What is a Down Low Man?

Picturing your man in the arms of another can completely destroy you – but try discovering that he’s been with another man, not a woman. Then what? How could you deal with that?

Many women find themselves shocked, speechless and even disgusted to find out that their lovers engage in homosexual infidelity, especially when they’ve never claimed to be homosexual or bisexual.

J. L. King Describes the Down Low Mentality

Author J. L. King, exposed this phenomenon back in 2004 with his book, On the Down Low. King states down low men come from all walks of life and cannot be “picked” out of a lineup, no matter what any person says. “DL men are part of the daily lives of all of us; they don’t stand out and can’t be picked out of a lineup or even if they’re standing in front of you.”

Down Low Men Abhor Gay and Bisexual Lifestyles

DL men do not believe they’re homosexual; in fact, many abhor and detest homosexuality or anything close to it. They don’t need or want their sexuality questioned, especially by the women in their lives. They feel they are the furthest thing from gay.

Sounds confusing, right?

Well, not in their minds. DL men don’t feel they live an openly gay lifestyle, and attribute their “homosexual” behavior as pure, “unadulterated, freaky sex” that just happens to be with another man.

King states that DL men feel they “don’t fit the stereotypical image of gay men that the media has portrayed. Gays march in parades, hang out at gay clubs, and may have gay flags on their homes and cars.” He adds that most gay men have a distinct ability to describe how they want their partners to be and what attracts them, whereas down low men are usually purely in it for the sex.

Regardless of whether it was with a man or a woman, if you’re husband or partner cheated on you, it’s imperative that you get checked out as soon as possible. Your health is the most vital treasure you can have in your life, and life is precious. Get tested, even if you’re not sure he’s been cheating, and wear condoms if you’re not sure he’s been completely faithful.

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The Magic Action to Help Restore Your Scarred Relationship

Throughout relationships, it is not uncommon for people to hold on to and silently grieve past hurts dealt by their loved one. Over time, resentment builds up, and, if it’s not addressed and worked through, this can lead to making either party susceptible to infidelity.

Now, you may think this is a childish assumption, that many people would not make it a habit to let “the little things” get in the way of the relationship. However, the truth is that “the little things” build up hurt and resentment over time. As they get pushed back into our minds, these pains snowball into a big, nasty and even hateful situation.

Before things get too ugly and out of hand, there’s a free gift available to help you thwart the ugliness of built-up resentment known as forgiveness. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the past and work through old hurts in the marriage.

A learned skill, your ability to practice forgiveness is influencedby your history of forgiveness. Think back on your previous history with forgiveness. Have you ever been deeply pained by someone who’s refused to forgive you? What about someone who you may have hurt intentionally, but later deeply regret betraying? Have you ever been asked for forgiveness by people who have hurt you? Have you ever felt the heaviness of holding grudges literally seem to lift from your shoulders before?

Ask yourself if you forgive easily. People who forgive easily allow themselves the opportunity to advance past their current frame of mind and move forward without the resentment they’ve held against others.

When it comes to asking for and giving forgiveness, it will be important that you and the other party come together in agreement to work things out. The offending party is usually the party that people think should start the conversation, but the offended can start out as well, initiating the conversation with a thorough explanation of how and why they were hurt by the others’ behavior.

Should one extend an apology and request forgiveness, then the offended party should honestly answer as to whether or not they can and will forgive them. Even if the answer at the current moment is no, they let the person know that there’s a possibility that forgiveness will come in time. They can inform the other party of the changes they’ll need to see over time in order to forgive and move from there.

Now, forgiveness does not mean letting someone “get away” with what they’ve done, nor does it mean this behavior will never happen again. To the contrary, forgiveness just means that you’ve accepted that the perceived wrongs have occurred against you.

Forgiveness also means that the offending party understands how they’ve hurt you and will not repeat the behavior again with the intentions of hurting you. As expert Dave Carder writes, “Change takes time. Most of us can tolerate hurtful behavior when we see that our [loved one] is working hard at changing the pattern. To the degree you can forgive, you can build respect, and to the degree you can respect, you can build trust.”

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High-Risk Factors for People Who Have Affairs

When it comes to affairs, many people don’t realize that there was usually a perfect storm brewing prior to the onset of the affair. Family environments and personal history are highly important factors which can ultimately influence an individual to cheat in his or her marriage/relationship. Let’s explore the dynamics of these influences and understand how you or your spouse can become vulnerable to infidelity.

Pronounced History of Infidelity within the Family

Though infidelity within the family is not a topic of conversation discussed among members, modeling is one of the most powerful forms of behavior known to man. Research has shown that infidelity appears to run down family trees and can occur in every generation if the behavior is observed and imitated.

Even if children are unaware of their family history, the tension, pain and hostility between parents can become a familiar feeling that makes them susceptible to seeking the same things in their own relationships. This can ultimately end up with the adult children living out relationships that magnify this vulnerability within their exclusive relationship or in an extramarital affair.

Single Parent or Blended Families

A family that is missing it’s original nucleus experiences difficulty filling the void that the missing parent leaves behind. Even in the best cases of having a great blended family with step-parents and stepchildren, it can take years before the nurturing and bonding needed from the right figures can be effective. People who grow up in these situations arent aware of what they’re missing and can unconsciously create experiences where they’re trying to fill that unseen void.

Abusive Families and Troubled Homes

Sex and sexuality are very comforting and soothing to men. It’s believed that men who come from angry homes see sex as a reassurant that everything is okay; that they’re okay as a person, that things will be okay in life. Men who subconsciously use sex to reassure themselves develop a compulsive habit of using it as a form of medication.

Biochemically speaking, people report the highest levels of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, after sex with their signficant other. In times of distress and need, most men feel a need or desire to make love to their wives after stress or conflict. Even if nothing has improved, most men will feel everything is okay or better after sex with someone they love and care about. Have you ever felt annoyed that your husband felt sex was the answer to every difficulty or problem in your marriage?

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Is her man serving up more than drinks?

2 Years Later, I Still Don’t Trust Him

Concerned and Confused: 

We certainly agree that you’re concerned, but drop the “confused”. You’ve been with him for two years and found out about his infidelity three months into dating him. If you weren’t interested in staying with him, it wouldn’t have taken almost 21 months to figure things out. Suffice it to say, the time has come and gone for you to get over what happened in the beginning, especially if you want to move forward in partnered bliss with this man. Therefore, the question isn’t “how to get past” his cheating, but instead “How to re-establish trust in him.” 

You cannot accept his infidelity as a “slip”, because it wasn’t a one-time incident. Slips are moreso accidental f*ck-ups . A slip-up is when a man’s drunk and has a one night stand, or he has a no-strings-attached hookup after you guys argue. Additionally, slips are unplanned and usually come with lots of regret. (Not that this makes things acceptable.) What he had was a consistent series of trysts with another woman. He deliberately lied to you each and every time he was going to see her as well, making this anything but a “mistake.” If anything, the fact that he got caught acting a fool with this woman is the mistake. 

Since you took him back, we can assume that whatever he said and did to regain favor worked. Whether he begged for you to give him one more chance, or sent you roses everyday for a week, you decided to give him another opportunity to make things work in the relationship. It was at this point that you should have started the hard work required on your part to open yourself up to trusting him – and from what it sounds like, you haven’t, and are actually still stuck in the past, which isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship. If anything, your lack of trust and unwillingness to move forward is a black hole sucking the energy from your connection. 

You want to move past this infidelity? Here’s some tough love on how to do so: 

 1. Acknowledge What Happened. Stop trying to rationalize his sexual infidelity as a “slip”. Process it for what it was: a shameless affair with another woman that stopped once he realized that you weren’t having it. 

2. Accept the reality that this happened… and acknowledge that it’s hurt you. This doesn’t mean that you forget this happened, or use this opportunity to play the victim again. It means that you emotionally accept the reality of what your man did, and resolve to move forward maturely. 

3. Get over his job as it relates to you. Yes, he’s a bartender and may flirt a little as a part of his job, but that doesn’t mean he has to flirt or that he will cheat on you again. You tell us, aside from his job, he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, which is an indication that he’s doing what he needs to, leading to my last piece of advice… 

4. You Either Want Him Or You Don’t – Hurry Up and Decide. Again, 21 months … 2 years is a long time to be with someone you’re not sure about. He’s well-past what happened with the two of you, has made amends, and says he wants to spend his life with you, while in the meanwhile, you’re still trying to “get past” what happened. 

 Truthfully speakiing, if you want to get past what happened, you can and will- but only if you do the work and start to trust him again. If he’s not worth your trust by now, then it’s a clear sign that he never will be and neither of you will be happy together. With love, Elle P 

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Do Men Follow a Script When They Cheat?

While we’d personally like to think that all men are individual in the way they behave, some people swear that all men act and behave the same, especially in terms of being cheaters. But others have taken this idea even futher, expressing that some men are not only the same in cheating, but cheat in exactly the same manner.

The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat asserts this very argument. The authors, Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, proclaim that all men, whether big or small, rich or poor, follow a specific script when they’re unfaithful to their wives and girlfriends.

Landers and Mainzer describe the script as “funny, sad and amazing” all at the same time. “We think cheating revolves around love and sex and intrigue and illicit encounters- and it does. But men talk and ac as if there was a script [or] a manual they all have a copy of and took a course on.”
The Script is comprised of 31 scenes broken down into 4 parts: the Overture, Act I: BeforeHe Leaves, Act II: After He Leaves, and The Finale. Throughout the book, we learn a plentiful number of different phrases that men use that subtly – or in some cases, obviously – reveal they’re cheating.

Now, we’ll be honest. I think every man is an individual, just like every woman. However, after reading this book, we must admit that this script appears legit. Reading through the book,wea all remembered the different tales our girlfriends had on guys who had spun several of the exact same lines on them! We’re talking everything from trying to convince them they were crazy and had insecurity issues (Overture: Scene 2), to picking fights in order to create dischord and pre-separate from their women (Act 1: Scene 4) and even continuing to deny his sexual relationship with the other woman even after he’s left you (Act 2: Scene 8).

The book is easy to read, informative, mildly humorous and highly entertaining. Whether you’re current going through The Script yourself, or know someone who is, you’ll enjoy this tongue-in-cheek read that’s sure to prepare you to handle your man’s affair… or recognize the signs of it in the future.

If you’re interested in reading The Script further, check out the reviews of the book on Amazon.

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Myths about Cheating

There are many myths floating around the rumor mill about the facts surrounding a creeping partner. Some people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But is this clichéd sentiment really true? Let’s reveal some truth and kill a few myths about cheating.

Myth: People cheat because there’s something wrong in the relationship.

Truth: Despite sexist generalizations, people cheat for different reasons.

One prevalent myth is that people only cheat when they are unhappy at home. This is not entirely false, but is not always true either. Women are typically said to cheat because of dissatisfaction, while men are more often said to cheat out of curiosity, or boredom.

While there are plenty of men and women who fit into these thoughts and roles, the truth is most people cheat for varying reasons. A man can cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction and a woman can cheat for sexual variety.

Myth: Men cheat more than women do.

Truth: Women are just as likely to cheat as men are.  

Another popular falsehood about cheating is that men cheat more often than women do. Truthfully speaking, women have become more independent and it has changed the way they view getting a little sugar on the side. Some women even think they deserve to have more freedom because of the high stress levels that come with combining work and family life. Others just feel, post-Sexual Revolution, that it’s their prerogative to be sexually forward with their desires and to chase them at any costs, just as men do.

Myth: Affairs are all about the sex.

Truth: Most reasons for cheating contain an element of emotional dissatisfaction- for both sexes.

Have you ever heard that affairs were purely and physical thing, and all about sex? This isn’t true either. Often times, affairs are means of emotional compensation. Some relationships, without sex are often so emotionally intimate that they are equally as inappropriate as physical trysts.

Now that we’ve gone through one of the myths, remember that there are ways you can work to reduce the likelihood of infidelity in your relationship. Maintaining a completely honest relationship will help reduce miscommunications and hurt feelings. Take time, on a regular basis, to show your partner that you appreciate them.

On a final note, if you have been feeling vulnerable or upset, or have been considering an affair, do not drink when you are in possibly tempting situations. This will help keep you from doing anything regrettable.

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Should I Forgive Cheating Boyfriend? He Cheated on Me Because He Was Depressed

Hi there,

I was hoping for some advice. I have been seeing my boyfriend for just over six months and our relationship was wonderful, until he lost his job. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at first. But then he started asking for very specific things in the bedroom, and asking me to dye my hair, all of which was very odd.

He finally got a job about 3 weeks ago, and the week he started, he began shutting me out. We also stopped having sex because it became awkward. I would initiate it and he wouldn’t want to or he would instruct me. It felt like nothing I did was good enough for him. Then he stopped initiating sex and said he loved me but wasn’t sure if he fancied me anymore.

I discovered two days after the last time we had sex, he contacted another woman off a dating website and had a sexual affair. He was seeing me in between and being very loving, but no sex with me. I found out last Friday because when he dumped her, she contacted me and told me everything.

 I was devastated because I felt it was so out of character for him. I spent the weekend making sure he fully understands how much he has hurt me and what he’s lost. I told him not to contact me again but I am convinced that he now gets it. He’s very confused but still really misses me and wants to be back with me having realized (finally) the massive error he has made. He has emailed a couple of times and I really miss him.

My question is whether you think it would be possible in time for me to forgive him and start again? I believe he acted this way because he was depressed and had low self-esteem because when we met he was a very happy and confident person and looking back this ebbed away during the time he was unemployed. Is it possible that depression impaired his judgment, and is that enough for me to excuse, or at least move on from his behaviour eventually? I am so confused and I am going to arrange to have counseling to work through the effect it has had on me. Thanks for any advice. Debbie x

Hi Debbie!

It seems as if you dumped your boyfriend as a form of punishment, and not because you were ready to move on. With that being said, it’s important that you take the time to reflect upon whether or not you truly want to be in a relationship with him, or you simply miss him. While 6 months is not a long time to be with someone in the grand scheme of things, it is a long enough period of time to build some sense of attachment to him, especially if you guys lived together during this period. So there’s a chance you really do miss him and long for the relationship to work, but there’s also a strong possibility that you’re simply attached to him and scared to move on.

We can’t tell you not to take him back; the choice is yours in the end. But there will have to be a lot of work done, perhaps on both his and your part, in order for this to work. Our advice varies based on your ultimate choice. Read our tips for the best ways to deal with a cheating boyfriend or survive infidelity – especially since this is so fresh.

If you take him back, put him on a probationary period. When we start a new job, employers give us 30 days to a full year to prove ourselves worthy and effective to their business. Likewise, if we’ve been on a job for a period of time but violate the workplace rules, we may be given a verbal warning and a probationary period to clean up our act before we’re canned.

The truth is, while no time in a relationship can ever be “wasted,” you can use his bad boy behavior to strengthen yourself as a woman, so that he (or any other guy you may date) knows what your boundaries are. Don’t be afraid to tell him if he wants to stay with you, he’ll have to rectify his behavior. There are so many reasons men cheat, and drastic changes of life are a big motivator. His lack of employment would have been a big motivator except for the fact that he cheated when he started a new job. Therefore, that’s not an excuse.

He also stated that he did not “know if he fancied” you anymore. That, coupled with the fact that he tried to change you, sexually and in appearance, reflects something going on within him. He’s the one who needed change, not you. But instead of being able to see the need for himself to change, he chose to project it onto you – something we’re sure didn’t feel like love (and we hope you didn’t comply!).

Let him know he has 3-6 months to get his act together. Tell him what you want to see change. Do you want him to stop making you feel insecure about your appearance and sexual prowess? Let him know. Would you appreciate more quality time? Let him know. Also advise him it would be in his best interest to be upfront and honest, so that you can believe he’s ready to have an open and loving relationship. If he cannot or does not provide this in the 6 month time period, let him know it’s been fun and show him the door.

If you choose to stay single, breathe a sigh of relief and keep walking. There’s no excuse for someone to cheat on you, especially when you’re as supportive and open as you can be. 99% of the time infidelity has to do with the cheater and not the person he cheated on – whether he cheated on you, he cheated on me, or he cheated on her. Either way, kudos to you for counseling- whether you stay or not, counseling can help you fix the negative cycles you endure in your relationship and make you a better person!

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Sex to Reconnect with Cheating Spouse

Rebuilding your sexual relationship with a cheating spouse after they’ve had an affair can be a difficult situation.  Between the two of you, there’s a lot of emotion, confusion, and self-consciousness that will need to be handled in order to create a safe environment for intimacy.

A Cheating Husband May Use Sex as a Method of Intimacy

To make matters worse, sex will be as much of a rollercoaster as your feelings are. Sometimes it won’t be good enough, and there are things that should (or shouldn’t) have been done. You’ll want him to kiss you there, or not touch you at all. You’ll want him to do it right, or don’t do it at all. There will be times he’ll pull out all the stops short from swinging from a chandelier with a rose tucked between his teeth and you’ll still fall short of bliss.

For most men, sexual intimacy is one of their easiest forms of communication and reconnection, especially after an affair. Sexual intimacy doesn’t involve lots of verbal expression, but it’s still possible that sex won’t be easy for him either. He may miss his sexual relationship with the other woman, even if he’s made a clear decision to save your marriage or committed relationship. He might also find it hard to sustain an erection out of guilt or fear that if he doesn’t perform as you desire, you’ll think he’s still cheating on you. Anxiety can impede his sexual performance in other ways, making him absent-minded and uncomfortable.

On the other hand, he may also pursue you at top speed for sex, as he thinks it’s a method to prove he still loves you. Many women react unfavorably, assuming their husbands see them as a sexual object, but we implore you not to. If he primarily connected to you with sex before the affair, chances are he’ll continue to do so after the affair.

Another challenge to having sex again after an affair is dealing with the other woman. She will continue to be part of your sex life long after she’s been removed from the picture. Your husband may think longingly of her, fantasize about her or desire her and potentially feel guilt about it as well. You too, will think of her, perhaps to wonder how you compare to her, or in an angry manner. When either or both of you channel her mentally during sex, this will bring the passion in your bedroom down.

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Even though your husband vows to make things right, the other woman can still impede on your marriage.

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My Cheating Husband Still Talks to The Other Woman

Your husband’s mistress is aware of the fact that you know about her sexual affair with your husband. She’s also aware that you two are reconciling, and that there isn’t any room for her in your husband’s life anymore. Despite this information, she is adamant about having a place in his life, creating opportunities for small talk between them, and even tries to seduce him to give it another try. You tell your husband that he needs to tell her to get over it and leave him alone, but he accuses you of making a big deal out of nothing.

If his reaction pisses you off, this is understandable. Why would anyone think your reaction is anything but justified considering the history between these two, nevermind the fact that she’s still trying to sleep with him? However, you have to take a look at your husband’s behavior. Is he encouraging the other woman’s behavior? Does he still talk to her on the phone, email her or act in a manner that would send a message saying that it’s only a “matter of time” before he’s back in her arms? If so, then you might want to discuss why he’s still so pleasant with her, and see if you need to be on guard. His pleasantries don’t guarantee that he’ll cheat again but they can be a strong signal to watch out for him.

If it appears your husband does not entertain this woman’s insistent cries for attention, then continue to encourage his good behavior. You must put your faith on a limb and learn to trust him again, especially if he’s putting in the work worthy of him doing so. As he reports what she does, be grateful and thankful for his honesty in approaching you to update you. Ignore her, as she most likely wants to know that she still has an effect on your relationship and may revel in this knowledge.

Should you find that your husband’s former mistress won’t let up and you still wish to confront her, try to approach her in a calm, level-headed manner. If she becomes abrasive, rude or just otherwise shows you that she doesn’t care about your marriage, then it will have to be up to your husband to set the record straight. If this is an office romance, then you’ll probably have to ask him to confront his supervisors (although this can make for a sticky situation at work). Hopefully, your husband will realize that his cheating has lingering effects and will finally bite the bullet and do whatever’s necessary to get – and keep- this obssessed woman out of your lives. Now if you find out he’s actually been still messing with her and actively leading the both of you on…

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