut feeling” that something is wrong. You don’t know how, but you know.
Not being able to maintain/sustain and erection. Trouble ejaculating.
Being “too tired” to have sex with you.
Accusing you of cheating.

Can Sexual Infidelity Be Forgiven? Should I Take Him Back?

Any infidelity can be forgiven. Forgiveness is for the forgiver not the forgived, and is essential for surviving infidelity.

Whether or not you should take a cheater back depends on whether or not you feel you’ll be able to trust your cheating husband/wife again, among other things. You will need to know whether or not the events were a part of a bigger problem within the relationship, or simply a part of his potentially philandering character. Was this one night stand the first and only time they’ve cheated, or have you had nagging suspicions and this is the first time you’ve caught them? Is your husband usually reliable, waiting patiently for that “headache” or “lockjaw” of yours to go away, and then gave up in a moment of weakness after a long sexual drought? Does your wife or girlfriend feel entitled to have someone else finish the job you started if you aren’t able to? Does your partner feel entitled to seeking sexual satisfaction at any cost, without regard to your feelings?

It’s safe to say that, in the grand scheme of things, one of the biggest indicators of whether or not a relationship can be saved depends on the cheater’s attempt at damage control. A truly remorseful cheater will not only beg for forgiveness, they will be open to almost anything that you require to show that they are sorry for the pain they’ve caused. Whether that means a loss of freedoms, long counseling sessions or buying you a new car (it’s happened), a person who truly cares will put their ego to the side. On the other hand, someone who feels justified in their behavior will be more likely to deflect blame, or deny being completely guilty. They might be quite comfortable with the bed they’ve made, whether you stay or go. Should you stay, more than likely, they will feel you’re accepting of their behavior, and things will not change.

These thoughts also don’t take into account extra factors, such as children, lifestyle, religious beliefs, moral values, etc. Therefore, at the end of the day, you must analyze your relationship to see what will work best for you.

FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: Due to the nature of sexual affairs, it will also be best to immediately get tested for any and all STDs, including AIDS. Your partner may or may not have had protection, putting you at risk. Get tested regularly and immediately resume use of condoms, birth control and other sexual protection if you decide to sleep with this person again.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider adding Dr. Coleman’s book,You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life to your personal library.

4 Reasons Why Men Cheat and You’re Not the One to Blame!

admin — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 01:30:15 +0000

Why Some Men Cheat & It’s Not Your Fault

Understanding why men cheat shouldn't keep you awake at night

Why do men cheat? Is it all about sex? Is it the woman, wife or girlfriend? Doesn’t she know how to satisfy him? Are they lacking an emotional connection?

The answer is, not really, but it does depend. Most sexual infidelity, despite the fact that they’re loaded with romanticism, eroticism and intense, passionate emotions, isn’t about sex. Oftentimes, troubled relationships have unresolved, underlying conflicts within them which ultimately manifest sexual affairs and other betrayals. Specific conflicts vary from couple to couple, but include several types of disagreements such as lack of respect mutual respect between husband and wife, less attention paid to each other’s needs, a cheating husband that feels emasculated by his wife, a cheated-on wife who has let herself go physically, or gaping emotional distance.

However, there’s also an aspect of sexual or emotional infidelity that isn’t much discussed: the internally-driven reasons individuals have for seeking romance or other extramarital connections outside their primary relationship. More or less, it’s quite possible that the reason your husband cheats or has cheated has quite little to do with you, and everything to do with his personal attitude and state of mind.

In her book, Sexual Detours: The Startling Truth Behind Love, Lust, and Infidelity, Dr. Holly Hein lists several reasons for sexual infidelity or emotional affairs which explore self-motivated reasons as to why your or my husband or spouse cheated. Surprisingly, none of Hein’s reasons why men and women cheat on spouses have anything to do with something the betrayed party may have done. According to Dr. Hein, a person may cheat:

To escape life and related anxieties. Emotions aroused from infidelity can function as an effective detour against internal conflicts from unresolved life situations and profound events. For example, a man that highly values being the primary breadwinner may have an affair after he loses his job due to the traumatic feelings of no longer being the breadwinner. He feels emasculated, and thus resorts to a sexual partner who makes him feel alive and helps him avoid the emotional conflict he experiences.

To avoid intimacy. Sexual behavior can be used as an excuse or substitute for intimacy by those who fear control, engulfment, abandonment and loss. For some, it can adequately fill the gap of emotional distance in an unfulfilled relationship.

To boost self-esteem and feelings of power. Infidelity allows a wayward partner to sexually assert themselves in an effort to reconstruct deeply assaulted self esteem with a “new partner” that finds them sexually desirable. As it pertains to power, hostility toward the opposite sex can be used to control and manipulate others by rendering the other sex powerless, making them more powerful by default.

To sustain a relationship. Infidelity is seen as a way to maintain status quo and avoid dealing with conflicts that would require change in the relational environment. When one or both partners’ needs are compartmentalized from the relationship, their sexual or emotional affairs allow them to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Not a Complete List Why Men Cheat

This list is not comprehensive, of course; there are myriad reasons we can discuss in terms of what drives and motivates sexual affairs and infidelities. However, for now, let’s just remember that most of the time, other people’s issues are a reflection of them, not us. It’s not our job to beat ourselves up about how someone handles their discontent, either with us or with life, when things seem out of control. It’s really our job to love and support our loved ones, while recognizing their issues, and giving them an opportunity for self-growth and change – even if that change comes at the expense of our relationship with them.

Our mini-series on the Psychology of Infidelity goes into cheating and affairs into more detail. Click here to discover more reasons why men cheat.

He Cheated on Me - Now What?! » reasons people cheat

The "Do I Still Have It?" Affair

Sexual Affairs and His Midlife Crisis

Loss of Confidence in Men and Cheating

Cheating Husband Seeks to Validate Himself

Affair Repair for Marital Infidelity

Related Reading:

Cheating Because I Deserved To: Recovering From Marital Affairs

Indulgent Infidelity: I Deserved to Cheat

Related Reading:

Chemistry for 30 Years, I Waited and He Still Didn't Commit

30 Years of Emotional Infidelity – And He Broke My Heart

Related Reading:

Families that Teach Children Infidelity

High-Risk Factors for People Who Have Affairs

Related Reading:

3 Personal Influences Indicating Someone May Cheat

3 PERSONAL INFLUENCES THAT INCREASE POTENTIAL FOR INFIDELITY

Related Reading:

How Do Babies and Death Create Infidelity?

Does Your Risky History Put You At Risk for A Sexual Affair?

Related Reading:

Top 3 Myths About Cheating Lovers

Myths about Cheating

Myth: People cheat because there’s something wrong in the relationship.

Truth: Despite sexist generalizations, people cheat for different reasons.

Myth: Men cheat more than women do.

Truth: Women are just as likely to cheat as men are.

Myth: Affairs are all about the sex.

Truth: Most reasons for cheating contain an element of emotional dissatisfaction- for both sexes.

Related Reading:

Forgive His Cheating because of Depression?

Should I Forgive Cheating Boyfriend? He Cheated on Me Because He Was Depressed

Related Reading:

Psychology of Infidelity 101: Sexual Affairs & Infidelities | sexual affair, sexual infidelity

What is Sexual Infidelity? How Bad Is It?

Why do Sexual Affairs Happen?

What about Cybersex and Pornography? Isn’t that a Type of Sexual Affair as Well?

What Are Signs of Sexual Affairs?

Can Sexual Infidelity Be Forgiven? Should I Take Him Back?

Related Reading:

4 Reasons Why Men Cheat and You’re Not the One to Blame!

Why Some Men Cheat & It’s Not Your Fault

Why do men cheat? Is it all about sex? Is it the woman, wife or girlfriend? Doesn’t she know how to satisfy him? Are they lacking an emotional connection?

Not a Complete List Why Men Cheat

10 Most Dangerous Mistakes Women Make With Men — Don’t Dare Do These!

Related Reading: