- Is her man serving up more than drinks?
2 Years Later, I Still Don’t Trust Him
Hello. I have been with my current boyfriend for almost two years. Three months into the relationship, I found out he had had a girlfriend that lived out of town for about a year at the same time, telling me he was going out to see friends and family. When I found out about this, he completely broke it off with the other girl, saying he wanted to work on our relationship with me. With much hesitation and confusion, I eventually accepted as long as he had no contact with this girl. Since then, things have been pretty rocky and I do not know that I will ever be able to trust him again! He is a bartender, so flirting is part of his “job” I guess and that is one reason why the trust is such an issue. He has not cheated since then (that I know about) and swears he wants to spend his life with me. How do I get past all this and accept it as a “slip”???Concerned and Confused:
We certainly agree that you’re concerned, but drop the “confused”. You’ve been with him for two years and found out about his infidelity three months into dating him. If you weren’t interested in staying with him, it wouldn’t have taken almost 21 months to figure things out. Suffice it to say, the time has come and gone for you to get over what happened in the beginning, especially if you want to move forward in partnered bliss with this man. Therefore, the question isn’t “how to get past” his cheating, but instead “How to re-establish trust in him.”
You cannot accept his infidelity as a “slip”, because it wasn’t a one-time incident. Slips are moreso accidental f*ck-ups . A slip-up is when a man’s drunk and has a one night stand, or he has a no-strings-attached hookup after you guys argue. Additionally, slips are unplanned and usually come with lots of regret. (Not that this makes things acceptable.) What he had was a consistent series of trysts with another woman. He deliberately lied to you each and every time he was going to see her as well, making this anything but a “mistake.” If anything, the fact that he got caught acting a fool with this woman is the mistake.
Since you took him back, we can assume that whatever he said and did to regain favor worked. Whether he begged for you to give him one more chance, or sent you roses everyday for a week, you decided to give him another opportunity to make things work in the relationship. It was at this point that you should have started the hard work required on your part to open yourself up to trusting him – and from what it sounds like, you haven’t, and are actually still stuck in the past, which isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship. If anything, your lack of trust and unwillingness to move forward is a black hole sucking the energy from your connection.
You want to move past this infidelity? Here’s some tough love on how to do so:
1. Acknowledge What Happened. Stop trying to rationalize his sexual infidelity as a “slip”. Process it for what it was: a shameless affair with another woman that stopped once he realized that you weren’t having it.
2. Accept the reality that this happened… and acknowledge that it’s hurt you. This doesn’t mean that you forget this happened, or use this opportunity to play the victim again. It means that you emotionally accept the reality of what your man did, and resolve to move forward maturely.
3. Get over his job as it relates to you. Yes, he’s a bartender and may flirt a little as a part of his job, but that doesn’t mean he has to flirt or that he will cheat on you again. You tell us, aside from his job, he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, which is an indication that he’s doing what he needs to, leading to my last piece of advice…
4. You Either Want Him Or You Don’t – Hurry Up and Decide. Again, 21 months … 2 years is a long time to be with someone you’re not sure about. He’s well-past what happened with the two of you, has made amends, and says he wants to spend his life with you, while in the meanwhile, you’re still trying to “get past” what happened.
Truthfully speakiing, if you want to get past what happened, you can and will- but only if you do the work and start to trust him again. If he’s not worth your trust by now, then it’s a clear sign that he never will be and neither of you will be happy together. With love, Elle P
