Divorce After Infidelity: Public Relations 101

Divorce after infidelity sucks, but the trick to maintaining your sanity is keeping your public relations game in check. Notoriously tight-lipped about the intimate details of their marriage, power couple Jay-Z and Beyonce’s PR team is so rehearsed that you don’t even know if they’ve ever fought over someone leaving the cap off the toothpaste.

You might not be able to borrow the mega-couple’s platinum PR team to publicly control your image as news of your divorce spreads, but don’t worry! Wielding control over your public image when it comes to dealing with people who wish to pry for information about you or your spouse’s infidelities and the details of your divorce is simple when you follow these six rules.

6 PR Rules to Publicly Divorce Cheating Spouse

1. Apply the KISS principle: Keep It Simple for the Stupid. Keep your emotional delivery neutral and avoid giving the messy details. You might feel initially relieved to reveal the pain you’ve been feeling after dealing with sexual/emotional infidelity, but this can backfire. Keeping a neutral appearance throughout your divorce allows you to save face and look graceful under fire. Besides, you want a fast easy divorce and this will only make things more complicated when people expect to know more than they need to.

2. Spare the Details. People will ask millions of questions about your pending divorce, especially if they know sexual or emotional affairs were factors leading up to it. Safely assume that while some people ask out of sincere interest for you, most people are simply interested in using your situation as entertainment. Therefore, don’t give up “the dirt;” let them think what they want while you adjust to your new life.  People have several influences for cheating… and it’s none of their business to know what’s going on behind closed doors.

3. Keep Your Divorce Off Facebook and Twitter. Constantly updating others about your divorce is not only a foolish choice but carries dire consequences when sites like Facebook and Twitter are involved. Social networking sites have come a long way, but are still extremely viral; something you say – even if you post it for a split second in the heat of the moment– can spread like wildfire within minutes and live on the internet forever. Even if you delete it, someone’s always got it saved somewhere. Avoid volunteering up-to-the-minute information offline as well.

4. Maintain and Practice Your Public Relations Skills. Develop a couple of sentences or even craft a personal statement regarding what you want people to know about your divorce after infidelity. Rehearse it at home until you feel confident enough to use it in public. Don’t go off the beaten path of this statement unless you absolutely must – and if you do, make sure it’s in private with those who you can totally trust.

5. Develop a Thick Skin. People are notorious for being obnoxious, providing unwanted commentary when you least desire or expect it. You’ll find people will have plenty of negative things to say about your divorce. They’ll add personal commentary on you or your cheating spouse’s sexual affairs and emotional infidelities too, if they’re aware of any. Remember that people tend to speak recklessly, and their inflammatory accusations and obscene commentary are reflections of their mentality. Let their projections be just that, and keep moving forward.

6. Shield Yourself and Your Family. Depending on how well-known your family is, it may be necessary to take a step back from the public eye during your divorce. Your family may feel intense stress from external pressures, such as a highly invasive social circle. If you have children, they might feel extra aggravation at school where peers may question or tease them for what’s going on. Protect your family’s privacy at all costs when necessary to preserve dignity and sanity for everyone.

Divorce after infidelity is painful to experience. No matter how bad it had gotten, you never really knew – or felt – it would ever come to this. However, these essential divorce tips for women can assist you in getting through what is arguably the toughest period of your life. They were written by a woman who experienced a heartbreaking divorce after over 20 years of marriage, so she understands your pain. In addition to this, you can also find great tips for dating after divorce or going from dreary, depressed divorcee to dazzling sexy divorcee!

What Type of Affair is He Having? Find Out Today!

There are different forms of infidelity and cheating. Not every affair is the same, but there are several types of affairs which can be placed into different categories.

One-Night Stands

One-night stands are usually casual, unplanned hookups. Unplanned in that the people may not have known each other prior to that night, but there’s a strong potential that one or both parties had every intention to have sex with someone.

One-night stands are believed to usually involve alcohol and substance abuse. One-night stands are not an attempt to create intimacy with someone else, but are self-serving. While they can be passionate, they’re usually emotionless. It’s not uncommon for someone to experience intense remorse after a one-night stand, once realization sinks in.

Entangled Affairs

These are more long-term forms of infidelity which attempt to fill an emotional or psychological need within the person. It may last for a year or two, and sexual activity may progress later on in the relationship and not exactly at the onset. Combination emotional-sexual affairs are a type of entangled affair.

Sexual Addiction

Inappropriate early sexual exposure is at the root of sexual addiction; it eventually becomes a form of acting out. Experts state this is an outcome of sex-obsessed culture, and the behavior is the person’s method of self-medicating feelings such as shame, anxiety and depression.

Women tend to eat their feelings while men turn to sex as a form of emotional comfort. Thus, most sex addicts tend to be men. Sex is the best anti-depressant to many, at least initially. Over time, the lack of emotional fulfillment can further depress the addict, as the void they attempt to fill becomes harder to satisfy.

People who are truly sexually addicted and desire to break free will more than likely have best results with the help of a 12-step program, like Sexaholics Anonymous, or from a psychologist.

Add-on Affairs

The add-on infidelity fills a specific void in the cheater’s life. The connection is initially platonic, and can start in the workplace or while the cheater’s engaging in a social activity that his spouse has no interest in. Common leisure activities where these relationships can happen include sports, religious worship and study and even hiking or camping.

Instead of being highly passionate and seen as emotionally charged, the emotional connection observed is moreso one of friendship. It’s not uncommon for the sex in add-on affairs to be unsatisfying; usually, it’s done for the sake of satisfying the other and can be quite infrquent in occurrence. Over time, the add-on affair robs the marriage or primary relationship of emotional intimacy and connection.

Myths about Cheating

There are many myths floating around the rumor mill about the facts surrounding a creeping partner. Some people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But is this clichéd sentiment really true? Let’s reveal some truth and kill a few myths about cheating.

Myth: People cheat because there’s something wrong in the relationship.

Truth: Despite sexist generalizations, people cheat for different reasons.

One prevalent myth is that people only cheat when they are unhappy at home. This is not entirely false, but is not always true either. Women are typically said to cheat because of dissatisfaction, while men are more often said to cheat out of curiosity, or boredom.

While there are plenty of men and women who fit into these thoughts and roles, the truth is most people cheat for varying reasons. A man can cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction and a woman can cheat for sexual variety.

Myth: Men cheat more than women do.

Truth: Women are just as likely to cheat as men are.  

Another popular falsehood about cheating is that men cheat more often than women do. Truthfully speaking, women have become more independent and it has changed the way they view getting a little sugar on the side. Some women even think they deserve to have more freedom because of the high stress levels that come with combining work and family life. Others just feel, post-Sexual Revolution, that it’s their prerogative to be sexually forward with their desires and to chase them at any costs, just as men do.

Myth: Affairs are all about the sex.

Truth: Most reasons for cheating contain an element of emotional dissatisfaction- for both sexes.

Have you ever heard that affairs were purely and physical thing, and all about sex? This isn’t true either. Often times, affairs are means of emotional compensation. Some relationships, without sex are often so emotionally intimate that they are equally as inappropriate as physical trysts.

Now that we’ve gone through one of the myths, remember that there are ways you can work to reduce the likelihood of infidelity in your relationship. Maintaining a completely honest relationship will help reduce miscommunications and hurt feelings. Take time, on a regular basis, to show your partner that you appreciate them.

On a final note, if you have been feeling vulnerable or upset, or have been considering an affair, do not drink when you are in possibly tempting situations. This will help keep you from doing anything regrettable.

Does it Make Any Sense to Get Your Wife Back After She Has Had an Affair?
By Emma Audley

should i get my wife back when she cheated on me

This is a question which haunts many husbands when their wives’ infidelity has made a dent in the relationship. You are overwhelmed by this dilemma – should you or should you not get your wife back – particularly when she has hurt your feelings so much and has played with your implicit trust in her. Such mental trauma is understandable.

But even if you love your wife very dearly, before you finally decide to get your wife back, there are some soul-searching which is required, if you want to put your marriage back on track:

• Is this is the first time that she has had an affair after marriage?

• You want your wife back – but does she also want to get back to you?

• If you want to know how to get your wife back after an affair, you have to know for sure, whether the affair was a fall out of existing gaps in your marriage.

• Did she voluntarily admit to the affair and apologize for the mistake?

• Are you completely sure that your love for her is strong enough to pardon her errant behavior and accept her back again?

When you do the soul searching, on your way to get your wife back you also have to bear in mind the following:

• Obviously, the affair is a result of some existing need gaps in your marriage. She has sought for things which you are unable to provide. These could be anything from mental compatibility, financial security to physical inadequacies.

• If you are aware of the inadequacies and imbalances which are affecting the marriage, are you prepared to ‘change’ for the sake of getting your wife back? Many of these changes could involve completely altering the way you look at life, your habits, lifestyle choices as well as behaviors.

• There are enough instances, where husbands have accepted their wives back, after an affair and they have found happiness and congeniality in their marriage. This is because they have taken the affair as a wake-up call to sit up and notice the underlying problems affecting the relationship. Are you viewing your wife’s affair similarly?

In short, it does make sense to get your wife back, provided you are capable of pardoning her simply for the sake of love and nothing else, like ensuing loneliness, kids, home management, etc. The pardon has to be unconditional and both of you have to work double-time to rebuild the lost trust. Once again, you have to have implicit faith in her and rely on the love and respect that you share. Only then getting your wife back makes sense.

Why is saving your marriage so important to you? Because a good marriage is one of the most treasured of human interactions. It colors everything else around us.

Visit my site at http://www.LonelinessToHappiness.com to find out how you can save your marriage after infidelity and make your spouse fall in love with you again.

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Sex to Reconnect with Cheating Spouse

Rebuilding your sexual relationship with a cheating spouse after they’ve had an affair can be a difficult situation.  Between the two of you, there’s a lot of emotion, confusion, and self-consciousness that will need to be handled in order to create a safe environment for intimacy.

A Cheating Husband May Use Sex as a Method of Intimacy

To make matters worse, sex will be as much of a rollercoaster as your feelings are. Sometimes it won’t be good enough, and there are things that should (or shouldn’t) have been done. You’ll want him to kiss you there, or not touch you at all. You’ll want him to do it right, or don’t do it at all. There will be times he’ll pull out all the stops short from swinging from a chandelier with a rose tucked between his teeth and you’ll still fall short of bliss.

For most men, sexual intimacy is one of their easiest forms of communication and reconnection, especially after an affair. Sexual intimacy doesn’t involve lots of verbal expression, but it’s still possible that sex won’t be easy for him either. He may miss his sexual relationship with the other woman, even if he’s made a clear decision to save your marriage or committed relationship. He might also find it hard to sustain an erection out of guilt or fear that if he doesn’t perform as you desire, you’ll think he’s still cheating on you. Anxiety can impede his sexual performance in other ways, making him absent-minded and uncomfortable.

On the other hand, he may also pursue you at top speed for sex, as he thinks it’s a method to prove he still loves you. Many women react unfavorably, assuming their husbands see them as a sexual object, but we implore you not to. If he primarily connected to you with sex before the affair, chances are he’ll continue to do so after the affair.

Another challenge to having sex again after an affair is dealing with the other woman. She will continue to be part of your sex life long after she’s been removed from the picture. Your husband may think longingly of her, fantasize about her or desire her and potentially feel guilt about it as well. You too, will think of her, perhaps to wonder how you compare to her, or in an angry manner. When either or both of you channel her mentally during sex, this will bring the passion in your bedroom down.

What is Sexual Infidelity? How Bad Is It?

Sexual affairs are the most commonly recognized affairs. In his book, You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life, Paul Coleman, PsyD, suggests that while purely sexual affairs can be truly “gut wrenching,” they’re usually less complicated to deal with in comparison to emotional affairs or sexual-emotional affairs. Though popular thought states that men are more likely to engage in sexual affairs, it’s a misconception. Women are just as capable of having sexual affairs like men.

Why do Sexual Affairs Happen?

Whether a one night stand or a long term affair, sexual affairs are usually said to be borne from a desire for sexual gratification, but can occur for several reasons.  Some who are caught cheating state that they had a “moment of weakness,” which may include being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. An engaged man may sleep with his ex-girlfriend just to make sure “he still doesn’t have feelings for her” while preparing to marry his current fiancée. Sometimes, the chemistry is there, and a woman may figure it’s safe to have a secret fling “just one time” to see how good it would be.

The reasons continue. An otherwise-faithful spouse experiences the “seven year itch” when sex at home become stales and predictive. A newlywed couple might feel the novelty of their relationship has worn off within the first year of marriage, and both stray because they feel “stuck.” A common strain on marriages, the birth of the first baby, can also spur infidelity. Couples have been known to experience distance from one another as the family dynamic shifts. Witnessing his wife give birth can create a loss of the husband’s sexual attraction to his wife. Or the still amorous husband may feel closer and more aroused by his wife, but find that she’s no longer interested in sex. To meet his needs, he discreetly fulfills them elsewhere.

Despite cheating on you (possibly without a condom), your cheating boyfriend will plead with you tooth-and-nail for forgiveness, trying to convince you that you’re the one for him. “She meant nothing to me. I never loved her,” he’ll say. “She was just sex. It was just sex. You’re the one I want. I love you more than anything and you mean the world to me.” Unfortunately, these words don’t assuage the searing pain of discovery once you learn all he’s done to conceal the affair from your knowledge. Those actions drove an invisible wedge into your relationship’s intimacy long before you even knew the truth, erasing your trust in him.

What about Cybersex and Pornography? Isn’t that a Type of Sexual Affair as Well?

While sexual affairs can also include online infidelity, cybersex, phone sex and use of pornography, for now we’ll say that sexual involvement with anyone other than the committed spouse of beau can be considered sexual infidelity, especially if preventative measures are taken by the cheater to keep their activities a secret.

What Are Signs of Sexual Affairs?

• New use of prescription or over the counter sexual aids, such as Viagra.New, unexplained use of birth control or condoms.
• Discovery or loss of clothing, such as another woman’s clothes in his glove compartment, or his favorite T-shirt missing in the laundry.
• Unexplained hiding of clothes or sudden interest in doing the laundry
• Mysterious stains or scents on clothing and underwear (lipstick on his collar, vaginal scent on his underwear.)
• Unaccounted time and disappearing acts. For example, going to the store for a simple item yet taking over an hour to come back.
• A sudden change in sex drive where your lover’s normal sex drive increases or decreases beyond the norm.
• Sudden changes in sexual behavior. New interests in different sexual experiments.
• Unexpectedly renewed interest in physical appearance. Example: a slightly overweight or unfit woman may take up diet and exercise, and get a makeover.
• Excessive showering, especially as soon as they get home.
• Partner is not as accessible during certain times of the day, such as when they are supposed to be at work.
• Working extra hours – but you never see the extra money.
• Random change of character, specifically making the person more introverted, quiet and private.
• Intuition – that “gut feeling” that something is wrong. You don’t know how, but you know.
• Not being able to maintain/sustain and erection. Trouble ejaculating.
• Being “too tired” to have sex with you.
• Accusing you of cheating.

Can Sexual Infidelity Be Forgiven? Should I Take Him Back?

Any infidelity can be forgiven. Forgiveness is for the forgiver not the forgived, and is essential for surviving infidelity.

Whether or not you should take a cheater back depends on whether or not you feel you’ll be able to trust your cheating husband/wife again, among other things. You will need to know whether or not the events were a part of a bigger problem within the relationship, or simply a part of his potentially philandering character. Was this one night stand the first and only time they’ve cheated, or have you had nagging suspicions and this is the first time you’ve caught them?  Is your husband usually reliable, waiting patiently for that “headache” or “lockjaw” of yours to go away, and then gave up in a moment of weakness after a long sexual drought? Does your wife or girlfriend feel entitled to have someone else finish the job you started if you aren’t able to? Does your partner feel entitled to seeking sexual satisfaction at any cost, without regard to your feelings?

It’s safe to say that, in the grand scheme of things, one of the biggest indicators of whether or not a relationship can be saved depends on the cheater’s attempt at damage control. A truly remorseful cheater will not only beg for forgiveness, they will be open to almost anything that you require to show that they are sorry for the pain they’ve caused. Whether that means a loss of freedoms, long counseling sessions or buying you a new car (it’s happened), a person who truly cares will put their ego to the side. On the other hand, someone who feels justified in their behavior will be more likely to deflect blame, or deny being completely guilty. They might be quite comfortable with the bed they’ve made, whether you stay or go. Should you stay, more than likely, they will feel you’re accepting of their behavior, and things will not change.

These thoughts also don’t take into account extra factors, such as children, lifestyle, religious beliefs, moral values, etc. Therefore, at the end of the day, you must analyze your relationship to see what will work best for you.

FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: Due to the nature of sexual affairs, it will also be best to immediately get tested for any and all STDs, including AIDS. Your partner may or may not have had protection, putting you at risk. Get tested regularly and immediately resume use of condoms, birth control and other sexual protection if you decide to sleep with this person again.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider adding Dr. Coleman’s book,You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life to your personal library.

My Wife Cheated on Me. Would an Open Relationship Help Us Sexually?

I’ve been married to my wife for over 5 years, but we’ve been in a relationship for 8. Our sex life has always been wonderful in my opinion, but after having kids, everything changed. My wife complained that there was never enough time or energy left for us to have sex, and only had sex with me once in a blue to “get it over with.” I recently found out she’d been sleeping with another man while refusing to have sex with me.

She says she’s remorseful that she cheated, but says it’s because our sex life has become routine and boring. She said she still loves me but wants to continue to have the freedom to sleep with other men. The thought of my wife with another man kills me, but I want our marriage to work. Would an open relationship help us sexually?

Our hearts go out to you in this difficult time. The short answer for your question is no.

We feel the problem in your marriage isn’t the sex; it’s just manifested through sex. Chances are opening the relationship will only invite more trouble. It will be a temporary cosmetic facelift covering an unresolved issue.

You see, despite how much sex is involved with affairs, it’s not the motivating force for most cheaters. Affairs usually cater to the betrayer’s need to escape from or acquire something they feel is missing, usually within themselves or their primary relationship. The tricky part is, it’s hard to determine exactly what this person is seeking or eluding- they themselves usually don’t know.

If the infidelity truly has roots in sexual dissatisfaction, especially post-marriage and child-bearing, your wife may have stopped feeling desirable and sexual due to the Madonna/Whore complex. The Madonna/Whore complex is a psychological complex where a person (usually male) develops trouble having a combined respect for a woman who is both loving and motherly and sexual. This person may separate women into categories, viewing “idealized” good women into sacred, non-sexual, virtuous women, and placing sexualized, liberated women into a “touchable” category.

This complex can deeply affect how a man relates to his wife, or a woman relates to herself or her husband. A man, for example, may love and adore his wife, yet find that he’s lost the ability to see her in a sexual manner, especially if she’s mothered his children. This man may have a string of affairs with other women whom are not necessarily more attractive than his wife, but are sexually stimulating, because their primary role for him is sexual gratification.
A woman may find that, once she’s married a man, she feels pressured to appear more sexually reserved and pure, in order to live up to societal pressures on what the “role” of a “virtuous, pure” wife entails. Now that I’m a married mother with children, I shouldn’t be thinking of sexual satisfaction with my husband, she may think. I have to focus on raising my children, being a great mother and doing everything for my family. Appealing to my husband’s desire for sex- much less my own- would be wholly inappropriate, and not something a good wife does. Only bad wives and whores are concerned with sex.

 
Now, if this feeling is truly reflects your wife’s sentiments, she might have compartmentalized her sexuality in response. These actions have nothing to do with you, and everything about how she considers her role in the family unit according to learned beliefs and values. Since she would feel it’s inappropriate to be sexually satisfied as a wife, she’ll be more inclined to desire an extramarital partner as an outlet to enjoy that gratification without “challenging” her role in your marriage. In her mind, she’s your good, chaste wife, but his unrestrained sexual partner.
Now, if you want to continue rebuilding your marriage with your wife, it will take a lot of work. First of all, she’s shattered your trust in her as a committed and honest partner. There is a broken bridge of trust that will require a long reconstruction period, even if you plan to allow each other sexual freedom. Your wife will have to work hard to show that she’s trustworthy and willing to do the hard work required to make this marriage work.

There’s a great possibility that you not only feel betrayed, but are experiencing a great mix of emotions including humiliation and emasculation, that you don’t feel comfortable expressing to anyone you know. This may especially include your wife; after all, she’s the one who triggered these emotions. This is fine and completely normal.
We suggest that you consider counseling, either with a trusted marriage advisor in your house of worship or an accredited national therapist. You can choose to seek help with your spouse, alone or both, and work towards understanding the events that took place and how they have affected you. Counseling can help one or both of you realize the importance of redeveloping an open environment for honest communication, something that will be required even if your wife decides she wants an open marriage.

Now if after all else, your wife still wants an open marriage, you will have to decide whether or not that is something you can live with. An open marriage sounds like a convenient solution, but it can be open up a new can of worms. Most spouses would never want to see their husband/wife sexually involved with someone other than them, and insecurity can create an obsession with whether or not the other person is doing something they themselves can’t. Oftentimes, if both parties aren’t up for the situation, the end result is disaster and further disintegration of the marriage.
If you decide you’re interested in trying an open marriage, have a thorough discussion about your partner concerning all the rules of engagement in this situation. Is she only allowed to have two or three partners at a time? Will you have to pre-approve who she sleeps with? What sexual activities are off limits? What will happen when the other parties want something more than sex? How will emotional attachments be handled?
If you decide you’re not interested in an open marriage, be firm in telling your wife that you will not tolerate such an arrangement, but that you’re more than willing to do what it takes to recapture the flames that have been lost and improve the relationship that the two of you have. Let her know what your alternatives are. Either way, you have as much right to assert your desires as she does. You both have a right to be happy and discover a peaceable solution.

What Do You Want to Do?

Learn more about swinging and open marriages.

Save My Marriage and Get My Husband/Wife Back!

I Want to Attract a Loving Partner.