When it comes down to dealing with troubled marriages, people assume there were incidents of sexual infidelity involved. On top of this, the usual justification is that a cheating husband did so simply chose to simply because “he’s a man”. These prevailing misconceptions display just how uninformed people are when it comes to understanding infidelity and issues related to it.

Sexual Infidelity is about betrayal, not sex

Sex is an action that involves two or more people. Infidelity is an act of betrayal committed against one’s trust – sexually, emotionally or otherwise. Thus it’s safe to say that sexual infidelity occurs when a cheating husband acts out sexually with someone else and betrays his commitment to wife. More often than not, cheaters know better than to behave as they do; this explains the length of deception they will go in order to hide their illicit activities.

So what causes sexual adultery? Unfaithfulness can be triggered by many things; attraction, loneliness or too much drinking, group pressure, by the thrill of adventure… the list can go on indefinitely. However, the large majority of sexual affairs, upon thorough analysis, is the result of one or both spouses lacking emotional fulfillment in their marriage.

Swingers are not cheaters

Many people confuse the idea of couples swinging or allowing each other to engage in sex with others as “cheating,” but this is an inappropriate comparison. Swingers and those living “open” lifestyles create their own sexual boundaries that allow them to engage in sexual activities with other people. As they have each other’s consent, “open” couples aren’t cheating as long as they operate within their personal guidelines. Couples who sneak sexual activity on the side while engaged in what was previously agreed upon as a monogamous relationship, however, are cheating.

(Side-note: open marriages, no matter how liberating they look, still require honesty and accountability on part of all parties involved for the relationships to mutually benefit everyone.)

Save your marriage with honesty

To save your marriage after an affair will require courage. You’ll need courage to take a long thorough look at the entire relationship and all the processes and events which built up to this crucial turn of events – and this includes honestly looking at the role you’ve played in your relationship. Once you do this, you’ll need to discover the art of emotional acceptance to assist in feeling peace in the midst of your turmoil. Emotional acceptance doesn’t forget about your husband’s betrayal; it simply gives you the necessary emotional clarity required to heal as you deal with the aftereffects of the affair.

His sidetrick is irrelevant

Don’t obsess over the other woman! So many women wrap themselves up in the other woman, trying to analyze everything about her: from the color of her eyes and the perkiness of her 34-C breasts (and the quality of her panties) to the grade of her extensions and how much money she makes. Whether or not she looks better than or – *gasps* – gives better blowjobs-  than you. All of these little bitchy comparisons ignore what’s most important - figuring out what went wrong in your marriage and identifying previously ignored red flags that might have prevented the affair.

Shift your focus to the health and quality of the relationship you share with your husband. Determine whether your trust and love are so badly damaged that there’s no hope for restoration, even with the help of a marriage counselor.  Is the bond you have with your husband strong enough to overcome his heartbreaking actions? Are you truly willing to make the changes necessary on your part to listen to his side of things, or will you abruptly queue up those tormented memories of the strawberry kisses her lipstick left on his collar and the scent of that cheap Designer Impostor perfume she left in his car to negate any need to take ownership of your part in the affair?

You are responsible for your happiness. It’s up to you to determine whether you’re going to save your marriage, or divorce your husband after having an affair.

TIGER, JESSIE, TIKI or REGGIE?

It’s already April 2010 and we’ve been inundated with crazy celebrity infidelity stories:

• Thanksgiving 2009 gave us Tiger Woods and his dirty dozen. Theman’s lost millions, if not billions, in endorsement deals, and is still apologizing for it to this very minute. Elin hasn’t said a peep, but appears to be sticking by him. His whores, on the other hand, are demanding apologies.
• New Orleans Saints’ RB Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian played on-again, off-again a few times before calling it quits in March 2010. Summer 2009 revealed that Bush had been sleeping with booty model Carmen Ortega; this time around he’s been rumored to have been with a leggy blonde waitress.
• Sandra Bullocks’ reality star husband Jesse James was caught getting it in with glamour model Michelle McGee. Robbing Bullock of the opportunity to bask in the afterglow of her Oscar win for The Blind Side wasn’t enough; McGee was exposed in a pro-Nazi photoshoot and James has been rumored to be racist as well. Other mistresses have come forward, citing James’ love of busty babes.
• Hot off the press, former New York Giant Tiki Barber has not only revealed that he’s been engaged in a long-term sexual affair, but Barber’s leaving his wife for an intern. Wait, it gets better: Barber’s wife is currently 8 months pregnant with twins. So what should be the most glorious time of their lives is ruined because this guy had the hots for a 23-year old blonde bimbo- and just had to reveal his split on his 35th birthday.

So Which Celebrity Cheater Is Sleaziest?

Tiger’s had numerous slut-buckets but none of them have seen a dime or know what the inside of his house looks like, unlike Bush, whose jump-off Ortega made a public video touring his home. So on that end, it’s been nothing but “hard dick and bubblegum” as they say. Yet Bush, on the other hand, seemed to have led Kim on, a big “no-no” for many women.

But Bush isn’t destroying Kardashian’s image; the reality star and socialite still holds several endorsements and businesses, making her a celebrity powerhouse. James’ trysts are destroying Bullock’s image; Blind Side was a “feel-good” movie about crossing racial barriers and loving people regardless of color. Now, all people think about is the allegedly pro-Nazi, racist personality of James and McGee. Let’s not mention the possible homemade Nazi sex tape between Bullock and James, complete with a “Dirty Sanchez.” Oh, the irony.

Yet, does anything top the fact that your husband – a man you’ve dedicated your life to throughout his entire NFL career – has no respect for you or his family? I mean, men, famous or unknown, rich or poor, cheat on women everyday. Sexual infidelity sucks period, but to knock up your wife of 16 years with twins and then leave her right before she’s due for 23-year old blonde bimbo meat? On your birthday? Woooooooow. You go bro!

Weigh in with us… who’s the sleaziest cheater this year so far? We-thinks it’s Barber…

Cheating Husband? 5 Flaky FrenemiesWho Don’t Care

Your girlfriends are your rocks in time of need, helping you celebrate the greatest events of your life and helping you through your darkest times. Besides death, when will you need your friends more than when you deal with a cheating husband?

Getting support from your best pals during this time should be the easiest part of your recovery. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. You may instead learn who your real friends are when you realize they’re not as sympathetic, helpful or available as they are during the good times. These 5 types in particular are the ones to watch out for – and dump if necessary.

Penelope the Hot Poker – Penelope’s an unhappy woman, and she’s relishing in your anger. Like a poker that carefully strokes over the embers and keeps the fire burning, she methodically works over your emotions to keep you in a continuous state of aggravation over your philandering man’s behavior. She’s always firing you up, saying things like, “Oh, you don’t think he was screwing every bitch in sight, do you?” or “I wonder if he used protection with her?” She can even serve you a few underhanded jabs, hoping “that you’re not too old to start dating again.”

Vampy Vanessa - Vanessa has always had eyes for your man, and has never taken big pains to hide this. When you reveal the problems in your marriage, her true agenda comes into question. She will remind you of all those times your husband commented on how hot she is, or even coyly ask, “So… you said your husband is going to be single soon?” She’s cool to party with, and can even make a great flirt when it comes to meeting guys, but she’s not even worth a text message until you’ve got your head on straight.

Dumbass Denise – Denise is completely oblivious to you and what goes on in your life. When you call her and scream about how your husband is cheating, she’s going to pause, then ask, “Who’s cheating? You got a boyfriend or something?” This isn’t the time to play catch up – so catch her later.

Indifferent Inez – Inez does not care about what you’re going through. Well, let’s rephrase that. Inez does care about what you’re going through, but in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t feel it’s highly important that your husband is sleeping with other women. She’ll remind you that no matter what you’re going through, someone is always dealing with worse, citing child trafficking, rape and Mexican drug wars as examples. This perspective is refreshing and helpful, but not in the midst of your own personal crisis.

Neurotic Nancy – Nancy is more fixated than on your husband’s infidelity than you are. No matter what happens, she’s always thinking of it, mentioning it and finding new ways to talk about it. It doesn’t matter if you’re discussing the proper ratio of salt and pepper on french fries; Nancy will somehow link the subject to your husband and his mistress. You’ll be driven nuts by her maniacal obsession, making it the only topic of choice no matter how inappropriate it is.

Sandra Bullock’s Cheating Husband Jesse James Can’t Keep It Zipped For Sh*t!

2009 and 2010 must be the beginning of a new era of boldly wild celebrity sex scandals. First, there were Tiger Woods’ crazy sexual affairs with a harem of whores, including an extra special one who wanted a personal apology from Woods himself (keep dreaming slut!). Of course, Woods, who admitted to feeling “entitled to cheat,” has since apologized- but only to his wife and the public. Though he’s not completely out of the woods just yet, but he’s been blindsided by an even more impressive scandal – Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. (All cheesy puns totally intended!)

2010 had been a good year so far for Bullock. After receiving several Oscar nominations for her pivotal role in feel-good movie The Blind Side, Bullock, 45, won for Best Actress. Set to hit the red carpet for the British premiere of The Blind Side, PR reps cancelled her arrival “due to unforeseen circumstances.” It was later revealed those unforeseen circumstances were the discovery of husband James’ 11-month sexual affair with trashy tattoo model Michelle McGee while Bullock was filming The Blind Side.

As if this crazy mess wasn’t already interesting enough, photos of McGee in a lewd, overtly sexual Neo-Nazi spread surfaced days later, further tarnishing the couple’s image by association. James’ exes have also come forward, revealing that this isn’t the first – or the last – time he’s cheated on his woman. And to date, at least three more women have surfaced with juicy claims that they too have had a roll in the hay with James, 40, during his five year marriage to Bullock.

Bullock’s Previous Infidelity Experiences

During an Entertainment Tonight interview, Bullock previously revealed that she had been cheated on, and admitted to having cheated herself. Having learned from that experience, she was as saying, “It was the stupidest thing I ever did. You take away respect from the other person. If you respect the other person enough and you are an honorable person, before it gets to that point, you say, ‘Hey listen, I’m getting ready to screw up and I know you’re going to leave’ and you give the person the right to walk.”

Ironically, Bullock called Tiger Woods’ wife Elin’s behavior during his sex scandal “respectable,” adding that she’d have kept hitting Woods and got “everything out.”

Since the scandals broke, Bullock hasn’t been heard from. We can only imagine how crushed and upset the situation is, especially considering how the whole affair almost completely overshadows one of her crowning career achievements. If she’s holding true to her words, she’s probably too busy putting her batting practice to good use.

Get ‘em Sandy!

Can Cheating Help Me Find Myself?

By no means an acceptable act, sexual and emotional infidelity destroys relationships and tears families apart. Your own personal experiences can attest to this information. Whether you were the cheating party, or the victim of infidelity, it can easily be said that affairs leave deadly consequences in its wake.

Since cheating can completely destroy lives, shouldn’t there be something worth learning from the experience? Besides learning that it sucks to hurt or be hurt by someone we love, are there any positive benefits to having an affair? Does sexual or emotional infidelity give birth to anything we can take with us through life?

The answer, depending on the circumstances, is yes. Yes, there are lessons learned from infidelity, and yes, one can truly benefit from cheating on someone.

Relationship expert Mira Kirshenbaum’s book, When Good People Have Affairs, discusses the alternative side of infidelity. Written for individuals currently involved in an affair, this nonjudgmental, informative book guides readers to sort out their affair and its aftermath in a carefully established order.

Affairs Help You Discover Who You Are

One part of Kirshenbaum’s candid book promotes the idea that affairs, in hindsight, teach us something about ourselves. People cheat in order to obtain something they feel they are lacking, usually within their primary relationships. A person might instantly know why they’re cheating, and others might not be so sure, yet simply have the understanding that things aren’t satisfying for them.

An affair helps you rediscover who you are. Even if you knew who you were two years ago, chances are you’re not the same person. In life, we’re constantly evolving, discovering new passions or reigniting those which lay dormant within. Though you may not have been actively seeking an affair, you might have found yourself drawn to someone whose passions or talents matched those you wished to pursue. Those shared interests created a bond that eventually led to bedroom.

One way to reflect upon a sexual affair with someone whose interests mirror long-lost dreams of your own is to believe that your relationship served to reunite you with the piece of you that was missing. Whether your affair involved a talented salsa partner who stimulated your desire to explore Latin culture, lustful make out sessions with a beautiful woman who indulged in your passion for foreign films, or simply paired you with a Greek god who coached you back into physical fitness, you were essentially reminded of something you’ve wanted or needed to do, yet ignored for a long time.

Real Love or Simply a Fringe Benefit?

Determining whether or not your affair partner shared a significant long-lasting opportunity with you is fairly easy. Simply consider whether that person’s presence made you feel more alive, and if they inspired you to be more of the person you want to be. Did this person remind you of who you wished to become?

Chances are, the answers to these questions are all yes, and in some form or fashion, this is indicative of your connection. However, this does not mean that the other person is meant for you, or that you’re even soul mates, so don’t confuse the pleasure within the affair as a passionate desire for your affair partner. Those intense feelings aren’t necessarily for that other person so much as it is for the fact that you’ve been reunited with a long repressed part of yourself.

If you’ve returned to your spouse after cheating on them, and feel a sense of yearning for that other person, consider whether it’s the shared interest in certain activities you long for. Consider making the interest or hobby a regular part of your renewed relationship with your spouse – and even if you find you can’t, find some way to add it to your life. The fact that you were willing to risk hurting others for it establishes how important that activity is to your happiness.

Husband’s Cheating Reignited Sexual Passion in Marriage

In a weird way, jealousy inspires sexual passion in some marriages.

Daniel and Jennifer have been together for six years, two married and four dating. Even though they really love each other, Daniel feels their sex life after marriage has died. Sex has gone from occurring three or four times a week to less than a few times a month. Additionally, the energy and passion isn’t there as much either. Despite the repeated attempts to spice up their marriage, nothing works, and Daniel starts an intense sexual affair with a woman he meets on Craigslist.

The sex is alright, but it’s still not as exciting as Daniel would like. However, he still continues to see this other woman while he attempts to reconcile his passion with Jennifer.

It’s not long before Jennifer notices a change in Daniel’s behavior, and discovers his illicit sexual affair. While she’s hurt, and quite frankly pissed off, Jennifer cannot help but to feel incredibly attracted to Daniel. She hates him for cheating on her, but at the same time she can’t keep her hands off him. Daniel’s infidelity has sparked an intense sexual, romantic reawakening between the couple that has been missing for a long time.

Why Does a Competitive Sexual Affair Happen?

As crazy as this situation sounds, many men cheat on their wives because of the desire to reconnect with their spouses. Relationships are continuous work for many people because they tend to “fall into a rut” with one another and let the sexual chemistry fizzle.

While this isn’t a guaranteed response for every discovered infidelity, sexual reconnection between couples works often enough that most people have experienced it in some form. Perhaps your husband ignores you until he sees another man giving you what he feels is “special” attention; later on, he tries to put the moves on you. Perhaps you notice that whenever another man looks your way, your husband becomes a little more territorial than usual.

There are dozens of reasons why cheating or the threat of cheating can arouse sexual chemistry. Many people cite reasons such as the kinkiness of the situation; fear of losing their lover; or the need for anything to spice things up. One frequent reason discussed is competition; nobody wants to lose against someone else. One cheating husband once stated, “Competition breeds great service.”

Dealing with Competitive Sexual Infidelity

Although the flames of passion have been reignited, it’s not enough to overcome sexual infidelity. Once the flames die down, you will still need to work through the poor communication which eventually led to sexual infidelity. You must handle the relationship with kid gloves now, and work to communicate with your spouse on the consequences of the adultery and save your marriage.

Cheating to Purposely Make Someone Break Up With You

You’re not happy with your wife. You know you’re sick and tired of her, and you would really rather not be married to her much longer. The thought of spending the rest of your lives together, while hopeful at first, now throws you into a deep depression.

You feel stifled, hopeless and broken. You want to end things with her, but you know it won’t be easy. She’s going to push counseling. She’ll want to uphold religious views on marriage. She’ll cite something along the lines of, “marriage is forever,” and your families will back this sentiment.

So, instead of manning up and staying true to your desires, you devise a plan to coax her into doing the dirty work for you: you cheat on her. Cheating on your wife not only sends the message that you’re no longer interested in being faithful to her; it gives you hope that she’ll take the required steps to end the marriage and file for divorce.

Yea, you’ll look like a lying, cheating jerk to everyone who knows the both of you, but it’s the risk you’re willing to take to avoid being the one to “stir up trouble” – even though that’s exactly what you’ve done by having an affair to begin with.

If you’re the cowardly cheater, realize that your inability to end things does not make the situation any better for the person you’re cheating on. If your marriage has been damaged beyond any repair you desire to handle, then it’s time to accept your choice to let it go.

If you were cheated on, and this is how the marriage ended, accept the fact that this might have been out of your control from the moment your ex-husband felt this way. As painful as it may sound, cowardly affairs are designed to force your hand. Some people so desperately fear breaking up with the other person that they cannot just cut to the point and end things, even if that’s what they truly want. Sometimes they’re scared to take responsibility for the pain their choice would cause, and instead turn to cheating as an alternative method of communicating displeasure.

What is a Down Low Man?

Picturing your man in the arms of another can completely destroy you – but try discovering that he’s been with another man, not a woman. Then what? How could you deal with that?

Many women find themselves shocked, speechless and even disgusted to find out that their lovers engage in homosexual infidelity, especially when they’ve never claimed to be homosexual or bisexual.

J. L. King Describes the Down Low Mentality

Author J. L. King, exposed this phenomenon back in 2004 with his book, On the Down Low. King states down low men come from all walks of life and cannot be “picked” out of a lineup, no matter what any person says. “DL men are part of the daily lives of all of us; they don’t stand out and can’t be picked out of a lineup or even if they’re standing in front of you.”

Down Low Men Abhor Gay and Bisexual Lifestyles

DL men do not believe they’re homosexual; in fact, many abhor and detest homosexuality or anything close to it. They don’t need or want their sexuality questioned, especially by the women in their lives. They feel they are the furthest thing from gay.

Sounds confusing, right?

Well, not in their minds. DL men don’t feel they live an openly gay lifestyle, and attribute their “homosexual” behavior as pure, “unadulterated, freaky sex” that just happens to be with another man.

King states that DL men feel they “don’t fit the stereotypical image of gay men that the media has portrayed. Gays march in parades, hang out at gay clubs, and may have gay flags on their homes and cars.” He adds that most gay men have a distinct ability to describe how they want their partners to be and what attracts them, whereas down low men are usually purely in it for the sex.

Regardless of whether it was with a man or a woman, if you’re husband or partner cheated on you, it’s imperative that you get checked out as soon as possible. Your health is the most vital treasure you can have in your life, and life is precious. Get tested, even if you’re not sure he’s been cheating, and wear condoms if you’re not sure he’s been completely faithful.

When Your Husband’s Mistress is a Man

Sexual affairs can be extremely painful to deal with if you’re the one who’s been cheated on. It’s even worse when you discover that your husband is cheating on you with other men. Here are some tips to get yourself in order as you deal with homosexual infidelity.

1. Don’t compare yourself to this other man. The prospect of a man cheating on you with another man can be scary because, let’s face it, you feel as if you have nothing to compete with when it comes to his attraction. No woman wants to be compared to another woman at all, but at least she’s going to have all the same equipment you do. A man is a completely different story – and truth be told, it’s not worth harping over.

2. Get tested IMMEDIATELY. Not to sound homophobic or hateful, but it’s been reported that an overwhelming number of women involved with men who live on the down low have an increased risk of HIV/AIDS. It’s said that because these men feel AIDS/HIV is a “gay man’s disease” and that they’re not gay (yeah, okay!) that they’re not susceptible to the disease. Don’t take any chances with your health and run to the nearest doctor.

3. Avoid sexual activity with him. Even if he were having sex with another woman, I would still recommend this. Sexual intimacy is a gift and display of trust in a loving monogamous relationship- something you thought you had with this man. This is not about punishing him for his actions – even though that would partially suffice – it’s about making sure you decrease your exposure to whatever he’s possibly contracted during behavior.

4. Clear your head and figure out what YOU want to do. Depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, you might find it hard to immediately come to a decision to leave him. There may be children, money, and other factors involved in your decision, and you need to ensure you’re level-headed and clear in your final decision to stay or leave.

5. Accept no excuses. Your husband may come out swinging when you confront him and try to justify his behavior. (This also goes for the ladies whose men have cheated with other women as well.) There is no excuse for cheating – a cheater cheats because he cannot be honest with his feelings and desires and, deep down, knows his behavior isn’t appropriate. Don’t second guess yourself in light of his nasty excuses.

6. Know that this too will pass. Life hands us some painful and random curveballs, some so bad we don’t know how or why we can continue living. As a friend once said, “Disguised blessings in life that offer opportunities for spiritual growth and alignment to love are often missed because they are presented as traumatic events.” Work through the pain one day at a time and you’ll eventually get past this hurdle as well.

High-Risk Factors for People Who Have Affairs

When it comes to affairs, many people don’t realize that there was usually a perfect storm brewing prior to the onset of the affair. Family environments and personal history are highly important factors which can ultimately influence an individual to cheat in his or her marriage/relationship. Let’s explore the dynamics of these influences and understand how you or your spouse can become vulnerable to infidelity.

Pronounced History of Infidelity within the Family

Though infidelity within the family is not a topic of conversation discussed among members, modeling is one of the most powerful forms of behavior known to man. Research has shown that infidelity appears to run down family trees and can occur in every generation if the behavior is observed and imitated.

Even if children are unaware of their family history, the tension, pain and hostility between parents can become a familiar feeling that makes them susceptible to seeking the same things in their own relationships. This can ultimately end up with the adult children living out relationships that magnify this vulnerability within their exclusive relationship or in an extramarital affair.

Single Parent or Blended Families

A family that is missing it’s original nucleus experiences difficulty filling the void that the missing parent leaves behind. Even in the best cases of having a great blended family with step-parents and stepchildren, it can take years before the nurturing and bonding needed from the right figures can be effective. People who grow up in these situations arent aware of what they’re missing and can unconsciously create experiences where they’re trying to fill that unseen void.

Abusive Families and Troubled Homes

Sex and sexuality are very comforting and soothing to men. It’s believed that men who come from angry homes see sex as a reassurant that everything is okay; that they’re okay as a person, that things will be okay in life. Men who subconsciously use sex to reassure themselves develop a compulsive habit of using it as a form of medication.

Biochemically speaking, people report the highest levels of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, after sex with their signficant other. In times of distress and need, most men feel a need or desire to make love to their wives after stress or conflict. Even if nothing has improved, most men will feel everything is okay or better after sex with someone they love and care about. Have you ever felt annoyed that your husband felt sex was the answer to every difficulty or problem in your marriage?