Astonishing Cheating Spouse Secret

Infidelity, whether sexual or emotional, is a painful occurrence for anyone to experience. The betrayal of a cheating husband drives a sharp stake right into your heart, leaving you shattered and devastated.

After discovering their cheating husband has stepped out, many heartbroken women seek relationship advice. They want to understand, above all, why their husbands cheat on them. “He cheated on me! Why did he cheat? How could he cheat? I gave him everything!”

Sex is Most Commonly Assumed Reason To Cheat…

Sexual desire for other women is the most common reason people assume for sexual affairs and infidelity. “Oh, men are just dogs, all of them,” some women – and men – reason. “It’s in their nature to cheat, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

But, this “common knowledge” is actually an incredible fallacy. Yes, that’s right, I said this is a completely false “truth” about cheating. Despite what societal stereotypes report, the most common reason for infidelity is not sex. Yes, sex is more than likely involved, but the real reason is even more unlikely than you may think… and it starts in the heart.

The truth about cheating is that it’s not all sexual. Studies by experts such as Gary M. Neuman and Mira Kirschenbaum have determined that unfulfilled emotional needs, not sex, drive men to have emotional affairs or sexual infidelities.

Most long-term relationships are built on a solid emotional foundation. Within the early stages of the relationship, the couple establishes intimacy in a comfortable environment that allows them to feel close and confide in one another. As time progresses, and the couple falls into a more routine, day-to-day pattern, they often stop putting in the same effort to maintain the emotional intimacy they shared with one another.

Sex, when it happens, doesn’t replace emotional intimacy in a solid relationship. Sex is inspired by the intimacy (and, of course, the physical connection), and further enhances it, bringing the couple closer. So, when a your cheating husband experienced emotional needs that he felt were unmet with you, this lead him elsewhere, and ultimately, sexual intercourse with your husband’s affair partner was simply a devastating yet natural progression of their affair. This is not to say that your husband’s cheating is justifiable, or rational. He could have chosen to deal with the problems in your troubled marriage head-on before moving on to another woman – or simply filed for a divorce. However, now that you’re aware of this, you have the power to make a more informed decisions about what to do next.

Now that you’re highly aware of how unfulfilled emotional connections leave your husband vulnerable to sexual infidelity, it’s time to take action. Regularly sustaining an intimate, supportive and romantic relationship with your husband is the best preventative measure to affair-proof your marriage. However, if he’s already cheated,  and you want to fix your marriage, take the time to learn how to win your cheating husband back from his affair.

Cheating to Purposely Make Someone Break Up With You

You’re not happy with your wife. You know you’re sick and tired of her, and you would really rather not be married to her much longer. The thought of spending the rest of your lives together, while hopeful at first, now throws you into a deep depression.

You feel stifled, hopeless and broken. You want to end things with her, but you know it won’t be easy. She’s going to push counseling. She’ll want to uphold religious views on marriage. She’ll cite something along the lines of, “marriage is forever,” and your families will back this sentiment.

So, instead of manning up and staying true to your desires, you devise a plan to coax her into doing the dirty work for you: you cheat on her. Cheating on your wife not only sends the message that you’re no longer interested in being faithful to her; it gives you hope that she’ll take the required steps to end the marriage and file for divorce.

Yea, you’ll look like a lying, cheating jerk to everyone who knows the both of you, but it’s the risk you’re willing to take to avoid being the one to “stir up trouble” – even though that’s exactly what you’ve done by having an affair to begin with.

If you’re the cowardly cheater, realize that your inability to end things does not make the situation any better for the person you’re cheating on. If your marriage has been damaged beyond any repair you desire to handle, then it’s time to accept your choice to let it go.

If you were cheated on, and this is how the marriage ended, accept the fact that this might have been out of your control from the moment your ex-husband felt this way. As painful as it may sound, cowardly affairs are designed to force your hand. Some people so desperately fear breaking up with the other person that they cannot just cut to the point and end things, even if that’s what they truly want. Sometimes they’re scared to take responsibility for the pain their choice would cause, and instead turn to cheating as an alternative method of communicating displeasure.

What Type of Affair is He Having? Find Out Today!

There are different forms of infidelity and cheating. Not every affair is the same, but there are several types of affairs which can be placed into different categories.

One-Night Stands

One-night stands are usually casual, unplanned hookups. Unplanned in that the people may not have known each other prior to that night, but there’s a strong potential that one or both parties had every intention to have sex with someone.

One-night stands are believed to usually involve alcohol and substance abuse. One-night stands are not an attempt to create intimacy with someone else, but are self-serving. While they can be passionate, they’re usually emotionless. It’s not uncommon for someone to experience intense remorse after a one-night stand, once realization sinks in.

Entangled Affairs

These are more long-term forms of infidelity which attempt to fill an emotional or psychological need within the person. It may last for a year or two, and sexual activity may progress later on in the relationship and not exactly at the onset. Combination emotional-sexual affairs are a type of entangled affair.

Sexual Addiction

Inappropriate early sexual exposure is at the root of sexual addiction; it eventually becomes a form of acting out. Experts state this is an outcome of sex-obsessed culture, and the behavior is the person’s method of self-medicating feelings such as shame, anxiety and depression.

Women tend to eat their feelings while men turn to sex as a form of emotional comfort. Thus, most sex addicts tend to be men. Sex is the best anti-depressant to many, at least initially. Over time, the lack of emotional fulfillment can further depress the addict, as the void they attempt to fill becomes harder to satisfy.

People who are truly sexually addicted and desire to break free will more than likely have best results with the help of a 12-step program, like Sexaholics Anonymous, or from a psychologist.

Add-on Affairs

The add-on infidelity fills a specific void in the cheater’s life. The connection is initially platonic, and can start in the workplace or while the cheater’s engaging in a social activity that his spouse has no interest in. Common leisure activities where these relationships can happen include sports, religious worship and study and even hiking or camping.

Instead of being highly passionate and seen as emotionally charged, the emotional connection observed is moreso one of friendship. It’s not uncommon for the sex in add-on affairs to be unsatisfying; usually, it’s done for the sake of satisfying the other and can be quite infrquent in occurrence. Over time, the add-on affair robs the marriage or primary relationship of emotional intimacy and connection.

Starting over can help you save your marriage.

Cheating on Wife Can Put You Back At Square 1

When it comes to dealing with infidelity and cheating, many of us are aware that it can have dire consequences on a marriage or relationship. But how much of an impact is a dire impact? As our feature writer chronicles, cheating on your husband, wife or lover can literally put you at Step 1 all over again.

Saving Your Marriage After Infidelity – It is Like Starting All Over Again
By Emma Audley

Infidelity – a thrilling and adventurous escapade for many. But there is hardly any instance of an ‘affair‘ not generating pain to people concerned. But the situation is not bad all the way. More than 90% of couples, who have survived errant behaviors from a partner, confirm that it is possible for saving your marriage after infidelity!

But that still leaves the hapless 10% who may not be able to restore marital harmony again, ever. Or, even if they do survive infidelity, the restoration is only temporary; infidelity very efficiently weakens the basic foundation of marriage.

In case you are wondering whether you would succeed in saving your marriage after infidelity and whether things would get back to normal quickly – let me confess the basic truth: saving your marriage after infidelity is possible, but it is more like starting all over again. This means, that both of you have to have patience, understanding and be prepared to rebuild that lost trust brick by crick. Here are some cues for saving your marriage after infidelity taking you through the process step by step:

• Saving your marriage after infidelity essentially starts with a frank and sincere admission of guilt. This admission should never be linked to any inadequacy in the marriage which in turn is justifying the action in a way. Infidelity should be treated as a stand-alone episode, and the best way to deal with it is to de-link it from any rationale.

• This is followed by an unconditional forgiveness. This means that this episode should not ever be mentioned in your future years together. Even if memories haunt you, learn to live with it or shelve it back in the deepest crevices of your mind.

• Thereafter, saving your marriage after infidelity is a painstaking and laborious process, which goes through the usual test of trust, faithfulness and honesty. Somewhat like when you both first met. As mentioned earlier, you have to be prepared to start all over.

• It is cruel to hold the errant partner ‘guilty’ and raking up old memories can only increase the pain for all concerned. The best way to move on is to forget and forgive.

• Infidelity can be also viewed positively, if you take it as a wake-up call for both of you to take notice of the several areas of incompatibilities existing in the marriage. Saving your marriage after infidelity is possible if both of you make conscious efforts to bridge such need gaps, so that the relationship does not have to face such times again.

At the end of the day saving your marriage after infidelity can be an easier process, if there is true and sincere love and respect between the two of you. Every thing else can be taken care of.

Why is saving your marriage so important to you? Because a good marriage is one of the most treasured of human interactions. It colors everything else around us.

Visit my site at http://www.LonelinessToHappiness.com to find out how you can save your marriage and make your spouse fall in love with you again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Emma_Audley
http://EzineArticles.com/?Saving-Your-Marriage-After-Infidelity—It-is-Like-Starting-All-Over-Again&id=3328665

Should I Forgive Cheating Boyfriend? He Cheated on Me Because He Was Depressed

Hi there,

I was hoping for some advice. I have been seeing my boyfriend for just over six months and our relationship was wonderful, until he lost his job. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at first. But then he started asking for very specific things in the bedroom, and asking me to dye my hair, all of which was very odd.

He finally got a job about 3 weeks ago, and the week he started, he began shutting me out. We also stopped having sex because it became awkward. I would initiate it and he wouldn’t want to or he would instruct me. It felt like nothing I did was good enough for him. Then he stopped initiating sex and said he loved me but wasn’t sure if he fancied me anymore.

I discovered two days after the last time we had sex, he contacted another woman off a dating website and had a sexual affair. He was seeing me in between and being very loving, but no sex with me. I found out last Friday because when he dumped her, she contacted me and told me everything.

I was devastated because I felt it was so out of character for him. I spent the weekend making sure he fully understands how much he has hurt me and what he’s lost. I told him not to contact me again but I am convinced that he now gets it. He’s very confused but still really misses me and wants to be back with me having realized (finally) the massive error he has made. He has emailed a couple of times and I really miss him.

My question is whether you think it would be possible in time for me to forgive him and start again? I believe he acted this way because he was depressed and had low self-esteem because when we met he was a very happy and confident person and looking back this ebbed away during the time he was unemployed. Is it possible that depression impaired his judgment, and is that enough for me to excuse, or at least move on from his behaviour eventually? I am so confused and I am going to arrange to have counseling to work through the effect it has had on me. Thanks for any advice. Debbie x

Hi Debbie!

It seems as if you dumped your boyfriend as a form of punishment, and not because you were ready to move on. With that being said, it’s important that you take the time to reflect upon whether or not you truly want to be in a relationship with him, or you simply miss him. While 6 months is not a long time to be with someone in the grand scheme of things, it is a long enough period of time to build some sense of attachment to him, especially if you guys lived together during this period. So there’s a chance you really do miss him and long for the relationship to work, but there’s also a strong possibility that you’re simply attached to him and scared to move on.

We can’t tell you not to take him back; the choice is yours in the end. But there will have to be a lot of work done, perhaps on both his and your part, in order for this to work. Our advice varies based on your ultimate choice. Read our tips for the best ways to deal with a cheating boyfriend or survive infidelity – especially since this is so fresh.

If you take him back, put him on a probationary period. When we start a new job, employers give us 30 days to a full year to prove ourselves worthy and effective to their business. Likewise, if we’ve been on a job for a period of time but violate the workplace rules, we may be given a verbal warning and a probationary period to clean up our act before we’re canned.

The truth is, while no time in a relationship can ever be “wasted,” you can use his bad boy behavior to strengthen yourself as a woman, so that he (or any other guy you may date) knows what your boundaries are. Don’t be afraid to tell him if he wants to stay with you, he’ll have to rectify his behavior. There are so many reasons men cheat, and drastic changes of life are a big motivator. His lack of employment would have been a big motivator except for the fact that he cheated when he started a new job. Therefore, that’s not an excuse.

He also stated that he did not “know if he fancied” you anymore. That, coupled with the fact that he tried to change you, sexually and in appearance, reflects something going on within him. He’s the one who needed change, not you. But instead of being able to see the need for himself to change, he chose to project it onto you – something we’re sure didn’t feel like love (and we hope you didn’t comply!).

Let him know he has 3-6 months to get his act together. Tell him what you want to see change. Do you want him to stop making you feel insecure about your appearance and sexual prowess? Let him know. Would you appreciate more quality time? Let him know. Also advise him it would be in his best interest to be upfront and honest, so that you can believe he’s ready to have an open and loving relationship. If he cannot or does not provide this in the 6 month time period, let him know it’s been fun and show him the door.

If you choose to stay single, breathe a sigh of relief and keep walking. There’s no excuse for someone to cheat on you, especially when you’re as supportive and open as you can be. 99% of the time infidelity has to do with the cheater and not the person he cheated on – whether he cheated on you, he cheated on me, or he cheated on her. Either way, kudos to you for counseling- whether you stay or not, counseling can help you fix the negative cycles you endure in your relationship and make you a better person!

Sex to Reconnect with Cheating Spouse

Rebuilding your sexual relationship with a cheating spouse after they’ve had an affair can be a difficult situation.  Between the two of you, there’s a lot of emotion, confusion, and self-consciousness that will need to be handled in order to create a safe environment for intimacy.

A Cheating Husband May Use Sex as a Method of Intimacy

To make matters worse, sex will be as much of a rollercoaster as your feelings are. Sometimes it won’t be good enough, and there are things that should (or shouldn’t) have been done. You’ll want him to kiss you there, or not touch you at all. You’ll want him to do it right, or don’t do it at all. There will be times he’ll pull out all the stops short from swinging from a chandelier with a rose tucked between his teeth and you’ll still fall short of bliss.

For most men, sexual intimacy is one of their easiest forms of communication and reconnection, especially after an affair. Sexual intimacy doesn’t involve lots of verbal expression, but it’s still possible that sex won’t be easy for him either. He may miss his sexual relationship with the other woman, even if he’s made a clear decision to save your marriage or committed relationship. He might also find it hard to sustain an erection out of guilt or fear that if he doesn’t perform as you desire, you’ll think he’s still cheating on you. Anxiety can impede his sexual performance in other ways, making him absent-minded and uncomfortable.

On the other hand, he may also pursue you at top speed for sex, as he thinks it’s a method to prove he still loves you. Many women react unfavorably, assuming their husbands see them as a sexual object, but we implore you not to. If he primarily connected to you with sex before the affair, chances are he’ll continue to do so after the affair.

Another challenge to having sex again after an affair is dealing with the other woman. She will continue to be part of your sex life long after she’s been removed from the picture. Your husband may think longingly of her, fantasize about her or desire her and potentially feel guilt about it as well. You too, will think of her, perhaps to wonder how you compare to her, or in an angry manner. When either or both of you channel her mentally during sex, this will bring the passion in your bedroom down.

Learn to Have Sex With Your Husband & Save Your Marriage

Sex after an affair can reconnect you, or instill anxiety

Having sex after an affair is a difficult and awkward experience, wrecked with anxiety and confusion. Throughout the experience, you’ll experience a range of emotions that are incoherent and unpredictable, and pull your cheating spouse along for the ride. One night, you’ll pull your cheating husband closer; the next day you’ll push him away and withdraw. He’s annoyed and confused, but so are you. You wonder, “How am I supposed to do this again? How can I enjoy sex with a husband when he cheated on me and feel blissful about it?”In order to break past your barriers and this issue, you must completely accept these crazy ups and downs and the anxiety. Completely accepting that all of your hopes, fears, actions, thoughts and emotions will be jumbled, confused and anything but neatly organized will allow you to find a sense of peace within the turmoil. Allow all of these crazy emotions and feelings to coexist within you for now, and don’t make any excuses for it. Don’t oversimplify anything you’re feeling, and don’t discredit one emotion when the opposite emotion arises within you. Understand that fear may be ruling your judgment at the moment and allow all your beliefs to be what it is.

In You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life , Dr. Paul Coleman states that allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of your emotions and dealing with them effectively is more important than your choice to have sex.

Should you choose to have sex with your wayward spouse after he’s had a sexual affair, you can communicate your mixed emotions while asserting your decision. You can say, “I desire to intimacy with you and we’ll have sex but my heart is all over the place. I might not feel as intimate or close to you after we’ve made love, but I still want to do this.”

If you’re not interested in having sex, you can state the following: “I really want to enjoy sex with you again, but only when I feel comfortable and ready to do so. Right now, I’m not really feeling this, so let’s pass for now.”

At this stage of the game, while you’re trying to sort out your relationship and save your marriage, it’s incredibly important to accept your feelings without trying to discredit them with logic. You don’t have to express your wide range of feelings all the time; it’s actually prudent to restrain from acting on all your feelings at various times in order to keep your husband from pulling back from the relationship. (If he thinks he’s being rejected, he’ll pull back from you and you’ll take this as a sign he doesn’t care.) Make the best decision you can at the moment while still giving indications that you’re walking on eggshells and acknowledge that he’s doing the best he can.

To learn more about what you can to do to recover from infidelity and save your marriage, check out You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life and read what others have been saying about it.

Calling a Private Investigator Company for Infidelity

When a cheating boyfriend denies his bad boy behavior to his girlfriend, it literally drives a woman insane. Even with great clues, superb intuition and Nazi-style interrogation, some of the sneakiest creeps will still lie to their girlfriends.

Most men pride themselves on keeping a wall of silence up about their sexual affairs and trysts with other women, and go by the code of “Deny, deny, deny;” to be blunt, they’ll never come clean about cheating on their girlfriends, even in the face of some solid circumstantial evidence, simply because they’ll never want to deal with the consequences of an angry, betrayed woman.

So what do you do when you are 99.9% sure that he’s cheated on you, or is still sleeping with the other woman, but is too slippery and slick to pin to the wall? Most women turn to calling a private investigator company to get to the bottom of things.

A private investigator company is a company of established, usually licensed, individuals who are hired by groups or individual persons to investigate suspicious activity. A private investigor company can perform general investigations, or specialize in certain types of investigations, such as insurance claim fraud, and most especially cases which involve suspciion of cheating or adultery. Many spouses going through divorce have utilized a private investigator company to determine if the other spouse committed adultery; this can make for interesting alimony arguments during the process of reaching a divorce settlement. The popular show Cheaters, is most especially known for it’s use of private investigation companies to solve cases of suspected infidelity and adultery. (The live taped confrontations are not a normal part of private investigation services, however.)  

If you suspect your husband, boyfriend or fiance is cheating on you, and you’re sure he won’t come clean and give you the truth, even with evidence, then you may want to consider using a private investigator company to assist you. The private investigator company can perform an investigation for an hourly, or flat fee, and provide you with the chilling proof you need to solidify your claims that your boyfriend’s cheating. Be advised, these companies are not inexpensive; and quite frankly, sometimes it isn’t worth it to pay so much just to confirm your worst fears.

If you decide that private investigator services are not for you, but you still want concrete evidence and don’t mind spending money to get it, then perhaps you can check out different surveillance tactics and spy equipment for your own personal use.

Emotional Infidelity: The Silent but Deadly Threat to Your Relationship

According to statistics, approximately half to almost 95 percent of all who cheat cite emotional dissatisfaction as a motivation for stepping out on their wives. In recent years, increasing attention has been paid to a growing phenomenon known as emotional infidelity, a non-sexual, yet troubling trend in among couples dealing with infidelity.

What Is Emotional Infidelity?

Emotional infidelity is an affair of the heart that is ultimately more complex than a sexual affair. Emotional infidelity describes an intense emotional intimacy with someone other than one’s committed partner or spouse. This person usually is an acquaintance, friend or coworker with whom an emotionally unsatisfied partner shares his or her feelings on a regular basis.

Emotional affairs start off innocently at first. Two affair partners may become good friends, innocently sharing lunches, taking business trips, and indulging in the heartwarming and aggravating day-to-day aspects of their lives at home.

At first, such things appear to be a normal occurrence within the acceptable evolution of a friendship between people, particularly if the affair partner is a coworker. The more you get to know someone, the more details you share about your life and vice versa. The problem with emotional affairs, however, is that emotional cheaters feel a greater sense of intimacy with the other person than with their current partner. An emotional cheater shares a greater continuum of their emotional spectrum and perspective with the other person instead of their boyfriend or girlfriend. The deep-seated, most private, quiet and most vulnerable sides of you are no longer the property of your spouse, but are instead handed over to another person who doesn’t share a commitment with you.

M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity and The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It, is a licensed marriage counselor who has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show several times to discuss the impact of sexual and emotional infidelity on relationships. During an appearance on Oprah, Neuman expertly discusses the lethalness of emotional infidelity.

“An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside your [relationship]. We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our [relationship], the less we have inside [of it]. After a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both [people].”

Why Do Emotional Affairs Occur?

At the root of it all, emotional affairs are created to meet a key emotional need that has gone unfulfilled within the primary relationship. Maybe a wife feels her husband doesn’t listen to her enough, so she has weekly lunches with the warm-spirited gentleman in your department who pats her hand and tells her how sweet and beautiful she are. Or his girlfriend doesn’t appreciate the extra things he’s done around the house or his attempts at being more romantic, so the girl in the apartment next door comes over regularly and chops it up with him over a plate of one of her home-cooked chicken alfredo, reassuring him that he’s a great guy. Whatever the lack of emotional satisfaction is, this affair becomes a second relationship, an emotional love affair that works as filler for their somewhat more distant, but ever present current one.

Can He Fall in Love with Her?

Absolutely. The perfect recipe for turning an emotional infidelity into a sexual infidelity is accessibility, chemistry, an underlying emotional weakness or need, and a consistently increasing build upon the relationship. Remember, in an emotional infidelity, a person is already emotionally withdrawing from their primary relationship and funneling their energy into the affair, whether they consciously realize it or not.

It’s said that women are somewhat more susceptible to the emotional affair, wanting the relationship to move from friendship to true love, fantasy to reality, whereas men tend to compartmentalize their emotional affair, adding it to their lives, but not truly interested in moving on with her. Despite what is assumed, emotional bonds and emotional infidelities aren’t the sole property of either gender. Either sex in an emotional affair can feel overwhelmingly passionate feelings toward the other person, to an extent that your relationship with them can suffer – or even end when they chase what they feel is a better deal.

Starting over can help you save your marriage.

What are Signs of an Emotional Love Affair?

• Going out to dinner or other places with their friend without telling you.
• Purchasing personal gifts with extra justifications.
• Withdrawal from you (the main partner) and the relationship.
• Showing decreased interest in sexual or emotional intimacy.
• Increased preoccupation with spending time with their friend; looking forward to the next time they will see them.
• Wondering what life “would be like” if they were seriously involved with the other person.
• Insisting that the other person is just a friend – even when they refuse to let you meet them, or begin limiting contact between the two of you.
• Feeling like the other person understands them more than their spouse or girlfriend.

• Sharing more thoughts, feelings and time with the friend than the partner.

• Keeping the friendship a secret from you, the spouse, of all people.

Can I Stop Emotional Infidelity? Can I Save MyRelationship?

Confronting emotional infidelity, like any other infidelity, isn’t easy, but it is possible. You can begin by expressing your feelings about your partner’s relationship with this other person, and explaining why it doesn’t sit well with you. Perhaps talking to your partner about how you notice they seem more animated when they speak about that person or seem withdrawn from you after coming in from hanging with them will allow them to see that they may have been taking you and your relationship for granted while giving their energy elsewhere. It may also help that you remind them that they probably would not be okay if you displayed the same behaviors toward someone of the opposite sex.

After you’re done, ask them if there is something you haven’t provided them that their friend does. Listen with an open heart and mind; perhaps there are things you can do better to enrich the emotional intimacy of the relationship you have right now. Be aware things take time, and will require patience, persistence and faith to bring your relationship back on its proper course.

If, however, you decide not to confront emotional infidelity, be aware that you are passively allowing your partner to become more attached with another person, someone who may eventually take your place in his or her life. If you decide that you simply are not interested in working things out, and that this information doesn’t bother you, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the significance of your partner in your life, and prepare to move on.