He Cheated on Me - Now What?! » infidelity conversations

How Do Babies and Death Create Infidelity?

admin — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:22:17 +0000

Does Your Risky History Put You At Risk for A Sexual Affair?

Family situations and personal challenges are unbelievably influential in whether or not someone is going to cheat, but what about personal risk? Does depression incease the possibility of your husband cheating? What if he loses his job, or someone close to him dies?

According to Christian relationship expert Dave Carders, situational factors definitely influence a person’s potential to cheat on their significant other. “Often there are situational factors that weigh heavily into the initiation of [infidelity],” he writes in his bestselling book Close Calls. “Two of these areas are high-risk times and high-risk behaviors.”

High-Risk Times

High-risk times refer to great times of stress and change in relationships. Many times, these times are life-altering and require major adjustment on one’s part in order to fully absorb the changes that are made to their routines.

Death or Loss

Death of a loved one is a common high-risk time for people. Research has indicated that spouses and couples actually experience an increase in their sex life following the death of a loved one.

Many times, both parties in the marriage or relationship will experience difficulty connecting because they’re both in mourning during this period. They may preserve their energy in order to work through the day instead of expending effort in consoling one another.

As we’ve discussed before, men have a real pattern of using sex to comfort themselves. If they’re not getting emotional support and care from their wives at home, there’s potential for them to seek outside refuge in the arms of another woman, as having sex will still release oxytocin, which comforts them and makes them feel less “alone” in times of need.

Pregnancy

There are several reasons why pregnancy carries an increased risk of infidelity in men. First and foremost, a man is adjusting to the fact that the relationship isn’t all about him anymore; he now has to share the spotlight with another person, his own child. Second, he has to spend an extra amount of time catering to the woman carrying his child for the approximately 9 weeks or so that she’s carrying the child.

To add to this, women usually go through a lot during their pregnancies. Hormones shift and change, and women can become emotionally unstable, sensitive and possess lower libidos, resulting in a lack off sexual desire. In turn, the changes which take place in the female’s body, such as weight gain, make her less visually appealing to her husband, and therefore divert his sexual desire away from her.

Once the baby comes, pressures of being a new parent add strain to the relationship. Many women experience post-partum depression, while others become completely consumed with thebaby and lose desire to connect with their partners. Resentment, stress and the need to “get away from it all” can cause an otherwise great man to cheat – all because he wants attention that he feels is no longer readily available to him.

Relationship expert and author Dave Carder discusses stressful life changes which further influence infidelity in his groundbreaking book, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. Click for unbiased reviews on Amazon.

How Can I Get My Wife to Trust Me Again?

admin — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 20:32:44 +0000

How to Gain Trust After Infidelity or Any Other Crisis Affects Your Relationship

Trust is an important part of your relationship. In the earliest stage of your relationship, you’re constantly on guard, looking for information to help you determine how trustworthy your partner is and whether or not you can take them seriously. As trust builds, so do feelings of security. But the second a major crisis hits your relationship, trust shatters completely.

Once shattered, it can take a long time for the trust be rebuilt; there are even times when you may never regain a person’s trust, especially if you’ve cheated. Therefore, if your partner is open to reconciling with you and letting you back into their life, consider yourself blessed, because this means they truly care. Unfortunately, you’ll also have to get ready to put in a lot of work in order to persuade them to trust you again.

Learning to trust or gain trust is a fragile, consistent process in which you’ll gradually realize the results, no matter how you’ve lost it in the first place. Although many people have different ways of trying to earn it, these four basic steps, in general, help restore or develop trust:

1. Avoid Surprises: When someone isn’t trusting, they’re hypervigilant and constantly on guard for crazy, unpleasant surprises from you. Avoid surprising them when they least expect it, and if you must surprise them, give them a pleasant surprise, like a night out or a small, thoughtful gift.

2. Be Upfront: Keep your significant other aware of everything that’s going on with you. Even if your plans change at the last minute, make sure they’re the first to know, not the last.

3. Demonstrate Your Trustworthiness: Do exactly what you said you were going to do. Go exactly where you said you were going to go. Be attentive and considerate, especially in regards to keeping appointments or schedules in your daily lifestyle.

4. Remember the Power of Honesty: In order for someone to trust you after you’ve screwed up, your life needs to become an open book, no matter how much you crave your privacy. Don’t tell any lies, don’t lie and don’t behave defensively with your partner. Even if they want answers to the silliest questions, remain respectful and remember that you have to earn your way back into their lives.

Rebuilding a Sexual Relationship With A Cheating Spouse

admin — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:39:01 +0000

Sex to Reconnect with Cheating Spouse

Rebuilding your sexual relationship with a cheating spouse after they’ve had an affair can be a difficult situation. Between the two of you, there’s a lot of emotion, confusion, and self-consciousness that will need to be handled in order to create a safe environment for intimacy.

A Cheating Husband May Use Sex as a Method of Intimacy

To make matters worse, sex will be as much of a rollercoaster as your feelings are. Sometimes it won’t be good enough, and there are things that should (or shouldn’t) have been done. You’ll want him to kiss you there, or not touch you at all. You’ll want him to do it right, or don’t do it at all. There will be times he’ll pull out all the stops short from swinging from a chandelier with a rose tucked between his teeth and you’ll still fall short of bliss.

For most men, sexual intimacy is one of their easiest forms of communication and reconnection, especially after an affair. Sexual intimacy doesn’t involve lots of verbal expression, but it’s still possible that sex won’t be easy for him either. He may miss his sexual relationship with the other woman, even if he’s made a clear decision to save your marriage or committed relationship. He might also find it hard to sustain an erection out of guilt or fear that if he doesn’t perform as you desire, you’ll think he’s still cheating on you. Anxiety can impede his sexual performance in other ways, making him absent-minded and uncomfortable.

On the other hand, he may also pursue you at top speed for sex, as he thinks it’s a method to prove he still loves you. Many women react unfavorably, assuming their husbands see them as a sexual object, but we implore you not to. If he primarily connected to you with sex before the affair, chances are he’ll continue to do so after the affair.

Another challenge to having sex again after an affair is dealing with the other woman. She will continue to be part of your sex life long after she’s been removed from the picture. Your husband may think longingly of her, fantasize about her or desire her and potentially feel guilt about it as well. You too, will think of her, perhaps to wonder how you compare to her, or in an angry manner. When either or both of you channel her mentally during sex, this will bring the passion in your bedroom down.

Infidelity Conversations 10: My Husband's Affair Killed My Sexual Desire For Him

admin — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:21:11 +0000

My Heart’s Not in Saving the Marriage

In an effort to rebuild your marriage, your husband whisks you off on an exotic getaway. He’s putting all his effort into saving your marriage and stopping divorce in its tracks but you can’t seem to get excited by his attempts to rekindle the flame. As a result, he becomes highly frustrated that your heart’s not in it and starts wondering why he’s bothering in the first place.

Your husband’s efforts aren’t completely in vain, yet they are a hasty effort to move the affair out of your relationship’s pathway; his trip is an effort to put the past behind him and make rapid progress.

At the same time, nobody can blame you if you can’t help but avoid feeling excited about your wayward spouse’s efforts to re-ignite the flame in your marriage; after all, you’re actually seeking to avoid getting so excited by this move that your husband settles the affair as a small bump in your marriage.

Move past this road block by discussing the need for acceptance on both sides. Your husband will need to accept that his infidelity affected your desire for him, and a romantic trip, no matter how passionate, will not easily replace the diminished attraction to him. Also explain that you have to learn to accept that he’s trying to improve the state of your marriage and assist in helping you move past the affair as a couple. Remind him that just because you intend to have a good time on your trip does not mean all is forgotten and you need time to move at your own pace.

Do not get into a debate about how you or your husband should feel, but instead allow each other to fully feel whatever it is each person is feeling at the moment. Honoring each other’s true feelings about the situation makes for a respectful interaction which assists in restoring honor for both partners in the relationship. Successful practice of emotional acceptance and respecting the other party’s feelings also results in the you and your husband being able to feel safe in sharing more intimate thoughts and feelings within the relationship.

Infidelity Conversations 9: Everything Reminds Me that He Cheated on Me

admin — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 07:35:40 +0000

Constantly Reminded of Husband’s Love Affair by TV, Movies and Celebrity Scandals

Everytime another celebrity is cheated on, it simply reminds you that he cheated on you too.

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You two are on the couch or at the movies when one of the characters has a sexual affair with her lover while her devoted fiancé is out of town, or you read the latest celebrity gossip and discover another rock star having an affair. You’re instantly triggered to think about your husband’s cheating and the effect it has on you. “Dammit, everyone’s having an affair these days, huh?”

There’s no doubt about it, the entertainment business loves infidelity scandals for ratings and attention, and nothing serves up scandal quite like an affair. Unfortunately, one person’s juicy buzz is your painful trigger about the hell you went through dealing with infidelity. These moments will spring up on you when you least expect it, and linger no matter how much you tell yourself to ignore it.

If your cheating husband is there, he may freeze up, or seem unsupportive when he also tells you not to let it get to you when you mention it. Easy for you to say, you think, remembering all the crushing details as they press down upon your heart while you get the beginnings of a migraine. If you’re emotionally triggered, his behavior and the movie can easily push you to become confrontational.

Ideally, your husband’s response wouldn’t be so frozen; he’d understand exactly what you’re going through and respond in a kind, loving manner that would put you at ease, especially since he knows he’s part of the reason you’re feeling so low. But he can’t – his head-in-the-sand approach is his way of staying out of hot water since he doesn’t know how to handle this situation.

Don’t be afraid to tell your husband exactly what you need him to do during these awkward and rough moments, especially since he’s too afraid to take chances and guess. If you need him to silently comfort you with a hug and a kiss, tell him. If you need him to reassure you of his renewed promise of faithfulness and commitment, then do so as well. He can’t help you if you don’t teach him how to.

Infidelity Conversations 8: Dealing with Infidelity, Cheating Spouse and In-Laws

admin — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 10:13:56 +0000

“Cheating Spouse Doesn’t Want to Visit My Family”

You may have forgiven your husband for his cheating, but it doesn't mean that they have.

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Both your families know about your man’s infidelity, as you made sure everyone knew how much of a dog he was when he cheated on you. Despite the fact that you’ve taken him back and feel that all is now well, or on the way to being well, he shies away from attending large family gatherings with you because he doesn’t want to deal with the possibility that they’ve grown to hate him.

Aside of the fact your husband never wanted you to catch him cheating, he definitely never had any plans for your family to know of his bad behavior as well. It also goes without saying that he’s not appreciative of the fact that they seem to know so much about his affair either. Unfortunately, the holidays are coming (Thanksgiving is only one week away!) and you must make a decision about whether or not he should bite the bullet and re-establish his relationship with your relatives.

In such a situation, it’s best not to pressure him to make any appearances with you at family gatherings. Leave him at home until you two are somewhat solid again. Waiting until your relationship’s on more stable ground allows you both to deal with the awkwardness of that first time back around your family- and no matter what, that first time will be awkward.

It’s okay for both of you to address your concerns about the upcoming family affair if necessary. Should you discover that he’s more upset with the fact that you’ve exposed the affair than anything, then it’s not an excuse. While he may be correct in that it might not have been appropriate to tell every detail to your parents, he’ll need to get over the fact that his infidelity is common knowledge the same way he wants you to get over the fact that he cheated on you to begin with.

Try to soften the awkwardness of the situation by speaking with your family beforehand. Ask them to remain supportive of your decision by being courteous to your husband for the sake of saving your marriage. Encourage your husband to reach out and try to re-establish relationships with your family and smile and be supportive of him in front of your family. Even if nobody personally supports your decision, they should love you enough to extend the olive branch to your husband.

Infidelity Conversations 7: The Other Woman Still Tries to Sleep With My Husband

admin — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:00:50 +0000

Even though your husband vows to make things right, the other woman can still impede on your marriage.

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My Cheating Husband Still Talks to The Other Woman

Your husband’s mistress is aware of the fact that you know about her sexual affair with your husband. She’s also aware that you two are reconciling, and that there isn’t any room for her in your husband’s life anymore. Despite this information, she is adamant about having a place in his life, creating opportunities for small talk between them, and even tries to seduce him to give it another try. You tell your husband that he needs to tell her to get over it and leave him alone, but he accuses you of making a big deal out of nothing.

If his reaction pisses you off, this is understandable. Why would anyone think your reaction is anything but justified considering the history between these two, nevermind the fact that she’s still trying to sleep with him? However, you have to take a look at your husband’s behavior. Is he encouraging the other woman’s behavior? Does he still talk to her on the phone, email her or act in a manner that would send a message saying that it’s only a “matter of time” before he’s back in her arms? If so, then you might want to discuss why he’s still so pleasant with her, and see if you need to be on guard. His pleasantries don’t guarantee that he’ll cheat again but they can be a strong signal to watch out for him.

If it appears your husband does not entertain this woman’s insistent cries for attention, then continue to encourage his good behavior. You must put your faith on a limb and learn to trust him again, especially if he’s putting in the work worthy of him doing so. As he reports what she does, be grateful and thankful for his honesty in approaching you to update you. Ignore her, as she most likely wants to know that she still has an effect on your relationship and may revel in this knowledge.

Should you find that your husband’s former mistress won’t let up and you still wish to confront her, try to approach her in a calm, level-headed manner. If she becomes abrasive, rude or just otherwise shows you that she doesn’t care about your marriage, then it will have to be up to your husband to set the record straight. If this is an office romance, then you’ll probably have to ask him to confront his supervisors (although this can make for a sticky situation at work). Hopefully, your husband will realize that his cheating has lingering effects and will finally bite the bullet and do whatever’s necessary to get – and keep- this obssessed woman out of your lives. Now if you find out he’s actually been still messing with her and actively leading the both of you on…

Infidelity Conversations 6: He Cheated On Me, Wants Me to "Get Over It" Already

admin — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 08:26:48 +0000

He Said to “Stop Throwing the Past in My Face”

A cheating husband may tell you to "get over it," but the road to recovering from an affair is long.

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Even though you two are working on your marriage, the pain of his infidelity is still raw at moments. You also never pass on an opportunity to remind him of the affair, something which irritates him to no end, further aggravating your relationship. To your husband, this is just another attempt to throw his cheating in face, and continue beating a dead horse. You, on the other hand, are still highly upset by his behavior and are not having an easy time “getting over it” like he is.

Generally speaking, if the tables were turned, and you cheated on him, he wouldn’t have any problems letting you know how upset he was that you slept with another man. People usually don’t have any problems being comfortable with their anger and sense of entitlement, but squirm uncomfortably with feelings of guilt, fear and unhappiness. Therefore, whenever you bring his infidelity up, your husband is forced to deal with these unhappy emotions; they create much internal, personal discomfort which he finds difficult to regulate.

Ask yourself why you keep bringing up his infidelity. Does bringing up his infidelity ease the pain you feel? Or are you feeling as if your emotions are being ignored and going unacknowledged. Bringing up the past isn’t going to be productive if that’s your form of punishment. If you’re unaware of why you bring his infidelity up so often, then you’ll need to take steps not to bring it up so frequently without a valid reason.

Another thing to consider: people who usually bring up the past frequently are usually dealing with something in the present that reminds them of the past hurt they experienced. A great example of this is getting upset when your husband leaves the house for a few hours. When he returns, he tells you he went to the supermarket, but you later find out that he stopped at the bookstore and also got a bite to eat. You get upset because your husband didn’t “tell you the whole truth” and this reminds you of how he lied to you about where he went and neglected to give you the whole truth while he was cheating. This is a great example of how small things can trigger painful memories of his infidelity.

Infidelity Conversations 5: He Cheated on Me; I Constantly Talk About It

admin — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:52:27 +0000

“I Always Think About My Cheating Spouse’s Sexual Affair”

Even though it's in the past, your cheating man's sexual affair still lingers in your mind.

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You’re always bringing up his sexual affair, and wish he would bring up the infidelity as a conversation piece so you didn’t always appear to be the one thinking about it all the time. Months later, the only time his affair comes up in conversation is when you mention it, especially when you’re having another one of “those days.” As it stands, you find you’re more and more frustrated by what you perceive is his lack of sympathy for you, especially when he knows why you’re so obsessed with it.

Try looking at this issue from a male viewpoint. When men fight with one another, they give the offended party space and allow the offended party to step forward and make contact about the events which caused strife. In his cue book, your husband isn’t being insensitive or hateful; instead, he’s giving you space and avoiding the topic in order to avoid triggering you at the wrong time. (And, quite frankly, he still doesn’t want to think about what he did, especially if he’s sorry.)

Is your husband showing you, in as many ways as he can, that he’s sorry for what he put you through by cheating on you, words notwithstanding? If so, then speak with him explicitly, and let him know what you want him to do when you have these moments. Tell him you’d like him to initiate more conversations about his infidelity, or give you comfort when you become emotionally preoccupied with your hurt due to his affair

Infidelity Conversations 4: The Children, Your Marriage, The Affair

admin — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 16:07:20 +0000

My Husband’s Infidelity is Affecting Our Marriage AND Our Children

Your husband's cheating not only affects you, but it upsets the children.

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If you have children with your cheating spouse, then they more than likely have been privy to your marital problems, especially if infidelity was involved. One of the most painful experiences a child can have is witnessing problems between his parents and knowing “Daddy hurt Mommy.”

It’s not uncommon for children to show symptoms of anger and stress after witnessing conflict between parents. Such behavior can include anger, acting out and showing disrespect at school and at home. When this happens, you may blame your cheating husband; he, in turn, may blame you and insist your refusal to forgive him is what upsets your family.

If your child begins acting out in disturbing ways, you may wish to enroll them in family or child counseling. We do not suggest there’s anything wrong with your child; they’re simply going through a tough time understanding what’s going on at home. It’s also possible that your children are blaming themselves for what’s wrong in your troubled marriage, even if you know it has nothing to do with them. Take action to speak with them and inform them that they are not to blame for what’s going on at home.

Fighting over who’s to blame for your children’s reaction to your relationship woes will not solve any problems, but may in fact inflame things further. You both need to put your irritations to the side and come up with a method to present a united front to your children. No, things may not be alright, but they definitely don’t need to affect your children’s happiness. Let your children know that, yes, Mommy and Daddy are having problems, but they are being sorted out and nobody is going anywhere. If, in fact, there are plans for separation or divorce, don’t mention this possibility. Just tell them things are being worked out.

He Cheated on Me - Now What?! » infidelity conversations

How Do Babies and Death Create Infidelity?

Does Your Risky History Put You At Risk for A Sexual Affair?

Related Reading:

How Can I Get My Wife to Trust Me Again?

How to Gain Trust After Infidelity or Any Other Crisis Affects Your Relationship

Related Reading:

Rebuilding a Sexual Relationship With A Cheating Spouse

Sex to Reconnect with Cheating Spouse

A Cheating Husband May Use Sex as a Method of Intimacy

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 10: My Husband's Affair Killed My Sexual Desire For Him

My Heart’s Not in Saving the Marriage

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 9: Everything Reminds Me that He Cheated on Me

Constantly Reminded of Husband’s Love Affair by TV, Movies and Celebrity Scandals

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 8: Dealing with Infidelity, Cheating Spouse and In-Laws

“Cheating Spouse Doesn’t Want to Visit My Family”

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 7: The Other Woman Still Tries to Sleep With My Husband

Even though your husband vows to make things right, the other woman can still impede on your marriage.

[/caption]
My Cheating Husband Still Talks to The Other Woman

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 6: He Cheated On Me, Wants Me to "Get Over It" Already

He Said to “Stop Throwing the Past in My Face”

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 5: He Cheated on Me; I Constantly Talk About It

“I Always Think About My Cheating Spouse’s Sexual Affair”

Even though it's in the past, your cheating man's sexual affair still lingers in your mind.

[/caption]

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 4: The Children, Your Marriage, The Affair

My Husband’s Infidelity is Affecting Our Marriage AND Our Children

Related Reading:

He Cheated on Me - Now What?! » infidelity conversations

How Do Babies and Death Create Infidelity?

Does Your Risky History Put You At Risk for A Sexual Affair?

Related Reading:

How Can I Get My Wife to Trust Me Again?

How to Gain Trust After Infidelity or Any Other Crisis Affects Your Relationship

Related Reading:

Rebuilding a Sexual Relationship With A Cheating Spouse

Sex to Reconnect with Cheating Spouse

A Cheating Husband May Use Sex as a Method of Intimacy

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 10: My Husband's Affair Killed My Sexual Desire For Him

My Heart’s Not in Saving the Marriage

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 9: Everything Reminds Me that He Cheated on Me

Constantly Reminded of Husband’s Love Affair by TV, Movies and Celebrity Scandals

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 8: Dealing with Infidelity, Cheating Spouse and In-Laws

“Cheating Spouse Doesn’t Want to Visit My Family”

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 7: The Other Woman Still Tries to Sleep With My Husband

Even though your husband vows to make things right, the other woman can still impede on your marriage. [/caption] My Cheating Husband Still Talks to The Other Woman

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 6: He Cheated On Me, Wants Me to "Get Over It" Already

He Said to “Stop Throwing the Past in My Face”

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 5: He Cheated on Me; I Constantly Talk About It

“I Always Think About My Cheating Spouse’s Sexual Affair”

Even though it's in the past, your cheating man's sexual affair still lingers in your mind. [/caption]

Related Reading:

Infidelity Conversations 4: The Children, Your Marriage, The Affair

My Husband’s Infidelity is Affecting Our Marriage AND Our Children

Related Reading:

Even though your husband vows to make things right, the other woman can still impede on your marriage.

[/caption]
My Cheating Husband Still Talks to The Other Woman

Even though it's in the past, your cheating man's sexual affair still lingers in your mind.

[/caption]