Love & Romance With Other People –  Oh and You Too

It may come as a shock to you if your husband suddenly comes home from work one day and tells you that he wants to see other people. Your mind will probably instantly jump to the idea that your relationship is over. However, “I want to see other people” some times means “I want to see other people, and still be married to you”. This type of practice in a relationship is known as  “Open Relationship”.

An open relationship in a marriage requires complete honesty from both partners, as a heavy amount of emotions can quickly become intertwined in your new lifestyle. By definition, this type of arrangement keeps a standing relationship in place, while allowing both partners to date or “hook up” with people outside of the relationship. Yes, this includes sex, and to an extent, some emotional bonding.

One myth about open relationships is that if your husband is interested in pursuing one, he no longer finds you attractive or interesting.  This is not necessarily the case. In fact, it is not even usually the case. Often times, a man is interested in pursuing an open relationship because he is insecure in himself and needs to feel more attractive or desirable. Other times a man may have a sexual desire for variety that he feels is unquenched by the routine of monogamy. He may not want to cheat on you, so he decides to be upfront.

 If you are not comfortable with or interested in the idea of an open relationship, let your husband know. You do not have to agree to something you don’t want to just because he says that he’s unhappy. It does not mean you should completely ignore his sentiment either. If you two really love each other and want to work things out, seek some guidance from a counselor or a couple’s therapist. They will be able to help each of you see the other person’s point of view, and hopefully, you will come to a happy, common ground.

Related Reading:

Can We Dance?: Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship (Both Eyes Open Relationship Books)

The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual Sex

Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines For Responsible Open Relationships

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

Love Unlimited: The Joys and Challenges of Open Relationships

Husband Craves Sexual Variety and Sex with Other Women

So, your marriage has been a little lackluster in the bedroom. You blame it on falling into a rut and in an attempt to spice things up, you discover the real truth: it’s not you per se, but your husband wants to sleep with other women and you’re asking “What happened? Is this normal?”

“Don’t all men want to sleep with other women?” is most likely the response some people would have. According to general argument, men can find it hard to be faithful, and they blame this on genetics, social training and other theories. Truthfully speaking, when asked most men do respond that some of their most erotic and self-indulgent fantasies involve other women. Yet, even in the face of this truth, most men aren’t willing to risk acting out the fantasy for many reasons.

Now if your devoted husband requests your explicit permission to explore these other women as options, and you are truly okay with this, then setting boundaries will be a required step in this process.

 Before we go further, we must impress upon you that it is a must that you feel completely fine with the idea that your man’s penis will be thrashing in another woman’s valley of love. Can you handle the idea that your husband and another woman are going to be passionately kissing, touching, rubbing and enjoying various forms of intercourse? If you are in fact okay with the idea of an open relationship, you need to ask yourself some questions before you agree, and make sure you ask the same questions of your partner, so there are no blurry lines about what is okay and what isn’t.

 Sit down with your husband and discuss where the acceptable boundaries for your extramarital relationships will lie. If you don’t like the idea of him giving a woman oral sex, then be very vocal and specific about this, and explain your position. Let him know which acts are completely off limits with another woman, and be very clear about what the consequences are for disrespect of these boundaries. Always enforce upon your husband the need to wear sexual protection. He must provide and monitor his own condom use, and make sure that they are disposed of and maintained carefully, so as not to bring a child or sexually transmitted diseases into the equation.

To ensure that the situation will be fair, and not just a way for him to feel better about cheating while you wait at home, find out if he already has chosen a girl. If so, ask where he knows her from and how long he has been considering having a sexual relationship with her. find out a little bit more about her, and see if he’s been with her before. In other words, find out if he’s been cheating and this is his way of coming clean. If he doesn’t have anyone in mind, you can probably breathe a little easier, knowing that he is probably just curious.

 Make sure that you set ground rules with your husband. They can be about any of the details that you think are important, but some good areas to cover are how many partners, and whether or not you will meet the new woman, and he your new man.  Also ask if he will be telling other people outside of the relationship about its new status, and how comfortable you are with the idea of other people knowing.

Remember to make the negotiation fair. While you may not want to have sex with another man as of yet, you don’t need to give your husband an unfair advantage with this situation. Since he’s assuming you’re cool with it, he may not realize that you *may* feel entitled to getting yours on the side as well. Even if this isn’t the case, ask him what his terms are when it comes to you sleeping with another man. Sometimes, all you have to do is suggest that you’ll be open for an extramarital tryst, and he’ll come down to reality. If he decides on even terms, just remember that you now have that permission as well.

One of the most important facets of making this work is to trust each other, and for you to find out why he wants to try someone else.  A desire for sexual variety in sex style – such as a new position or a new type of sex (anal, threesome, etc.) – or in partner might be behind his actions. Or maybe he wants to do things you are adamant that you won’t do (swallowing). It’s possible that he could tell you what he’s craving, you could adopt that practice, and keep him from thinkign of roaming away again.

Related Reading:

The Shadow Dance & the Astrological 7th House Workbook ((Marriage, Partnership and Open Enemies; i.e., the Shadow in us all))

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

Open Hearts: Renewing Relationships with Recovery, Romance & Reality

Can We Dance?: Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship (Both Eyes Open Relationship Books)

Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage

“Cheating Boyfriend Claims an Open Relationship” 

You catch your boyfriend cheating, and you’re terribly pissed. After mulling it over, you make the decision to let him know you’re aware that he’s been double-dipping his chicken nugget back and forth between your savory barbecue and her acrid sweet n’ sour sauces. But to your amazement, confronting your man takes a meaty, tangy twist of its own. Instead of apologizing, or denying his sexual infidelity, your man states that he figured you two had an “open” relationship, in a casual, hand-in-his-jean-pockets-as-he-shrugs kind of matter.

Open Relationship? Sexual Affair? Who’s Right?

So is your cheating boyfriend a swinger? Are you guys in an open relationship? Well, these answers all depend on a few things. First, let’s clarify some facts about open relationships as well as sexual infidelity.

Sexual Affairs & Open Relationships Have Nothing in Common

Open Relationships and sexual infidelity have nothing in common. An open relationship might imply that your beau never agreed to be sexually monogamous with you, but these things should have been clearly spelled out when the both of you have agreed to pursue a relationship.

 Sexual infidelity is in no way, shape, or form comparable to open relationships; it’s quite the opposite. Sexual infidelity relies upon dishonesty and deception, mainly in a deliberate and continuous sense. Sexual affairs work to the contrary of open relationships; cheating contains a deceptive character to it which thrives best on deliberately betraying pre-established boundaries and expectations on how the relationship will operate. Cheating men cheat. Polyamorous men have many lovers and build healthy rules with how they operate.

Open relationships, as previously explained, are cultivated with communication, acceptance, respect and honesty. You just cannot be in an open relationship where only one of you knows what’s going on. Open relationships have rules and regulations, boundaries and agreements just as a “traditional” relationship does.

Relationships without Boundaries Leave Room for Mistakes, Confusion

So, prior to this revelation, did you both clearly establish that you two were a couple? Did you both agree to have a faithful, emotionally or sexually monogamous relationship? Or did you just as easily assume you guys were monogamous as easily as he assumed you guys weren’t?

If you determine that your partner has truly never formalized your relationship as a committed, monogamous one, then you’ll have to eat this situation, and re-evaluate what’s really good with your relationship. Perhaps you’re not interested in a love triangle… or square… or hexagon (man, I can go on!)… and if this is the case, maybe it’s time to get over your new ex-boyfriend and find new love with someone who wants to make you his wife one day.

Now if you know, simply just know, that you guys were supposed to be sexually and emotional faithful, and seriously feel this explanation is a load of *expletive*, then by all means, do what you have to do and tell him to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. There’s no reason to try and work through an issue like this if he’s blatantly dishonest, even while you’re open to consideration. It doesn’t matter whether or not you would have had an open relationship with him; the truth of the matter is he is lying to avoid taking responsibility for his dishonorable actions.

…Considering the Open Relationship?

You might be disappointed about your cheating boyfriend’s sexual affairs, but then become somewhat fascinated by the idea of doubling or tripling your suitor ratio from 1:1 to 3:1. If so, this is your right. However, keep in mind that while open relationships work with a different foundation than traditional, one-man-dates-one-woman, courtships, there are still rules to follow. Yes, the rules may be a little more fluid and flexible in general, but overall, there may still be guidelines regarding emotional and sexual boundaries in these relationships.

So, What Are You Thinking?

He’s a damn trip! I need a real man! How can I avoid these jerks!?

Two boyfriends, you say? Hmmm… I’m curious. Tell me more!

I’d love to be the Ultimate Man Magnet … and transform my love life!

Related Reading:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

Open Hearts: Renewing Relationships with Recovery, Romance & Reality

Can We Dance?: Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship (Both Eyes Open Relationship Books)

Relationships: An Open and Honest Guide to Making Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great

The Shadow Dance & the Astrological 7th House Workbook ((Marriage, Partnership and Open Enemies; i.e., the Shadow in us all))