Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Wouldn’t _____ So You Cheated – Was it Worth It?

So far, we’ve discussed people who cheat in their relationships in order to meet unmet needs, including emotional needs, which experts agree is the most common cause of infidelity. Overall, we’ve learned that the best way to counteract these issues is to build a strong emotional connection with your partner and solidify it with regular maintenance.

Now, what happens when you’ve met that unmet emotional need with someone other than your boyfriend? What do you do next? Do you continue that emotional affair outside your primary relationship? Or do you take what you’ve learned and try to recover it within your main relationship, cutting the other man on the side off?

Figuring out the best course of action following infidelity can be very difficult, especially if you’re not really sure whether or not either party will keep you satisfied enough to fully commit to them. Truth be told, nobody’s perfect – like, that’s exactly where the 80/20 Rule stems from.

Every relationship is as unique as a fingerprint; yet, there’s a simple method to discerning whether or not it’s worth holding on to a relationship once your unfulfilled need is met. Simply put, you must look within and review whether cheating has truly assisted you in taking care of those unmet relationship needs that led you to stray in the first place.

Well, Should I Continue Cheating on My Boyfriend/Girlfriend… ?

We know the last thing you’d like to do is ponder deeply about the wrongs you’ve done, but get real with yourself. You initially felt that whatever it was you wanted – whether more emotional intimacy, a certain sex act or something completely random yet important to you- was so vital that it warranted stepping out of your relationship to get it; if you were that willing to obtain it, you need to be just as willing to analyze its bearing amongst your romantic requirements.

Ask yourself the following:

Now that you’ve cheated and pursued your unmet need, whether sexual or not, how do you feel? Did the other person truly handle those needs you cheated to get?

Was this desire something that you were able to “get out of your system” once it was completed, or will this be an ongoing need that you’ll want indefinitely?

Should you realize that your desires, in the long run aren’t as big a deal anymore, congratulations. You’ve gotten the urge out of your system, and have matured enough to realize your relationship is more important to you. Consider your infidelity a learning experience and continue with your regular relationship.

Should you determine that your need was adequately met and that you are truly happier with it in your life, you’ll have to determine how this will affect your relationship. If the need is something your partner cannot or will not provide, chances are you’ll either continue having an affair, or will need to end the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.

This holds true if whatever you need will have to occur on an unending basis. One young lady cheated because she loved oral sex, but her fiancé refused to provide it. He was a perfect boyfriend, and very considerate in all other areas but this. He considered it an emasculating act, as he was from a culture which frowned upon cunnilingus. She expressed the act improved sexual satisfaction, yet he would not be moved. At the end of the day, she loved him, but not enough to compromise her sexual satisfaction.

If you cheated on your girlfriend or boyfriend and feel utterly horrible for what you’ve done, yet enjoyed yourself, then don’t despair. You’re not necessarily a jerk, chances are you’re simply a good person who made a bad decision. However, things happen for a reason. Learn more about why you cheated on your lover and how to save your relationship after an affair.

When Your Husband’s Mistress is a Man

Sexual affairs can be extremely painful to deal with if you’re the one who’s been cheated on. It’s even worse when you discover that your husband is cheating on you with other men. Here are some tips to get yourself in order as you deal with homosexual infidelity.

1. Don’t compare yourself to this other man. The prospect of a man cheating on you with another man can be scary because, let’s face it, you feel as if you have nothing to compete with when it comes to his attraction. No woman wants to be compared to another woman at all, but at least she’s going to have all the same equipment you do. A man is a completely different story – and truth be told, it’s not worth harping over.

2. Get tested IMMEDIATELY. Not to sound homophobic or hateful, but it’s been reported that an overwhelming number of women involved with men who live on the down low have an increased risk of HIV/AIDS. It’s said that because these men feel AIDS/HIV is a “gay man’s disease” and that they’re not gay (yeah, okay!) that they’re not susceptible to the disease. Don’t take any chances with your health and run to the nearest doctor.

3. Avoid sexual activity with him. Even if he were having sex with another woman, I would still recommend this. Sexual intimacy is a gift and display of trust in a loving monogamous relationship- something you thought you had with this man. This is not about punishing him for his actions – even though that would partially suffice – it’s about making sure you decrease your exposure to whatever he’s possibly contracted during behavior.

4. Clear your head and figure out what YOU want to do. Depending on the length and seriousness of the relationship, you might find it hard to immediately come to a decision to leave him. There may be children, money, and other factors involved in your decision, and you need to ensure you’re level-headed and clear in your final decision to stay or leave.

5. Accept no excuses. Your husband may come out swinging when you confront him and try to justify his behavior. (This also goes for the ladies whose men have cheated with other women as well.) There is no excuse for cheating – a cheater cheats because he cannot be honest with his feelings and desires and, deep down, knows his behavior isn’t appropriate. Don’t second guess yourself in light of his nasty excuses.

6. Know that this too will pass. Life hands us some painful and random curveballs, some so bad we don’t know how or why we can continue living. As a friend once said, “Disguised blessings in life that offer opportunities for spiritual growth and alignment to love are often missed because they are presented as traumatic events.” Work through the pain one day at a time and you’ll eventually get past this hurdle as well.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can transform any negative situation.

The Magic Action to Help Restore Your Scarred Relationship

Throughout relationships, it is not uncommon for people to hold on to and silently grieve past hurts dealt by their loved one without extending forgiveness. Over time, resentment builds up, and, if it’s not addressed and worked through, this can lead to making either party susceptible to sexual or emotional infidelity.

Now, you may think this is a childish assumption, that many people would not make it a habit to let “the little things” get in the way of the relationship. However, the truth is that “the little things” build up hurt and resentment over time. As they get pushed back into our minds, these pains snowball into a big, nasty and even hateful situation.

Before things get too ugly and out of hand, there’s a free gift available to help you thwart the ugliness of built-up resentment known as forgiveness. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the past and work through old hurts in the marriage.

Forgiveness can be difficult, but gets easier with time.

A learned skill, your ability to practice forgiveness is influenced your history of forgiveness. Think back on your previous history with forgiveness. Have you ever been deeply pained by someone who’s refused to forgive you for something you’ve done? What about someone who you may have hurt intentionally, but later deeply regret betraying? Have you ever been asked for forgiveness by people who have hurt you? Have you ever felt the heaviness of holding grudges literally seem to lift from your shoulders before?

Ask yourself if you forgive easily. People who forgive easily allow themselves the opportunity to advance past their current frame of mind and move forward without the resentment they’ve held against others.

When it comes to asking for and giving forgiveness, it will be important that you and the other party come together in agreement to work things out. The offending party is usually the party that people think should start the conversation, but the offended can start out as well, initiating the conversation with a thorough explanation of how and why they were hurt by the others’ behavior.

Should one extend an apology and request forgiveness, then the offended party should honestly answer as to whether or not they can and will forgive them. Even if the answer at the current moment is no, they let the person know that there’s a possibility that forgiveness will come in time. They can inform the other party of the changes they’ll need to see over time in order to forgive and move from there.

Now, forgiveness does not mean letting someone “get away” with what they’ve done, nor does it mean this behavior will never happen again. To the contrary, forgiveness just means that you’ve accepted that the perceived wrongs have occurred against you.

Forgiveness also means that the offending party understands how they’ve hurt you and will not repeat the behavior again with the intentions of hurting you. As expert Dave Carder writes, “Change takes time. Most of us can tolerate hurtful behavior when we see that our [loved one] is working hard at changing the pattern. To the degree you can forgive, you can build respect, and to the degree you can respect, you can build trust.”

Your cheating husband might have been influenced by past events which spurned infidelity.

3 PERSONAL INFLUENCES THAT INCREASE POTENTIAL FOR INFIDELITY

Even with the intense familial factors which can directly influence a person’s potential to be unfaithful, there is still room for personal history and influences to make an impact.

Sexual Molestation and Abuse

Promiscuous behavior following sexual molestation and abuse usually are an attempt to work through the painful experience and shame of the events which occurred. For an abused individual, shame and sensations of pleasure regarding abusive sexual experiences create ambivalence. As a result, they may think sex is bad, and can leave them feeling emotionally unsatisfied during the act. Others can seek out a “bad” person to have sex with (in most cases, someone other than the “good spouse”) and involve themselves in affairs.

Adolescent Promiscuity

Promiscuous sexual behavior in adolescent years is heightened by the feelings of excitement and spontaneity, making those experiences idealized and wonderful. The simple and pleasant sensation seeking experiences in these years are what we most want to experience and long for once we’re older and life is more complicated than we’d like it to be.

Learning Disabilities

High-risk individuals with histories of developmental disability or other shortcomings, like ADHD, for example, have also shown heightened risk of infidelity. Nobody never seems to feel they are good enough and someone always seems to be yealling at them. Life’s difficulties seem to make them especially vulnerable, and therefore cause them to seek out nurturing experiences, even when they pretend they don’t care. They are especially vulnerable to affairs when there’s trouble at home and there are members of the opposite sex who seem to pay special attention to, listen to and support them

How to Gain Trust After Infidelity or Any Other Crisis Affects Your Relationship

Trust is an important part of your relationship. In the earliest stage of your relationship, you’re constantly on guard, looking for information to help you determine how trustworthy your partner is and whether or not you can take them seriously. As trust builds, so do feelings of security. But the second a major crisis hits your relationship, trust shatters completely.

Once shattered, it can take a long time for the trust be rebuilt; there are even times when you may never regain a person’s trust, especially if you’ve cheated. Therefore, if your partner is open to reconciling with you and letting you back into their life, consider yourself blessed, because this means they truly care. Unfortunately, you’ll also have to get ready to put in a lot of work in order to persuade them to trust you again.

Learning to trust or gain trust is a fragile, consistent process in which you’ll gradually realize the results, no matter how you’ve lost it in the first place. Although many people have different ways of trying to earn it, these four basic steps, in general, help restore or develop trust:

1. Avoid Surprises: When someone isn’t trusting, they’re hypervigilant and constantly on guard for crazy, unpleasant surprises from you. Avoid surprising them when they least expect it, and if you must surprise them, give them a pleasant surprise, like a night out or a small, thoughtful gift.

2. Be Upfront: Keep your significant other aware of everything that’s going on with you. Even if your plans change at the last minute, make sure they’re the first to know, not the last.

3. Demonstrate Your Trustworthiness: Do exactly what you said you were going to do. Go exactly where you said you were going to go. Be attentive and considerate, especially in regards to keeping appointments or schedules in your daily lifestyle.

4. Remember the Power of Honesty: In order for someone to trust you after you’ve screwed up, your life needs to become an open book, no matter how much you crave your privacy. Don’t tell any lies, don’t lie and don’t behave defensively with your partner. Even if they want answers to the silliest questions, remain respectful and remember that you have to earn your way back into their lives.

Husband Cheated After 11 Years – How Do I Forgive Him?

Hi, Can you please advise me how to forgive unconditionally? I found out my hubby of 11years had an affair. He had since broke off with the girl and is now trying very hard to make our marriage work again. I am also trying very hard to make him love me again. Sadly, I get depressed when he is not around. I think of the stuffs that he has done to me i cannot help not crying. I feel like shouting it to someone but…… There are not many who I confide in about his infedelity. I feel so depressed. I didn’t talk to my hubby about this as I feel it will upset him and whatever we have been doing in the day will all go down the drain. Am I doing it the right way? I hope you can help me.

Thanks, Wanting to Forgive

Hello Wanting to Forgive:

First and foremost, we commend you for making an attempt to reconcile with your husband and understanding the importance of forgiveness to make things work in your relationship. Whether most people agree or not, forgiveness is the ONE component all broken relationships need in order to successfully get on the road to recovery. Forgiveness is not allowing someone to get away with what they’ve done; nor is it an excuse, permission slip or an opportunity to forget what happened.

To be clear, forgiveness is letting go of anger and other negative emotions related to perceived or real acts of wrong performed against you or another person. Forgiveness acknowledges that certain events occurred, but remembers that people are only human, and we too must be forgiven for things we have done. Forgiving someone isn’t easy and does take time. Recommended methods of forgiving someone include:

- Forgiving yourself for whatever role you played in the relationship

- Making an attempt to understand why and how that person acted the way they did

- Acknowledging and expressing your inner pain in a mature fashion without further aggravating the situation

- Deciding whether or not to remain in the relationship

Now, Wanting to Forgive, you’ve expressed that you continue to think of things he’s done during his sexual affair and wonder about what he’s doing when you’re not with him. This is completely normal, especially after what you’ve gone through. You don’t really speak to anyone, and also say that you’re afraid to confront him because you don’t want all of the hard work you’re doing go down the drain. You must know that you have every right to speak to him about what he’s done and how you’re feeling. Cheaters hate to talk about what they’ve done, but at the same time, they must be fully responsible for their actions and how they’ve affected the relationship. Not only will sharing your feelings with him force him to fully acknowledge the pain he’s caused, but it will reinforce the fact that it will require the both of you to work on fixing your relationship.

A final word about friends and your husband’s infidelity: We won’t say that you can’t confide in them, because sometimes a friend with an open ear is all you need to feel better. Just make sure your friend doesn’t become your therapist; if things get too rough, consider looking for a professional either for yourself or for marriage counseling.

Defining Infidelity – Is it Only for Married Couples?

There are so many discussons on what it means to cheat, as well as what, specifically, cheating is.

As explained by Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D., infidelity is the “breaking of trust.” In his book, Infidelity: A Survival Guide, Lusterman states, “Infidelity occurs when one partner in a relationship continues to believe that the agreement to be faithful I still in force, while the other is secretly violating it.”

Now, many people reason that the only relationship worthy of fidelity and faithfulness is marriage. After all, when you marry someone you’re making a public commitment to them; marriage isn’t only a public commitment, it’s a legally binding one that can only be dissolved through death or divorce. Other relationships can be long-term and monogamous, but there are no legal obligations for participating parties to remain steadily involved.

This type of rationalization makes a lot of sense for most people; why treat your relationship like a written contract when there’s nothing but a verbal agreement?

At the end of the day, however, this argument is still not enough to excuse infidelity within a committed relationship. Not every relationship will be legally entitled to marriage, but as long as both parties made an exclusive agreement to remain faithful to one another, then there’s an expectation for this agreement to be honored.

Therefore, if you’re going to talk the talk – and commit yourself to somebody exclusively – then you need to walk the walk and do what’s necessary to adhere to that commitment. A commitment to monogamy is a serious one that deserves respect, regardless of it’s legally respected or not. Using the fact that you’re not married to downplay infidelity is not only crass, but shows you’re not an honorable individual, especially where it matters most.

Myths about Cheating

There are many myths floating around the rumor mill about the facts surrounding a creeping partner. Some people say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But is this clichéd sentiment really true? Let’s reveal some truth and kill a few myths about cheating.

Myth: People cheat because there’s something wrong in the relationship.

Truth: Despite sexist generalizations, people cheat for different reasons.

One prevalent myth is that people only cheat when they are unhappy at home. This is not entirely false, but is not always true either. Women are typically said to cheat because of dissatisfaction, while men are more often said to cheat out of curiosity, or boredom.

While there are plenty of men and women who fit into these thoughts and roles, the truth is most people cheat for varying reasons. A man can cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction and a woman can cheat for sexual variety.

Myth: Men cheat more than women do.

Truth: Women are just as likely to cheat as men are.  

Another popular falsehood about cheating is that men cheat more often than women do. Truthfully speaking, women have become more independent and it has changed the way they view getting a little sugar on the side. Some women even think they deserve to have more freedom because of the high stress levels that come with combining work and family life. Others just feel, post-Sexual Revolution, that it’s their prerogative to be sexually forward with their desires and to chase them at any costs, just as men do.

Myth: Affairs are all about the sex.

Truth: Most reasons for cheating contain an element of emotional dissatisfaction- for both sexes.

Have you ever heard that affairs were purely and physical thing, and all about sex? This isn’t true either. Often times, affairs are means of emotional compensation. Some relationships, without sex are often so emotionally intimate that they are equally as inappropriate as physical trysts.

Now that we’ve gone through one of the myths, remember that there are ways you can work to reduce the likelihood of infidelity in your relationship. Maintaining a completely honest relationship will help reduce miscommunications and hurt feelings. Take time, on a regular basis, to show your partner that you appreciate them.

On a final note, if you have been feeling vulnerable or upset, or have been considering an affair, do not drink when you are in possibly tempting situations. This will help keep you from doing anything regrettable.

Should Elin Have Expected – and Accepted Tiger’s Cheating?

The recent storm of Tiger Woods’ alleged sexual affairs with as many as 11 mistresses has taken the media hostage. It seems nobody expected the PGA’s golden boy to tarnish his squeaky clean image with the possibility of one sexual infidelity, much less the multiple sexual infidelities made public within a span of days.

This all started on November 27, 2009 in the wee hours of the morning. Initial reports stated that Tiger was in a car accident with his prized Cadillac Escalade, damaging property and running into a fire hydrant. Supposedly, Elin “ran out of the house with a golf club after hearing the crash” and found Tiger unconscious with lacerations. Supposedly, innocent Mrs. Woods had no idea that her husband was entering or exiting the house, and was shocked to see him in such a peculiar situation. (Riiiiiight, tell us anything – we’ll eat it up like mother’s Sunday potroast. Not!)

Now, we (obviously) all felt the story was preposterous from the beginning, and felt a sense of vindication when Woods finally admitted to “transgressions” against his family. (Insert scoff here!) As the first mistress, Rachel Uchitel, was outed to the media, she was followed by former Tool Academy reality actress Jaimee Grubbs and 9 others whose careers range from party girls and event planners to porn stars and everyday girls next door.  

While these alleged mistresses are running their mouths and holding on to their 15 minutes of fame, Elin Nordegren – Woods has remained unusually silent about her side of the story. All we currently know is that she’s in talks to have her pre-nuptial agreement revamped to increase her payout from $20 million to over $55 million plus perks for staying with Woods.

Since we cannot get close to Mrs. Woods at the moment, we can only speculate on whether or not Elin knew this was coming. Should Elin have expected Tiger to swing his Cablinasian, Cablasian – whatever he calls himself – club on other open ranges of green? Or was she entitled to believing that he’d have kept his good-old fist pump at home?

Mixed Responses on Athletes and Infidelity

The answer is both yes and no; it varies according to whom you ask. Most people, like Chris Rock, believe that a man is only “as faithful as his options.” Tiger, being a world-renowned golfer with multi-million dollar endorsements and breaking records in history as the first Black man to takeover golf, would be a prime example of a man with an expansive list of options. After all, he’s not the first or the last powerful man, athlete, celebrity or politician to cheat on his wife: many celebrities and powerful figures have had sexual affairs.

Sports writer Jason Whitlock argues that Tiger was ensconced in a “cesspool…[and has] never portrayed himself as a religious holy roller…[eliminating any] reason for surprise about any of this.” Futhermore, Whitlock and other men rationalize that professional athletes and figures feel a sense of entitlement about having affairs; it’s a fiduciary responsibility for the celebrity to attract girls for their friends, even if they’re married, and they assert there’s usually an unspoken agreement that sexual affairs are accepted, so long as the spouse isn’t publicly humiliated by their extramarital activity. In fact, we’ve even read articles stating that Tiger Woods’ Vedic astrological chart inclines him to having sexual affairs, because he has a “porn star planetary combination” in his zodiac charts.

Those who disagree, state that Tiger, like any other man, has morals and ethics to live up to, and his celebrity status don’t supercede his moral responsibility to keep that golf club from swinging in the wrong country club.

“A man with morals, no matter who he is or how many women throw themselves at him, will not concede to have some whore in his hotel room or in his bed,” a dear friend told us.

“Why get married and make a vow of monogamy if you’re not planning to keep it? Nobody put a gun to his head and forced [Tiger] to marry [Elin]!” another lady angrily protested on a webforum.

Some of us have completely mixed feelings. As summed up perfectly by one of our editorial assistants, Elin should have expected it, but at the same time she shouldn’t have to expect it.

“Marriage usually doesn’t make provisions for athletes and powerful men to be excused for humiliating their wives. However, the truth of the matter is that society accepts it, and these women are expected to turn the other cheek and find solace in their husbands’ status and financial stability. Money doesn’t keep you warm at night, but who cares because the prevailing thought is that you’ll at least be able to afford 1500-count Italian sheets to sleep in while your husband’s cheating.”

Emotional Acceptance: The Most Important Aspect of Healing from His Affair

Throughout the discovery of your lover’s affair, you may fight to resist the truth. You may refuse to believe they cheated on you, deceived you and lied to you. “How could this happen?! No, it didn’t happen… not to me, I’m too good for this!” you may think.

Emotional acceptance is an important part of recovering from an affair, or any other traumatizing situation in life. When you have emotional acceptance, you give yourself the ability to stop fighting and resisting what’s happened on an emotional level. You become less emotionally reactive and accept what’s happened without the overt, painful dramatics. Emotional acceptance aligns you with reality, allowing you to see your husband’s cheating for what it is and helping you decide what to do next.

Emotional Acceptance Is Not Passivity or Tolerance of Infidelity

A striking example of example of emotional acceptance is dealing with the death of a loved one. When someone you love dies- a dear friend or beloved pet- it’s hard to accept what happened initially. You don’t want to hear that everything will be okay and you don’t want to believe this person is dead and never coming back. You’re consumed with grief and have little-to-no control over your emotional reaction when the news first hits. The pain lives within you for a long time, but decreases its affects on your daily living over time. Eventually, while you still love and miss the person, you’re now able to fully accept and embrace their passing. At this point, you’ve stopped resisting what’s happened and emotionally accepted it.

When it comes to emotionally accepting an affair, the process will be very similar. You will have to ride it out and accept that your husband did cheat on you. You will have to accept that things in your marriage were not going as expected. You will have to accept that your cheating husband did lie to you about his sexual or emotional affair, and that he did so willingly for a period of time, in an effort to conceal his extramarital trysts.

Clearly speaking, emotional acceptance does not mean what he’s done is okay. Emotional acceptance simply allows you to find peace within the storm. Emotional acceptance is not tolerance; his cheating on you doesn’t have to be right as long as you accept it happened. When you emotionally accept a situation, you’re not rewarding poor behavior and it doesn’t stop you from making his life difficult. You don’t minimize what was done when you accept his cheating; in fact, you must see it for what it is in its full glory. And emotionally accepting your husband’s cheating does not denote passivity and mean you do nothing, but allows you to move forward with confidence in yourself to make the most of this situation.

This information was adapted from Paul Coleman’s You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life. If this information helped you, consider purchasing Coleman’s book for more insightful information.