Why Some Men Cheat & It’s Not Your Fault
Understanding why men cheat shouldn't keep you awake at night
Why do men cheat? Is it all about sex? Is it the woman, wife or girlfriend? Doesn’t she know how to satisfy him? Are they lacking an emotional connection?
The answer is, not really, but it does depend. Most sexual infidelity, despite the fact that they’re loaded with romanticism, eroticism and intense, passionate emotions, isn’t about sex. Oftentimes, troubled relationships have unresolved, underlying conflicts within them which ultimately manifest sexual affairs and other betrayals. Specific conflicts vary from couple to couple, but include several types of disagreements such as lack of respect mutual respect between husband and wife, less attention paid to each other’s needs, a cheating husband that feels emasculated by his wife, a cheated-on wife who has let herself go physically, or gaping emotional distance.
However, there’s also an aspect of sexual or emotional infidelity that isn’t much discussed: the internally-driven reasons individuals have for seeking romance or other extramarital connections outside their primary relationship. More or less, it’s quite possible that the reason your husband cheats or has cheated has quite little to do with you, and everything to do with his personal attitude and state of mind.
In her book, Sexual Detours: The Startling Truth Behind Love, Lust, and Infidelity
To escape life and related anxieties. Emotions aroused from infidelity can function as an effective detour against internal conflicts from unresolved life situations and profound events. For example, a man that highly values being the primary breadwinner may have an affair after he loses his job due to the traumatic feelings of no longer being the breadwinner. He feels emasculated, and thus resorts to a sexual partner who makes him feel alive and helps him avoid the emotional conflict he experiences.
To avoid intimacy. Sexual behavior can be used as an excuse or substitute for intimacy by those who fear control, engulfment, abandonment and loss. For some, it can adequately fill the gap of emotional distance in an unfulfilled relationship.
To boost self-esteem and feelings of power. Infidelity allows a wayward partner to sexually assert themselves in an effort to reconstruct deeply assaulted self esteem with a “new partner” that finds them sexually desirable. As it pertains to power, hostility toward the opposite sex can be used to control and manipulate others by rendering the other sex powerless, making them more powerful by default.
To sustain a relationship. Infidelity is seen as a way to maintain status quo and avoid dealing with conflicts that would require change in the relational environment. When one or both partners’ needs are compartmentalized from the relationship, their sexual or emotional affairs allow them to seek fulfillment elsewhere.
Not a Complete List Why Men Cheat
This list is not comprehensive, of course; there are myriad reasons we can discuss in terms of what drives and motivates sexual affairs and infidelities. However, for now, let’s just remember that most of the time, other people’s issues are a reflection of them, not us. It’s not our job to beat ourselves up about how someone handles their discontent, either with us or with life, when things seem out of control. It’s really our job to love and support our loved ones, while recognizing their issues, and giving them an opportunity for self-growth and change – even if that change comes at the expense of our relationship with them.
Our mini-series on the Psychology of Infidelity goes into cheating and affairs into more detail. Click here to discover more reasons why men cheat.
