Infrequent Sex Life + Husband’s Email Affair = Angry Wife

Husband Cheating On Internet: Advice to Confront Online Infidelity

I recently learned that my husband has been exchanging sexual emails with a woman he went to high school with and recently reconnected with on Facebook. I learned of the emails because the woman involved shared some of the emails with a friend of hers who happens to be friends with the sister of an old friend of mine. The information eventually got back to me. I have been with my husband, who is 10 years older than me, for 15 years (married 5.5 years), since I was 18 years old. I thought we were best friends–we spend most of our time together and get along well. Moreover, while we don’t have sex as often as I think we should, it is amazing when it does occur. I’m shocked, incredibly hurt, and humiliated by this information. He admits only to exchanging “flirty” emails with the woman after she started it and says he had no intention of cheating. I have no idea what to believe, do, or feel. Please help. Thanks. – CyberCheater’s Wife

CyberCheater’s Wife:

First and foremost, I’m sorry that you discovered your husband cheating on the internet in such a horrifying manner. Through a grapevine consisting of a friend of a friend of a friend who’s sister is an old friend of yours? That’s practically a sucker punch to your heart, especially when you had no reason to believe your husband would betray you like this.

Unfortunately you’re not alone. Many people discover that their spouses are having internet and cyber-affairs every day. Digital communication has become a gift and a curse for many relationships. Sites like Twitter, Facebook and MySpace have made it easier than ever to keep in touch with loved ones; yet, it’s these same applications that have made having- and hiding- affairs simpler than ever. With the click of a button, a cheating spouse can arrange discreet one night stands on craigslist, contact ex-lovers and engage in cybersex while pretending to innocently surf the web or check their email- and let’s not mention the ridiculous hacks, tips and tricks one can use to quietly hide their activity so that you’d never know what they were up to.

Dr. Sheri Meyers discusses Internet Infidelity

Husband’s Internet Affair & Your Sex Life – Does It Relate?

Inform your husband that his online cheating has not only destroyed your trust in him, but rocked your faith in the strength of your marriage. Advise him that you will need time to think about where this relationship is going, and expect him to immediately stop talking to the other woman.

Your marriage’s infrequent sex life could be a direct result of your husband using his sexual energy toward his internet affair, but be advised this would not be the only possible reason. Often times, an erratic sex life and infidelity don’t create troubled marriages; they’re usually distress signals indicating trouble within a marriage.

Analyzing Online Infidelity – Was It Headed Too Far?

Before you decide whether to stay or go, you must analyze the entire situation objectively. Read the emails between your husband and the other woman, if they’re available. Double check your husband’s credibility. Did he lie when he said that he was only “flirty” towards her, or was this his way of downplaying how sexually explicit he was? Does she appear to be the aggressor in this relationship, or does he play an equal role in pursuing her sexual attention? Is there a considerable component of emotional intimacy shared between these two?

Determine what would have happened if you never discovered his internet mistress. Is there anything in his emails that suggest your husband might have intended to eventually meet this woman in person for a sexual affair? If so, you’ve dodged a major bullet in your marriage.

Do Some Soul Searching

Reflecting on everything that’s happened before delivering any final decisions on the future of your marriage is of the utmost importance. You’ll need to weigh all the pros and cons of each possible choice you make, whether you decide to save your marriage or opt for a fast easy divorce. You must also extend forgiveness toward your husband; it allows you to jump-start the healing process, even if you decide to leave him.

If I Stay With Him, How Will I Know If He Cheats Online Again?

You don’t, unfortunately. Your husband may never cheat again, or he may attempt to become more discreet. If it will put you at ease, invest in PC monitoring software. Quiet, efficient and reputable keylogging programs monitor all computer activity, even if the user surfs the internet in “privacy” modes. We strongly recommend that you try Keylog Computer Spying Software, as it allows you to download and test it out absolutely free.

Filed Under: Ask Elle

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http://Www.hecheatedonme.net Marie Sprague

I believe my husband may be having an affair – I want to find out the truth and is want to protect myself
Frank Ness

Come on, cut the guy some slack. Stop acting like your world is crashing down just because your man was exchanging a few flirty emails with an old friend. But you should ask yourself why he might be inclined to flirt with someone else. Perhaps, the home life has grown boring? Are you flirting with your man? How often have you rebuffed him in the recent past? It's human nature that one will take the path of least resistance to fulfill their basic needs and that is apparently what your man has done. You need to be the path of least resistance.

a guest

Thats right, blame the woman. You may be right in some scenarios, but the vast majority of these cases involve a man who is simply not being respectful or considerate, taking the low road for his own self indulgence, in otherwords, extremely immature. From experience, I know what these so-called "flirty" emails lead to even when the guy is getting plenty of good sex at home). Many women go way out of their way to please their man, not only sexually, but romantically, emotionally, as a helpmate and supporter, and still can't get through. Most women just want to be loved the way they love – though men and women are different emotionally, at least show respect for the fact that a relationship/marriage is supposed to go both ways. (part 1)
a guest

part 2 – as I was saying in part 1. Guys already get cut way too much slack. If a man would be flirty with his wife/girlfriend and try to cater a little to her needs, it could make a huge difference in her response. If he grabs at her and just wants sex on demand, what does he expect – a slave? Some men just don't get that if he would treat her the way he did when they met (or as close to it as possible) at least once in a while, and show some appreciation, flirt like you do with "strange," the wife would respond. Its sad that men and women stop communicating and that is the key to getting through all the BS. Its hard for a woman to communicate with a man who will not express himself and won't admit to anything, and chooses to hide in his little secret world on the internet or whereever, but he doesn't want her to question what he does. If she does, shes the bad guy. The "path of least resistance" that Ness refers to is the coward's way out; getting your cake and eating it too as the old saying goes. Getting the problem out in the open is best. Man up.

Nandini

Hello Dear, I guess many people have same cases. I discovered 1 year back almost that my husband was cheating on me haveing lot of internet affairs and being very initmate with them(even exchangeing gifts and long distance calls). I thought this was due to my neglegnce and i started taking care of him more and more. We planned for a second child and I now in mid of my pregnancy, I have discovered again he is inviting his net friend again to chat with him and she is accepting too. They plan to meet every weekend…I am now in a scoope…no place to go… its better to stop and decide at once rather than suffer like me…

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Toby Lapin

I had been having problems with my marriage and my husband had been out of work for two years when I caught him. He blogged on a sight called "first read". He, during one of many fights, said he was leaving to go spend time with a friend". Upon doing the unspeakable, going on his computer when he left the house for a while, I uncovered his love connection with a lady who also blogs on the site. They had been plotting and planning apparently for a while, to meet in her area, Chicago for a romantic and clandestine meeting. Imagine my shock, anger and chagrine after my working hard, being nothing but faithful and honest as always for 37 1/2 yrs and to find this. No matter how the marriage is faring this is no excuse for infidelity of any sort in my opinion. What do I do from here? He blamed me and said he justified it because I am a"prick" and he hates me! how do I go from here?

caca

You divorce his ass. Not only is it bad of him to cheat on your and not take responsibility for it, he dares to blame you! That's not a real man trying to make things work. I say dump his ass so he can starve.
Debra

I was helping my husband send a email to his boss when I fould out that he had been emailing his ex. Not only did I caught he but he also had three other email address that they were using. I emailed is ex and tol her that I fould all there emails but would make sure her boyfriend knows about them. I blamed the both of them and told my husband that he needed to end this. I no longer trust him but I took all internet off or phones and home. I am the only one with internet. We have been married for 7 years and have a 5 year old. The healing will take time. He did not want to end our marriage, were I was going to walk away. I have giving him that second chance. The emails were getting on a very intimate and the calls were starting..I am still PISSED OFF..
Going one day a time.

loodje

Dear Debra,__I am in the same sort of situation as you. Only for me it is not the first time my husband did this to me. 3 years ago I caught him, and he begged me to stay with him, I did only to find out just before christmas he was doing the same thing again. He keeps telling lies, have done all the time (I know that now). It took a lot to trust him again, and now he has done it again. He can't say why, because he doesn't know he says. He tells me he loves me more than anything else but can't explain his actions._I am still considering how to go on from here, as we also have young children, and the distance between us doesn't help (my husband works on the other site of the world). _Keep talking to him, talking is so important, thats whats lacking in my relationship, he never wants to talk._Taking it one day at the time seems the best option as one day will be a better day then the next.__I wish you and all other women strength to make the right decision and the very best for the future.

lb

My husband of 11 years has been doing these things at first I caught him on a singles site chatting and calling women. I forgave him this was 6 years ago now he’s at it again found his Facebook page filled with women he chats with them sends them messages and even thinks he is meeting them. I am so hurt crying all the time we have 11 year old that is very emotional over the situation. Im so tired of this.