Cheating to Purposely Make Someone Break Up With You

You’re not happy with your wife. You know you’re sick and tired of her, and you would really rather not be married to her much longer. The thought of spending the rest of your lives together, while hopeful at first, now throws you into a deep depression.

You feel stifled, hopeless and broken. You want to end things with her, but you know it won’t be easy. She’s going to push counseling. She’ll want to uphold religious views on marriage. She’ll cite something along the lines of, “marriage is forever,” and your families will back this sentiment.

So, instead of manning up and staying true to your desires, you devise a plan to coax her into doing the dirty work for you: you cheat on her. Cheating on your wife not only sends the message that you’re no longer interested in being faithful to her; it gives you hope that she’ll take the required steps to end the marriage and file for divorce.

Yea, you’ll look like a lying, cheating jerk to everyone who knows the both of you, but it’s the risk you’re willing to take to avoid being the one to “stir up trouble” – even though that’s exactly what you’ve done by having an affair to begin with.

If you’re the cowardly cheater, realize that your inability to end things does not make the situation any better for the person you’re cheating on. If your marriage has been damaged beyond any repair you desire to handle, then it’s time to accept your choice to let it go.

If you were cheated on, and this is how the marriage ended, accept the fact that this might have been out of your control from the moment your ex-husband felt this way. As painful as it may sound, cowardly affairs are designed to force your hand. Some people so desperately fear breaking up with the other person that they cannot just cut to the point and end things, even if that’s what they truly want. Sometimes they’re scared to take responsibility for the pain their choice would cause, and instead turn to cheating as an alternative method of communicating displeasure.

Is Every Marriage Equally At Risk for Infidelity or A Sexual Affair?

No marriage is the same as the next, but certain types of marriages that appear to be more prone to infidelity than others. As we review them, keep in mind that while your marriage may fit into any one of these types, this does not guarantee that it will be wrecked by infidelity. Everyone’s situation is different and must be handled accordingly.

Windshield Wiper Marriages

Windshield wiper marriages are frought with bickering, criticism, teasing and open conflict and anger towards one another. As marriage expert Dave Carder writes in Close Calls, “they are like a set of windshield wipers- close in proximity, but always the same distance apart, never meeting, and therefore avoiding intimacy.”

Both husband and wife may never openly discuss this distance between each other, but it’s a silent understanding that’s maintained regularly. While these lovers may appear to be in a negative love affair, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The cycles of pain and verbal onslaught are comfortable and therefore safe to both parties, making them feel a sense of reassurance.

Although most couples work to move past certain issues, this type of couple works hard to avoid resolution; it would end the conflict. In fact, any move to change on one partner’s side will spark intense efforts from the other to pull them right back into the normal spiral of conflict.

Windshield wiper marriages will give both partners a sense of power within the relationship. If one spouse has an affair, it’s more than possible that the other will elect to have one as well, just to “get back” at them. Additionally, this method of a marriage will allow both partners to contribute to the family lifestyle without interfering with each other’s life.

Dial Tone

Dial Tones are highly predictable marriages which neatly avoid conflict. Both spouses have rigid roles in their relationship and fight to remain steadfast to them. The motto for the dial tone marriage is “peace at any price.”

Carder says that many Christian marriages can fall under this trap, as the couples seek to set a “Christian example” of how marriage and conflicts are handled. However, “the ability to treat each other with mutual respect and to be human and honest with yourself, others and God” is missing from the relationship.

Both partners may feel strangely comfortable in this routine, until that is, a dangerously attractive person appears in one of their lives. Sudden, passionate emotions bubble to the surface for the stagnant partner, and they may feel that they’re “brought back to life” again. If this spouse changes his or her behavior, the other spouse might feel puzzled, and state things such as, “Well he/she never acted like this before!”

If and when it’s discovered that the enlivened spouse has had an affair, it’s very easy for the “perfect” spouse, the one who “hasn’t changed”, to pin the blame on the cheater. But this is incorrect; according to most experts, both parties are at fault for the deterioration of this marriage.

marriages at risk for sexual affairs infidelities

Empty Nesters

Empty nest marriages involve spouses who have put everything to the side for approximately twenty years or so, after having devoted such time to raising their children. Having expended so much energy on children, one or both parents have nothing left to talk about; they’ve lost their spark along the way.

Since the marriage has lost it’s importance during the duration of child-rearing years, the future looks bleak. It’s not uncommon for a vulnerable and scared spouse to act out and seek that spark with an extramarital party. Having no idea of how vulnerable and needy they were for adult intimacy, someone can easily fall into an affair after their children leave the roost and they find it difficult to reconnect with their spouse.

Defining Infidelity – Is it Only for Married Couples?

There are so many discussons on what it means to cheat, as well as what, specifically, cheating is.

As explained by Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D., infidelity is the “breaking of trust.” In his book, Infidelity: A Survival Guide, Lusterman states, “Infidelity occurs when one partner in a relationship continues to believe that the agreement to be faithful I still in force, while the other is secretly violating it.”

Now, many people reason that the only relationship worthy of fidelity and faithfulness is marriage. After all, when you marry someone you’re making a public commitment to them; marriage isn’t only a public commitment, it’s a legally binding one that can only be dissolved through death or divorce. Other relationships can be long-term and monogamous, but there are no legal obligations for participating parties to remain steadily involved.

This type of rationalization makes a lot of sense for most people; why treat your relationship like a written contract when there’s nothing but a verbal agreement?

At the end of the day, however, this argument is still not enough to excuse infidelity within a committed relationship. Not every relationship will be legally entitled to marriage, but as long as both parties made an exclusive agreement to remain faithful to one another, then there’s an expectation for this agreement to be honored.

Therefore, if you’re going to talk the talk – and commit yourself to somebody exclusively – then you need to walk the walk and do what’s necessary to adhere to that commitment. A commitment to monogamy is a serious one that deserves respect, regardless of it’s legally respected or not. Using the fact that you’re not married to downplay infidelity is not only crass, but shows you’re not an honorable individual, especially where it matters most.

Should Elin Have Expected – and Accepted Tiger’s Cheating?

The recent storm of Tiger Woods’ alleged sexual affairs with as many as 11 mistresses has taken the media hostage. It seems nobody expected the PGA’s golden boy to tarnish his squeaky clean image with the possibility of one sexual infidelity, much less the multiple sexual infidelities made public within a span of days.

This all started on November 27, 2009 in the wee hours of the morning. Initial reports stated that Tiger was in a car accident with his prized Cadillac Escalade, damaging property and running into a fire hydrant. Supposedly, Elin “ran out of the house with a golf club after hearing the crash” and found Tiger unconscious with lacerations. Supposedly, innocent Mrs. Woods had no idea that her husband was entering or exiting the house, and was shocked to see him in such a peculiar situation. (Riiiiiight, tell us anything – we’ll eat it up like mother’s Sunday potroast. Not!)

Now, we (obviously) all felt the story was preposterous from the beginning, and felt a sense of vindication when Woods finally admitted to “transgressions” against his family. (Insert scoff here!) As the first mistress, Rachel Uchitel, was outed to the media, she was followed by former Tool Academy reality actress Jaimee Grubbs and 9 others whose careers range from party girls and event planners to porn stars and everyday girls next door.  

While these alleged mistresses are running their mouths and holding on to their 15 minutes of fame, Elin Nordegren – Woods has remained unusually silent about her side of the story. All we currently know is that she’s in talks to have her pre-nuptial agreement revamped to increase her payout from $20 million to over $55 million plus perks for staying with Woods.

Since we cannot get close to Mrs. Woods at the moment, we can only speculate on whether or not Elin knew this was coming. Should Elin have expected Tiger to swing his Cablinasian, Cablasian – whatever he calls himself – club on other open ranges of green? Or was she entitled to believing that he’d have kept his good-old fist pump at home?

Mixed Responses on Athletes and Infidelity

The answer is both yes and no; it varies according to whom you ask. Most people, like Chris Rock, believe that a man is only “as faithful as his options.” Tiger, being a world-renowned golfer with multi-million dollar endorsements and breaking records in history as the first Black man to takeover golf, would be a prime example of a man with an expansive list of options. After all, he’s not the first or the last powerful man, athlete, celebrity or politician to cheat on his wife: many celebrities and powerful figures have had sexual affairs.

Sports writer Jason Whitlock argues that Tiger was ensconced in a “cesspool…[and has] never portrayed himself as a religious holy roller…[eliminating any] reason for surprise about any of this.” Futhermore, Whitlock and other men rationalize that professional athletes and figures feel a sense of entitlement about having affairs; it’s a fiduciary responsibility for the celebrity to attract girls for their friends, even if they’re married, and they assert there’s usually an unspoken agreement that sexual affairs are accepted, so long as the spouse isn’t publicly humiliated by their extramarital activity. In fact, we’ve even read articles stating that Tiger Woods’ Vedic astrological chart inclines him to having sexual affairs, because he has a “porn star planetary combination” in his zodiac charts.

Those who disagree, state that Tiger, like any other man, has morals and ethics to live up to, and his celebrity status don’t supercede his moral responsibility to keep that golf club from swinging in the wrong country club.

“A man with morals, no matter who he is or how many women throw themselves at him, will not concede to have some whore in his hotel room or in his bed,” a dear friend told us.

“Why get married and make a vow of monogamy if you’re not planning to keep it? Nobody put a gun to his head and forced [Tiger] to marry [Elin]!” another lady angrily protested on a webforum.

Some of us have completely mixed feelings. As summed up perfectly by one of our editorial assistants, Elin should have expected it, but at the same time she shouldn’t have to expect it.

“Marriage usually doesn’t make provisions for athletes and powerful men to be excused for humiliating their wives. However, the truth of the matter is that society accepts it, and these women are expected to turn the other cheek and find solace in their husbands’ status and financial stability. Money doesn’t keep you warm at night, but who cares because the prevailing thought is that you’ll at least be able to afford 1500-count Italian sheets to sleep in while your husband’s cheating.”

My Wife Cheated on Me. Would an Open Relationship Help Us Sexually?

I’ve been married to my wife for over 5 years, but we’ve been in a relationship for 8. Our sex life has always been wonderful in my opinion, but after having kids, everything changed. My wife complained that there was never enough time or energy left for us to have sex, and only had sex with me once in a blue to “get it over with.” I recently found out she’d been sleeping with another man while refusing to have sex with me.

She says she’s remorseful that she cheated, but says it’s because our sex life has become routine and boring. She said she still loves me but wants to continue to have the freedom to sleep with other men. The thought of my wife with another man kills me, but I want our marriage to work. Would an open relationship help us sexually?

Our hearts go out to you in this difficult time. The short answer for your question is no.

We feel the problem in your marriage isn’t the sex; it’s just manifested through sex. Chances are opening the relationship will only invite more trouble. It will be a temporary cosmetic facelift covering an unresolved issue.

You see, despite how much sex is involved with affairs, it’s not the motivating force for most cheaters. Affairs usually cater to the betrayer’s need to escape from or acquire something they feel is missing, usually within themselves or their primary relationship. The tricky part is, it’s hard to determine exactly what this person is seeking or eluding- they themselves usually don’t know.

If the infidelity truly has roots in sexual dissatisfaction, especially post-marriage and child-bearing, your wife may have stopped feeling desirable and sexual due to the Madonna/Whore complex. The Madonna/Whore complex is a psychological complex where a person (usually male) develops trouble having a combined respect for a woman who is both loving and motherly and sexual. This person may separate women into categories, viewing “idealized” good women into sacred, non-sexual, virtuous women, and placing sexualized, liberated women into a “touchable” category.

This complex can deeply affect how a man relates to his wife, or a woman relates to herself or her husband. A man, for example, may love and adore his wife, yet find that he’s lost the ability to see her in a sexual manner, especially if she’s mothered his children. This man may have a string of affairs with other women whom are not necessarily more attractive than his wife, but are sexually stimulating, because their primary role for him is sexual gratification.
A woman may find that, once she’s married a man, she feels pressured to appear more sexually reserved and pure, in order to live up to societal pressures on what the “role” of a “virtuous, pure” wife entails. Now that I’m a married mother with children, I shouldn’t be thinking of sexual satisfaction with my husband, she may think. I have to focus on raising my children, being a great mother and doing everything for my family. Appealing to my husband’s desire for sex- much less my own- would be wholly inappropriate, and not something a good wife does. Only bad wives and whores are concerned with sex.

 
Now, if this feeling is truly reflects your wife’s sentiments, she might have compartmentalized her sexuality in response. These actions have nothing to do with you, and everything about how she considers her role in the family unit according to learned beliefs and values. Since she would feel it’s inappropriate to be sexually satisfied as a wife, she’ll be more inclined to desire an extramarital partner as an outlet to enjoy that gratification without “challenging” her role in your marriage. In her mind, she’s your good, chaste wife, but his unrestrained sexual partner.
Now, if you want to continue rebuilding your marriage with your wife, it will take a lot of work. First of all, she’s shattered your trust in her as a committed and honest partner. There is a broken bridge of trust that will require a long reconstruction period, even if you plan to allow each other sexual freedom. Your wife will have to work hard to show that she’s trustworthy and willing to do the hard work required to make this marriage work.

There’s a great possibility that you not only feel betrayed, but are experiencing a great mix of emotions including humiliation and emasculation, that you don’t feel comfortable expressing to anyone you know. This may especially include your wife; after all, she’s the one who triggered these emotions. This is fine and completely normal.
We suggest that you consider counseling, either with a trusted marriage advisor in your house of worship or an accredited national therapist. You can choose to seek help with your spouse, alone or both, and work towards understanding the events that took place and how they have affected you. Counseling can help one or both of you realize the importance of redeveloping an open environment for honest communication, something that will be required even if your wife decides she wants an open marriage.

Now if after all else, your wife still wants an open marriage, you will have to decide whether or not that is something you can live with. An open marriage sounds like a convenient solution, but it can be open up a new can of worms. Most spouses would never want to see their husband/wife sexually involved with someone other than them, and insecurity can create an obsession with whether or not the other person is doing something they themselves can’t. Oftentimes, if both parties aren’t up for the situation, the end result is disaster and further disintegration of the marriage.
If you decide you’re interested in trying an open marriage, have a thorough discussion about your partner concerning all the rules of engagement in this situation. Is she only allowed to have two or three partners at a time? Will you have to pre-approve who she sleeps with? What sexual activities are off limits? What will happen when the other parties want something more than sex? How will emotional attachments be handled?
If you decide you’re not interested in an open marriage, be firm in telling your wife that you will not tolerate such an arrangement, but that you’re more than willing to do what it takes to recapture the flames that have been lost and improve the relationship that the two of you have. Let her know what your alternatives are. Either way, you have as much right to assert your desires as she does. You both have a right to be happy and discover a peaceable solution.

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