Infidelity Expert Ruth Purple Explains Men’s Lies

Men can tell a whole lot of lies just to keep you hanging around, if you hear one or more of these lies, it’s time to turn away.

“I don’t love my wife anymore.” This is one of the most common lies married men tell simply because there is no concrete way of proving this to you. You just have to take Pinocchio’s word for it. If he throws you this line, tell him to man- up, settle his rut before whoring around.

“We’re only in the marriage for the children.” This is the perfect excuse married men tell, because somehow it triggers the sympathy factor- a noble act of giving-up his own happiness for the children’s sake. This is all trash, if he is really a good father as he is trying to imply, then he should be at home, trying to be a good role model to his children and making things right with his children’s mother rather than trying to get to bed with you.

“We’re not having sex anymore.” Or “We’re not sleeping together for a long time.” Then there must be a good reason, and if things are that bad at home, then why is he still there? If he is trying to work on his lousy marriage, then why is he being smooth with you? It just does not add up. Do not fall for it.
“We really want a divorce, but we can’t afford it.” Married men who use this line must be from, “Loserville.” He cannot afford a divorce, but he can afford to have an affair with you. You must be as stupid as he is to fall for this line.
“I’m leaving her soon.” Or “I’m leaving her as soon as…” Usually, married men use this line when they sense that you are slowly pulling away. Remember, if he wanted to leave his wife, he could have done it way back when he realized their marriage is not working.

Married men are bored and they need distractions; they want someone who can ease up their tensions. They are not looking for relationships; they are not looking for “you and me forever,” they just want someone to play around with, at the end of the day; they go home to the people that matter to their life, and that is not you.

About the author

The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth recently published an easy to follow course on how to get your cheating spouse back. More info about this “Winning Your Man Back From Infidelity” program is available HERE.

Divorce After Infidelity: Public Relations 101

Divorce after infidelity sucks, but the trick to maintaining your sanity is keeping your public relations game in check. Notoriously tight-lipped about the intimate details of their marriage, power couple Jay-Z and Beyonce’s PR team is so rehearsed that you don’t even know if they’ve ever fought over someone leaving the cap off the toothpaste.

You might not be able to borrow the mega-couple’s platinum PR team to publicly control your image as news of your divorce spreads, but don’t worry! Wielding control over your public image when it comes to dealing with people who wish to pry for information about you or your spouse’s infidelities and the details of your divorce is simple when you follow these six rules.

6 PR Rules to Publicly Divorce Cheating Spouse

1. Apply the KISS principle: Keep It Simple for the Stupid. Keep your emotional delivery neutral and avoid giving the messy details. You might feel initially relieved to reveal the pain you’ve been feeling after dealing with sexual/emotional infidelity, but this can backfire. Keeping a neutral appearance throughout your divorce allows you to save face and look graceful under fire. Besides, you want a fast easy divorce and this will only make things more complicated when people expect to know more than they need to.

2. Spare the Details. People will ask millions of questions about your pending divorce, especially if they know sexual or emotional affairs were factors leading up to it. Safely assume that while some people ask out of sincere interest for you, most people are simply interested in using your situation as entertainment. Therefore, don’t give up “the dirt;” let them think what they want while you adjust to your new life.  People have several influences for cheating… and it’s none of their business to know what’s going on behind closed doors.

3. Keep Your Divorce Off Facebook and Twitter. Constantly updating others about your divorce is not only a foolish choice but carries dire consequences when sites like Facebook and Twitter are involved. Social networking sites have come a long way, but are still extremely viral; something you say – even if you post it for a split second in the heat of the moment– can spread like wildfire within minutes and live on the internet forever. Even if you delete it, someone’s always got it saved somewhere. Avoid volunteering up-to-the-minute information offline as well.

4. Maintain and Practice Your Public Relations Skills. Develop a couple of sentences or even craft a personal statement regarding what you want people to know about your divorce after infidelity. Rehearse it at home until you feel confident enough to use it in public. Don’t go off the beaten path of this statement unless you absolutely must – and if you do, make sure it’s in private with those who you can totally trust.

5. Develop a Thick Skin. People are notorious for being obnoxious, providing unwanted commentary when you least desire or expect it. You’ll find people will have plenty of negative things to say about your divorce. They’ll add personal commentary on you or your cheating spouse’s sexual affairs and emotional infidelities too, if they’re aware of any. Remember that people tend to speak recklessly, and their inflammatory accusations and obscene commentary are reflections of their mentality. Let their projections be just that, and keep moving forward.

6. Shield Yourself and Your Family. Depending on how well-known your family is, it may be necessary to take a step back from the public eye during your divorce. Your family may feel intense stress from external pressures, such as a highly invasive social circle. If you have children, they might feel extra aggravation at school where peers may question or tease them for what’s going on. Protect your family’s privacy at all costs when necessary to preserve dignity and sanity for everyone.

Divorce after infidelity is painful to experience. No matter how bad it had gotten, you never really knew – or felt – it would ever come to this. However, these essential divorce tips for women can assist you in getting through what is arguably the toughest period of your life. They were written by a woman who experienced a heartbreaking divorce after over 20 years of marriage, so she understands your pain. In addition to this, you can also find great tips for dating after divorce or going from dreary, depressed divorcee to dazzling sexy divorcee!

Ending Marriage? Prepare for Divorce

You’re getting ready for a long awaited couples-only dinner party with your spouse. As you put the finishing touches on your outfit and reach for your keys, they stand in the doorway with the look on their face, one that signals trouble in paradise.

Caught off guard, you briefly pause and ask, “Honey, is everything okay?”

They shift their gait, loudly gulping for air. “I don’t think I’m going to make it to this party, hon.”

Brows furrowing in annoyance, you’re not interested in any silly games right now, especially seeing as you’re both dressed and ready to walk out the door. “It’s too late for that. Stop playing and get in the car.”

“No. I can’t do this,” they continue cautiously, avoiding eye contact. “I … I want a divorce.”

Your breath draws sharply. You expected any other reason from them not to go, perhaps to watch the game, or simply because they don’t feel like dinner. Yet, deep down you know better.

Deep down, you anticipated this; the day where either you or your cheating spouse would put an end to unhappy, miserable marriage and file for divorce. Still, you can’t help but feel shocked by the revelation. Truthfully speaking, this isn’t an abnormal reaction. Nobody can truly prepare themselves to acknowledge that their “relationship failed,” no matter how long they’ve been unhappy or what caused the split.

After you pick up your face from off the floor, it’s time to inform your friends of the news. While the last thing you want to do is continuously relive the experience, you do not need to be alone right now. Handling this yourself is not the best option, especially for the first 24 hours or so. Besides, informing your best buds keeps you grounded in several distinct ways.

You Can No Longer Hide from the Truth

Once you announce your pending divorce, you cannot take it back. You’re forced to live with and come to terms with the truth much quicker than if you chose to hide and deny that your marriage is over. Although it seems much more comfortable and safe to check out of life until further notice, you’ll only delay the recovery process.

Verbalizing your pain and discussing what happened begins the emotional purging process. The crying fits and wails are painfully dreadful to deal with, but now the truth has been let out and acknowledging the truth helps you remove any denials about what’s happening.

Lastly, you’ll be reminded that you’re not unloved. Your soon-to-be ex-husband or ex-wife may not want to remain married to you (or save the marriage, if you’re the one who requested it), but other people still enjoy your company and their relationship with you.

You might be joining the Divorce Society, but you’re not completely alone in your journey. Plenty of betrayed women have been in your shoes. While it’s not pleasant, you can definitely survive infidelity and divorce, and help is available! Ladies seeking “girlfriend” type advice can check out The Divorced Girls’ Society: Your Initiation into the Club You Never Thought You’d Join, an informative resource that guides you step-by-step through your pending divorce. Click the link to preview the book’s table of contents and first chapter.

Husband Cheated After 11 Years – How Do I Forgive Him?

Hi, Can you please advise me how to forgive unconditionally? I found out my hubby of 11years had an affair. He had since broke off with the girl and is now trying very hard to make our marriage work again. I am also trying very hard to make him love me again. Sadly, I get depressed when he is not around. I think of the stuffs that he has done to me i cannot help not crying. I feel like shouting it to someone but…… There are not many who I confide in about his infedelity. I feel so depressed. I didn’t talk to my hubby about this as I feel it will upset him and whatever we have been doing in the day will all go down the drain. Am I doing it the right way? I hope you can help me.

Thanks, Wanting to Forgive

Hello Wanting to Forgive:

First and foremost, we commend you for making an attempt to reconcile with your husband and understanding the importance of forgiveness to make things work in your relationship. Whether most people agree or not, forgiveness is the ONE component all broken relationships need in order to successfully get on the road to recovery. Forgiveness is not allowing someone to get away with what they’ve done; nor is it an excuse, permission slip or an opportunity to forget what happened.

To be clear, forgiveness is letting go of anger and other negative emotions related to perceived or real acts of wrong performed against you or another person. Forgiveness acknowledges that certain events occurred, but remembers that people are only human, and we too must be forgiven for things we have done. Forgiving someone isn’t easy and does take time. Recommended methods of forgiving someone include:

- Forgiving yourself for whatever role you played in the relationship

- Making an attempt to understand why and how that person acted the way they did

- Acknowledging and expressing your inner pain in a mature fashion without further aggravating the situation

- Deciding whether or not to remain in the relationship

Now, Wanting to Forgive, you’ve expressed that you continue to think of things he’s done during his sexual affair and wonder about what he’s doing when you’re not with him. This is completely normal, especially after what you’ve gone through. You don’t really speak to anyone, and also say that you’re afraid to confront him because you don’t want all of the hard work you’re doing go down the drain. You must know that you have every right to speak to him about what he’s done and how you’re feeling. Cheaters hate to talk about what they’ve done, but at the same time, they must be fully responsible for their actions and how they’ve affected the relationship. Not only will sharing your feelings with him force him to fully acknowledge the pain he’s caused, but it will reinforce the fact that it will require the both of you to work on fixing your relationship.

A final word about friends and your husband’s infidelity: We won’t say that you can’t confide in them, because sometimes a friend with an open ear is all you need to feel better. Just make sure your friend doesn’t become your therapist; if things get too rough, consider looking for a professional either for yourself or for marriage counseling.

Does it Make Any Sense to Get Your Wife Back After She Has Had an Affair?
By Emma Audley

should i get my wife back when she cheated on me

This is a question which haunts many husbands when their wives’ infidelity has made a dent in the relationship. You are overwhelmed by this dilemma – should you or should you not get your wife back – particularly when she has hurt your feelings so much and has played with your implicit trust in her. Such mental trauma is understandable.

But even if you love your wife very dearly, before you finally decide to get your wife back, there are some soul-searching which is required, if you want to put your marriage back on track:

• Is this is the first time that she has had an affair after marriage?

• You want your wife back – but does she also want to get back to you?

• If you want to know how to get your wife back after an affair, you have to know for sure, whether the affair was a fall out of existing gaps in your marriage.

• Did she voluntarily admit to the affair and apologize for the mistake?

• Are you completely sure that your love for her is strong enough to pardon her errant behavior and accept her back again?

When you do the soul searching, on your way to get your wife back you also have to bear in mind the following:

• Obviously, the affair is a result of some existing need gaps in your marriage. She has sought for things which you are unable to provide. These could be anything from mental compatibility, financial security to physical inadequacies.

• If you are aware of the inadequacies and imbalances which are affecting the marriage, are you prepared to ‘change’ for the sake of getting your wife back? Many of these changes could involve completely altering the way you look at life, your habits, lifestyle choices as well as behaviors.

• There are enough instances, where husbands have accepted their wives back, after an affair and they have found happiness and congeniality in their marriage. This is because they have taken the affair as a wake-up call to sit up and notice the underlying problems affecting the relationship. Are you viewing your wife’s affair similarly?

In short, it does make sense to get your wife back, provided you are capable of pardoning her simply for the sake of love and nothing else, like ensuing loneliness, kids, home management, etc. The pardon has to be unconditional and both of you have to work double-time to rebuild the lost trust. Once again, you have to have implicit faith in her and rely on the love and respect that you share. Only then getting your wife back makes sense.

Why is saving your marriage so important to you? Because a good marriage is one of the most treasured of human interactions. It colors everything else around us.

Visit my site at http://www.LonelinessToHappiness.com to find out how you can save your marriage after infidelity and make your spouse fall in love with you again.

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Emotional Acceptance: The Most Important Aspect of Healing from His Affair

Throughout the discovery of your lover’s affair, you may fight to resist the truth. You may refuse to believe they cheated on you, deceived you and lied to you. “How could this happen?! No, it didn’t happen… not to me, I’m too good for this!” you may think.

Emotional acceptance is an important part of recovering from an affair, or any other traumatizing situation in life. When you have emotional acceptance, you give yourself the ability to stop fighting and resisting what’s happened on an emotional level. You become less emotionally reactive and accept what’s happened without the overt, painful dramatics. Emotional acceptance aligns you with reality, allowing you to see your husband’s cheating for what it is and helping you decide what to do next.

Emotional Acceptance Is Not Passivity or Tolerance of Infidelity

A striking example of example of emotional acceptance is dealing with the death of a loved one. When someone you love dies- a dear friend or beloved pet- it’s hard to accept what happened initially. You don’t want to hear that everything will be okay and you don’t want to believe this person is dead and never coming back. You’re consumed with grief and have little-to-no control over your emotional reaction when the news first hits. The pain lives within you for a long time, but decreases its affects on your daily living over time. Eventually, while you still love and miss the person, you’re now able to fully accept and embrace their passing. At this point, you’ve stopped resisting what’s happened and emotionally accepted it.

When it comes to emotionally accepting an affair, the process will be very similar. You will have to ride it out and accept that your husband did cheat on you. You will have to accept that things in your marriage were not going as expected. You will have to accept that your cheating husband did lie to you about his sexual or emotional affair, and that he did so willingly for a period of time, in an effort to conceal his extramarital trysts.

Clearly speaking, emotional acceptance does not mean what he’s done is okay. Emotional acceptance simply allows you to find peace within the storm. Emotional acceptance is not tolerance; his cheating on you doesn’t have to be right as long as you accept it happened. When you emotionally accept a situation, you’re not rewarding poor behavior and it doesn’t stop you from making his life difficult. You don’t minimize what was done when you accept his cheating; in fact, you must see it for what it is in its full glory. And emotionally accepting your husband’s cheating does not denote passivity and mean you do nothing, but allows you to move forward with confidence in yourself to make the most of this situation.

This information was adapted from Paul Coleman’s You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life. If this information helped you, consider purchasing Coleman’s book for more insightful information.

Dealing With Infidelity – When the Cheater Blames You

My husband cheated on me. He broke my heart and it feels like your world is shifting. Is this really happening? Take a few deep breaths, you tell yourself, Just listen to what it is that he has to say.

He opens his mouth to speak, and you are positive that you just misunderstood what he just said. Did he just say it was your fault he cheated? There he goes again, repeating it. He did say it was your fault. Have you gone insane?

The good news is that you’re not crazy. The bad news is, it’ going to feel like you are. Oftentimes, when someone is responsible for breaking the trust in your relationship, married or dating, he will try to shift the blame. Your husband might say you weren’t affectionate enough or too affectionate. He may say you didn’t have time for him and didn’t want to have sex enough.

Whatever your boyfriend or husband’s reasons are for cheating, you need to know that you are NOT responsible for his cheating. True, there may be some things that are flawed in the RELATIONSHIP because of your behaviors, but you cannot be held responsible for how your husband/boyfriend/fiancé reacts to that behavior.

If you want this relationship sorted out, you two need to sit down, and hash things out. You also need to be strong enough to require that he take accountability for his infidelity before you even consider trying to restore your relationship.

It’s really difficult to forgive a husband cheating on you, a man who has betrayed your trust in such a powerful way, especially when he deflects the blame. Such actions are a sign of immaturity and need to be addressed if you’re really interested in working things out. Talk to your man about going to see a couple’s therapist. They will be able to help you both express how you really feel about your future and let go of the past.

No matter what, chica, remember his behavior is NOT your responsibility – NO MATTER WHAT.

Emotional Infidelity: The Silent but Deadly Threat to Your Relationship

According to statistics, approximately half to almost 95 percent of all who cheat cite emotional dissatisfaction as a motivation for stepping out on their wives. In recent years, increasing attention has been paid to a growing phenomenon known as emotional infidelity, a non-sexual, yet troubling trend in among couples dealing with infidelity.

What Is Emotional Infidelity?

Emotional infidelity is an affair of the heart that is ultimately more complex than a sexual affair. Emotional infidelity describes an intense emotional intimacy with someone other than one’s committed partner or spouse. This person usually is an acquaintance, friend or coworker with whom an emotionally unsatisfied partner shares his or her feelings on a regular basis.

Emotional affairs start off innocently at first. Two affair partners may become good friends, innocently sharing lunches, taking business trips, and indulging in the heartwarming and aggravating day-to-day aspects of their lives at home.

At first, such things appear to be a normal occurrence within the acceptable evolution of a friendship between people, particularly if the affair partner is a coworker. The more you get to know someone, the more details you share about your life and vice versa. The problem with emotional affairs, however, is that emotional cheaters feel a greater sense of intimacy with the other person than with their current partner. An emotional cheater shares a greater continuum of their emotional spectrum and perspective with the other person instead of their boyfriend or girlfriend. The deep-seated, most private, quiet and most vulnerable sides of you are no longer the property of your spouse, but are instead handed over to another person who doesn’t share a commitment with you.

M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity and The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It, is a licensed marriage counselor who has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show several times to discuss the impact of sexual and emotional infidelity on relationships. During an appearance on Oprah, Neuman expertly discusses the lethalness of emotional infidelity.

“An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside your [relationship]. We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our [relationship], the less we have inside [of it]. After a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both [people].”

Why Do Emotional Affairs Occur?

At the root of it all, emotional affairs are created to meet a key emotional need that has gone unfulfilled within the primary relationship. Maybe a wife feels her husband doesn’t listen to her enough, so she has weekly lunches with the warm-spirited gentleman in your department who pats her hand and tells her how sweet and beautiful she are. Or his girlfriend doesn’t appreciate the extra things he’s done around the house or his attempts at being more romantic, so the girl in the apartment next door comes over regularly and chops it up with him over a plate of one of her home-cooked chicken alfredo, reassuring him that he’s a great guy. Whatever the lack of emotional satisfaction is, this affair becomes a second relationship, an emotional love affair that works as filler for their somewhat more distant, but ever present current one.

Can He Fall in Love with Her?

Absolutely. The perfect recipe for turning an emotional infidelity into a sexual infidelity is accessibility, chemistry, an underlying emotional weakness or need, and a consistently increasing build upon the relationship. Remember, in an emotional infidelity, a person is already emotionally withdrawing from their primary relationship and funneling their energy into the affair, whether they consciously realize it or not.

It’s said that women are somewhat more susceptible to the emotional affair, wanting the relationship to move from friendship to true love, fantasy to reality, whereas men tend to compartmentalize their emotional affair, adding it to their lives, but not truly interested in moving on with her. Despite what is assumed, emotional bonds and emotional infidelities aren’t the sole property of either gender. Either sex in an emotional affair can feel overwhelmingly passionate feelings toward the other person, to an extent that your relationship with them can suffer – or even end when they chase what they feel is a better deal.

Starting over can help you save your marriage.

What are Signs of an Emotional Love Affair?

• Going out to dinner or other places with their friend without telling you.
• Purchasing personal gifts with extra justifications.
• Withdrawal from you (the main partner) and the relationship.
• Showing decreased interest in sexual or emotional intimacy.
• Increased preoccupation with spending time with their friend; looking forward to the next time they will see them.
• Wondering what life “would be like” if they were seriously involved with the other person.
• Insisting that the other person is just a friend – even when they refuse to let you meet them, or begin limiting contact between the two of you.
• Feeling like the other person understands them more than their spouse or girlfriend.

• Sharing more thoughts, feelings and time with the friend than the partner.

• Keeping the friendship a secret from you, the spouse, of all people.

Can I Stop Emotional Infidelity? Can I Save MyRelationship?

Confronting emotional infidelity, like any other infidelity, isn’t easy, but it is possible. You can begin by expressing your feelings about your partner’s relationship with this other person, and explaining why it doesn’t sit well with you. Perhaps talking to your partner about how you notice they seem more animated when they speak about that person or seem withdrawn from you after coming in from hanging with them will allow them to see that they may have been taking you and your relationship for granted while giving their energy elsewhere. It may also help that you remind them that they probably would not be okay if you displayed the same behaviors toward someone of the opposite sex.

After you’re done, ask them if there is something you haven’t provided them that their friend does. Listen with an open heart and mind; perhaps there are things you can do better to enrich the emotional intimacy of the relationship you have right now. Be aware things take time, and will require patience, persistence and faith to bring your relationship back on its proper course.

If, however, you decide not to confront emotional infidelity, be aware that you are passively allowing your partner to become more attached with another person, someone who may eventually take your place in his or her life. If you decide that you simply are not interested in working things out, and that this information doesn’t bother you, perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the significance of your partner in your life, and prepare to move on.

Cheating Men Reveal # 1 Reason for Cheating

Neuman and Oprah discuss cheating men and sexual infidelity live.

Cheating men are assumed to have sexual affairs for strictly sexual purposes. People always assume the desire for more sex, better sex, exciting sex or just having sexual variety is all most cheating men care about. The argument that men are easily visually stimulated, and can never have enough “sex” or “women” is also a frequent justification for why men stray.  “Men are just highly sexual creatures, they can never get enough, and they always want variety,” some argue. “It’s just in their nature.”

92 % Cheating Men: “Sex Not Important!”

Despite the popularity of the explanation, this assumption couldn’t be further from the truth according to M. Gary Neuman. Neuman, author of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It found, through independent research, that only 8 percent of philandering husbands acted from being sexually unhappy. “This means, for 92 percent of the men cheating in the United States, it’s not about sex,” explains Neuman.

Instead, Neuman’s research, which appeared on a series of episodes on Oprah,  asserts that a whopping 48 percent of men who reported having affairs were emotionally dissatisfied. Another 32 percent cited an equal amount of sexual and emotional dissatisfaction. Overall, 59 percent of cheating men felt emotionally unhappy compared to only 29 percent who were only sexually dissatisfied. Only 12 percent of men weren’t experiencing any unhappiness, or cited reasons other than sexual or emotional dissonance.

Further substantiating their claims of emotional distress, 37 percent of cheating men reported that feeling underappreciated by their wives was a major cause of their unhappiness. Another 17 percent felt “emotionally disconnected” from their woman. These two sentiments combined account for 54 percent of the problem these men felt in regards to the emotional relationship they had with their spouse, outweighing lack of communication (11 percent), no longer sharing the same values (10 percent) and having a wife that lost her temper too often (12 percent).

Neuman remarks that issues such as emotional connection and appreciation are seen as complaints only women would have, which perpetuates “the big lie” that women are “the emotional ones, whereas men are like rocks… only needing sex to be happy.”

Cheating Men: Keep Him from Becoming One

While it’s true that men are strong, they also have egos that need to be stroked; everyone does. Most men will tell you that they don’t require you to share every mushy detail and thought you have, but they would highly appreciate it if you showed them your gratitude or nurtured them through your actions on a consistent basis. Doing things like offering your husband his favorite meal every once in a while, giving him a full body massage or a foot rub, surprising him with an afternoon devoted to his desires or simply verbalizing your appreciation for a task well done are all ways that send a message that you not only notice what he does, you acknowledge and appreciate him for it.

Taking this information, try to consider times where your partner has stepped up to the plate and handled his business, and you may not have been appreciative of his efforts. Maybe he washed the kids and put them to bed, only to be met with “Honey I’ve got a headache.” Perhaps he attempted to cook breakfast, and you laughed at his awkwardness around the kitchen. These things may not be serious to you, but you never know the affect it may have had on your partner. Make an attempt to show more gratitude in how he assists you in different things. This not only boosts the sense of connectedness between the two of you, it builds intimacy and reassures your husband that he’s good enough. Remember, for most of us – cheating men included- it’s the little things that matter. Here are three  proven strategies to prevent cheating in a relationship.

My Wife Cheated on Me. Would an Open Relationship Help Us Sexually?

I’ve been married to my wife for over 5 years, but we’ve been in a relationship for 8. Our sex life has always been wonderful in my opinion, but after having kids, everything changed. My wife complained that there was never enough time or energy left for us to have sex, and only had sex with me once in a blue to “get it over with.” I recently found out she’d been sleeping with another man while refusing to have sex with me.

She says she’s remorseful that she cheated, but says it’s because our sex life has become routine and boring. She said she still loves me but wants to continue to have the freedom to sleep with other men. The thought of my wife with another man kills me, but I want our marriage to work. Would an open relationship help us sexually?

Our hearts go out to you in this difficult time. The short answer for your question is no.

We feel the problem in your marriage isn’t the sex; it’s just manifested through sex. Chances are opening the relationship will only invite more trouble. It will be a temporary cosmetic facelift covering an unresolved issue.

You see, despite how much sex is involved with affairs, it’s not the motivating force for most cheaters. Affairs usually cater to the betrayer’s need to escape from or acquire something they feel is missing, usually within themselves or their primary relationship. The tricky part is, it’s hard to determine exactly what this person is seeking or eluding- they themselves usually don’t know.

If the infidelity truly has roots in sexual dissatisfaction, especially post-marriage and child-bearing, your wife may have stopped feeling desirable and sexual due to the Madonna/Whore complex. The Madonna/Whore complex is a psychological complex where a person (usually male) develops trouble having a combined respect for a woman who is both loving and motherly and sexual. This person may separate women into categories, viewing “idealized” good women into sacred, non-sexual, virtuous women, and placing sexualized, liberated women into a “touchable” category.

This complex can deeply affect how a man relates to his wife, or a woman relates to herself or her husband. A man, for example, may love and adore his wife, yet find that he’s lost the ability to see her in a sexual manner, especially if she’s mothered his children. This man may have a string of affairs with other women whom are not necessarily more attractive than his wife, but are sexually stimulating, because their primary role for him is sexual gratification.
A woman may find that, once she’s married a man, she feels pressured to appear more sexually reserved and pure, in order to live up to societal pressures on what the “role” of a “virtuous, pure” wife entails. Now that I’m a married mother with children, I shouldn’t be thinking of sexual satisfaction with my husband, she may think. I have to focus on raising my children, being a great mother and doing everything for my family. Appealing to my husband’s desire for sex- much less my own- would be wholly inappropriate, and not something a good wife does. Only bad wives and whores are concerned with sex.

 
Now, if this feeling is truly reflects your wife’s sentiments, she might have compartmentalized her sexuality in response. These actions have nothing to do with you, and everything about how she considers her role in the family unit according to learned beliefs and values. Since she would feel it’s inappropriate to be sexually satisfied as a wife, she’ll be more inclined to desire an extramarital partner as an outlet to enjoy that gratification without “challenging” her role in your marriage. In her mind, she’s your good, chaste wife, but his unrestrained sexual partner.
Now, if you want to continue rebuilding your marriage with your wife, it will take a lot of work. First of all, she’s shattered your trust in her as a committed and honest partner. There is a broken bridge of trust that will require a long reconstruction period, even if you plan to allow each other sexual freedom. Your wife will have to work hard to show that she’s trustworthy and willing to do the hard work required to make this marriage work.

There’s a great possibility that you not only feel betrayed, but are experiencing a great mix of emotions including humiliation and emasculation, that you don’t feel comfortable expressing to anyone you know. This may especially include your wife; after all, she’s the one who triggered these emotions. This is fine and completely normal.
We suggest that you consider counseling, either with a trusted marriage advisor in your house of worship or an accredited national therapist. You can choose to seek help with your spouse, alone or both, and work towards understanding the events that took place and how they have affected you. Counseling can help one or both of you realize the importance of redeveloping an open environment for honest communication, something that will be required even if your wife decides she wants an open marriage.

Now if after all else, your wife still wants an open marriage, you will have to decide whether or not that is something you can live with. An open marriage sounds like a convenient solution, but it can be open up a new can of worms. Most spouses would never want to see their husband/wife sexually involved with someone other than them, and insecurity can create an obsession with whether or not the other person is doing something they themselves can’t. Oftentimes, if both parties aren’t up for the situation, the end result is disaster and further disintegration of the marriage.
If you decide you’re interested in trying an open marriage, have a thorough discussion about your partner concerning all the rules of engagement in this situation. Is she only allowed to have two or three partners at a time? Will you have to pre-approve who she sleeps with? What sexual activities are off limits? What will happen when the other parties want something more than sex? How will emotional attachments be handled?
If you decide you’re not interested in an open marriage, be firm in telling your wife that you will not tolerate such an arrangement, but that you’re more than willing to do what it takes to recapture the flames that have been lost and improve the relationship that the two of you have. Let her know what your alternatives are. Either way, you have as much right to assert your desires as she does. You both have a right to be happy and discover a peaceable solution.

What Do You Want to Do?

Learn more about swinging and open marriages.

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