What is a Down Low Man?

Picturing your man in the arms of another can completely destroy you – but try discovering that he’s been with another man, not a woman. Then what? How could you deal with that?

Many women find themselves shocked, speechless and even disgusted to find out that their lovers engage in homosexual infidelity, especially when they’ve never claimed to be homosexual or bisexual.

J. L. King Describes the Down Low Mentality

Author J. L. King, exposed this phenomenon back in 2004 with his book, On the Down Low. King states down low men come from all walks of life and cannot be “picked” out of a lineup, no matter what any person says. “DL men are part of the daily lives of all of us; they don’t stand out and can’t be picked out of a lineup or even if they’re standing in front of you.”

Down Low Men Abhor Gay and Bisexual Lifestyles

DL men do not believe they’re homosexual; in fact, many abhor and detest homosexuality or anything close to it. They don’t need or want their sexuality questioned, especially by the women in their lives. They feel they are the furthest thing from gay.

Sounds confusing, right?

Well, not in their minds. DL men don’t feel they live an openly gay lifestyle, and attribute their “homosexual” behavior as pure, “unadulterated, freaky sex” that just happens to be with another man.

King states that DL men feel they “don’t fit the stereotypical image of gay men that the media has portrayed. Gays march in parades, hang out at gay clubs, and may have gay flags on their homes and cars.” He adds that most gay men have a distinct ability to describe how they want their partners to be and what attracts them, whereas down low men are usually purely in it for the sex.

Regardless of whether it was with a man or a woman, if you’re husband or partner cheated on you, it’s imperative that you get checked out as soon as possible. Your health is the most vital treasure you can have in your life, and life is precious. Get tested, even if you’re not sure he’s been cheating, and wear condoms if you’re not sure he’s been completely faithful.

When Your Husband’s Mistress is a Man

Sexual affairs can be extremely painful to deal with if you’re the one who’s been cheated on. It’s even worse when you discover that your husband is cheating on you with other men. Here are some tips to get yourself in order as you deal with homosexual infidelity.

1. Don’t compare yourself to this other man. The prospect of a man cheating on you with another man can be scary because, let’s face it, you feel as if you have nothing to compete with when it comes to his attraction. No woman wants to be compared to another woman at all, but at least she’s going to have all the same equipment you do. A man is a completely different story – and truth be told, it’s not worth harping over.

2. Get tested IMMEDIATELY. Not to sound homophobic or hateful, but it’s been reported that an overwhelming number of women involved with men who live on the down low have an increased risk of HIV/AIDS. It’s said that because these men feel AIDS/HIV is a “gay man’s disease” and that they’re not gay (yeah, okay!) that they’re not susceptible to the disease. Don’t take any chances with your health and run to the nearest doctor.

3. Avoid sexual activity with him. Even if he were having sex with another woman, I would still recommend this. Sexual intimacy is a gift and display of trust in a loving monogamous relationship- something you thought you had with this man. This is not about punishing him for his actions – even though that would partially suffice – it’s about making sure you decrease your exposure to whatever he’s possibly contracted during behavior.

4. Clear your head and figure out what YOU want to do. Depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, you might find it hard to immediately come to a decision to leave him. There may be children, money, and other factors involved in your decision, and you need to ensure you’re level-headed and clear in your final decision to stay or leave.

5. Accept no excuses. Your husband may come out swinging when you confront him and try to justify his behavior. (This also goes for the ladies whose men have cheated with other women as well.) There is no excuse for cheating – a cheater cheats because he cannot be honest with his feelings and desires and, deep down, knows his behavior isn’t appropriate. Don’t second guess yourself in light of his nasty excuses.

6. Know that this too will pass. Life hands us some painful and random curveballs, some so bad we don’t know how or why we can continue living. As a friend once said, “Disguised blessings in life that offer opportunities for spiritual growth and alignment to love are often missed because they are presented as traumatic events.” Work through the pain one day at a time and you’ll eventually get past this hurdle as well.

High-Risk Factors for People Who Have Affairs

When it comes to affairs, many people don’t realize that there was usually a perfect storm brewing prior to the onset of the affair. Family environments and personal history are highly important factors which can ultimately influence an individual to cheat in his or her marriage/relationship. Let’s explore the dynamics of these influences and understand how you or your spouse can become vulnerable to infidelity.

Pronounced History of Infidelity within the Family

Though infidelity within the family is not a topic of conversation discussed among members, modeling is one of the most powerful forms of behavior known to man. Research has shown that infidelity appears to run down family trees and can occur in every generation if the behavior is observed and imitated.

Even if children are unaware of their family history, the tension, pain and hostility between parents can become a familiar feeling that makes them susceptible to seeking the same things in their own relationships. This can ultimately end up with the adult children living out relationships that magnify this vulnerability within their exclusive relationship or in an extramarital affair.

Single Parent or Blended Families

A family that is missing it’s original nucleus experiences difficulty filling the void that the missing parent leaves behind. Even in the best cases of having a great blended family with step-parents and stepchildren, it can take years before the nurturing and bonding needed from the right figures can be effective. People who grow up in these situations arent aware of what they’re missing and can unconsciously create experiences where they’re trying to fill that unseen void.

Abusive Families and Troubled Homes

Sex and sexuality are very comforting and soothing to men. It’s believed that men who come from angry homes see sex as a reassurant that everything is okay; that they’re okay as a person, that things will be okay in life. Men who subconsciously use sex to reassure themselves develop a compulsive habit of using it as a form of medication.

Biochemically speaking, people report the highest levels of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, after sex with their signficant other. In times of distress and need, most men feel a need or desire to make love to their wives after stress or conflict. Even if nothing has improved, most men will feel everything is okay or better after sex with someone they love and care about. Have you ever felt annoyed that your husband felt sex was the answer to every difficulty or problem in your marriage?

Your cheating husband might have been influenced by past events which spurned infidelity.

3 PERSONAL INFLUENCES THAT INCREASE POTENTIAL FOR INFIDELITY

Even with the intense familial factors which can directly influence a person’s potential to be unfaithful, there is still room for personal history and influences to make an impact.

Sexual Molestation and Abuse

Promiscuous behavior following sexual molestation and abuse usually are an attempt to work through the painful experience and shame of the events which occurred. For an abused individual, shame and sensations of pleasure regarding abusive sexual experiences create ambivalence. As a result, they may think sex is bad, and can leave them feeling emotionally unsatisfied during the act. Others can seek out a “bad” person to have sex with (in most cases, someone other than the “good spouse”) and involve themselves in affairs.

Adolescent Promiscuity

Promiscuous sexual behavior in adolescent years is heightened by the feelings of excitement and spontaneity, making those experiences idealized and wonderful. The simple and pleasant sensation seeking experiences in these years are what we most want to experience and long for once we’re older and life is more complicated than we’d like it to be.

Learning Disabilities

High-risk individuals with histories of developmental disability or other shortcomings, like ADHD, for example, have also shown heightened risk of infidelity. Nobody never seems to feel they are good enough and someone always seems to be yealling at them. Life’s difficulties seem to make them especially vulnerable, and therefore cause them to seek out nurturing experiences, even when they pretend they don’t care. They are especially vulnerable to affairs when there’s trouble at home and there are members of the opposite sex who seem to pay special attention to, listen to and support them

Babies, Funerals Cause for A Sexual Affair?

Family situations and personal challenges are unbelievably influential in whether or not someone is going to cheat, but what about personal risk? Does depression incease the possibility of your husband cheating? What if he loses his job, or someone close to him dies?

According to Christian relationship expert Dave Carders, situational factors definitely influence a person’s potential to cheat on their significant other. “Often there are situational factors that weigh heavily into the initiation of [infidelity],” he writes in his bestselling book Close Calls. “Two of these areas are high-risk times and high-risk behaviors.”

High-Risk Times

High-risk times refer to great times of stress and change in relationships. Many times, these times are life-altering and require major adjustment on one’s part in order to fully absorb the changes that are made to their routines.

Death or Loss

Death of a loved one is a common high-risk time for people. Research has indicated that spouses and couples actually experience an increase in their sex life following the death of a loved one.

Many times, both parties in the marriage or relationship will experience difficulty connecting because they’re both in mourning during this period. They may preserve their energy in order to work through the day instead of expending effort in consoling one another.

As we’ve discussed before, men have a real pattern of using sex to comfort themselves. If they’re not getting emotional support and care from their wives at home, there’s potential for them to seek outside refuge in the arms of another woman, as having sex will still release oxytocin, which comforts them and makes them feel less “alone” in times of need.

Pregnancy

There are several reasons why pregnancy carries an increased risk of infidelity in men. First and foremost, a man is adjusting to the fact that the relationship isn’t all about him anymore; he now has to share the spotlight with another person, his own child. Second, he has to spend an extra amount of time catering to the woman carrying his child for the approximately 9 weeks or so that she’s carrying the child.

To add to this, women usually go through a lot during their pregnancies. Hormones shift and change, and women can become emotionally unstable, sensitive and possess lower libidos, resulting in a lack off sexual desire. In turn, the changes which take place in the female’s body, such as weight gain, make her less visually appealing to her husband, and therefore divert his sexual desire away from her.

Once the baby comes, pressures of being a new parent add strain to the relationship. Many women experience post-partum depression, while others become completely consumed with thebaby and lose desire to connect with their partners. Resentment, stress and the need to “get away from it all” can cause an otherwise great man to cheat – all because he wants attention that he feels is no longer readily available to him.

Relationship expert and author Dave Carder discusses stressful life changes which further influence infidelity in his groundbreaking book, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. Click for unbiased reviews on Amazon.

Is Every Marriage Equally At Risk for Infidelity or A Sexual Affair?

No marriage is the same as the next, but certain types of marriages that appear to be more prone to infidelity than others. As we review them, keep in mind that while your marriage may fit into any one of these types, this does not guarantee that it will be wrecked by infidelity. Everyone’s situation is different and must be handled accordingly.

Windshield Wiper Marriages

Windshield wiper marriages are frought with bickering, criticism, teasing and open conflict and anger towards one another. As marriage expert Dave Carder writes in Close Calls, “they are like a set of windshield wipers- close in proximity, but always the same distance apart, never meeting, and therefore avoiding intimacy.”

Both husband and wife may never openly discuss this distance between each other, but it’s a silent understanding that’s maintained regularly. While these lovers may appear to be in a negative love affair, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The cycles of pain and verbal onslaught are comfortable and therefore safe to both parties, making them feel a sense of reassurance.

Although most couples work to move past certain issues, this type of couple works hard to avoid resolution; it would end the conflict. In fact, any move to change on one partner’s side will spark intense efforts from the other to pull them right back into the normal spiral of conflict.

Windshield wiper marriages will give both partners a sense of power within the relationship. If one spouse has an affair, it’s more than possible that the other will elect to have one as well, just to “get back” at them. Additionally, this method of a marriage will allow both partners to contribute to the family lifestyle without interfering with each other’s life.

Dial Tone

Dial Tones are highly predictable marriages which neatly avoid conflict. Both spouses have rigid roles in their relationship and fight to remain steadfast to them. The motto for the dial tone marriage is “peace at any price.”

Carder says that many Christian marriages can fall under this trap, as the couples seek to set a “Christian example” of how marriage and conflicts are handled. However, “the ability to treat each other with mutual respect and to be human and honest with yourself, others and God” is missing from the relationship.

Both partners may feel strangely comfortable in this routine, until that is, a dangerously attractive person appears in one of their lives. Sudden, passionate emotions bubble to the surface for the stagnant partner, and they may feel that they’re “brought back to life” again. If this spouse changes his or her behavior, the other spouse might feel puzzled, and state things such as, “Well he/she never acted like this before!”

If and when it’s discovered that the enlivened spouse has had an affair, it’s very easy for the “perfect” spouse, the one who “hasn’t changed”, to pin the blame on the cheater. But this is incorrect; according to most experts, both parties are at fault for the deterioration of this marriage.

marriages at risk for sexual affairs infidelities

Empty Nesters

Empty nest marriages involve spouses who have put everything to the side for approximately twenty years or so, after having devoted such time to raising their children. Having expended so much energy on children, one or both parents have nothing left to talk about; they’ve lost their spark along the way.

Since the marriage has lost it’s importance during the duration of child-rearing years, the future looks bleak. It’s not uncommon for a vulnerable and scared spouse to act out and seek that spark with an extramarital party. Having no idea of how vulnerable and needy they were for adult intimacy, someone can easily fall into an affair after their children leave the roost and they find it difficult to reconnect with their spouse.

What Type of Affair is He Having? Find Out Today!

There are different forms of infidelity and cheating. Not every affair is the same, but there are several types of affairs which can be placed into different categories.

One-Night Stands

One-night stands are usually casual, unplanned hookups. Unplanned in that the people may not have known each other prior to that night, but there’s a strong potential that one or both parties had every intention to have sex with someone.

One-night stands are believed to usually involve alcohol and substance abuse. One-night stands are not an attempt to create intimacy with someone else, but are self-serving. While they can be passionate, they’re usually emotionless. It’s not uncommon for someone to experience intense remorse after a one-night stand, once realization sinks in.

Entangled Affairs

These are more long-term forms of infidelity which attempt to fill an emotional or psychological need within the person. It may last for a year or two, and sexual activity may progress later on in the relationship and not exactly at the onset. Combination emotional-sexual affairs are a type of entangled affair.

Sexual Addiction

Inappropriate early sexual exposure is at the root of sexual addiction; it eventually becomes a form of acting out. Experts state this is an outcome of sex-obsessed culture, and the behavior is the person’s method of self-medicating feelings such as shame, anxiety and depression.

Women tend to eat their feelings while men turn to sex as a form of emotional comfort. Thus, most sex addicts tend to be men. Sex is the best anti-depressant to many, at least initially. Over time, the lack of emotional fulfillment can further depress the addict, as the void they attempt to fill becomes harder to satisfy.

People who are truly sexually addicted and desire to break free will more than likely have best results with the help of a 12-step program, like Sexaholics Anonymous, or from a psychologist.

Add-on Affairs

The add-on infidelity fills a specific void in the cheater’s life. The connection is initially platonic, and can start in the workplace or while the cheater’s engaging in a social activity that his spouse has no interest in. Common leisure activities where these relationships can happen include sports, religious worship and study and even hiking or camping.

Instead of being highly passionate and seen as emotionally charged, the emotional connection observed is moreso one of friendship. It’s not uncommon for the sex in add-on affairs to be unsatisfying; usually, it’s done for the sake of satisfying the other and can be quite infrquent in occurrence. Over time, the add-on affair robs the marriage or primary relationship of emotional intimacy and connection.

Is her man serving up more than drinks?

2 Years Later, I Still Don’t Trust Him

Hello. I have been with my current boyfriend for almost two years. Three months into the relationship, I found out he had had a girlfriend that lived out of town for about a year at the same time, telling me he was going out to see friends and family. When I found out about this, he completely broke it off with the other girl, saying he wanted to work on our relationship with me. With much hesitation and confusion, I eventually accepted as long as he had no contact with this girl. Since then, things have been pretty rocky and I do not know that I will ever be able to trust him again! He is a bartender, so flirting is part of his “job” I guess and that is one reason why the trust is such an issue. He has not cheated since then (that I know about) and swears he wants to spend his life with me. How do I get past all this and accept it as a “slip”???

Concerned and Confused:

We certainly agree that you’re concerned, but drop the “confused”. You’ve been with him for two years and found out about his infidelity three months into dating him. If you weren’t interested in staying with him, it wouldn’t have taken almost 21 months to figure things out. Suffice it to say, the time has come and gone for you to get over what happened in the beginning, especially if you want to move forward in partnered bliss with this man. Therefore, the question isn’t “how to get past” his cheating, but instead “How to re-establish trust in him.”

You cannot accept his infidelity as a “slip”, because it wasn’t a one-time incident. Slips are moreso accidental f*ck-ups . A slip-up is when a man’s drunk and has a one night stand, or he has a no-strings-attached hookup after you guys argue. Additionally, slips are unplanned and usually come with lots of regret. (Not that this makes things acceptable.) What he had was a consistent series of trysts with another woman. He deliberately lied to you each and every time he was going to see her as well, making this anything but a “mistake.” If anything, the fact that he got caught acting a fool with this woman is the mistake.

Since you took him back, we can assume that whatever he said and did to regain favor worked. Whether he begged for you to give him one more chance, or sent you roses everyday for a week, you decided to give him another opportunity to make things work in the relationship. It was at this point that you should have started the hard work required on your part to open yourself up to trusting him – and from what it sounds like, you haven’t, and are actually still stuck in the past, which isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship. If anything, your lack of trust and unwillingness to move forward is a black hole sucking the energy from your connection.

You want to move past this infidelity? Here’s some tough love on how to do so:

1. Acknowledge What Happened. Stop trying to rationalize his sexual infidelity as a “slip”. Process it for what it was: a shameless affair with another woman that stopped once he realized that you weren’t having it.

2. Accept the reality that this happened… and acknowledge that it’s hurt you. This doesn’t mean that you forget this happened, or use this opportunity to play the victim again. It means that you emotionally accept the reality of what your man did, and resolve to move forward maturely.

3. Get over his job as it relates to you. Yes, he’s a bartender and may flirt a little as a part of his job, but that doesn’t mean he has to flirt or that he will cheat on you again. You tell us, aside from his job, he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, which is an indication that he’s doing what he needs to, leading to my last piece of advice…

4. You Either Want Him Or You Don’t – Hurry Up and Decide. Again, 21 months … 2 years is a long time to be with someone you’re not sure about. He’s well-past what happened with the two of you, has made amends, and says he wants to spend his life with you, while in the meanwhile, you’re still trying to “get past” what happened.

Truthfully speakiing, if you want to get past what happened, you can and will- but only if you do the work and start to trust him again. If he’s not worth your trust by now, then it’s a clear sign that he never will be and neither of you will be happy together. With love, Elle P

Is He Cheating on Me? Find Out This Christmas

10 Ways to Tell if He’s Cheating on You

It’s the most wonderful time of the year….well…for some of us.

Many of us know that we tend to spend holidays, birthdays, and special occasions with those who are truly significant, important, and add value to our lives.  Christmas is no exception; in fact, it is THE holiday when women determine they are the Only One in their significant other’s life.

I hear stories all year long from women talking about this guy and that guy, but when it comes to the holidays, especially the Christmas holiday, he’s nowhere to be found and she’s sitting at home alone watching ‘Home Alone’ (pun intended).  Women also, tend to consider some acknowledgement during the holidays as genuine care and concern, which is why a lot of men tend to get away with their cheating ways. In my honest opinion, if you two do not spend the entire day together, chances are he needed his time apart to let someone else know how important they are.

Here are KI’s Top Ten signs that you’re not the only one this Christmas:

10. You receive a mass “Merry Christmas” text message or yahoo greeting card that doesn’t even include your name.

9. He doesn’t call, come by, mail a gift, or even send a text/email.

8.  He doesn’t come by until later that night, or only stays no longer than a half hour during that day.

7. Finding a gift, days before Christmas that YOU THINK is for you, and then when Christmas day arrives you don’t receive it…….

6. The gift he did purchase for you is very generic and has no sentimental value.

5.  He starts a fight right before Christmas and doesn’t call you until days after.

4. He suddenly has to go “somewhere” and he doesn’t want to take you.

3.  He lies and says he’s hanging with the guys for the remainder of the evening. You call one of the “guys” and they have no clue what you’re talking about; nor have they heard from him all day.

2. He wants to spend Christmas with his kids. This can be tricky depending on the level of the relationship, but proceed with caution.

1.  He suddenly converts to a non-Christian religion but back to the paganism come NYE.

So ladies, recognize the signs not only this Christmas, but for the other holidays, birthdays, and special events and occasions throughout the year.  Of course, we’re all adult enough to know there are exceptions to every rule, but don’t make exceptions, excuses, or ignore the obvious. Have a very special, safe, and blessed holiday season.

Merry CHRISTmas and Happy New Year!!!

Your  Friend,

KenyaInez

Refusing Therapy to Save Your Marriage

After promising do anything to save your marriage, your husband may have agreed to attend marital counseling. During the initial stages of the sessions, he seems attentive and open to the situation, but as time goes on, he becomes more withdrawn and even irate about the sessions. Before you know it, he’s changed his tune, refusing to undergo anymore counseling and doesn’t want to discuss it.

Marriage counseling is a good opportunity for couples to work through their issues under the direction of an unbiased party. Marital counseling will help a couple discover what brought them to the painful crossroads in their relationships. In counseling sessions, alliances are formed between you, your spouse and the therapist, and they all abide by the belief that you are unique individuals who are to be looked at individually and as a couple.

Counseling sessions are by no means easy to deal with. The truth about how you both feel may be brutal to face, and some nerves may be struck. However,  you and your husband should feel comfortable in your therapist’s presence to let these harsh thoughts and deep feelings out and resolve to work through them together. If you find that your husband becomes stubborn and unreceptive to the counseling, ask him what the problem is. Perhaps he feels as if your marriage and its problems are private, and shouldn’t be worked out in front of others, therapists included. There’s also the possibility that he relives feelings of guilt from his affairs in every counseling session and doesn’t want to deal with that feeling. We can’t tell you what his exact thoughts are; the possibilities are endless.

If you feel that you’re making excellent progress in your marriage counseling together, try to encourage your wayward husband to work through the complications he’s feeling. Be honest about the fact that you feel marital counseling is helping your relationship and mention that you’re proud of his efforts.

If He Doesn’t Like the Therapist Environment

Should your husband state that he’s open to working on the marriage, but that the problem is the environment – he doesn’t like the counselor, for example- then this will probably require rectification in order to keep things afloat. Ask him what he doesn’t like about the therapist and their office.  Maybe the office is too cold. Perhaps he feels judged by the therapist and presumes that the counselor empathizes with you as a victim of infidelity. Offer him the opportunity to switch out your current therapist and find someone who seems to fully engage the both of you in your sessions.

If you discover that your husband truly just isn’t interested in marriage counseling, but doesn’t have any other possible solutions to help rebuild your relationship, this may be a sign that he’s just not as invested in the marriage as you are. At that point, it’s time to re-evaluate your options.