“My Husband Won’t Give Me The Sexual Details of His Affair”
Many times, we obsess over the sexually explicit details, when they aren't important.
You need to know all the explicit details of your man’s sexual affair. You demand specifics of what, how, where and when he and the other woman engaged in sexual activity, convinced that the reality cannot be as scandalous as your imagination makes it. Unfortunately, he refuses to give you the dirt, frustrating you further and driving a wedge between you two, and playing on your emotions.
Honestly speaking, most of the time, we don’t want the sexually explicit details because they’ll bring closure to the sexual affair. Instead, we want them because the affair plays on our physical and sexual insecurities. We want to know whether his mistress was a sultry vixen who was better looking than us (and hope she isn’t). We want to know whether her breasts were perkier, if her ass is tighter and whether she makes him cum harder (and hope that they aren’t and that she doesn’t).
Therefore, it’s safe to say that the need to know sexual details can be an attempt to answer a different question. Paul Coleman, PsyD and author of You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life
, urges those battling with strong emotions concerning their partner’s sexual infidelity and the specific acts therein to consider the following questions:
“Am I attractive and appealing enough sexually to him (and others)?”
“Am I mostly bothered by the fact that he doesn’t want to tell me details (he’s being secretive again) than I am about the need to know the details?”
“Do I feel out of control when I don’t have answers – any answers – so I must keep harping on an issue even if it’s to my detriment to do so?”
If you discover in your reflections that one of the aforementioned reasons influences your need to press for sexual details, then knowing the specifics will not assist you. Instead, Coleman urges you to discover different methods to investigate those issues.
On the other hand, if you truly believe knowing all the nasty details, then Coleman suggests you “choose your questions carefully, [starting] with something less provocative and work your way up.” He adds that it’s wise to stop the discussion when you realize you’re getting answers you’d rather not have heard. Be assured that you’re ready for this information, because you’ll more than likely feel worse when he confirms they’ve performed oral sex on one another, or tried an intimate act he’s never initiated with you. Confirming this information is not only painful, but will insert graphic images into your brain which only extend the pain you’ll feel. At the same time, you must remember not to punish him for telling you the truth. Yes, it hurts like hell, but you asked for it.
Overall, our hope is that you’ll at least decide to wait a while before pushing for the answers to these questions. Give it several months, and then revisit this situation to see whether or not you still want these questions answered. Most likely, you won’t and will realize you’re better off not knowing.
If you feel this advice was helpful, we suggest that you check out You, Him and the Other Woman: Break the Love Triangle and Reclaim Your Marriage, Your Love, and Your Life
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