Should I Forgive Cheating Boyfriend? He Cheated on Me Because He Was Depressed
Hi there,
I was hoping for some advice. I have been seeing my boyfriend for just over six months and our relationship was wonderful, until he lost his job. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at first. But then he started asking for very specific things in the bedroom, and asking me to dye my hair, all of which was very odd.
He finally got a job about 3 weeks ago, and the week he started, he began shutting me out. We also stopped having sex because it became awkward. I would initiate it and he wouldn’t want to or he would instruct me. It felt like nothing I did was good enough for him. Then he stopped initiating sex and said he loved me but wasn’t sure if he fancied me anymore.
I discovered two days after the last time we had sex, he contacted another woman off a dating website and had a sexual affair. He was seeing me in between and being very loving, but no sex with me. I found out last Friday because when he dumped her, she contacted me and told me everything.
I was devastated because I felt it was so out of character for him. I spent the weekend making sure he fully understands how much he has hurt me and what he’s lost. I told him not to contact me again but I am convinced that he now gets it. He’s very confused but still really misses me and wants to be back with me having realized (finally) the massive error he has made. He has emailed a couple of times and I really miss him.
My question is whether you think it would be possible in time for me to forgive him and start again? I believe he acted this way because he was depressed and had low self-esteem because when we met he was a very happy and confident person and looking back this ebbed away during the time he was unemployed. Is it possible that depression impaired his judgment, and is that enough for me to excuse, or at least move on from his behaviour eventually? I am so confused and I am going to arrange to have counseling to work through the effect it has had on me. Thanks for any advice. Debbie x
Hi Debbie!
It seems as if you dumped your boyfriend as a form of punishment, and not because you were ready to move on. With that being said, it’s important that you take the time to reflect upon whether or not you truly want to be in a relationship with him, or you simply miss him. While 6 months is not a long time to be with someone in the grand scheme of things, it is a long enough period of time to build some sense of attachment to him, especially if you guys lived together during this period. So there’s a chance you really do miss him and long for the relationship to work, but there’s also a strong possibility that you’re simply attached to him and scared to move on.
We can’t tell you not to take him back; the choice is yours in the end. But there will have to be a lot of work done, perhaps on both his and your part, in order for this to work. Our advice varies based on your ultimate choice. Read our tips for the best ways to deal with a cheating boyfriend or survive infidelity – especially since this is so fresh.
If you take him back, put him on a probationary period. When we start a new job, employers give us 30 days to a full year to prove ourselves worthy and effective to their business. Likewise, if we’ve been on a job for a period of time but violate the workplace rules, we may be given a verbal warning and a probationary period to clean up our act before we’re canned.
The truth is, while no time in a relationship can ever be “wasted,” you can use his bad boy behavior to strengthen yourself as a woman, so that he (or any other guy you may date) knows what your boundaries are. Don’t be afraid to tell him if he wants to stay with you, he’ll have to rectify his behavior. There are so many reasons men cheat, and drastic changes of life are a big motivator. His lack of employment would have been a big motivator except for the fact that he cheated when he started a new job. Therefore, that’s not an excuse.
He also stated that he did not “know if he fancied” you anymore. That, coupled with the fact that he tried to change you, sexually and in appearance, reflects something going on within him. He’s the one who needed change, not you. But instead of being able to see the need for himself to change, he chose to project it onto you – something we’re sure didn’t feel like love (and we hope you didn’t comply!).
Let him know he has 3-6 months to get his act together. Tell him what you want to see change. Do you want him to stop making you feel insecure about your appearance and sexual prowess? Let him know. Would you appreciate more quality time? Let him know. Also advise him it would be in his best interest to be upfront and honest, so that you can believe he’s ready to have an open and loving relationship. If he cannot or does not provide this in the 6 month time period, let him know it’s been fun and show him the door.
If you choose to stay single, breathe a sigh of relief and keep walking. There’s no excuse for someone to cheat on you, especially when you’re as supportive and open as you can be. 99% of the time infidelity has to do with the cheater and not the person he cheated on – whether he cheated on you, he cheated on me, or he cheated on her. Either way, kudos to you for counseling- whether you stay or not, counseling can help you fix the negative cycles you endure in your relationship and make you a better person!
