Boyfriend is a Bartender. He Cheated Once, Can I Trust Him Again?

Is her man serving up more than drinks?

  

2 Years Later, I Still Don’t Trust Him

 

Concerned and Confused: 

We certainly agree that you’re concerned, but drop the “confused”. You’ve been with him for two years and found out about his infidelity three months into dating him. If you weren’t interested in staying with him, it wouldn’t have taken almost 21 months to figure things out. Suffice it to say, the time has come and gone for you to get over what happened in the beginning, especially if you want to move forward in partnered bliss with this man. Therefore, the question isn’t “how to get past” his cheating, but instead “How to re-establish trust in him.” 

You cannot accept his infidelity as a “slip”, because it wasn’t a one-time incident. Slips are moreso accidental f*ck-ups . A slip-up is when a man’s drunk and has a one night stand, or he has a no-strings-attached hookup after you guys argue. Additionally, slips are unplanned and usually come with lots of regret. (Not that this makes things acceptable.) What he had was a consistent series of trysts with another woman. He deliberately lied to you each and every time he was going to see her as well, making this anything but a “mistake.” If anything, the fact that he got caught acting a fool with this woman is the mistake. 

Since you took him back, we can assume that whatever he said and did to regain favor worked. Whether he begged for you to give him one more chance, or sent you roses everyday for a week, you decided to give him another opportunity to make things work in the relationship. It was at this point that you should have started the hard work required on your part to open yourself up to trusting him – and from what it sounds like, you haven’t, and are actually still stuck in the past, which isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship. If anything, your lack of trust and unwillingness to move forward is a black hole sucking the energy from your connection. 

You want to move past this? Here’s some tough love on how to do so: 

 1. Acknowledge What Happened. Stop trying to rationalize his sexual infidelity as a “slip”. Process it for what it was: a shameless affair with another woman that stopped once he realized that you weren’t having it. 

2. Accept the reality that this happened… and acknowledge that it’s hurt you. This doesn’t mean that you forget this happened, or use this opportunity to play the victim again. It means that you emotionally accept the reality of what your man did, and resolve to move forward maturely. 

3. Get over his job as it relates to you. Yes, he’s a bartender and may flirt a little as a part of his job, but that doesn’t mean he has to flirt or that he will cheat on you again. You tell us, aside from his job, he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, which is an indication that he’s doing what he needs to, leading to my last piece of advice… 

4. You Either Want Him Or You Don’t – Hurry Up and Decide. Again, 21 months … 2 years is a long time to be with someone you’re not sure about. He’s well-past what happened with the two of you, has made amends, and says he wants to spend his life with you, while in the meanwhile, you’re still trying to “get past” what happened. 

 Truthfully speakiing, if you want to get past what happened, you can and will- but only if you do the work and start to trust him again. If he’s not worth your trust by now, then it’s a clear sign that he never will be and neither of you will be happy together. With love, Elle P 

Discovering Other Woman in Husband’s Infidelity

The Other Woman In Our Cheating Men’s Sexual Affairs

 As women, when we are cheated on, we feel degraded and humiliated. We are shocked, and at times, even embarrassed or ashamed. Usually, we’re quite pissed as well. When you’re faced with such a highly volatile situation, it’s easy to simply see red and share your anger. Despite the fact that she owes us nothing, we usually end up blaming and unleashing our wrath on “The Other Woman.”

 

Discovering Your Man’s Other Woman  

 Who is the “other woman”? Well, basically speaking, she’s the woman getting the inappropriate attention from your partner, the woman whom he’s funneling energy outside of your relationship for.  Your husband’s attention toward her can be sexual, emotional, or a combination of both; it all depends on the nature and status of their relationship with each other.

 

The Other Woman is Not To Blame – It’s Your Cheater

 

We admit, it’s just too easy to become angry with this “bitch” as we see her, but the real problem doesn’t lie with her. It stems from your cheating husband or boyfriend. Oftentimes, your man’s side chick wasn’t made aware that he had you as his main lady, and once she finds out, she’s usually just as shocked and hurt by his deception as you are. It would help to remember this, as you don’t want to lash out at her when she’s in the same predicament that you are. (Now if she did know, but persisted to get with him anyway…)

 

When the Other Woman is Someone You Know

 

If you find out his mistress is your friend or family member, then take a breath. At this point, anger is understandable. You’ll definitely need to assess your relationship with her by itself, and separately from the conversations you will have with your cheating spouse or lover. Chances are, she never respected her friendship with you from the beginning, or she suffers from any number of peculiar issues. Confront her if you must, but don’t excuse her like you would a woman you never would. The relationship, whether friend or family, may never be the same regardless, as trust and deep bonds have been destroyed.

 

Dealing with Your Man Post-Infidelity

 

Moving on from infidelity usually isn’t easy. It takes time, patience and strength. Whether you stay with your husband or boyfriend, or choose to move on with another beau of choice, you’ll need to take time to emotionally accept and understand the infidelity. Perhaps you’ll want to discuss why your man felt the need to cheat and whether you could have helped prevent it, or you may just want to go out for coffee with the other woman and see what she did that you didn’t. Or you may realize that he was just going through things and used adultery as a method of dealing with it (however poor a choice that was). Either way, realize that you have a choice in how to maneuver from this situation now that everything’s on the table.

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