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Husband Craves Sexual Variety and Sex with Other Women

So, your marriage has been a little lackluster in the bedroom. You blame it on falling into a rut and in an attempt to spice things up, you discover the real truth: it’s not you per se… but your husband wants to sleep with other women and you’re asking “What happened? Is this normal?”

“Don’t all men want to sleep with other women?” is most likely the response some people would have. According to general argument, married men can find it hard to be faithful, and they blame this on genetics, social training and other theories. Truthfully speaking, when asked, most men do respond that some of their most erotic and self-indulgent sexual fantasies involve other women. Yet, even in the face of this truth, most men aren’t willing to risk acting out the fantasy for many reasons.

Now if your devoted husband requests your explicit permission to explore these other women as options, and you are truly okay with this, then setting boundaries will be a required step in this process.

Before we go further, we must impress upon you that it is a must that you feel completely fine with the idea that your man’s penis will be thrashing in another woman’s valley of love. Can you handle the idea that your husband and another woman are going to be passionately kissing, touching, rubbing and enjoying various forms of intercourse? If you are in fact okay with the idea of an open relationship, you need to ask yourself some questions before you agree, and make sure you ask the same questions of your partner, so there are no blurry lines about what is okay and what isn’t.

Sit down with your husband and discuss where the acceptable boundaries for your extramarital relationships will lie. If you don’t like the idea of him giving a woman oral sex, then be very vocal and specific about this, and explain your position. Let him know which acts are completely off limits with another woman, and be very clear about what the consequences are for disrespect of these boundaries. Always enforce upon your husband the need to wear sexual protection. He must provide and monitor his own condom use, and make sure that they are disposed of and maintained carefully, so as not to bring a child or sexually transmitted diseases into the equation.

To ensure that the situation will be fair, and not just a way for him to feel better about cheating while you wait at home, find out if he already has chosen a girl. If so, ask where he knows her from and how long he has been considering having a sexual relationship with her. find out a little bit more about her, and see if he’s been with her before. In other words, find out if he’s been cheating and this is his way of coming clean. If he doesn’t have anyone in mind, you can probably breathe a little easier, knowing that he is probably just curious.

Make sure that you set ground rules with your husband. They can be about any of the details that you think are important, but some good areas to cover are how many partners, and whether or not you will meet the new woman, and he your new man.  Also ask if he will be telling other people outside of the relationship about its new status, and how comfortable you are with the idea of other people knowing.

Monique and her husband share a relatively open marriage.

Remember to make the negotiation fair. While you may not want to have sex with another man as of yet, you don’t need to give your husband an unfair advantage with this situation. Since he’s assuming you’re cool with it, he may not realize that you *may* feel entitled to getting yours on the side as well. Even if this isn’t the case, ask him what his terms are when it comes to you sleeping with another man. Sometimes, all you have to do is suggest that you’ll be open for an extramarital tryst, and he’ll come down to reality. If he decides on even terms, just remember that you now have that permission as well.

One of the most important facets of making this work is to trust each other, and for you to find out why he wants to try someone else.  A desire for sexual variety in sex style – such as a new position or a new type of sex (anal, threesome, etc.) – or in partner might be behind his actions. Or maybe he wants to do things you are adamant that you won’t do (swallowing). It’s possible that he could tell you what he’s craving, you could adopt that practice, and keep him from thinking of roaming away again. Otherwise, if you’re comfortable, then by all means allow your husband to satisfy his sexual desires with other women.

Tagged as: Ask Elle, making love work, open marriage, open relationships