Confession: I am a boyfriend who cheated. I learned from my mistakes, and I am truly sorry. Having said that, I always laugh at how women’s magazines say “women cheat for emotional reasons, men cheat for sex.” That statement may be true for some men and women, but just as some women cheat for an emotional supplement, so can men. Yes, men are more logical, but we’re emotional, too just….well a lot less emotionally complicated than women (of course, I had to throw a jab in there).

I had a wonderful woman in my life: educated, neat, great cook, loyal, and a GREAT body to go with that spectacular personality…but something was missing. By no means do I want anyone to think that I am condoning cheating in anyway way whatsoever–it’s always best to be honest about how you feel in the relationship no matter what, but let’s be more realistic: Men’s balls will shrink up into their waist, with the very THOUGHT, of hurting a woman’s feelings. This is why we cheat. This is a list of suggestions on how to strengthen your relationship so that you can seal any cracks.

Disclaimer: This list applies to the “Average Joe”. There are a few exceptional men (read: sarcasm), that cheat because they are selfish and immature, and therefore not knowledgeable on how to keep a relationship in general.

Women like compliments. Men like compliments,too–some of us even more than women do.

Men have egos, and though some are bigger than others, the need for a woman’s validation that we still turn her on, is still there. It sounds a bit stupid but, a lot of times, this is how emotional cheating starts. Both men and women can take relationships for granted; for example, your man dresses up for an event (i.e. Christmas Party) and your boyfriend/husband asks how he looks, don’t just give a quick glance and say, “You look fine, hun…”and continue on with your business. Take a long glance– a LUSTING glance, walk up to him, kiss him, and say, “Honey, you look great…” Trust me, men are susceptible to flattery, which is why you should compliment him, instead of the next fawn that comes around wagging her tail for attention. Compliments make him feel good, but if she does (make him feel good), he WILL delve deeper into what else she could possibly do to make him feel EVEN BETTER.

Let us do things on our own.

No, we don’t like to ask for directions. Yes, we know we are late to dinner at your third cousin- twice removed’s house, but just let us be. Unless it’s a life or death situation, give us a bit of time to figure things out or give up the “know it all charade”. Hell, 9 of out 10 times, finding our way out of a situation like “being lost”, is like an adventure to us. Let us indulge in it. That dresser from Ikea we volunteered to assemble for you– let us do it BY OURSELVES, I beg of you! When you stand over our shoulders and grab the instructions to take over the project, it makes us feel stupid and more importantly— like you don’t trust us. What’s a relationship without trust?

Don’t emasculate us.

You know that driving through the woods to get to the dinner that we talked about? Yeah, when we arrive, I know that it’s a funny story to you and it’s funny to me, too (or well, it WILL be months later from now), but don’t talk about it like I’m a buffoon, especially in front of the guys. Men want to feel like they are the MAN in front of their friends. This is why you see so many sitcoms where there male character is egged on by his friends to put his “foot down’ because he is the man of the house. TV imitates real life people. Believe it or not, men don’t necessarily need to be loved, but we absolutely need to be respected. Putting us down in front of others, whether in jest or not, is disrespect.

We are NOT psychics.

Tell us what you want/need. Again, men are simple creatures and when it comes to our girlfriends/wives, we take things at face value. We may sense a bit of attitude and ask what’s wrong, but if you tell us, “Nothing’s wrong…”, we don’t analyze, compute and re-analyze, we just take your word for it and assume you’re being moody or on your period. Seriously. If you need someone to just listen to whatever you’re going through just to vent–tell us that! Men are natural providers and if you come to us with a problem, our brain doesn’t automatically move to sympathy, it’s first stop is to find a solution to that problem. We CAN provide emotional support, just make sure to turn the dial to “Great Listener” before you start the conversation.

Lastly, because we know you aren’t psychic, we will tell you what we want/need. So LISTEN.

I can’t stress this enough: Men are SIMPLE creatures. And we will tell you what we want or need through words or actions, no secret decoder required. Some of us are more verbal than others and some of us are more action influenced. When we say we want to be alone (or for us non-verbal types, “I’m gonna go for a ride/walk”), we mean just that– LEAVE US ALONE! Don’t nag me about distancing myself, don’t keep asking what’s wrong (I’m still trying to figure that out myself) and don’t ask me if I want to talk about it, when I clearly asked for space. I need time to think about if what I am mulling about is worth getting worked up over, or it may be something totally left-field like the fact that I might not be able to make my half of the rent this month and I’m too stubborn to tell you. That’s just how we are.

Now if your man doesn’t want to have sex or spend time as much or not at all, that’s a blatant red flag that he really IS distancing himself from the relationship/seeing someone else/is gay. If a guy is constantly telling you how “fat you are”, this isn’t verbal communication– it’s verbal abuse. He feels insecure about himself and is the type to blame you for his cheating ways, instead of admitting that he is a selfish, spoiled, and relentless asshole of a man-child.

I’m not a guru, nor have I ever claimed to be, but what I will tell you is that these things that I have mentioned are the basic guidelines of a man. Hell, men are alot closer to babies except that in addition to eating, laughing, the occasional puke from eating (usually after a night out drinking), burping and sleeping, we also, dress ourselves (most of us anyway), have sex, work, and don’t cry– because men are not supposed to cry. Just kidding. Sort of. This list is not a “cure all”; every man is different. However, it will help you see what your man responds to better– your method, or my method. Good Luck! – Jason Tambourelli

Big Boom Reveals How Cheaters Get You to Beg THEM to Stay – Don’t Be Suckered!

Former womanizer Big Boom’s done it all when it came to taking advantage of the women who loved him. As an apology for the pain he’s caused almost every woman he’s dated, If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs is an earnest guide to avoiding troubled relationships and understanding men.  Whether you’re trying to understand why you attract cheating dogs, can’t find a man who can take you seriously, or simply want a refresher on keeping your husband’s respect, Boom’s book is a revitalizing read.

The Reverse Technique: Have You Been Suckered?

Boom dives into the truth about men and the games they play with startling accuracy. When you read this book, you’ll remember so many times in the past where a man acted in a curious, even erratic matter, and you’ll finally understand what motivated his behavior. Here’s a following example:

Has your husband ever confessed to cheating on you? After doing so, did he start packing his bags while he promised to leave and never return and break your heart again? If so, did you stop him and beg him to stay, saying, “Baby, please don’t leave. Let’s save our marriage! We can talk about this?”

Depending on what happened next, you’ve definitely been played for a sucker, especially if he agreed to stay provided that you agree to certain conditions, namely not to ask him any details of his sexual affairs with other women. Big Boom refers to this slick trick as the reverse technique, and the information alone is worth the purchase price of this book.

Invest Wisely in Your Love Life – No More Troubled Relationships!

Boom’s straight-to-the-point words empower you to take control of your relationships with men. Boom teaches you to put your foot down and demand the respect and love you deserve in your marriage, or even while dating casually. Simply put, some time with Boom will cost less than a new outfit and will help you far longer than that cheaply written romance article that falsely claims the way to a bad boy’s heart is sex. (Or food, but if he can’t even act right, why would you bother cooking for him?)

Overall, Big Boom packs a wealth of brutally honest information about men, both good and bad, and the games, thoughts, rules and values they live by in this 199 page guide. A bonus section includes several well-thought and planned questions every woman needs to ask any man who shows an interest in her.

Whether you’re a single lady or shop for your family, you tend to shop wisely, making financial decisions with care. Every purchase is an investment, whether for your health, beauty or daily living needs, at the highest quality possible within your budget.

You make careful investments in other areas of your life, so why not do the same with your love life and avoid troubled relationships?

Click to read excerpts of Boom’s book for yourself!

Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Wouldn’t _____ So You Cheated – Was it Worth It?

So far, we’ve discussed people who cheat in their relationships in order to meet unmet needs, including emotional needs, which experts agree is the most common cause of infidelity. Overall, we’ve learned that the best way to counteract these issues is to build a strong emotional connection with your partner and solidify it with regular maintenance.

Now, what happens when you’ve met that unmet emotional need with someone other than your boyfriend? What do you do next? Do you continue that emotional affair outside your primary relationship? Or do you take what you’ve learned and try to recover it within your main relationship, cutting the other man on the side off?

Figuring out the best course of action following infidelity can be very difficult, especially if you’re not really sure whether or not either party will keep you satisfied enough to fully commit to them. Truth be told, nobody’s perfect – like, that’s exactly where the 80/20 Rule stems from.

Every relationship is as unique as a fingerprint; yet, there’s a simple method to discerning whether or not it’s worth holding on to a relationship once your unfulfilled need is met. Simply put, you must look within and review whether cheating has truly assisted you in taking care of those unmet relationship needs that led you to stray in the first place.

Well, Should I Continue Cheating on My Boyfriend/Girlfriend… ?

We know the last thing you’d like to do is ponder deeply about the wrongs you’ve done, but get real with yourself. You initially felt that whatever it was you wanted – whether more emotional intimacy, a certain sex act or something completely random yet important to you- was so vital that it warranted stepping out of your relationship to get it; if you were that willing to obtain it, you need to be just as willing to analyze its bearing amongst your romantic requirements.

Ask yourself the following:

Now that you’ve cheated and pursued your unmet need, whether sexual or not, how do you feel? Did the other person truly handle those needs you cheated to get?

Was this desire something that you were able to “get out of your system” once it was completed, or will this be an ongoing need that you’ll want indefinitely?

Should you realize that your desires, in the long run aren’t as big a deal anymore, congratulations. You’ve gotten the urge out of your system, and have matured enough to realize your relationship is more important to you. Consider your infidelity a learning experience and continue with your regular relationship.

Should you determine that your need was adequately met and that you are truly happier with it in your life, you’ll have to determine how this will affect your relationship. If the need is something your partner cannot or will not provide, chances are you’ll either continue having an affair, or will need to end the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.

This holds true if whatever you need will have to occur on an unending basis. One young lady cheated because she loved oral sex, but her fiancé refused to provide it. He was a perfect boyfriend, and very considerate in all other areas but this. He considered it an emasculating act, as he was from a culture which frowned upon cunnilingus. She expressed the act improved sexual satisfaction, yet he would not be moved. At the end of the day, she loved him, but not enough to compromise her sexual satisfaction.

If you cheated on your girlfriend or boyfriend and feel utterly horrible for what you’ve done, yet enjoyed yourself, then don’t despair. You’re not necessarily a jerk, chances are you’re simply a good person who made a bad decision. However, things happen for a reason. Learn more about why you cheated on your lover and how to save your relationship after an affair.

How Cheating Men Pick Their Women

When it comes to dealing with infidelity and the humiliation that comes with it, Brenda Stone Browder’s an expert. When her cheating husband, J.L. King, revealed the shocking truth of his sexual affairs on national television after years of denial, it took a lot of strength, patience and guidance for Browder to overcome the gut-wrenching pain of King’s unfaithfulness. (King, who has since divorced Browder, admitted that he had engaged in a series of homosexual affairs with other men while married to Browder while on a CNN special concerning down low men.)

After continuous soul searching, Browder eventually triumphed from the broken marriage, and discovered patterns that she and other women who were victims of infidelity shared. Her findings revealed that most cheating men usually gravitated towards women who regularly compromised their needs to put others first.

“You cannot lift someone else up unless you are first on steady ground,” asserts Browder, who has since written and released her book, On the Up and Up, which discusses her recovery from infidelity. “The need to nurture and be there for you mate is natural- but not if it means you diminish yourself in the process.”

Browder generalizes that there are three types of women who are targeted by cheating men and explains why they’re so vulnerable to deception.

Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed – The Naïve Woman

This woman is the ideal woman for a cheater. She has no life experience, and has more than likely had limited interactions with men and relationships. The dating game is new to her, so she tends to trust easily. When she falls in love, she falls deeply and is romantic and devoted to her husband.

She’s so desirable to cheaters because she’s easy to deceive; a misleading, cheating husband or cheating boyfriend wants a woman that’s easily controlled and impressed.  Inexperienced women can be easily trusting of partners, and tend not to question things their men do; even if she does raise concerns, it’s fairly easy for a cheater to twist the truth or manipulate her perception of things to keep her at bay.

Insecure and Self-Loathing – The Woman Who Has Low Self-Esteem

Women who don’t love themselves are extremely alluring to cheaters. A woman who doesn’t value herself is apt to make excuses for an unfaithful man’s behavior, even if he’s blatantly cheating on her. She will almost never accept that she can do better for herself in terms of finding a good man.

Overweight women are often seen in this type of situation. Oftentimes, she’ll enter a relationship overweight and just feel happy to have a man, so much so that she’ll release him of any responsibility to treat her and the relationship in a respectful manner. When he cheats or belittles her, she’ll blame her weight and appearance as an excuse to justify why he’s so cruel to her, and allow it to perpetuate her continuous cycle of self-loathing.

Other women may not be overweight, but for any number of reasons will feel as if they’ll never be able to find another man, and desperately cling to their no-good man by any means. Once a woman learns to value herself in entirety, she’ll realize that any “piece” of a man will never be enough to satisfy her as much as a fully devoted man is, giving her the strength to remove herself from a bad relationship.

She’s Got Something to Hide as Well – Making Her an Equal Accomplice

Like attracts like; women with something to hide may consciously enter into a relationship with a man she realizes is incapable or unwilling to be completely upfront with her. Whether she needs a man to provide for her, nurses an alcohol or drug addiction, or simply wants a tangible exchange out of the arrangement, such women will treat the relationship as a perfect enhancement to their lives.

Hollywood rumors are abuzz with scandals of celebrities who date or marry in order to cover the truth of their lives behind closed doors. Whether or not each and every story is truthful, the fact of the matter is these relationships are nothing more than business arrangements of the sort. Such an arrangement is fine between the two of them if they truly know what’s going on between them – after all it’s their business, and they’re purposely working to keep it concealed; both would have something to lose if the truth were revealed.

What Can I Do to Protect Myself from Being One of These Women?

First and foremost, a woman should learn to love herself enough to know when something compromises her beliefs or esteem. No man on Earth, not even George Clooney, is worth the trouble if his mode of operation includes trampling on your core values and rules for a relationship. As soon as you knuckle up and evaluate what you truly want and become self-confident, you’ll transform the dynamic between you and your cheating husband or boyfriend. Even if the dynamic ends the relationship, you’ll realize your value and determine the split was for the best, even if your heart feels irrevocably broken at the moment by one or more cheating men.

>>>Stop Being His Girlfriend and Become His Wife!

>>>>12 – Step Relationship Detox: Get Over a Bad Breakup!

Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can transform any negative situation.

The Magic Action to Help Restore Your Scarred Relationship

Throughout relationships, it is not uncommon for people to hold on to and silently grieve past hurts dealt by their loved one without extending forgiveness. Over time, resentment builds up, and, if it’s not addressed and worked through, this can lead to making either party susceptible to sexual or emotional infidelity.

Now, you may think this is a childish assumption, that many people would not make it a habit to let “the little things” get in the way of the relationship. However, the truth is that “the little things” build up hurt and resentment over time. As they get pushed back into our minds, these pains snowball into a big, nasty and even hateful situation.

Before things get too ugly and out of hand, there’s a free gift available to help you thwart the ugliness of built-up resentment known as forgiveness. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the past and work through old hurts in the marriage.

Forgiveness can be difficult, but gets easier with time.

A learned skill, your ability to practice forgiveness is influenced your history of forgiveness. Think back on your previous history with forgiveness. Have you ever been deeply pained by someone who’s refused to forgive you for something you’ve done? What about someone who you may have hurt intentionally, but later deeply regret betraying? Have you ever been asked for forgiveness by people who have hurt you? Have you ever felt the heaviness of holding grudges literally seem to lift from your shoulders before?

Ask yourself if you forgive easily. People who forgive easily allow themselves the opportunity to advance past their current frame of mind and move forward without the resentment they’ve held against others.

When it comes to asking for and giving forgiveness, it will be important that you and the other party come together in agreement to work things out. The offending party is usually the party that people think should start the conversation, but the offended can start out as well, initiating the conversation with a thorough explanation of how and why they were hurt by the others’ behavior.

Should one extend an apology and request forgiveness, then the offended party should honestly answer as to whether or not they can and will forgive them. Even if the answer at the current moment is no, they let the person know that there’s a possibility that forgiveness will come in time. They can inform the other party of the changes they’ll need to see over time in order to forgive and move from there.

Now, forgiveness does not mean letting someone “get away” with what they’ve done, nor does it mean this behavior will never happen again. To the contrary, forgiveness just means that you’ve accepted that the perceived wrongs have occurred against you.

Forgiveness also means that the offending party understands how they’ve hurt you and will not repeat the behavior again with the intentions of hurting you. As expert Dave Carder writes, “Change takes time. Most of us can tolerate hurtful behavior when we see that our [loved one] is working hard at changing the pattern. To the degree you can forgive, you can build respect, and to the degree you can respect, you can build trust.”

Babies, Funerals Cause for A Sexual Affair?

Family situations and personal challenges are unbelievably influential in whether or not someone is going to cheat, but what about personal risk? Does depression incease the possibility of your husband cheating? What if he loses his job, or someone close to him dies?

According to Christian relationship expert Dave Carders, situational factors definitely influence a person’s potential to cheat on their significant other. “Often there are situational factors that weigh heavily into the initiation of [infidelity],” he writes in his bestselling book Close Calls. “Two of these areas are high-risk times and high-risk behaviors.”

High-Risk Times

High-risk times refer to great times of stress and change in relationships. Many times, these times are life-altering and require major adjustment on one’s part in order to fully absorb the changes that are made to their routines.

Death or Loss

Death of a loved one is a common high-risk time for people. Research has indicated that spouses and couples actually experience an increase in their sex life following the death of a loved one.

Many times, both parties in the marriage or relationship will experience difficulty connecting because they’re both in mourning during this period. They may preserve their energy in order to work through the day instead of expending effort in consoling one another.

As we’ve discussed before, men have a real pattern of using sex to comfort themselves. If they’re not getting emotional support and care from their wives at home, there’s potential for them to seek outside refuge in the arms of another woman, as having sex will still release oxytocin, which comforts them and makes them feel less “alone” in times of need.

Pregnancy

There are several reasons why pregnancy carries an increased risk of infidelity in men. First and foremost, a man is adjusting to the fact that the relationship isn’t all about him anymore; he now has to share the spotlight with another person, his own child. Second, he has to spend an extra amount of time catering to the woman carrying his child for the approximately 9 weeks or so that she’s carrying the child.

To add to this, women usually go through a lot during their pregnancies. Hormones shift and change, and women can become emotionally unstable, sensitive and possess lower libidos, resulting in a lack off sexual desire. In turn, the changes which take place in the female’s body, such as weight gain, make her less visually appealing to her husband, and therefore divert his sexual desire away from her.

Once the baby comes, pressures of being a new parent add strain to the relationship. Many women experience post-partum depression, while others become completely consumed with thebaby and lose desire to connect with their partners. Resentment, stress and the need to “get away from it all” can cause an otherwise great man to cheat – all because he wants attention that he feels is no longer readily available to him.

Relationship expert and author Dave Carder discusses stressful life changes which further influence infidelity in his groundbreaking book, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. Click for unbiased reviews on Amazon.

What Type of Affair is He Having? Find Out Today!

There are different forms of infidelity and cheating. Not every affair is the same, but there are several types of affairs which can be placed into different categories.

One-Night Stands

One-night stands are usually casual, unplanned hookups. Unplanned in that the people may not have known each other prior to that night, but there’s a strong potential that one or both parties had every intention to have sex with someone.

One-night stands are believed to usually involve alcohol and substance abuse. One-night stands are not an attempt to create intimacy with someone else, but are self-serving. While they can be passionate, they’re usually emotionless. It’s not uncommon for someone to experience intense remorse after a one-night stand, once realization sinks in.

Entangled Affairs

These are more long-term forms of infidelity which attempt to fill an emotional or psychological need within the person. It may last for a year or two, and sexual activity may progress later on in the relationship and not exactly at the onset. Combination emotional-sexual affairs are a type of entangled affair.

Sexual Addiction

Inappropriate early sexual exposure is at the root of sexual addiction; it eventually becomes a form of acting out. Experts state this is an outcome of sex-obsessed culture, and the behavior is the person’s method of self-medicating feelings such as shame, anxiety and depression.

Women tend to eat their feelings while men turn to sex as a form of emotional comfort. Thus, most sex addicts tend to be men. Sex is the best anti-depressant to many, at least initially. Over time, the lack of emotional fulfillment can further depress the addict, as the void they attempt to fill becomes harder to satisfy.

People who are truly sexually addicted and desire to break free will more than likely have best results with the help of a 12-step program, like Sexaholics Anonymous, or from a psychologist.

Add-on Affairs

The add-on infidelity fills a specific void in the cheater’s life. The connection is initially platonic, and can start in the workplace or while the cheater’s engaging in a social activity that his spouse has no interest in. Common leisure activities where these relationships can happen include sports, religious worship and study and even hiking or camping.

Instead of being highly passionate and seen as emotionally charged, the emotional connection observed is moreso one of friendship. It’s not uncommon for the sex in add-on affairs to be unsatisfying; usually, it’s done for the sake of satisfying the other and can be quite infrquent in occurrence. Over time, the add-on affair robs the marriage or primary relationship of emotional intimacy and connection.

How to Gain Trust After Infidelity or Any Other Crisis Affects Your Relationship

Trust is an important part of your relationship. In the earliest stage of your relationship, you’re constantly on guard, looking for information to help you determine how trustworthy your partner is and whether or not you can take them seriously. As trust builds, so do feelings of security. But the second a major crisis hits your relationship, trust shatters completely.

Once shattered, it can take a long time for the trust be rebuilt; there are even times when you may never regain a person’s trust, especially if you’ve cheated. Therefore, if your partner is open to reconciling with you and letting you back into their life, consider yourself blessed, because this means they truly care. Unfortunately, you’ll also have to get ready to put in a lot of work in order to persuade them to trust you again.

Learning to trust or gain trust is a fragile, consistent process in which you’ll gradually realize the results, no matter how you’ve lost it in the first place. Although many people have different ways of trying to earn it, these four basic steps, in general, help restore or develop trust:

1. Avoid Surprises: When someone isn’t trusting, they’re hypervigilant and constantly on guard for crazy, unpleasant surprises from you. Avoid surprising them when they least expect it, and if you must surprise them, give them a pleasant surprise, like a night out or a small, thoughtful gift.

2. Be Upfront: Keep your significant other aware of everything that’s going on with you. Even if your plans change at the last minute, make sure they’re the first to know, not the last.

3. Demonstrate Your Trustworthiness: Do exactly what you said you were going to do. Go exactly where you said you were going to go. Be attentive and considerate, especially in regards to keeping appointments or schedules in your daily lifestyle.

4. Remember the Power of Honesty: In order for someone to trust you after you’ve screwed up, your life needs to become an open book, no matter how much you crave your privacy. Don’t tell any lies, don’t lie and don’t behave defensively with your partner. Even if they want answers to the silliest questions, remain respectful and remember that you have to earn your way back into their lives.

Is her man serving up more than drinks?

2 Years Later, I Still Don’t Trust Him

Hello. I have been with my current boyfriend for almost two years. Three months into the relationship, I found out he had had a girlfriend that lived out of town for about a year at the same time, telling me he was going out to see friends and family. When I found out about this, he completely broke it off with the other girl, saying he wanted to work on our relationship with me. With much hesitation and confusion, I eventually accepted as long as he had no contact with this girl. Since then, things have been pretty rocky and I do not know that I will ever be able to trust him again! He is a bartender, so flirting is part of his “job” I guess and that is one reason why the trust is such an issue. He has not cheated since then (that I know about) and swears he wants to spend his life with me. How do I get past all this and accept it as a “slip”???

Concerned and Confused:

We certainly agree that you’re concerned, but drop the “confused”. You’ve been with him for two years and found out about his infidelity three months into dating him. If you weren’t interested in staying with him, it wouldn’t have taken almost 21 months to figure things out. Suffice it to say, the time has come and gone for you to get over what happened in the beginning, especially if you want to move forward in partnered bliss with this man. Therefore, the question isn’t “how to get past” his cheating, but instead “How to re-establish trust in him.”

You cannot accept his infidelity as a “slip”, because it wasn’t a one-time incident. Slips are moreso accidental f*ck-ups . A slip-up is when a man’s drunk and has a one night stand, or he has a no-strings-attached hookup after you guys argue. Additionally, slips are unplanned and usually come with lots of regret. (Not that this makes things acceptable.) What he had was a consistent series of trysts with another woman. He deliberately lied to you each and every time he was going to see her as well, making this anything but a “mistake.” If anything, the fact that he got caught acting a fool with this woman is the mistake.

Since you took him back, we can assume that whatever he said and did to regain favor worked. Whether he begged for you to give him one more chance, or sent you roses everyday for a week, you decided to give him another opportunity to make things work in the relationship. It was at this point that you should have started the hard work required on your part to open yourself up to trusting him – and from what it sounds like, you haven’t, and are actually still stuck in the past, which isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship. If anything, your lack of trust and unwillingness to move forward is a black hole sucking the energy from your connection.

You want to move past this infidelity? Here’s some tough love on how to do so:

1. Acknowledge What Happened. Stop trying to rationalize his sexual infidelity as a “slip”. Process it for what it was: a shameless affair with another woman that stopped once he realized that you weren’t having it.

2. Accept the reality that this happened… and acknowledge that it’s hurt you. This doesn’t mean that you forget this happened, or use this opportunity to play the victim again. It means that you emotionally accept the reality of what your man did, and resolve to move forward maturely.

3. Get over his job as it relates to you. Yes, he’s a bartender and may flirt a little as a part of his job, but that doesn’t mean he has to flirt or that he will cheat on you again. You tell us, aside from his job, he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, which is an indication that he’s doing what he needs to, leading to my last piece of advice…

4. You Either Want Him Or You Don’t – Hurry Up and Decide. Again, 21 months … 2 years is a long time to be with someone you’re not sure about. He’s well-past what happened with the two of you, has made amends, and says he wants to spend his life with you, while in the meanwhile, you’re still trying to “get past” what happened.

Truthfully speakiing, if you want to get past what happened, you can and will- but only if you do the work and start to trust him again. If he’s not worth your trust by now, then it’s a clear sign that he never will be and neither of you will be happy together. With love, Elle P