My Husband Has Sex with Men – Did I Make Him Gay?
I caught my husband having a sex with another man whom I thought was his friend from work. When I confronted them, the man ran out the house but my husband told me that it was a one time thing and they are not gay. He said that sometimes he needs a little action on the side and women give too many problems and that he would never break my heart with another woman. I asked him why he felt the need to have sex with another man and he said “all men do it and have curiosities” but it doesn’t make them gay.
Since then I have not seen his friend and my husband says he’s sorry but I cannot get the images out of our head. I can’t have sex with him anymore because I feel disgusted by what he’s done and I wonder if the fact that I’ve gained weight after having two kids has anything to do with it. My husband wants to go to counseling but I don’t know if it can help us. I haven’t told anyone what happened because I am completely embarrassed. Please help me, I’m so miserable and I’m also scared I have AIDS.
- Devastated Wife
Devastated Wife:
Words probably can’t describe the pain you’re feeling right now. It’s excruciating enough to discover your husband’s cheating on you, but the fact he’s been with another man doubles the anguish. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this.
Your husband – to be blunt – sounds full of shit. He wants you to go to counseling with him, but for what? Chances are this isn’t the first time he’s had sex with a man, and it damn sure will not be the last time either. I’m disgusted that he had the nerve to say he always needs something on the side and uses men so he “doesn’t break your heart with another woman.” Hmph! As if it would hurt you less to see him have sex with someone he paraded off to you as a friend! He was still lying, manipulative and dishonest – in your OWN home!
Another problem I have with his argument is that he says “all men get curious and try it.” FALSE! Not every man engages in sex with other men, and real men, regardless of their orientation, don’t need to lie to kick it! He needs counseling so that he can fully accept his sexuality instead of keeping it in the closet.
Thus said, it sounds like his cry for counseling is an attempt to placate you. If you didn’t cause his activity, and he’s owning responsibility by saying this is what he chose to do, what is the objective of going to counseling? Are there other underlying issues within the marriage that he mentioned needed to be addressed?
I just have a feeling that your husband isn’t looking to change his behavior, but is more interested in getting you to stay with him. It seems if you guys went to counseling, you forgave him, you lost this weight you feel turned him off, and Skittles rained from the sky, it’s still not going to fix the issue: his self-justified attitude towards his infidelity. From how it sounds, he is still going to have sex with other people, including men “from time to time,” because that’s what he wants to do. Except in the future, he’ll just take greater pains to hide his activities so he doesn’t get caught.
Now in terms of HIV/AIDS risk: Don’t assume you automatically have HIV/AIDS because he engaged in sex with another man. While, men having sex with men, or MSM, have higher rates of HIV/AIDS transmission, according to the CDC, it’s sexually risky activity, such as unprotected sex with people other than their main partner that can increase anyone’s health risks. Schedule an appointment with your gynecologist, and get tested immediately. Follow a regular testing schedule as set by your clinician, and speak with them for advice on protecting yourself from the risk of any STDs. Advise your husband to get tested and keep to regular medical appointments as well, especially if you decide to engage in sexual activity with him.
Can this marriage be saved? It’s possible, but you would have to do some deep soul searching to determine if this is something you’d want to continue your commitment to. While you are a wife and mother, you have to look out for your own best interests as well. If you feel counseling can’t hurt, then I suggest looking into it, at the very least for yourself. Whether or not he comes around and helps you really pick up the pieces, I can’t predict. People do what they want to do. You can’t control him; you have other things to do, such as tend to the care of your children.
DW, lastly, I want you to know you’re not alone in this. Other women have caught their husbands and boyfriends engaged in sexual affairs with men. Brenda Stone Browder, the ex-wife of downlow author J.L. King, was married for years before discovering her husband’s secret lifestyle. She discusses her experience, and her road to recovery in her book On the Up and Up. She also provides advice from personal experience on how to confront a cheating husband and move on, if need be.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
To the wife who asked the question: I am so sorry that you went through this. But know you are not alone. I have gone through this and so have a couple of other million women in the USA alone! Please to go Straight Spouse Network org and read: http://www.voy.com/86426/
To the person who wrote the major response: Right on! Straight men DO NOT have GAY sex. Only GAY men do!
You are so right. The wife wlll never be able to trust him again because he is gay. My husband is gay and is afraid to admit it. We have four grown and married children and I am toying with he idea of divorcing him. I caught him this time with emails and he was looking on male porn sites. Doesn't that tell you something. He's not a bad person and has been all in all a good husband but I've missed out. I wish he wouldn't have married me. I trust him nothing.
Some are bisexuals and bisexuals have sex with women and men. Rules and honesty in healthy marriages are key.
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Spedie:
Thanks for that helpful resource!
Hopefully Devastated Wife is feeling much better!
This is absolutely devistating for the young lady, however, it sounds like she has some self esteem issues. Already she is blaming herself for her being overweight due to having children. Chances are, her husband is bi-sexual or gay. I dont know if he is the top,bottom or versatile but from my knowledge, a man who is a top ( a person who ONLY gives the sex in the shitter ) and is living his life on the downlow dont think they are gay. They say , im just a man who likes fucking other men. They feel like if they are a bottom ( a person who receives it in the shitter) that makes them gay. Again, I dont know which part her husband was partaking, but the bottom line is .. if he is having sex with another man, he is engaging in gay sex, which in turn, makes him gay. He is the one who is in denial and needs to seek therapy because of his identity issues. He is thinking NOT of his two children. I dont think there is anything wrong with having a gay parent, but at least dont live a false life by getting married, having children, while living a lie. Its not fair to the unsuspecting wife and children.
If I was her, Id leave his ass. But because she sounds like she has low self esteem, she will probably stay with him because she might feel that she has nobody else.
If she is able to read this … RUN GIRL .. RUN .. TAKE THEM KIDS AND RUN .. LET HIM WORK HIS SHIT OUT! HE'S GOT THE PROBLEM .. NOT YOU!
(Disclaimer: I am in no way telling her to leave him because of his gay issue, im telling her to leave him because of his infidelity. )
I hope she doesnt think she can get AIDS just because he has gay sex, because you can get AIDS from straight sex as well. He is probably having sex with other females as well.
Nikki Love:
Did you really define top and bottom by who takes and gives "in the sh*tter"!?
O…M…G. Hilarious!
I agree, infidelity and dishonesty is the issue, not his sexual orientation – or preferences.
Great point. There are many men who are bisexual who have open honest relationships with partners which include women.
Found out my husband took a hiv test n 2006. He told me this a month ago say one of his friend had to be tested and was scared to take it and ask him to take onw with him. The husband order his test through the mail. Husband says he has not been with his friend he just took one cause he was scared. What u think. His males friends call him from time to time. Is he having sex with some of his friends.
Not only is he cheating on you but when he got caught he continued to lie and on several fronts as follows:
1) His sexual orientation. If he had homosexual tendencies, he should have told you before you were married. For some people, that's an important issue regardless if others think. It is what it is, and people should respect the limitations of another. Omission of the truth is a lie by default. This isn't the military here where "don't ask don't tell" is acceptable.
2) He cheated on you. That's the second deception.
3) He got caught and rather come clean, he continued to lie with the lamest of excuses.
Based on the fact that he's able to lie about it so fluently, I think what you feel is that you can never trust him again as well as feeling that if he can lie so easily about that, there's no telling what else he is keeping from you. Leave him before something worse happens. I know that if a woman continues to lie like that with me, even if it was about a non-sexual issue, I wouldn't be able to trust her again, let alone live in the same house as her,
Run with your life. I also came home from early one afternoon and found my husband engaged in sex with another man. My husband swore it was his first, and only curiosity. He played the guilt game and said he was disgusted with his behavior. Then I found out he had another guy on the side several times when I was out of town two weeks later. It appears there were other contacts on Craig's List as well as hook ups on sexual dating sites with both men and women. We are in the midst of an ugly divorce, and he has made threats to kill me if his boys ever find out the truth. These men that lie, cheat, and manipulate for their own pleasures are not to be trusted and you should leave now with your children and begin a new life. Your husband is the problem, not you……
As a gay man, I'm constantly appalled by the number of married men who have sex with other married men thinking two things: I'm not really gay–I'm married and I won't get AIDS if I fuck another married guy. These dudes are TOTAL pussies!! They're too chicken shit to admit they're gay
I agree that this guy is a douche for cheating on you at all. However, I do think Ellie or whoever is giving out the advice in the actual blog is being irresponsible. You get one letter with an encapsulated story of what happened – one sided I might add – and you think they shouldn't go to counseling? You are sure this is not his first time with a man? You really shouldn't be encouraging families to break up without having more facts. I hope someone sues you for giving bad advice some day. You're a full blown moron.
Excuse me for doling my advice “Dr. Laura”… but my position is just what it is. Have a better piece of advice? Feel free to respond with it – and keep your asanine attacks to yourself. Thanks.
I'm disgusted by the homophobic comments posted here. A man is gay if he prefers men, no exceptions. If he fools around with men and is also capable of enjoying the act with women, that makes him open-minded, experimental, perhaps bi.
I am in the same dillema, my husband is having sex with different man, and sadly he is bottom. So does it mean he is gay? I have his email way back in 2008, he had sex with different prostitute, tran-sexual and most of it sex with men. He told me that he chooses it's because it is easy to find men than girls. But he also specifically put on his add in craigslist that he is bottom- he is a receiver still keep on denying that he is gay. After so many confrontation he finally accepted that he is bi-sexual. Is really disgusting dater 7 years of being togetheri did not know my husband well.
I have found out this week that my husband of 21 years has been going on to a swinger site , communicating by mail, and has met up and had sex with two of them (so he says) . I got on to the site and saw his profile , he said "Have not been with many TV'/TS but really want to, have posted a few pics hope you like what you see. I am a real man but will play, will give A but not receive, will give O to the right one if you want. Please girls I am for real and I promise you will not be dissapointed. Forgot to tell you I am a registered gas man so anyone wants help with their heating let me know on here" He as sat in front on me at night answering messages using his Iphone right up until the night I confronted him. I dont think he would have stopped if I hadnt caught him. Although there was some guy who he had arranged to meet but he didnt go, he said he Chickend out , that he felt guilty. I asked him how he felt when he was having sex with these men , he said guilty. He says he is ashamed of his behaviour and is now living in fear of him losing his family. (split message)
cont'd He says that he has never felt gay and that its always been women that have turned him on. Porn that he has watched in the past was only ever women. He didnt watch this openly . He had been on this swinger site for a while but only posted his photograhs on there Last week, so I think he talked about it for a while then went for it as the temptation became too great to ignore as last week I was out of town, when he says the two meetings took place. He is full of remorse for doing what he says "he doesnt understand" , Please can anybody help me understand what this means. He refuses to have any sort of counselling saying he does not want anyone delving into his mind. Is this because he is afraid of the truth.
I have a question to put to everyone that has commented here – my boyfriend acts in an effeminate manner, we have been dating 10 months, I am his first girlfriend, first kiss, and everything else. We have sex but before we were dating everyone thought he was gay, and still make jokes about it. He suggested that he wanted to have sex with a guy to see for himself if he was gay, I told him that I considered that to be cheating, but I would gave a threesome with him and another man to try and compromise. However, he refused and said he’d only want to do it on his own as a true test butch said he would have to break up with me to do it. A couple weeks later he told me that he had met someone online and had gay sex with him. He was so upset and broke down crying, he said he felt disgusted and was definitely not gay – but I don’t know if I can forgive him, also, he seems to vacillate between accepting he did something wrong in cheating on me, and not accepting it was wrong because he felt he needed to check now whether he was gay rather than realizing it in 10 years when we were married with kids. But my problem is that if he loved me, wouldn’t that be enough proof that he was straight? Or at least bi? If he was sexually attracted to me properly, would it matter? I feel sorry for him because it must be so hard to be ridiculed as being gay and I love him so much, but he betrayed me… What should I do? How can I move on?
Long story short…met my husband when I was 12 and he was 15. Got married had 2 kids got divorced then remarried 5 years later in 1995. About 5 years ago I started having these overwhelming feelings that he was on the DL. I was even having nightmares about it. I had no behavioral indication from him other than his lack of desire to have sex….he attributed it to being tired, stress, Low-T, etc. About 3 weeks ago he got a new phone. A week ago he asked me to get him some new ringtones saying he didn't know how…I agreed. I was unfamiliar with the phone as well and in playing with it (touch screen) I found e-mails, txt msgs and finally a picture he had sent to another man. I was so shocked all I could do was shake. I showed him what I had found without saying a word and he hit the ceiling, screaming at me swearing at me and packing. Then he abruptly stopped, held me for about 3 hours while I sobbed, then he went to sleep. It's been a week now and his only verbal contribution has been "Nothing happened", "I was teasing a fag", "I'm not gay", "you either trust me or you don't"
Back in the 1950s, Kinsey theorized that very few people are exclusively gay or straight. Most people fall somewhere in between.
YOUR DEAD WRONG
it IS a common thing, wheather the author wants to admit it or not.
and a STRAIGHT man can engage with sex with another man and still be STRAIGHT
I am one of them.
counselors and the like made me feel bad for feeling the way I did, and trying to force me into some pigenhole (gay/bi) where I dont fit.
check the site http://www.starightguise.com and see for yourself.
Oprah and several other shows have spotlighted this trend. its real.
I love my wife and I agree with that womans husband. my wife is the ONLY woman for me…but sometimes a guy needs a little more.
P.J.C.
It's guys like you who want to play the entire field and yet say you still only play for one specific team. Now that is just stupid. I'm Bi. I've been primarily with guys, I even dated one for 4 years. I like girls too, but in a different way. I've only messed around with one, I had a raging boner the whole time, and she wanted me to fuck her, I declined though because I guess I'm saving that for a special girl, if she even exists. I digress, I will NEVER say that I am straight though, not unless I am married and in a completely committed relationship (Sorry I don't cheat) with a woman. Beyond that I am definitely Bi.
However, I'm currently single and there are not a lot of openly gay or bi dudes where I live. However, if I go online to a site such as Craigs List and I looked under the M4M section, there are tons of posts by you supposed "straight" guys who will only have "straight gay sex" with other "straight" guys. It's preposterous. Stop lying to yourselves, you guys aren't straight. You're at least bisexual. It's you guys who are also throwing the word fag around left and right and making fun of homosexuals. Get over yourself you closet bi/homo.
P J C, Straight, gay, bi, closeted or not, or whatever you quality yourself – it doesn't matter. What is important here is honesty in the relationship. IF you really love your wife then give her the knowledge of what you are doing and give her the chase to choose whether she want to be with you or not. If you don't then you don't really love her, you only love yourself.
I want a close relationship with the person I live – I want a lifelong friend as a husband. I want to be able to share everything and vise versa. He said the same things to me back. But I recently figured out he is posting on craigslist and describing himself as sissy / submissive. I found out he met other men on Craigslist at least twice.
I confronted him and he got mad/defensive. He denied counseling and he is probably right. But he also denies being gay/bi. He doesn't even want to talk about it because he feels embarrassed. I tried to understand. I stayed with him and I never mentioned anything again – I didn't want to make him feel "less man". But closing your eyes to the problem is not a solution. That happened several months ago and now I noticed that he is, again, deleting his phone browser history log… every several days. I asked him why and he gave me some bs answers… You, husbands, that like other men, don't you get it that it is insulting to treat us like that? Just TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS and BE HONEST TO YOUR WIFE, and give her the right to choose… Your girlfriend, wife, and mother of your children, deserve that!!!!
As so many other women, I am confused, hurt, depressed… and feel so alone. I really don't see a solution in this case.
Now I have a one year old son with him. What is his fault? Why he can't have a real family? His dad has lied to me for years. He has made a fool out of me, he made me feel stupid, ugly, undesirable, many times I felt guilty. I am trying to move on and I hope it works this time. But it is so complicated when you have a child together, And he didn't simply hurt me, he hurts his son too, because of his dishonesty his son will never have the real family that he deserves.
To the above poster-
That sucks. I feel so bad for you women with boyfriends and husbands that do this to you. I seriously want to out every guy that cheats on his significant female other with a man. It's fucking ridiculous. Don't get married or be in a relationship if you want ass…literally…a dudes ass.
It's also where all the hate and gay bashing comes from. These guys who are fucking other guys and can't even admit it. So instead they project their insecurities onto the people who are brave enough to be themselves in this fucked up world.
As stated, sucks about your husband. Fuck him though, he's a liar and a cheater, go find a real man. One that won't cheat and will treat you like the Goddess you are. =)
Some of you might be very intelligent but don't understand man's nature…. If a woman doesn't have sex with her husband, the husband will start looking the other way for sex, its that simple… no sex for a few months and your husband will be playing somewhere else…. some man will go to a man's club just to get oral sex, that's the way it is…. A great blowjob releases the tension and pressure for a man… Believe me when I say that more than 50% of man have had a blow job from another man……. After years of marriage the sex dissapears and then after while us man try something else due to kid that are still at home, or loose half of what you own with a divorce… my 2 cents.
p