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Husband Cheated After 11 Years – How Do I Forgive Him?

Hi, Can you please advise me how to forgive unconditionally? I found out my hubby of 11years had an affair. He had since broke off with the girl and is now trying very hard to make our marriage work again. I am also trying very hard to make him love me again. Sadly, I get depressed when he is not around. I think of the stuffs that he has done to me i cannot help not crying. I feel like shouting it to someone but…… There are not many who I confide in about his infedelity. I feel so depressed. I didn’t talk to my hubby about this as I feel it will upset him and whatever we have been doing in the day will all go down the drain. Am I doing it the right way? I hope you can help me.

Thanks, Wanting to Forgive

Hello Wanting to Forgive:

First and foremost, we commend you for making an attempt to reconcile with your husband and understanding the importance of forgiveness to make things work in your relationship. Whether most people agree or not, forgiveness is the ONE component all broken relationships need in order to successfully get on the road to recovery. Forgiveness is not allowing someone to get away with what they’ve done; nor is it an excuse, permission slip or an opportunity to forget what happened.

To be clear, forgiveness is letting go of anger and other negative emotions related to perceived or real acts of wrong performed against you or another person. Forgiveness acknowledges that certain events occurred, but remembers that people are only human, and we too must be forgiven for things we have done. Forgiving someone isn’t easy and does take time. Recommended methods of forgiving someone include:

- Forgiving yourself for whatever role you played in the relationship

- Making an attempt to understand why and how that person acted the way they did

- Acknowledging and expressing your inner pain in a mature fashion without further aggravating the situation

- Deciding whether or not to remain in the relationship

Now, Wanting to Forgive, you’ve expressed that you continue to think of things he’s done during his sexual affair and wonder about what he’s doing when you’re not with him. This is completely normal, especially after what you’ve gone through. You don’t really speak to anyone, and also say that you’re afraid to confront him because you don’t want all of the hard work you’re doing go down the drain. You must know that you have every right to speak to him about what he’s done and how you’re feeling. Cheaters hate to talk about what they’ve done, but at the same time, they must be fully responsible for their actions and how they’ve affected the relationship. Not only will sharing your feelings with him force him to fully acknowledge the pain he’s caused, but it will reinforce the fact that it will require the both of you to work on fixing your relationship.

A final word about friends and your husband’s infidelity: We won’t say that you can’t confide in them, because sometimes a friend with an open ear is all you need to feel better. Just make sure your friend doesn’t become your therapist; if things get too rough, consider looking for a professional either for yourself or for marriage counseling.

Tagged as: affair, Ask Elle, cheating husband, cheating spouse, forgiving infidelity, infidelity adultery affair cheating, making love work