My Wife Cheated on Me. Would an Open Relationship Help Us Sexually?
I’ve been married to my wife for over 5 years, but we’ve been in a relationship for 8. Our sex life has always been wonderful in my opinion, but after having kids, everything changed. My wife complained that there was never enough time or energy left for us to have sex, and only had sex with me once in a blue to “get it over with.” I recently found out she’d been sleeping with another man while refusing to have sex with me.
She says she’s remorseful that she cheated, but says it’s because our sex life has become routine and boring. She said she still loves me but wants to continue to have the freedom to sleep with other men. The thought of my wife with another man kills me, but I want our marriage to work. Would an open relationship help us sexually?
Our hearts go out to you in this difficult time. The short answer for your question is no.
We feel the problem in your marriage isn’t the sex; it’s just manifested through sex. Chances are opening the relationship will only invite more trouble. It will be a temporary cosmetic facelift covering an unresolved issue.
You see, despite how much sex is involved with affairs, it’s not the motivating force for most cheaters. Affairs usually cater to the betrayer’s need to escape from or acquire something they feel is missing, usually within themselves or their primary relationship. The tricky part is, it’s hard to determine exactly what this person is seeking or eluding- they themselves usually don’t know.
If the infidelity truly has roots in sexual dissatisfaction, especially post-marriage and child-bearing, your wife may have stopped feeling desirable and sexual due to the Madonna/Whore complex. The Madonna/Whore complex is a psychological complex where a person (usually male) develops trouble having a combined respect for a woman who is both loving and motherly and sexual. This person may separate women into categories, viewing “idealized” good women into sacred, non-sexual, virtuous women, and placing sexualized, liberated women into a “touchable” category.
This complex can deeply affect how a man relates to his wife, or a woman relates to herself or her husband. A man, for example, may love and adore his wife, yet find that he’s lost the ability to see her in a sexual manner, especially if she’s mothered his children. This man may have a string of affairs with other women whom are not necessarily more attractive than his wife, but are sexually stimulating, because their primary role for him is sexual gratification.
A woman may find that, once she’s married a man, she feels pressured to appear more sexually reserved and pure, in order to live up to societal pressures on what the “role” of a “virtuous, pure” wife entails. Now that I’m a married mother with children, I shouldn’t be thinking of sexual satisfaction with my husband, she may think. I have to focus on raising my children, being a great mother and doing everything for my family. Appealing to my husband’s desire for sex- much less my own- would be wholly inappropriate, and not something a good wife does. Only bad wives and whores are concerned with sex.
Now, if this feeling is truly reflects your wife’s sentiments, she might have compartmentalized her sexuality in response. These actions have nothing to do with you, and everything about how she considers her role in the family unit according to learned beliefs and values. Since she would feel it’s inappropriate to be sexually satisfied as a wife, she’ll be more inclined to desire an extramarital partner as an outlet to enjoy that gratification without “challenging” her role in your marriage. In her mind, she’s your good, chaste wife, but his unrestrained sexual partner.
Now, if you want to continue rebuilding your marriage with your wife, it will take a lot of work. First of all, she’s shattered your trust in her as a committed and honest partner. There is a broken bridge of trust that will require a long reconstruction period, even if you plan to allow each other sexual freedom. Your wife will have to work hard to show that she’s trustworthy and willing to do the hard work required to make this marriage work.
There’s a great possibility that you not only feel betrayed, but are experiencing a great mix of emotions including humiliation and emasculation, that you don’t feel comfortable expressing to anyone you know. This may especially include your wife; after all, she’s the one who triggered these emotions. This is fine and completely normal.
We suggest that you consider counseling, either with a trusted marriage advisor in your house of worship or an accredited national therapist. You can choose to seek help with your spouse, alone or both, and work towards understanding the events that took place and how they have affected you. Counseling can help one or both of you realize the importance of redeveloping an open environment for honest communication, something that will be required even if your wife decides she wants an open marriage.
Now if after all else, your wife still wants an open marriage, you will have to decide whether or not that is something you can live with. An open marriage sounds like a convenient solution, but it can be open up a new can of worms. Most spouses would never want to see their husband/wife sexually involved with someone other than them, and insecurity can create an obsession with whether or not the other person is doing something they themselves can’t. Oftentimes, if both parties aren’t up for the situation, the end result is disaster and further disintegration of the marriage.
If you decide you’re interested in trying an open marriage, have a thorough discussion about your partner concerning all the rules of engagement in this situation. Is she only allowed to have two or three partners at a time? Will you have to pre-approve who she sleeps with? What sexual activities are off limits? What will happen when the other parties want something more than sex? How will emotional attachments be handled?
If you decide you’re not interested in an open marriage, be firm in telling your wife that you will not tolerate such an arrangement, but that you’re more than willing to do what it takes to recapture the flames that have been lost and improve the relationship that the two of you have. Let her know what your alternatives are. Either way, you have as much right to assert your desires as she does. You both have a right to be happy and discover a peaceable solution.
