30 Years of Emotional Infidelity – And He Broke My Heart
I am in healing state. Things will get better. However, I would so appreciate some light on how and why a man would do this. Here is my story….I knew this man for 28 years. I watched him make a poor choice in marriage. There was always some chemistry between us. He is my first born daughter’s god father. There were times during our marriages when we met and enjoyed being with each other. We did not have sex.Four years ago my marriage ended. At approximately the same time, unknown to me, his marriage broke and they bought properties in different states and pretended that he would retire eventually and be with her.
A year after this, he made contact with me and from that moment we were together. He stood by me throughout the lengthy court case.
He bowled in a club, and never invited me there are his wife was known there and things had not been finished. I did not know but he had a mixed bowling partner whom he also entertained as more than a friend. I did not know this. She did not know about me. He kept the worlds apart. I sensed some oddities because I would not see him for whole weekends. He never asked me about what I had been up to. He always had to get away to bowls. He kept his phone close.
He came clean seven months ago and broke up with me. We drifted back together four months ago under the heading that he was only with me, he was seeking divorce and his properties were to be sold. He was broke and living with me was what he wanted. My kids were to be his family. I met his work peers. He told them he was going to marry me. His wife now knew he was seeing me, I had proof of this.
He stayed very close for a month, and I remained very alerted to any odd behaviour. He presented with it. He texted in the toilet. He had to leave when I expected he was staying. He was not home when he said he was going home. He had out of the blue invites which he could not refuse and I could not join him because the people came from the club. He began with mixing with mates/blokes from the club. He drank excessively.
I found out who I believed the other woman to be.
I visited the other woman and all was revealed. She was very much the same personality as me, ten years older and not only his mixed bowling partner, his golf partner and lived very close to him. He had been seeing her and me at the same time for three years. She is rich.
She finished it with him and so did I. He apologies for not being able to choose.
Anything you can put forward as to why a human being behaves in this way may help me.
Regards,
Miss Parker
Miss Parker,
Short answer: He’s a jackass loser, a user and an emotional abuser. He has never held respect for your or anyone else’s feelings, despite how he acted. His main priority was and will always be himself; the affairs were tools to supply his selfish needs. And he was able to do this because he wanted to and you let him.
The more detailed continuation: This guy’s been entangled in a heap of affairs all along. Yes, he was married to his wife, and you two did not have sexual or physical contact, but emotional intimacy is a core tenet of infidelity. The intimacy he shared with you was also spread out between his wife and the other women you happen to know about. And there’s no guarantee that he didn’t have sex with them either. I’m sure he was having sex with someone, even if it wasn’t you.
A man like this will always have someone “waiting in the wings”. I’m going to compare his treatment of women to that of a coach and his sports team. He’ll always maintain special relationships with his “star players,” most especially the MVP (the wife). The other members of the team range from benchwarmers (backups) to those next in line to be “up at bat.” But in order for the game to be played, he, as coach of the team, knows he needs more than one player to win. Therefore, he keeps you all in a steady rotation and pulls you in to play as he sees fit.
Initially, I wanted to say that I was sorry that you were a victim of his emotional games, but you were a willing participant. You are as much at fault as this man is. First, you carried on an emotional affair with him for several years. It may not seem detrimental to you since sex wasn’t involved, but looking back, there were roots of romantic intimacy there that shouldn’t have been – otherwise you would have never been “more than friends” after your marriages ended.
Second, I don’t know how old you all are, but at whatever age he is, he has no business trying to move into your home… and YOU have no business allowing him to do so. You both have been doing this dance for close to 30 years, and you’ve let “chemistry” tell you that he’s making poor choices with other women.
Truth be told, you’ve made poor choices for your emotional well-being for decades and you’re moving in the right direction by dropping him. If he wanted you, he’d be with you and none of these funny things he’s done would have been an issue. You would have never watched him marry another woman; you would have been his wife.
As for him, it’s balderdash to believe he’s “so sorry” he cannot choose between you and this other older, richer woman. He’s not sorry for anything except that he’s been caught. She’s another player on his team and financially loaded, which would benefit him for many reasons. This man is a leech, emotionally, sexually and financially, and will continue the next thirty years of his life as he’s spent the last thirty – building false relationships with women for personal gain and leaving a trail of tears in his wake.
The best thing you can do right now, is to continue doing what you’re doing. Ignore his attempts to communicate with you, make moves to strengthen yourself as a woman and take this as a hard lesson learned that being a willing participant in someone’s infidelity, even if it’s just emotional, is simply a recipe to reap what you’ve sown.
All the best,
Elle P.
