Does Infidelity Mean He No Longer Loves Me? Are We Through?

Is the Relationship Over Since He Cheated on Me?

Whenever infidelity is revealed in any relationship, the most popular assumption is that the love is gone between the original couple.  If he really loved me, scorned women think, then he wouldn’t have done this. He would have remained completely devoted to me. Unfortunately, the truth is otherwise. An overwhelming majority of married (or otherwise attached) men who cheat on their women describe themselves as “happily” involved. Smaller percentages of men may insist that their sex life “at home” is great as well, but that they cheated for various reasons, from the fact that sex was offered to simply the desire to “chase tail.”

 While the primary motivations for infidelity vary, it’s important to note that a strong percentage of men who stray truly care for their partners, and don’t wish to leave. (As if you didn’t know this by now with all his begging and pleading.) Truth be told, cheating partners usually just aren’t satisfied with some aspect of themselves, or their lives “at home” and infidelity becomes the painful outlet through which this is expressed. Other times, when a cheating partner doesn’t care, then it’s evidenced in their all-around disregard for the relationship – even without cheating, the signs would be there.

Though most consider catching a partner cheating is a sign that the relationship’s over, cheating itself is not a deal breaker. Ending a relationship because someone cheats is an individual choice made by the affected party. To put it more clearly, just because a person cheated, does not mean they wanted the relationship to end. A relationship ending can be the result of cheating, but it is not a universal rule. Many couples experience infidelity and decide to put in the hard work and effort to repair their relationship.

So, now that you or your partner cheated, is the relationship over? That’s not an answer we can provide. Nobody can tell you whether or not your relationship is over. This is the sole decision for you and your partner to make, as you are the ones deeply affected by the decision. Even if outside advice or opinions are provided, you aren’t required to abide by them. Talk with your partner in order to determine the outcome most favorable for the both of you.

5 Reasons Why It Wasn’t You

Why He Cheated … and It’s Not You

Despite the fact that they’re loaded with romanticism, eroticism and intense, passionate emotions, most cheating isn’t about sex. Oftentimes, there are underlying conflicts within the existing relationship that manifests into betrayal. Such conflicts vary from couple to couple, including lack of respect for the other partner, paying less attention to one another’s needs, a man feeling emasculated by his wife, a partner letting themselves go physically, or emotional distance.

In her book, Sexual Detours: The Startling Truth Behind Love, Lust, and Infidelity, Dr. Holly Hein lists several reasons for infidelity, and none of them have anything to do with something the betrayed party may have done.  According to Dr. Hein, a person may cheat:
 

 To escape life and related anxieties. Emotions aroused from infidelity can function as an effective detour against internal conflicts from unresolved life situations and profound events. For example, a man that highly values being the primary breadwinner may have an affair after he loses his job due to the traumatic feelings of no longer being the breadwinner. He feels emasculated, and thus resorts to a sexual partner who makes him feel alive and helps him avoid the emotional conflict he experiences.

 To avoid intimacy. Sexual behavior can be used as an excuse or substitute for intimacy by those who fear control, engulfment, abandonment and loss, as it can provide emotional distance for some in a relationship.

 To boost self-esteem and feelings of power. Infidelity allows a wayward partner to sexually assert themselves in an effort to reconstruct deeply assaulted self esteem with a “new partner” that finds them sexually desirable. As it pertains to power, hostility toward the opposite sex can be used to control and manipulate others  by rendering the other sex powerless, making them more powerful by default.

 To sustain a relationship. Infidelity is seen as a way to maintain status quo and avoid dealing with conflicts that would require change in the relational environment. When one or both partners’ needs are compartmentalized from the relationship, the affair allows for fulfillment to be sought elsewhere.

Of course, there are a multitude of other reasons we can (and will get into), but for now, let’s just remember that most of the time, other people’s issues are a reflection of them, not us.

In order to find out more about the inner workings of a cheating mentality, and the insecurities and issues beneath, please check out Dr. Hein’s book in my Amazon store, or at your local library.

 

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