Why Do I Want to Understand His Infidelity?

There are so many reasons why people have affairs, and there are many names for these different types of affairs. When Good People Have Affairs discusses seventeen different types of affairs that people have and what motivates them. Recognizing the motives of an affair helps cheating men, betrayed women and those caught in the devastation to understand and resolve the behavior. Simply put, when you know why something happens, and how it occurs, you can take steps to prevent history from repeating itself.

Generally speaking, affairs serve several purposes for people. Even if you discover one reason as to how and why your cheating spouse’s affair occurred, it’s always wise to continue researching and looking into the matter, as it may only reveal part of the story.

Also, understanding why your lover cheated on you may clarify some things that you may have never thought about. For example, if you’ve always assumed that you were the reason he cheated, you may discover (in a somewhat bittersweet way) that it had nothing to do with you. You may instead learn that he simply wanted some variety, felt insecure about himself, had been seeking an illicit way to relieve stress, or always fantasized about having an affair. On the other hand, this may further upset you, and rightfully so, because it displays how selfish your cheating boyfriend was.

Overall, though, it’s important that you keep a clear head and an open mind when you embark on an exploration of your cheating boyfriend’s psyche. Although the discovery of his unfaithfulness is painful, aggravating and enraging, your ultimate goal should be to have a clearer understanding of how his mind thinks. Even if you do not opt to stay with him, you’ll be equipped with the clarity necessary for closure so you don’t bring this baggage into your next relationship.

To learn about seventeen types of affairs that people have and why they cheat, check out When Good People Have Affairs on Amazon.

Babies, Funerals Cause for A Sexual Affair?

Family situations and personal challenges are unbelievably influential in whether or not someone is going to cheat, but what about personal risk? Does depression incease the possibility of your husband cheating? What if he loses his job, or someone close to him dies?

According to Christian relationship expert Dave Carders, situational factors definitely influence a person’s potential to cheat on their significant other. “Often there are situational factors that weigh heavily into the initiation of [infidelity],” he writes in his bestselling book Close Calls. “Two of these areas are high-risk times and high-risk behaviors.”

High-Risk Times

High-risk times refer to great times of stress and change in relationships. Many times, these times are life-altering and require major adjustment on one’s part in order to fully absorb the changes that are made to their routines.

Death or Loss

Death of a loved one is a common high-risk time for people. Research has indicated that spouses and couples actually experience an increase in their sex life following the death of a loved one.

Many times, both parties in the marriage or relationship will experience difficulty connecting because they’re both in mourning during this period. They may preserve their energy in order to work through the day instead of expending effort in consoling one another.

As we’ve discussed before, men have a real pattern of using sex to comfort themselves. If they’re not getting emotional support and care from their wives at home, there’s potential for them to seek outside refuge in the arms of another woman, as having sex will still release oxytocin, which comforts them and makes them feel less “alone” in times of need.

Pregnancy

There are several reasons why pregnancy carries an increased risk of infidelity in men. First and foremost, a man is adjusting to the fact that the relationship isn’t all about him anymore; he now has to share the spotlight with another person, his own child. Second, he has to spend an extra amount of time catering to the woman carrying his child for the approximately 9 weeks or so that she’s carrying the child.

To add to this, women usually go through a lot during their pregnancies. Hormones shift and change, and women can become emotionally unstable, sensitive and possess lower libidos, resulting in a lack off sexual desire. In turn, the changes which take place in the female’s body, such as weight gain, make her less visually appealing to her husband, and therefore divert his sexual desire away from her.

Once the baby comes, pressures of being a new parent add strain to the relationship. Many women experience post-partum depression, while others become completely consumed with thebaby and lose desire to connect with their partners. Resentment, stress and the need to “get away from it all” can cause an otherwise great man to cheat – all because he wants attention that he feels is no longer readily available to him.

Relationship expert and author Dave Carder discusses stressful life changes which further influence infidelity in his groundbreaking book, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage. Click for unbiased reviews on Amazon.

Defining Infidelity – Is it Only for Married Couples?

There are so many discussons on what it means to cheat, as well as what, specifically, cheating is.

As explained by Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D., infidelity is the “breaking of trust.” In his book, Infidelity: A Survival Guide, Lusterman states, “Infidelity occurs when one partner in a relationship continues to believe that the agreement to be faithful I still in force, while the other is secretly violating it.”

Now, many people reason that the only relationship worthy of fidelity and faithfulness is marriage. After all, when you marry someone you’re making a public commitment to them; marriage isn’t only a public commitment, it’s a legally binding one that can only be dissolved through death or divorce. Other relationships can be long-term and monogamous, but there are no legal obligations for participating parties to remain steadily involved.

This type of rationalization makes a lot of sense for most people; why treat your relationship like a written contract when there’s nothing but a verbal agreement?

At the end of the day, however, this argument is still not enough to excuse infidelity within a committed relationship. Not every relationship will be legally entitled to marriage, but as long as both parties made an exclusive agreement to remain faithful to one another, then there’s an expectation for this agreement to be honored.

Therefore, if you’re going to talk the talk – and commit yourself to somebody exclusively – then you need to walk the walk and do what’s necessary to adhere to that commitment. A commitment to monogamy is a serious one that deserves respect, regardless of it’s legally respected or not. Using the fact that you’re not married to downplay infidelity is not only crass, but shows you’re not an honorable individual, especially where it matters most.

If He goes to a Strip Club, Does that Mean He’ll Cheat?

Going to a strip club doesn’t mean he’s cheating…

Your boyfriend mentions going to a strip club with his buddies and you immediately go into panic mode. Flashes of Demi Moore ripping open her top, business execs smoking cigars, silicone, and 8″ Lucite heels race through your head. Don’t worry, you’re not alone – any woman who hasn’t had the pleasure of a lobotomy would react the same way. But do pleather thongs and body glitter necessarily mean that your man is going to cheat on you?

The real, completely unsatisfactory, answer to that question is you never know. Now, I would say that it doesn’t matter the situation or environment, all that matters is your man’s character (and willpower) – but the women who are so convinced of their man’s perfection are also the ones who seem to be the ones who catch their little angels cheating more often than not, so for now let’s put aside character and look at the facts.

Strip clubs are fantasies, but they don't equate to a need for cheating.

Fact #1 – Not all Strip Clubs, or Strippers, are Created Equal:

Palm trees line the red carpet as he walks into the unmarked door. A fine mist slowly disperses, revealing a scantily clad model. Handing him a glass of champagne, she beckons with one perfectly manicured finger. “Come in, we’ve been waiting for you.”

Ok, NOT. If you’re dating George Clooney then that might be the high-class establishment you can expect your man to visit. But if your man is one of us normal people, it’s more likely that he and his buddies will hand their money to some fat guy in a security tee then seat themselves in cheap plastic chairs. A cocktail waitress – who is only a cocktail waitress at a strip club because nobody wants to see her strip – comes over to take orders to fulfill their 2-drink minimum. The dancing starts and the only 5-or-better in the room is the Seven and Seven your man just ordered from the waitress.

Not exactly the tempting and seductive scene you pictured. I once went to a strip club with my long-term boyfriend (side note: going with your man to the strip club is always an option) and we simultaneously felt-embarrassed-for/unmercifully-mocked this one stripper whose unruly brown hair kept poking out of her Kim Zolciak mermaid wig.

True, most guys don’t care about the atmosphere, they just wanna see some tits. And true, there are strippers who don’t completely resemble Amy Winehouse. Which brings us to Fact #2…

Fact #2 – The World is Your Oyster, and Your Strip Club:

Strip clubs are so scary for women because we can’t help but view them as a one-stop temptation for our men – mixing booze, boobs, and boyfriends never seems like a good idea. But the truth is a man doesn’t need a strip club to be tempted by some skank in a short skirt – any trip to the mall, local bar, or friend’s house can have the same end result. Of course, having girls covered in oil writhing in front of him might be a tad more appealing than the checkout girl at Best Buy, but in either situation the act of cheating and the burden that comes along with it rests on your man’s shoulders.

Forbidding your guy from going to a strip club solely based on your insecurities isn’t going to make him be faithful to you – in fact, it might end up pushing him away. Instead of spending your time second-guessing your relationship, spend some quality time with your man. The closer you two get, the harder it’ll be for someone to come between you, especially someone with size 34GG fake boobs. So have a little faith and look on the bright side – the next time a girls’ night rolls around, your man will have nothing to say to you besides, “Have fun, hun.”

- Guest expert D. Estepan

Dealing With Infidelity – When the Cheater Blames You

My husband cheated on me. He broke my heart and it feels like your world is shifting. Is this really happening? Take a few deep breaths, you tell yourself, Just listen to what it is that he has to say.

He opens his mouth to speak, and you are positive that you just misunderstood what he just said. Did he just say it was your fault he cheated? There he goes again, repeating it. He did say it was your fault. Have you gone insane?

The good news is that you’re not crazy. The bad news is, it’ going to feel like you are. Oftentimes, when someone is responsible for breaking the trust in your relationship, married or dating, he will try to shift the blame. Your husband might say you weren’t affectionate enough or too affectionate. He may say you didn’t have time for him and didn’t want to have sex enough.

Whatever your boyfriend or husband’s reasons are for cheating, you need to know that you are NOT responsible for his cheating. True, there may be some things that are flawed in the RELATIONSHIP because of your behaviors, but you cannot be held responsible for how your husband/boyfriend/fiancé reacts to that behavior.

If you want this relationship sorted out, you two need to sit down, and hash things out. You also need to be strong enough to require that he take accountability for his infidelity before you even consider trying to restore your relationship.

It’s really difficult to forgive a husband cheating on you, a man who has betrayed your trust in such a powerful way, especially when he deflects the blame. Such actions are a sign of immaturity and need to be addressed if you’re really interested in working things out. Talk to your man about going to see a couple’s therapist. They will be able to help you both express how you really feel about your future and let go of the past.

No matter what, chica, remember his behavior is NOT your responsibility – NO MATTER WHAT.

Boyfriend Cheated with Ex-Wife and Mother of His Children. How Do I Survive His Infidelity?

Ok, so my boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship.  We have been together for a little over a year.  He cheated on me with his ex wife when he went to visit his children at christmas.  They live in different states and he only gets to see them once a year.  So I understand he wants  to go there but im scared he going to do it again.  He told me that he only did it to get back at her.  to make her think they were going to get back together,  and he also said he wanted her to see that he could just “fuck” her with no emotion.  These two statements seem contradictory to me.  He also told her that I was bad in bed “to get back at her”.  I just dont know what to think about any of this.  hes there with them right now for the next three weeks and he swears hes sleeping on the couch and he isnt doing anything wrong.  is there any way I can get over this?

Sweetie, you can get over anything you choose to, and we’re confident that you will get over this situation. Unfortunately, we think you need to dump him and move on in the process! He’s playing you and his ex-wife like a card game, and you need to pull out now! This is not a relationship, it’s a manipulative mind game for him against the two of you!
Essentially, your cheating boyfriend put you, him and his ex-wife in a nasty, sticky love triangle where things can (and will) get really ugly unless you step away. His lame excuses make no sense when you think about it, and they only serve to display how disgusting and selfish he really is. Let’s break this whole mess down.

First, he tells you he had sex with her for all the WRONG reasons: to play with her emotions, and then to prove that he could “fuck” her without emotion. Okay, first of all, playing with someone’s emotions, especially in a romantic sense, is akin to a death wish. Nobody takes being sexually used and manipulated lightly, and it leads to serious trouble. Second, “f*cking” someone just to prove that you can is a stupid excuse. Who is he proving this to? The answer: Nobody but himself. Truthfully speaking, his piss poor explanation would have been better off if it had been “I f*cked her because I wanted to.”

What disturbs me most is that your boyfriend is telling his ex-wife about YOUR sex life, and using it as a tool to pry her legs open. He tells you it’s to get back at her, but let’s be honest… If your ex-boyfriend tells you that his new wife isn’t as pretty as you, would it truly hurt your feelings? Nope, in fact it would make you feel better, and even like you have one-up on her because he thinks you’re better looking than she is. You’d feel pretty damned smug about the situation, even if you’re not back together with him. Now, switch out the “pretty” part for the “better in bed” part and you see how the wife feels. This cheating ex-boyfriend (this is what you REALLY should call him now) has effectively manipulated his ex-wife, who probably still loves and wants him, into thinking that he really loves and wants her back, and that his new girlfriend, YOU, aren’t holding his interest and that you suck in bed (no pun intended).

Discovery of a boyfriend cheating is painful, but he's not worth the tears when he's manipulative.

The bottom line: Your boyfriend cheating is a sign he cannot be trusted. Honestly speaking, his behavior is putting both you and his ex-wife in a nasty sexual competition for his affection (and to boost his own ego). Though it’s possible that this was a one time instance, we say it’s unlikely. Your cheating boyfriend doesn’t respect either of you; if he did, he wouldn’t have cheated on you, he wouldn’t have had sex with her,and he wouldn’t continue to play with his ex-wife’s emotions for sex. As a matter of fact, if he had respect for himself as well, none of this would have happened in the first place.

Going forward, he’s at her house now, and it’s safe to say that he’s sleeping with her. Despite what is said, when an ex-couple have children, unless both people have thoroughly moved on or are actively handling their breakup properly, they can complicate things for themselves as well as others. Even though your cheating man says he’s moved on, his actions clearly show that he hasn’t. A man who has moved on doesn’t need to emotionally manipulate his ex-wife; he’ll be more concerned about spending time with his children (and work to see them more than ONCE per year, that’s just SORRY) and building a respectful, cordial relationship with her. He still has an attachment, and feelings, toward his ex-wife, even if they are negative. That’s for him to recognize and work on. As for his ex-wife, she’s obviously in love with him, and is willing to put up with his antics for now, at least for the sake of their children.

You, on the other hand, have no children with him, and have a free pass to end the relationship. He seems like a dead weight, and there doesn’t seem to be anything positive coming from him, especially when he’s so openly negative and evil toward someone he once committed his life to and had children with. If he’s this disgusting with her, what makes you think he’d be so different when you guys break up? This man is showing you who he is, and you need to believe it! And let’s not mention those piss poor excuses; they seem to be hinting that he finds you gullible and liable to believe any hot mess that comes out his mouth! You can’t go for that, can you?

In closing, while we acknowledge we cannot force you to dump him, we must remind you that YOU show people how to treat you. His infidelity was an opportunity for you to show him who you are as a person and how you demand to be treated. If you told him before that you cannot stand cheaters, then his infidelity was an opportunity for you to remind him that you cannot stand for it, and walk away. If you choose to stay with him, you need to develop a strong attitude about whether or not you can deal with infidelity, the idea of him spending time away from you with his kids (and the ex-wife), and whether or not this relationship is truly something you want to save. Is he willing to do what it takes to prove he’s faithful now? If not, then that’s another sign that you might want to move on!

Wishing you the best,

He Cheated On Me

Does He Even Care He Cheated?

He cheated. You feel isolated, lonely, vulnerable, confused and angry. Those are all reasonable and normal emotions, but you begin to wonder if he has any. Have you ever been cheated on and then wondered if your guy even cared about the fact that he betrayed your trust? Sometimes, the way our men behave after their affair has been discovered affects us more harshly than the infidelity itself.

What do they do differently?

Men sometimes are quicker to seek forgiveness for an affair than a woman would be if she were the one who cheated. We tend to beat ourselves up outwardly, where men do it privately, and it sometimes looks like anger or nonchalance.

If a man has cheated several times before, and he doesn’t appear to be remorseful, it might not be an act. It could be that he genuinely takes you for granted, and you probably need to seek professional help together or end the relationship entirely.  This is a vicious cycle, and unless it changes, only you will be hurt in the end.

Another thing that men do differently is make up elaborate cover stories to explain their absence, whereas a woman will usually cheat only when she knows she is not likely to be caught. This type of lying on the man’s part often makes a woman feel like she knows nothing about the man or his life outside of their home.

And, despite what we believe, you might need to  do some soul searching, and ask yourself, “Why do I attract cheating men?” Perhaps you’re attracting cheating men, and don’t consciously know it. Some men purposely choose certain types of women who are easy to cheat on.

If he’s telling you his cheating is not that big of a deal, or that you should just forget about it and move on, it may not necessarily be that he doesn’t care about your pain. What his indifferent appearance may mean is that he feels terrible about what he has done, and he cannot forgive himself until he feels like you can forgive him too.

Try to forgive, but if you just can’t get past the betrayal, find someone safe and close to talk to, and do as other ex-wives of cheating men have done: love and respect yourself enough to move on with your life.

Cheating Men Reveal # 1 Reason for Cheating

Neuman and Oprah discuss cheating men and sexual infidelity live.

Cheating men are assumed to have sexual affairs for strictly sexual purposes. People always assume the desire for more sex, better sex, exciting sex or just having sexual variety is all most cheating men care about. The argument that men are easily visually stimulated, and can never have enough “sex” or “women” is also a frequent justification for why men stray.  “Men are just highly sexual creatures, they can never get enough, and they always want variety,” some argue. “It’s just in their nature.”

92 % Cheating Men: “Sex Not Important!”

Despite the popularity of the explanation, this assumption couldn’t be further from the truth according to M. Gary Neuman. Neuman, author of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It found, through independent research, that only 8 percent of philandering husbands acted from being sexually unhappy. “This means, for 92 percent of the men cheating in the United States, it’s not about sex,” explains Neuman.

Instead, Neuman’s research, which appeared on a series of episodes on Oprah,  asserts that a whopping 48 percent of men who reported having affairs were emotionally dissatisfied. Another 32 percent cited an equal amount of sexual and emotional dissatisfaction. Overall, 59 percent of cheating men felt emotionally unhappy compared to only 29 percent who were only sexually dissatisfied. Only 12 percent of men weren’t experiencing any unhappiness, or cited reasons other than sexual or emotional dissonance.

Further substantiating their claims of emotional distress, 37 percent of cheating men reported that feeling underappreciated by their wives was a major cause of their unhappiness. Another 17 percent felt “emotionally disconnected” from their woman. These two sentiments combined account for 54 percent of the problem these men felt in regards to the emotional relationship they had with their spouse, outweighing lack of communication (11 percent), no longer sharing the same values (10 percent) and having a wife that lost her temper too often (12 percent).

Neuman remarks that issues such as emotional connection and appreciation are seen as complaints only women would have, which perpetuates “the big lie” that women are “the emotional ones, whereas men are like rocks… only needing sex to be happy.”

Cheating Men: Keep Him from Becoming One

While it’s true that men are strong, they also have egos that need to be stroked; everyone does. Most men will tell you that they don’t require you to share every mushy detail and thought you have, but they would highly appreciate it if you showed them your gratitude or nurtured them through your actions on a consistent basis. Doing things like offering your husband his favorite meal every once in a while, giving him a full body massage or a foot rub, surprising him with an afternoon devoted to his desires or simply verbalizing your appreciation for a task well done are all ways that send a message that you not only notice what he does, you acknowledge and appreciate him for it.

Taking this information, try to consider times where your partner has stepped up to the plate and handled his business, and you may not have been appreciative of his efforts. Maybe he washed the kids and put them to bed, only to be met with “Honey I’ve got a headache.” Perhaps he attempted to cook breakfast, and you laughed at his awkwardness around the kitchen. These things may not be serious to you, but you never know the affect it may have had on your partner. Make an attempt to show more gratitude in how he assists you in different things. This not only boosts the sense of connectedness between the two of you, it builds intimacy and reassures your husband that he’s good enough. Remember, for most of us – cheating men included- it’s the little things that matter. Here are three  proven strategies to prevent cheating in a relationship.